30.03.99

With this writing treatment to understand the rare things that they constitute my life, because in spite of successes and failures, I feel that my life is bound to something greater than I, is not something that dominates to me because always I can make my own decisions. Single that... I do not have the capacity to understand the logic, if there is it, of my present life.

Years ago I made a promise. I decided that there were things that were worth the trouble to be defended, certain people whose innocence would have to be protected, and somebody had to do it. In those years of youth, I asked many things. And I offered myself in sacrifice. The old lessons say that in the true rites the priest is simultaneously sacrifice and offering. The only thing that I could give to the force that governs the world, was my life, my youth, to obtain the power to protect the innocents and to punish to the guilty.

I changed a complete life, by a light sleep life. By a life to wake up to three in the morning completely rested, to work and to maintain to the day my knowledge. But there is something I do not understand.

I do not understand why I can be connected when it is necessary to something different, I do not understand because suddenly I say, I want it! And what I want it is what I must, or because volume like something natural my abilities. I have a IQ of 140 according to the examination of a year ago, I have a body that defeated yesterday in combat in the gymnasium to somebody two tapes greater than I, but only when I connected myself to that force.

Nevertheless, I am the same one that thinks much about a girl whom almost it does not know, the same one that in the work has put the other cheek when his oath it demands it, the same one that is arriving at the limit in spite of to have changed of car yesterday.

While I write I hear the environmental music of the work, flood of nostalgy songs and surrender, and returns to my that scorn by the people who give themselves and she surrenders, and I ask myself if my pact with the Law is a species of rendition. I know that each way has his you compensate, but know that there are many things that I do not want, and what I want it is what I must, of similar way to a robot. It does not matter to me compensates it, but to be in the battle.

I suddenly notice in me a hardness that scares to others, makes them think that I am angered or annoying, and they do not know me. At the same time, I am the one that when it hears songs of innocence and illusions, is not lamented by its lost youth in other peoplés battles, but that renews its oath.

While it is left life in my body, my hands will happen to the battle, and my heart will see the result from a window. It is what demands my oath. I continue feeling desires like anyone, but they are secondary, I wish to find the place where the people with free heart and opened mind live, the people who fight, that believe in the life.

And then I ask myself, why if I believe in the life, training my hands for the death? Why I can thank for when hearing an evocative music, the times in which those that they loved to me could not distrust of me?

I do not know it. I only know that I write at a great speed, while my heart explodes and my mind is watching. As that intuition serves to be able to consult your, to see destiny in stars, if it is chosen to follow the way that these mark, without fatalism, because it is a life worthy to be lived?

It is not sufficient to answer the question that arose when analyzing my subject: I know that my life will be like my death, and vice versa. It means that that is a life without sense? Or that I will die in a desperate sacrifice to avoid that badly it acts on which they dream? As which it serves to be able to dream, if in your dreams you see programming code, or if in your dreams there is a barrier that separates to you of valuable people?

I am alone. It is my strength, and my weakness. But I am a person, I am not only a machine to generate programs, I am not a machine of battle, because my heart barks and dreams, but in the periods of dreams, dreams about a happy time that it passed and a person and time who will not perhaps arrive.

I believe that everything its time reachs to him, although are immutable things, as well as some people are born with a generous heart, like my friend Claudia Espinosa, and others have an innocence and candor on approval of everything, like Lupita Ireta, others we loaded with a curse, or as the Nagual would call, the blessing that torments.

The same curse that causes that most of my friends is people whom I knew at daybreak by the computer in those hours, the same curse that allows me to live with three hours of dream.

I know that in my there is a shade that must dissipate, and a light that will not be extinguished until I die, and nevertheless... he would be so beautiful to seat to watch the light of stars, when rising at dawn, and it is not possible to me. I cannot dream wide-awake: Single I can be thankful to which it is above when I cross myself people who are worth something, people that has a human Capital, instead of having debts with the world. Why if the world is so great, the people who deserve to live are so rare?

I do not know it.

I know that my body shouts ahead, and my entrails twist when I think about a face, eyes or hands, and rare time, when I see that a core is shown by eyes, those cores and those eyes that I must protect, I thank for that vision, and memory that must be defended, although that means for me to move away to me of them.

NO! I know what it demands my to have to me, demands to fight without asking to me nothing to me that can diminish my effectiveness, because when is the decisive battle, the heart will guide to me at the top of the troops, those represented in the legend like the Armies of the Light, or the Legion of the Dawn, but like leader, like whom it believes in justice and it is arranged to die by her.

And while that moment arrives, the preparation lasts ten years already, without knowing the date of the battle, being ready to protect and to nourish. And nonrest, neither I am hopeless, nor I think about taking off because I want and I must be in forward edge of the battle, but why? I am the single champion or an idiot who was recruited to the force to live and to die in the delay of the moment that will decide the combat that began with the man?

Although the battle does not arrive while it lives, anybody will take the torch, is people who will be on duty and sacrifice their dreams and their life so that there are people who single need hope, and are others are the hope and they do not know it, and they are tormented, and they suffered not to accept that this in his hands to make the difference, and that the only thing that must do is to rise in war, nonsingle its bodies, but also its hearts!

In spite of everything, the birds sing, and today like yesterday, think about the things that can give the life, and continue believing in the Law Because Law without Freedom nor Freedom without Law cannot exist. As what it serves to look for the sense of the life if the sense is unique? Single that some prefer to avoid their way, or not even they know it, and others make of that way their house, and its battlefield, to obtain as it compensates blood in the way, and a tablet without name.

I will die, and I know that my life will be like my death. And I will never know if my life is a epic battle, or a stupid sacrifice.

But it does not matter. I do not have to waste the time writing, to the distant spot I feel waves of acts without name, of innocences that live, and people who try to destroy them. It is time to happen to the battle.

By the Law, until the death!