Was there an explanation to justify the situation I am in right now? I had pondered on the question for quite some time now but I couldn't get a definite answer. Maybe I was just too tired to think about it hard enough. Or maybe I had learnt there was no explanation rational enough to verify the reason as to why I am standing next to the hospital bed, staring at the fragile hold on life the figure lying there is suffering from. Lord, I doubt there is ever a logical reason to explain why I am staring down at my own self.
I looked so tired. My eyes hidden behind heavy eyelids that seemed sunken and dark circles decorating them. I bet if I ever get to open them up again, the blue will only look faded and gray, matching everything else that had worn me out. My hai...they don't look so blonde now. They seemed a darker shade of blonde, almost brown. Given a different situation, I would be glad to finally be rid of the 'dumb blonde' status, but now, all I want to see is for those locks to look golden again. My lips, if ever they had called it kissable and sexy or delicious (I somehow cringe at the thought) now are just dried, parched with tiny slits of broken sensitive skin that now showed glints of red.
They had me artificially ventilated, the hissing of the pump the only guarantee that I will not go without air. Many other things had not been left unnoticed by my naked eyes but to describe it out loud, Lord, I don't have the strength to do even that. Fortunately, they had me covered up with the hospital gown, or I might just die looking at the stitches. Or maybe I did? Die, I mean. Maybe I'm dead. That's logical enough reason to be in a situation where I am right now, right?
Oh dear Lord, I'm truly dead? I am dead? Me?
What the hell am I talking about? I just said that I was artificially ventilated! There were still vital signs and the monitor showed my somewhat irregular heartbeat. Irregular, but still beating. How could I stand just lying there doing nothing?
Distant whispers from outside of the room caught my attention. I walked out of the room and found practically everyone loitering somewhere along the corridor. I saw my mom and dad, sisters, brothe...all gathering in a corner, dad was explaining to them about me, I assumed.
In the waiting area not far from them, Maira was sitting on the sofa, deep in conversation with someone on her cell phone. I went over to her, wishing I could touch and smell and those lovely flock of red hair. But I know I couldn't reach that far. She was talking to her mom, about me. Telling her that she will be all right and I will be just fine. Somehow, from her downward staring eyes, I could tell that she was lying. But of what? Of her being fine or about me making it through?
A single tear slithered down her cheek and that too she fiercely wiped. Her lips were not quivering, her voice never betrayed her as she continued speaking, her free hand clenched to a ball of fist, she was calm and composed, but her eyes, it betrayed all the hard work she had put up for show. I could just stay there and watch her, wishing that somehow I could whisper hope and happiness into the soul of the woman who had taught me the meaning of being in love. But I found myself turning away, walking away from her. To where, I'm not sure myself.
The next thing I know, I was in a room, but it's not mine. On the bed instead, was Kevin, with his left leg covered and bandaged. He, was surrounded by my three other brothers. Brian was sitting on one of the chairs, his gaze matched that of the one I saw in Maira. AJ and Howie was standing up although there was another chair next to Brian. I guess neither one of them would feel comfortable leaving the other standing up alone.
"How is he?"Kevin asked, his voice deep and soft as always. The lines on his forehead creased as he frowned.
"Could we possibly know?"AJ sighed. " They didn't allow any of us see him. Not even his parents."
"What AJ is trying to say Kev, is that they had put him under isolation."Howie explained.
Well, that'd explained a lot when everyone preferred to loiter outside of my room instead of visiting me.
"Why did they put him in isolation? Is that bad?"
"Standard procedure Kev. He just had a transplant and they don't want to risk contamination. They're practically keeping the room germ free."Brian replied, still staring down at the floor.
"What did the doctor say?"
"He's still out cold. And he's still too weak to breath independently. No surprise there considering the complications he had in there."AJ replied casually. How could he be so calm about this? What complications?
"The waiting period always suck huh?"Howie sighed.
"We can spend it praying for him."Brian said, somewhat sounding uncertain himself but hopeful.
"Yes, we could."Kevin nodded.
I wanted to stay there with my brother, I really do. But I found myself walking out on them the very same way I walked out on my family and Maira. Down that passage way again, I saw Tony, Mark, the rest of the bodyguards and surprisingly, so of the Nysnc and O-Town guards were there too.
I entered the room next to Kevin and found Ashley the same way I had found myself and Kevin. Lying on the bed. But unlike Kevin, Ashley was asleep. And unlike myself, whom they had hooked up to numerous complicated looking machines, he only had a single intravenous drip prodded in his left arm. Just like me, he looked worn out.
Of course, the rest of the guys were there, giving their support. Same conversation lingered among them while eyes still staring down at their friend's slumber state.
"What the hell is Digoxin?"Trevor asked, almost hissing.
"Something they give for heart patients, I think."Jacob shrugged. I've met both of them only once at the rehab center but I could tell the difference in them. Jacob was as hyped as AJ although more grounded. And Trevor who was as crazy now looked lost. So does the other two guys I haven't had the chance to meet. If my memory serves me right, they are Dan and Erik. Not that I'm forgetful about names, just the guys ones.
"What did the doc said?"Erik asked.
"He'll be okay, just tired. They got him in time."Dan replied.
"Can't say the same about Nick huh?"Jacob sighed. Are they talking about me?
"I feel so bad for him. I really hope he pulls through."Yeah, I think they're talking about me.
I can't just stand there and listen to them talking about how hopeless my chances are of surviving. I am still hoping for a miracle of some sort. Heck, making it through the transplant operation is miracle enough.
I walked out on them, pleased to know that Ashley will do just fine. This time, I know where I was heading. Isn't it obvious enough? I'm going to meet my fellow rival label mates.
Justin was sitting up right on the bed with (obviously) the rest of the guys surrounding him. And if my vision serves me right, he was crying. Never thought I'd see the day. This is the inside scope paparazzi love to see and I got to witness it first hand. In an 'out-of-body' experience nonetheless.
"I will never forgive myself if he dies!"Justin was saying in between sobs. Was he referring to me? His only direct hate?
"He's not gonna dude, so stop worrying."JC consoled. I like JC.
"But they put him in isolation! You know what that means? It's like saying he's condition is critical!"
"It's normal procedure J. Nothing to worry about."Joey added.
"I shouldn't have come out and tell him about all these. Should have just let him stay in the dark. What was I thinking? Rehab? God, he got stab because I brought him there!"
Whiny. Was I like that? The dude needs to know that never once I blamed him for everything that happened. In fact, and maybe I should have told him this before, that I'm glad he came forward and introduced me to the rehab centre. Being alone never sits well with me. Knowing that someone else is going through what I'm going through is a relief. You don't feel alienated anymore. Someone needs to tell him that.
I walked out on them, unable to handle the intense atmosphere in there. Justin will be all right. In time, time will heal.
Standing outside, in the never ending passage way, I wonder, where do I go from here? Somehow, something inside me stirred. There's no where else to go. My journey ends here. Where should I be now? Did I miss anybody?
I couldn't spend the time indulging in those thoughts anymore. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and I knew I had to follow it. This is my calling. My fate. Hate it, but I have to do it.
I forced my right leg to move another step closer and that was when it hit me like a rock. The pain on my side was back. God, it was back with a vengeance. Like they had put small rocks packed in my kidney and having its sharp edges scraping against my flesh. I stifled a scream but then realize since nobody could see me, they couldn't hear me too right?
I screamed, the loudest I could ever let out, and found my legs gave way under me. My head connected to the hard floor first, in an instant, flashbacks of feeling myself smacked head down on my kitchen floor came back to haunt me.
Blurry and nauseated, I lay there for what seemed like eternity, screaming for help, screaming for the pain to go away, while I see bodies like mine, lost souls like mine, staring down at me, wishing that they could help. But of course they couldn't. And so, I stay there.