THE ONION DISTILLS THE OBAMA ERA AS ONLY IT CAN: FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States.

Putting the nation on alert against what it has described as a “highly credible terrorist threat,” the FBI announced today that it has uncovered a plot by members of al-Qaeda to sit back and enjoy themselves while the United States collapses of its own accord.

Not in $$$ but in result. Up at 6am and out the door shortly thereafter. No decent games @ Fitz (again. I keep hoping. I really DID enjoy playing there but will NOT play 6D or SD 6:5.) Over to Binions. 1 pit open. $15 game empty. Bought in for 300 and in less than an hour walked with over 600. Joyous. Was hitting EVERYTHING. Getting great hands. 10-2 was drawing 7 & 8 and the dealers were busting their 5's an 6's. Hit my win limit and forced myself to break. Up 300 for the day, down 100 for the trip. Walked over to the Krispy Kreme (sorry gang, I prefer it to DD's) and grabbed a donut then back to B's. When what should my wondering eyes should appear – they'd jumped the table limit to $25 on me! WOOOHOO! It was Monday morning at 8ish. Place was empty and they RAISED the table limit. Perhaps that's sop but I was surprised ... and pissed so I cruised back to Fitzys and played though 2 6D shoes. Dropped $25. Then figured WTH and went back to do battle. Knowing players reading this realize the mistake I was about to make. My roll is suited for $10 play. I can handle $15 play under most circumstances but I know I'm cutting it close. I'd need to TRIPLE the roll for $25 play. But I only had a few hours left and this was to be my last gasp. Sat down. Bought in. And an hour later left with over $600 AGAIN! +600 for the day. +200 for the trip. Took my break at a slot maching, won $2! and heard the announcement for the 10am tourney at Binions.....played well but busted out at the 4^th blind level. Cost me $55. Back to the room to change, pack and depart. Up 550 for the day, up 150 for the trip. $50 for food. $120 for travel and tips. A NICE Vegas w/e for $20!!!!!

Up at 6am Vegas time. Coffee in the room – I LOVE that! No decent tables open at Fitzys (a growing tend) so off to Binions. Two hours at a “traditional” table, 50% penetration, that was a study in contrasts. I was in 3^rd base flatbetting and counting. 1^st base a a frat boy who's wager size seem to be based on how many chips he picked up. Couldn't catch cards, then when he DID it was when he min bet. Midfield was a drunk woman who's decision to stand or hit seemed to be based on something other than the cards she OR the dealer had. They both went broke in an hour. After TWO hours I was up $135 bringing my trip to +260. Hand of the session: I had locked up my buy-in and was betting greenies. Drew 9-9 to a dealer 6. Split em. Got a Q on the first and another 9 on the second. Resplit. Pulled a J and a 10 so I'm sitting with $75 out and three 19's. Dealer turns over a 10. And draws a three. C'est la guerre.

Had 45 minutes to kill before the 10am poker tourney. Bought in at roulette for $30. Cashed out 30 minutes later with $40. Up $145 for the day, $270 for the trip. Then over to the poker room for the tourney. 44 players. I lasted to the 3^rd round. Internet chip bully and I finally went all in together. I had Q-10 diamonds..he had K-J hearts. I filled my straight. He filled his flush. Down $55 for a daily total of +90, trip total of +215. Made the mistake of sitting down at Fitzys one dd game. Dropped 175. TWICE the deck was +4 or +5, I had big bets out that CRIED out for doubles, which I did...and lost them BOTH! NOT a happy camper. Down 85 for the day, up 40 for the trip.

And now for the tourist portion of our show. Caught the Deuce down to the strip. Stepped off the bus in front of the HFCH (Circus Circus, don't ask) and felt a surge. LOVE IT!!! Hit the Riv poker room where a very pleasant manager informed me the websites are wrong – the 1:00 tourney starts at 2:00. If this had been my FIRST 24 hours I mighta stuck around and waited. As it's my LAST 24 I resented it and hit the road. The Viva McDonalds? Worth seeing if you're nearby. Wynn's Encore? Magnificent. More of the same. Don't like the way they've crapped up the Venetian's main entrance. The Volcano needed to be improved. It has been. Prime Rib at Bill's was GREAT, as it always is. I've eaten a birthday meal there every year for almost a decade. Caught a fountain show at the Bellagio right after I visited the Atrium. Very nice. The tulips and lilacs are VERY strong, and the English/Italian/Japanese garden effects are nice. Rode the Deuce back up to Fremont. Hadn't been on it before. Rode the top deck although it's not much different. Might be different to a first timer or at night. Only gaming on The Strip: dropped $10 in a new Star Trek machine while waiting for my table. Hit a bonus round early. Seems to be a fun game but the big bonuses seem to be for the long time/serious slot player.

Had about 2 hours before the Fitz 5pm tourney so I figured more blackjack at Binions. Table was choppy – up 25, down50, even, down 100, up 10. But the cards were running nicely, the dealer was quiet, the pit critters were ignoring me and the view was good. So I played until 6. Ended up down 85 after a disastrous last shoe. Down 170 for the day, down 45 for the trip. Total food bill currently stands at $45 including tip. Not bad really. I've showered, changed socks and am ready for the late night marathon. No more poker tourneys. Black jack until I go broke, collapse from exhaustion, or checkout. And then it hit. Two sessions @ Binions. Short sessions. TOO short. Dropped 150 once and 200 once. Down 520 for the day, 400 for the trip. Back to the room by 9pm Vegas time. Figure I can sleep 9 hours, get up at 6am and have a solid morning session before checkout and departure.

           Actually started a week of so ago. I play 2-3 online games a night. Free rolls with top prizes of $10 - $50. The last 7-10 days I've been playing crap. No. I've been playing “ok” but my cards have been crap. I KNOW there are face cards in the deck because I see OTHER players getting them. And my % has been just a tad below where it oughta be. I've been winning those 60-40 hands only 50% of the time. That kinda thing. Hitting Six outers are out of the question for me and commonplace for opponents. Until last night. At about 11 pm. Down to 2 tables in what had been a 7 table field. I'd been playing passable but was mired in the bottom third of the field. And then I started catching cards. Not unreasonably, but little things started going right. I was all in with KJ offsuit while my opponent had 6-9 suited. The night before the flop would come 5-7-8 or he'd make his flush and I'd be gone. But tonight I held on. And I kept holding on right down to the last chair. Very nice to have a respectable win 18 hours before the flight leaves.

          I left the office JUST as the little ratchet released the second hand, sending it hurtling towards it's position of straight up 5:00. A beeline fore the parking garage and two bad traffic decisions later and I'm in the CMH parking lot. In the terminal 10 minutes before boarding and 40 before departure. Cutting it close. Flight to ORD holds 70 and I'd been watching it fill up all week. When I checked in at 2:05 it was BOOKED to 70 with one standby – me. My luck continued to hold and I got the final seat – right next to the loo where I got to meet each passenger with a bladder issue.

          Arrived in ORD in a timely fashion. Blue line to the Loop, Red line to Fullerton. Walked a mile to The Boy's (tm) house. Quick change of clothes then off to dinner at Sopranos. Good food albeit a little pricey. And no restaurant with linen table cloths should EVER serve iceberg. Then to bed. 3 hours sleep 4 am wakeup call and back on the train. Got to my gate JUST in time to hear the flight was full but I was #1 on the standby list and got aboard. Early departure from ORD and good weather means an early arrival in LAS.