I had told AJ first about my decision to go to one of those Anonymous meetings and he wasn't surprised. I felt more comfortable telling AJ this cause he had been there and he knew what it was like. I told him that I wasn't sure if that was what I really wanted and he told me that no one who ever came to one of those meetings were ever sure about anything, thatwas why they were there in the first place. Fair enough.
"You know you have to tell the others too." He said, glancing over to the other guys who were having breakfast in the kitchen.
"I know, but it's hard." I replied. He nodded.
"Been there bro. But everything works out well for me. So you don't have to worry." I know. I just couldn't believe I'm doing this. I sighed and approached the others.
"Look who decided to show up everyone!" Brian teased. I slapped him on the back of his head and took the seat next to him.
"Show some respect to the elders Nick." Brian? Old? Unlikely so!
"Okay, it's a good advice and all but I'm kinda insulted by the 'elders' bit." Brian frowned.
"Sorry cous, but you are getting there." Kevin smiled.
"Am not!" Brian protested.
"Am too." Kevin replied.
"Damn Rok, you're married, you're old." Howie chuckled.
"Ha! So true!" AJ laughed.
"Speak for yourself J! You're next on the wedding list, does that mean you're older than D?" Brian pointed out. AJ frowned.
"Hey, that's right! Okay D, you're wrong. Being married doesn't mean you're older. It's all in the age!"
At this moment in time, I don't see any married man in my kitchen. Could you see any?
I felt a slap at the back of my head.
"What the fu-"
"Watch with the mouth!" Kevin cut me half way.
"Lesson number a million and one, DO NOT sit next to the person you just hit on the head purposely. It kinda make you an open target, know what I mean?" Brian smiled.
I'll get back. I'll think of something.
Now, there's more important stuff I need to say.
Here goes nothing.
"So, I'm going to the Anonymous group meeting thingy with Justin today."
Silence. Is that good?
I looked up slightly and saw smiling faces staring back at me.
It's good.
"Way to go Nicky." Howie cheered.
"Yeah bro. It'd do good for you." Kevin added.
"And for a bonus, you get to do it with Timberflake!" AJ cried.
"Lake AJ, Lake, not flake!" Kevin hissed.
"Whatev' man, I like it better that way." AJ smiled. Kevin rolled his eyes.
"You sure you're ready? I mean, there's no pressure alright" Brian said. Brian, always the one who worries too much. He was making me have second thoughts. No, I can't back out now, Justin would have all the fun then.
"I'm sure. In fact, he's coming to pick me up at one today."
"You want any of us to follow? We don't mind you know." D said.
"That's okay, I don't think having the backstreet boys there will do any good for the calm rate, ya know?"
"It is suppose to be ANONYMOUS you morons! If you're there, it wouldn't be anonymous anymore now would it?" AJ retorted.
"Did he just call us morons?" Kevin asked, eyes wide in shock.
"I think he did." D gasped.
"No respect at all I tell ya!" Brian hissed.
"AJ, you know what this means right?" I asked.
"No. What?"
"They're giving you a 10 second head start to get the hell out of here and hide yourself." I replied. Kevin, Howie and Brian smiled at him.
"Oh man! I'm having breakfast!" AJ cried.
"9...8..."
"You're wasting time man." Kevin sighed.
"Damn you all!" AJ cried, grabbing a piece of toast and started to run out of the kitchen.
"Just out of interest, how long is this going to last?" I asked.
"I don't know...five minutes enough for ya?" Howie asked Brian and Kevin.
"Ten" Brian replied.
"Fifteen."
This just wasn't AJ's day.
*****
Cur- Justin arrived in time and I forced my legs to get into the mini van with Tony in tow. I was a nervous wreck, throughout the whole ride, all I could think about was why am I doing this? Is this really gonna work for me? It's just a bad dream, ONE bad dream and I decided to jump on the lunatic's bandwagon. I thought I was stronger than that.
I realized that Justin had been in Tampa for quite some time now cause everyone at the Anonymous group meeting seemed to know him. Some knew of his celebrity status while others seemed unfazed by it. Me? I'm a different story altogether.
To put it bluntly, ALL of them knew me. I'm one fifth of the guys who flourished Florida's name in the world map. But they didn't make life difficult for me though. They have their problems and I have mine. I learnt that whatever we say and hear about ourselves and each other in the meetings were meant to stay there and never left the room. So they say my secrets are safe with them. I'm still not sure though.
But like I said, I'm skeptical. It's difficult for me to open up to the guys, let alone strangers. And I sure don't like the idea of Justin knowing all my fears.
Our counselor, (oh man, I still can't believe I'm attending this!) Randy, introduced me to the crowd of ten and they nodded their acknowledgments with some 'Hi Nick', 'Nice to meet you' and 'Glad you're here' (the last one sounds like they're glad that I'm having a problem) could be heard. Randy said that I don't have to say anything if I'm not ready. I can sit and listen until I feel that it's time for me to open up. I have decided to be a listener for now.
This girl by the name of Janice, I learn that she's only 20, was the first to speak up. She was a victim of rape but if you look at her, you'll never guess the trauma she had been through. She was a live wire, she talked about the things she did for the last week and how she was proud of herself for not even thinking about the tragedy that had happened to her. But her biggest fear right now was to trust men again.
She said things like how she felt robbed of life. To have something so vulnerable and precious taken away from her, something that she had treasured and born with (her virginity of course, she is still one before the bastard rape her and he happen to be non other than her husband-to-be, or ex, now that this happen). She also said of how she felt cheated when something foreign was forced inside her against her will. (that would be the you-know-what).
Did all these strike a chord in me? Hell yes.
And then, they decided to move along to Justin.
This, I have to see.
"So Justin, what have you been up to lately?" Randy asked.
"I saw your picture on the news the other day man." A guy whom I think everyone called Jack, said. I heard whispers from the others saying the same thing.
"That's a huge step you took, facing the public again." Another man said. They call him David, he was there for his temper. If what I heard was true, he bashed up a waiter whom he suspected was flirting with his wife. I made a mental note not to piss that guy in any way.
I watched Justin, he had his eyes fixed on the tiled floor, I looked down to where he was staring but find nothing interesting to look at so I look up again. He already had his head up and he was smirking.
"I guess I'm tired of hiding, I mean, how long can I keep myself lock in my room right?" Hey, that sounds familiar too!
"Yeah, sooner or later, you have to relief yourself." David joked. Oh hey, he's funny and temperamental!
A round of soft chuckles filled the room and I only managed a smile. I think I'm still uneasy about this whole thing. And I'm surprised that he could talk about this so easily, like he doesn't even care if I know how fragile he was then. I guess practice makes perfect.
"Since I'm certified fit, might as well make an appearance right? I mean, the guys had been supportive enough and I feel like I've held the group back for too long, I can't keep our careers in jeopardy just because Justin feels like he needs more time. Any other time is just the same, so why not make it now right?"
Fuck! Was I holding the guys back?
Am I taking this self-pity period for too long now?
Am I being selfish?
Am I handling all these the wrong way?
Are they thinking that I'm shutting them out of my life?
Am I jeopardizing our career?
Am I being fair?
That's it! I'm going to make myself better once and for all. No more hiding Nick.
But I can't! I'm not ready yet!
Any other time is just the same. So why not make it now right?
Damn the curly boy for speaking up!
"Nick, are you alright?" Huh? Ooh, the lost boy look! Way to go Nick! Do you always have to look this dumb?
"Excuse me?" I was just being polite.
"I was asking if you would like to take your turn now." Randy repeated himself. Everyone was looking at me. This is pressurizing!
"But, it isn't my turn yet." I said. It should be Jack's turn coz he was sitting next to Justin.
"Yes, but since you and Justin are experiencing the same thing, we thought you would want to give it a try." Oh great! I"m not ready for this now!
But I should at least try right? It doesn't seem that hard. These people can do it, I'm sure I can too. I mean, if I really want to make things right again, I should start right here and now. I can't let my brothers down. "That's okay, Nick. We're not forcing you until you're ready." Randy said, ready to move on to the next person.
"No! Please, I need to do this." I said. Too anxiously if I may add so. Oh man, why are my palms suddenly so clammy now? And why the hell is this room suddenly so quiet? Is it just me or is this room so cold? Then why the hell am I sweating? Why is Justin looking at me like that? What was he expecting from me?
Talk. I'm suppose to talk!
Clears throat. Bid my time.
Hey! I think I know what's so interesting about this tiled floor! Look at the pattern...
Okay, so it's not interesting. Bid my time now.
"I..." Was that my voice? Oh man, it is! No turning back now, guess I have to talk.
"I was kidnapped about two weeks ago and when I woke up I found myself in a bathtub buried in ice in some cheap motel somewhere." Paused. Take a breather Nick.
"I saw my kidnapper outside, he was packing some stuffs so I decided to escape...there was a window in the bathroom so I tried to climb out through that but the stitches I discovered on my body was slowing me down. I don't even know how I got that. But he caught me half way and tried to...stop me."
"You mean, kill you?" David asked. I looked up at him and met his eyes. He looked so wary, you wouldn't have expect someone who looks like that to go around bashing people.
Was he trying to kill me?
Is that what he was doing?
KILL ME?
"Erm...yeah...he was trying to kill me." How long has it been since my last confession? "He tried stopping me by digging his fingers in the stitches. I could feel his fingers tearing the stitches away, I felt my skin torn but I managed to jam his fingers in between the window and when he realized that, he let go." Damn these flashbacks! Can't I just tell my story without having to see it replaying in my head?
"That's awful!" Janice gasped. I just smiled.
"But he wasn't about to let me go, so he stabbed my thighs, thinking that maybe this could slow me down."
"That's why you're slightly limping." Jack noticed. And I thought I was making progress!
"Are you going to have that limp forever?" Janice asked. Man, these people are really curious.
"I hope not, coz my job depends on it. My doctor said I will heal completely though." They nodded their heads and seemed relieved then.
"Did you escape?" Randy asked. I nodded.
"I got out and...I guess I fainted and someone found me before he does." I looked at Justin, I thought I saw shock. Yeah curly, like you said, I got it far much worst than you. Now you can tell your Nstinkers what a wuss I am.
"Why did you run away Nick? How come Justin didn't?" Janice asked. Hm, good question.
"I was out all the way. Paramedics found me." Justin replied.
"I thought he was going to... I look at Janice. Should I be saying this?
"What?" Janice asked. Damn this tongue for talking without thinking!
"Er...I..." Oh what the hell! "I thought he was going to rape me." Look at the floor now, interesting floor, patterns swirling around, yes, interesting.
"Why would you think that?" Janice asked calmly. She's not mad, that's great.
"I was alone at home when he got me. I tried to run but he threw the kettle in my direction, with boiling water intact."
"Ouch!" David cried.
"Damn, that must have hurt like hell!" Jack added. You think?
So, anyway, I smiled again coz there's no other way to react on that.
"Then he said that he wants me, before I fainted. I mean, stealing my kidney wasn't one of the many things that came to my head, and he did say that he wants me, so...I settled on rape." Janice smirked. I made it sound funny? It wasn't funny when I think about it two weeks ago when I had him on top of me.
"Didn't the whole ice cube thing ring any bells?" A lady named Macy asked. That's the first time she spoke that day. Her husband was a wife beater and so she is the victim of abuse. That strike a chord in me too. It's like looking at different kinds of me separated and singled out.
"I thought he was trying to cool down the burns...ya know...so he can do it?" That's embarrassing!
"You're funny Carter!" David laughed. Okay, maybe he's not that temperamental. I think I should recommend this place to Willa. I think there's still hope for her. Bitch.
Move along now.
"What are your fears now Nick? Why are you here?" Randy asked.
Oh oh.
Emotions.
Not my best traits, I've been told.
"I don't think I realize it until today. I feel like...I feel like I've been cheated. Like I've been robbed. I mean... Janice, I can really identify with your pain. To have something that I was born with taken away from me against my will, and...and...to have something foreign, something totally not mine, into my body without my consent, I...I know that this kidney, although not mine, is keeping me alive, I mean, without it, I doubt if I can ever jump around on stage like I normally do, but...I...it's not mine...I don't want it...I...I...I feel raped."
Emotions out. Add a little (okay A LOT) of tears and some panic looking people and you got me at this instant. What a wreck I was in. I don't even know this people and I was telling them stuff that even my brothers didn't know about.
I hid my tear stricken face under my palms, trying my best not to shake too much coz it was hurting the wound, (Not that it need any pushing to throb like it did since this morning) and then I felt a hand resting across my shoulders, giving it a little squeeze. It felt comforting. If I was at home right now, I know that hand would belong to Brian, but he wasn't here and I don't know who was practically hugging me.
I looked up and saw Janice, her teary eyes boring into mine, as if to say 'I understand, you're not alone'. That was IT, I can't hold it back anymore. I embraced her and cried on her shoulder. It should have been Maira, but I pushed her away.
What's wrong with me? I push the people who love me and care for me and I embrace all these strangers? I am weird. No thanks to Justin.
"Shh...it's okay Nick, cry all you want." And cry I did.
*****
"Do you realize what you just did?" Justin asked me after the meeting. We were helping ourselves to the free flow of drinks and cakes at the cafeteria. All those crying made me hungry. And while we're on that subject, guess what I saw today? It was a very rare sight, seriously.
Justin was crying man! I guess my outburst stroke a chord in him too, I don't know. So he didn't gave me a hard time for it. We went to the washroom, wash our faces and when I was about to leave the washroom, he said, "Just so you know, I'm not telling anyone. It's safe with me."
Not sure if he really meant it or just so I won't tell the guys about his outburst.
I was being mean again.
"What have I done?" I asked as I took another sip of the strong black coffee. Caffeine does wonderful things to people.
"You hugged Janice!" He cried like an excited little boy. So?
"I didn't know you have strong feelings for her. Sorry man."
"What are you talking about? I didn't mean it that way." Justin said.
"So...what way did you mean it?"
"Newsflash- She never hug any guys, even her own father, after what happened to her."
"And I'm suppose to feel special because..."
"Dude, you just helped her to move one step closer to security man!" I did?
"Really?"
"Duh?"
"I do feel special."
"You should."
I'm smiling. There's still hope for me!
"Look, I'm going to the car park first, see if our bodyguards had left us stranded or what. Once you're ready, call for Tony, he'll come get you." Justin said as he threw the plastic cup into a black plastic bag.
"I am capable of getting there by my own." I said.
"Tony doesn't think so. You know what he said earlier on, don't you?" Now he's trying to play big bro on me!
"Fine!" Justin raised an eyebrow, smirked and left. Damn him, did he just copy that look from me??? Imitations I tell ya. Okay, mean again, bad Nicky!
Oh man, this cake is simply delicious. I could come here all the time if they don't stop serving these.
"Nick?" Janice.
"Hey."
"I'm going now, my daddy's here to pick me up. Take care of yourself alright?"
"You too." I smiled.
"Oh yeah, do you have a girlfriend Nick?" Why?
"Yes, I do."
"Great. Treat her well okay?" Er, I think she's pissed with me right now. But I will take that advice.
"I will." I wasn't sure if I should hug her after what Justin just told me but she surprised me when she opened her arms and let me in an embrace.
"You take care Janice, I'm sure there's a really nice guy out there for you." She nodded.
"See you next week?" I nodded. She smiled and left.
I dug my hand to the back pocket of my jeans and fished out my cellar. I rang Tony as was ordered. Doesn't mean I like it. It's so unnecessary.
"I'm coming over, just meet me halfway alright?" But of course he would oppose to the idea.
"It's four in the freaking afternoon and I'm walking to a well-lit open space car park with you meeting me halfway. How bad can that be?" I argued. I heard Johnny, Justin's guard agreeing with me.
Fine! But I'm not responsible if some ants tried to cross the road and hit you on the way!
He's funny.
"Yeah, yeah, just meet me half way alright?" I hung up and walked out of my first ever Anonymous meeting.
I saw Justin's van right at the end and he was still hanging around the car park, much to Johnny's disgust. He was asking him to get in the van without much success. I think Tony can relate to that.
I saw him coming out and I waved at him. He saw me and smiled.
This is great! I never thought it'd feel this good. I've let all my emotional baggage out and I don't have to worry about them worrying about me all the time coz all of them will go back home with their problems still intact. If I've cried like that in front of the boys, they would be very worried and be on my case 24/7. I think I understand the whole purpose of this.
And the wonderful thing about this is the fact that this whole thing is like a chain. Nick Lachey helped Justin, he helped me, and I helped Janice and I'm sure it won't stop there. I feel good again. At least, something good comes out from all these.
I kept my eyes on the ground coz I was smiling to myself, partly happy about deciding to do this and partly because I was blushing after remembering my stupid outburst; and I don't want Tony to see me smiling at myself or he might just convince the guys to make me see a psychiatrist.
Ouch!
I bumped into someone. Doofus! That's what you get for not looking at where you're going!
"Sor-"
Whoever it was, was wearing a ski mask.
I didn't have time to think. I felt something sharp went through my body. Good spot too coz it went right through the stitches. I looked down and saw half of a knife impaled in me. He caught a firm hold of my body when I was about to fall. I could feel his breath on my neck, and I saw Tony running towards us. His face was contorted into fear, he seemed to be shouting but I couldn't hear him.
"Your wish is granted Nicky." He hissed in my ear. I have no fucking idea what he meant. He wasn't about to explain it to me though.
I felt him pulled out the knife, practically dropped my body to the ground and ran. I saw Tony coming to my aid, cradling my head on his lap. It's not an easy feat being a big man that he is. I felt another pair of hand putting pressure to the wound and saw Johnny. Justin came a second later. He looked horrible, mumbling stuffs I don't comprehend. I heard Tony screaming at him to call for help. I guess it work coz he was ranting on the phone seconds later. I hope they understand what he was talking about. Trust Tony to have someone who is freaking out to make a phone call that would save my life.
"Hang in there buddy, don't close your eyes!" Tony whispered to me. Sleep? That's the last thing on my mind right now. I need to get to the damn hospital! I felt choked suddenly and I found myself coughing.
Blood.
I'm choking on my own damn blood. It was restricting my airway. I'm having trouble breathing.
I can't believe this!
Chapter 9
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