You know that split second when you are in between sleeping and waking up? That a quarter of a second when your eyes are open but you still haven’t got the feelings to your limbs back yet? It felt like you’re floating, you’re awake but you’re not in you. Do you know what I’m talking about? I sound confusing don’t I? But it’s the truth. You should try it sometime.
I love that part of waking up. It reminds me so much of how close we are between life and death when you’re asleep. It’s not a scary feeling really; it’s just amazing how our body works. Some people take waking up for granted. You open your eyes and the first thing that comes out of your mouth is ‘damn it!’ coz you really wish that you could sleep in for a little while longer. Being given the taste of how fame feels like, I tend to appreciate the smaller things more now. And I try very hard not to curse when I wake up in the morning, no matter how sleepy I was.
But today, I cursed myself for waking up.
I was in my room and I don’t even want to know how they got me here. I was actually expecting to wake up in the hospital again, with hands tied to my bed so that the doctors won’t have to worry about Nick Carter not listening to the doctor’s advice anymore. Today, I woke up and I found myself unable to feel that split second of magic where I feel like floating. Today I woke up with the pain screaming for me to do so. It was in my dream, no, nightmare, it was in my nightmare and it forced me to wake up.
"I just want to see if he’s okay!"
"He’s not okay alright! And you’re not invited here!"
"You don’t understand, he has got to know what happen, I have to tell him!"
"And you have to push him too? I don’t care if you get violent with your guys but you don’t EVER lay your fingers on my brothers, you get that!"
That’s Justin and Kevin by the way. They had been screaming outside my room for quite awhile now. I forced myself to get out of bed and felt the tight bandage around my abdomen. I think it was just a small tear or something, no biggy. I pulled myself up and surprised myself when I could actually stand on my own two feet. I took two steps forward and besides the pain, I can do it.
I just realize, for a guest room, it is definitely big. It’s gonna take forever before I get to that door. I wonder what Justin would think about this house? It’s very normal compared to his own pad. But he don’t have the view of the ocean, so in my opinion, my house is much, much better off than his. I sounded like there’s a competition going on between the two of us. Well, ain’t my fault. The media basically put that in my head.
Halfway through the room, I stopped and glance over at the wall mirror. Is that me looking back at me? I looked like I haven’t got a wink of sleep for days! I walked closer to the mirror, standing face to face with my own reflection. Those eyes...why do I look so sad? There’s something missing isn’t there Nick? And you don’t know what the hell it is. You felt it when you got back from the hospital. You told AJ too and he looked at you all funny. Are you going crazy now? Is this how it looks like?
I pulled up my shirt to see the stitches but it was hidden under all those gauze. A small spot of bloodstain could be seen. I looked up again and met my eyes again. Will you ever be the same Nick Carter again Nick? Can you go on? What the hell is missing Nick? You felt it too don’t you? I can see it in your eyes. You’ve never looked this sad. I know you. You never showed it, not in your eyes. So why now? What’s wrong with you?
I am fucking talking to MYSELF!
I checked the rest of my body. The scalds on my arms had long healed. Now it’s in the process of changing skin, like snakes. I have dried, cracked skins peeling off me now.
They’ve given the lotion, something to moisturize them so that I won’t look as gross but I haven’t got the chance to groom myself lately. My lips were parched and dried too. I licked the upper lip, and then the lower one and watched as the visible crack disappeared. When was the last time I drink something? I lost some weight, I wonder if it’s because I hardly eat anything or because I seemed to be very generous with my blood lately. They had changed my clothes too. This one is one of my old shirts so it kinda fits me just well. I can really see the real size I am now. I definitely had shrunk a lot. I don’t like it.
I shivered a little; I guess I’ve been observing too closely that I scared myself. I quickly tear away from the mirror and continued walking.
"He was doing so good until he came to talk to you! What did you tell him exactly?" Kevin roared. I tried to imagine Justin’s face right now. I mean, I never win when it comes to arguing with Kevin. He seemed to tower above me (doesn’t matter if I’m taller than him by the inches) and boomed his orders around, making me feel like a kid who’s just got grounded.
"I told him the truth Kevin, truth that should have come out from you. He doesn’t need to be protected, he’s 22 damn it!" Got to give him credit for that. I would never have shouted back at Kevin even if I find myself actually speaking the truth.
"We will tell him the truth, but just not now alright! This is exactly what’s gonna happen if we had told him." AJ defended Kevin.
"No AJ, this happen coz Justin just cannot lay his hands off him!" Brian yelled. Oh well, Brian yelled, this must be really serious.
"Look, he knew when he came to see him that Justin’s a bit...not himself, we have warned him over the phone millions of time before." Lance stepped in. Well, he did actually.
"So, you’re blaming Nick for it? You know pretty damn well he just got release from the hospital, you know he’s not healed yet, and you still did it!" AJ shouted. You go AJ!
"Look, all I did is tell him what he wants to know. I tried not to tell him but he insisted alright. I didn’t mean to push him...that’s an accident." Yeah right.
"What did you tell him Justin?" Howie asked. Still the same peaceful Howie, there’s still hope.
"What, you’re gonna interrogate him now?" Joey asked.
"Nick’s not the only one affected by this you know. Justin’s had his fair share of depression too." Chris added.
"And if it isn’t for him, Nick won’t even go to the Anonymous meeting." Lance said.
"If he didn’t, he won’t get stab in the parking lot now, would he?" Brian pointed out.
"I asked him to go for the meeting for his own good! He told me he was glad that he went. I didn’t know some asshole is gonna stab him! You think I didn’t feel guilty for all these? I feel guilty for taking him there. I feel guilty for leaving him there alone. I might be next they wanna stab and that scares me. And yes, it’s my fault for pushing him, I’m sorry alright? I just have to know if he’s alright. That’s all I’m here for." One hell of a revelation doesn’t it Justin?
The room fell silent for a while. Shit, the Backstreet Boys are dumb. 1-0 to Nysnc. I don’t like where this is going.
"What did you tell him Justin?" Kevin asked again.
"Everything."
"As in?" AJ asked.
"I told him about the nightmares he’s having, number six, what happen to number seven..."
"So, you told him that guy is dead?" Brian asked, somewhat shock.
"Yes."
"Just great Justin! He nearly died Justin, and you have to tell him someone actually did? Someone who actually suffered the same thing as he did?" What do you mean Howie?
"What do you mean? He’s dead, end of story." JC asked.
"You didn’t know what happen to him did you? Didn’t bother to wait around for the whole story. He saw him man. He saw his kidnapper’s face and he tried to run away, just like he did. He even tried to use the bathroom’s window like Nick did. He tore away the stitches, he stabbed both his thighs. I guess the kid is too weak to fight and he died. The bastard put him back in the bathtub and even left a message for the paramedics who arrived ten minutes later. You didn’t know all these when you told him, did you?" Whoa, this is new...please, tell more Kevin.
"What...message?" Justin asked.
"This one’s for Nick." AJ said. Huh?
"What do you mean?" JC asked.
"It means, the kidnapper did a copycat on the kid, just like Nick’s kidnapper had done to him but Nick got away, so he did this to the kid for Nick." I’m still not getting this.
"In another word, he’s saying, if Nick had died, this boy will not. Like payback, know what I mean?"
Really? Is that what really happen? The kid died because I live?
"And you think he can handle all this when we don’t even know if he’s gonna make it through tomorrow?" Brian asked. What does he mean by that?
"What do you mean? He’s alive isn’t he? The doctor said that it’s just a small rip." Lance asked. Yeah guys, please don’t get so worked up!
"Did you even see all those fucking pills in the kitchen when you were in there?" What pills? I see no pills! "We didn’t even have the courage to tell him that he’s gotta have to take all those. That his life depends on them." What are you talking about Howie? Please, don’t make it more confusing than it already is!
"What’s wrong with him?" Justin asked. Yeah, what’s wrong with me?
"That bastard who stab him, got to the kidney, it collapsed and rejected his body so they have to take it out. He’s living with just one kidney and the doctor said that he’s body is too weak to survive on just one."
What was THAT? Did I hear him right? What is Kevin talking about? One kidney? I have one kidney?
"What? He’s...what’s wrong with his kidney? Even if he did have only one, it’s healthy, he should survive."
"Quiet down guys, Nick’s still sleeping. I really don’t want him to find this out this way." Now you’re telling them to shut up. Too late Brian.
"Brian’s right. Look, we’re sorry this thing happen but there’s no point in shouting at each other like this." Fuck this! You found out all that you have to know and now you wanna just go?
"What’s wrong with his own kidney Kevin?" Justin asked, calmer this time. I can’t hide in here forever. Justin has no right to know about it when he didn’t even tell ME.
I turned the doorknob quietly and swung the door open. Everyone was startled to see me.
"When are you planning on telling me this?" I asked. My eyes boring into Kevin’s with pure fury.
"Nick...we...I’m sorry...let me explain." Kevin stammered. Yeah, whatever. Too late guys, I know everything and it hurts that you didn’t tell me in the first place. I’m not your fucking little brother anymore. You don’t have to protect me! When will they ever learn?
"Get out." I said. I really mean it.
"Nick, please..."
"Stop it Brian, don’t tell me anything. Just...get away from me."
"Nick, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-"
"Didn’t mean to what? Hit me like you did? Made me bust open again? I don’t care if you’re sorry, just get the hell out of my house!" Justin looked lost for the first time. He’d thought I’d be siding him for telling me everything. Sorry dude, but I’m in no mood to forgive anyone. I’m in no mood to be friendly.
"Nick calm down, we can talk about this."
"Shut up okay! Just shut the hell up! I don’t want to talk about it! You fucking lied to me and now you want to talk? Fuck you Howie!"
Lonely. That’s what I feel.
"I’m sorry Nick, I truly am." Justin said before he left with the other Nstinks. I have no time to be nice. Fuck them all to hell! I didn’t even look at him. I’m looking at the four guys whom I thought would never lie to me. But they did.
Betrayed. That’s what I feel.
"Nick, please, don’t shut us out, let’s talk about this okay?"
"No! You guys fucking lied to me! I hate you! I hate you!" Brian was crying. I know I’ve hurt him. I’ve hurt all my brothers. But I’m hurt too. Doesn’t that give me the right to feel this way?
"Just go away okay? Go away and be happy and leave me alone!" I turned to get back into my room but I guess I moved too soon, the dizziness came back with a vengeance. I had no time to react; I couldn’t find anything to break my fall.
"Come on, you’re still weak." Kevin said as I felt a pair of hands supporting my weight. Grabbing me from behind. I pushed his hands away. I don’t need your sympathy.
"Get away from me! Go! I don’t need your fucking help!" I cried. I mean, really cried. If mom could see me now, it’s like a re-enactment of me being the stubborn five-year-old boy she used to have.
"Let us help you Nick, please, don’t shut us out." I didn’t shut you out Brian, you guys shut me out.
I couldn’t fight them off when I felt more than a pair of hands trying to drag me back to bed. I saw AJ already spreading my comforter out, waiting for me. Everyone had a role to play.
My role is to be the helpless victim.