This was like deja vu once again. I really don't need this. I hate hospitals! This time around, I woke up knowing that I was in the hospital. I didn't even played around the idea that I might be dead. Death hated me too much to let my suffering ends. He wanted me to live so I can feel the war that was raging in my body. Death wanted me bad, he was killing me slowly. He was eating me from the inside and to be honest, it's working.
The pain wasn't as bad as it had been the first time. I guess I had finally got use to it or something. And what crazy dream I had! It actually did happen to me. The trip down memory lane. Howie had never been the prankster, he was always the victim, but that day, when Brian and AJ had decided to turn against me, he had been there to help me plan on my payback. For a day, we were SweetKaos.
That bedtime conversations with Brian...I missed sharing room with him. It was always fun to have someone to talk to at night when you just couldn't seem to sleep. And Kevin...much as we tried to be as responsible, sometimes it just slipped away you know...I've had a lot of pizza breakfast and lunch. And seeing AJ shooting b-ball with Brian...I remembered that one too. I think I was sixteen then. It was two weeks before our first promotional tour to Europe and Asia kicked in. That was the last time we ever played without a care in the world. That was like our last freedom. These days, shooting b-balls were things we did for the in-betweens. And I missed Maira.
What else did I dream about?
Felt like I missed something...something really important.
Argh! What was it??? Think Nick, think!
Something to do with green...but what? I have to tell someone...this is important! But what is it?
I gave up. I'll think about it later. I'm still busy trying to keep wake.
The room looked somewhat different. I don't think it was the same room I was warded in the first time. I couldn't wait to see the guys. I couldn't believe I actually survived a stab wound! I've made up my mind, I'll let the guards take care of me, as long as I'm here with the guys, I'll be happy. I love them too much to leave them now. I really don't want to die.
I turned my head when I heard shifting at the front door. It was Brian, and he was shocked. He was holding a plastic bag, I think he just bought himself a sandwich or something and he had dropped it to the floor. He was staring at me I just looked at him.
AJ bumped into him seconds later. He dropped his cellar on the floor too. "What the fuck! Rok, move away from the door, you're a walking hazard!" He cried and bent down to retrieve the phone. Brian still didn't move.
"Thank you Lord, the cell is working!" He got up from the floor and stared at Brian.
"Wassup with you?" I saw Brian pointing towards my direction. AJ followed his finger and his gaze fell on me. I shifted my eyes to him. He had decided to join in the freeze/staring game with Brian now. I wish I could speak up but I'm just too lazy. Besides, it's fun to see their faces like that.
"All I'm saying is, they should have done more than that-" I heard Howie and Kevin approaching. His sentence was cut short when they bumped into the human wall of Brian and AJ.
"Guys, I did say we need more security measures but you guys just don't cut it." Kevin mocked. Brian and AJ didn't move.
"You two look like you guys are the one in coma!" Howie joked.
"Come on, get out of it will ya?" Kevin frowned.
"He's...he's awake!" AJ screeched. Brian nodded his head vigorously. Kevin and Howie stared back at me. Now I have the official freeze/staring team.
"I could go back to sleep if you don't want me to wake up." I croaked. I hoped they heard me.
Kevin had moved first, he had tears in his eyes. If my eyesight weren't playing tricks on me, I swear I saw his lips quivered. Another rare sight to behold. They worked in a team, it had always been our priority in the group. We work together, move in one direction and we'll be safe. So I wasn't surprise when I saw Howie, AJ and Brian moving forward too. They had tears in their eyes too. And seeing AJ cry so openly just touch me so much. Brian had no problems crying in public. He looked like a schoolboy really; he is married right? Was that just in my dream too? Mmm...nope...I think that one is real, he's married. Howie was trying his best not to cry but I don't think it's working. They keep coming out and he keeps brushing them away. I felt my vision blurred. I thought I was going to black out again or something but I realize I had tears in my eyes too. Oh man, this is gonna be sappy.
"Shit, don't make me cry guys!" I sobbed. Too late. Kevin reached out for me first and I embraced his hug. The warmth he radiated in me, I never thought he loved me this much.
"I miss you kiddo." Right, the name thing again. You would thing they would be nice for a while and just call me Nick.
He pulled away from the hug and for a second, I thought he was gonna leave me. Please don't ask me where that came from. I'm just too sensitive right now. Brian hug me next and lets just say he wet my hospital gown more than I stain his shirt. Frick and Frack reunited. He didn't utter a single word, but I heard soft whimpers escaped from him. I felt him pulling me closer to him and I thought I was going to choke to death.
"My turn Frick." AJ joked. "Easy, you're gonna strangle him." At that note, he let go of me, and stared at me in the eyes. Worried lines creased on his forehead. His eyes read 'Did I hurt you?' and my eyes read 'In your dreams'. He smirked and let go.
"Glad you wake up buddy." AJ and his informalities. He made the atmosphere much more bearable and less mushy. That's good cause I don't like mushy.
"Can't get rid of me that easily Bone." I cracked.
"Still difficult. We've been warned."
"Let's just get this sappy part over shall we?" Howie interrupted and pulled AJ back so that he could come forward. He looked at me, unsure if he should give me a hug or not. What's wrong Howie? I don't bite.
"Sweetkaos." I blurted out suddenly. I didn't know what triggered me to say that. Could be the dream. "What?" Howie mused, as he gave me a hug. It's been a long time, maybe he's forgotten.
"Nothing bro, just mumbling." I said.
"You know, we should inform the doctor that Nick's awake." Howie looked at me all funny. Everyone looked at each other in silence and nodded uneasily. Something is going on and I really don't like it. Seeing nobody move, he continued. "Hey, why not I go and find him?"
"Yeah D, you do that." Brian replied innocently. D rolled his eyes and left the room.
"Do you need anything Nick? A drink maybe?" Kevin asked. My throat is kinda dry.
"Yeah, I think I can do with a little drink." I replied. Kevin poured a glass and handed it to me. I reached out and took it from him. My hand trembled involuntarily. I watched as the glass shook in my hand, threatening to drop any moment now. I willed my hand to stop shaking but it seemed like it had a life of it's own. I saw Kevin's hand covering mine, helping me to make it stop. He took the glass away and while still holding on to my hand, gave it a little rub.
"You're still weak Nick, I should have known." Kevin replied very softly. I was still in shock. What the hell happen? Am I that bad?
"Here, let me help you." Brian offered as he took the glass from Kevin. I saw him poured a little on his handkerchief and proceeded to wet my lips with it. "Your lips are too dry, it's gonna hurt if you drink straight away."
"How did you learn to do that?" AJ asked, amused.
"Hey, you're talking to the guy who spent most of his childhood in hospitals." Brian replied proudly.
"Yeah, I forgot." AJ shook his head.
I felt useless. I'm not used to being treated like this. What is wrong with me? I really wanna ask them but everything felt like a chore right now. To open up my mouth and utter simple words seemed heavy after what just happen.
"Okay Nick, here you go." Brian had placed the glass on my lips. He tilted it up a bit and I let the water went into my mouth. Refreshing, that's what it was.
"Thanks." I whispered.
The room fell into awkward silence again. Even AJ was fidgeting, I bet he was wrecking his brain for something funny to say.
"So, how long was I out?" I asked. There, wasn't that bad now, was it?
"Did I break my previous record?"
AJ chuckled. "Damn sure you did." Wasn't the answer I was hoping for but nevertheless, I knew it's more than four days so I must have taken it very badly.
"How long?" Do I really wanna know?
"Two?" Brian replied. How come it sounded more like a question?
"Two days? I didn't break any record bro!" I replied, hoping that I sound cheerful enough for them to get off my back.
"More like two weeks Frack." AJ replied.
Two weeks. That's long enough for someone to sleep right?
"And nobody cared to wake me up?" I asked.
"Erm...do you want us to tell you or would you rather your doctor say?" Kevin asked. Depends. Is it the same gorgeous doctor?
"Is it my previous gorgeous doctor?" I asked.
"Tough luck Nicky. It's a 'he' now." AJ smiled victoriously.
"Okay, spill." I said.
"You sure?" Brian asked. I nodded.
"You were in a coma bro. ICU, life support for ten days." Kevin explained. The bastard really got me good. Life support...isn't that like they had something pump in me cause I can't breath on my own or something? Should have watch more ER!
"But you got better, and they move you to this normal ward." AJ added, seeing that I didn't respond.
"The doctor said that you will wake up eventually and you did four days later. You're one hell of a strong guy Frack." No Brian, I'm not strong, I'm just unlucky. If I die, it would be better. I don't have to wake and face reality again. Know how it feels like to carry this pain everyday?
What am I thinking? This is the guy who spent his childhood worrying if he would ever live to see the day again. He had struggled to keep alive for years, missing out on some of his childhood because of it and look at him now. Successful, happy, married. I shouldn't be thinking about dying. Damn it Nick! The Lord gave you a lot to live for and now that he gave you one major setback, you want to die?
"I was stabbed." I blurted out. I sounded surprised, like I just realize what had happened to me. Why is that?
"We know Nick. But it's over now, you don't have to worry about." Kevin replied.
"It's over? You mean they've caught the people behind all these?"
"Not that lucky Nick. I think what Kevin is trying to say is that what's done is done, you have to move on." AJ explained.
"Besides, the security is tighter now. We're safe." How come I have a feeling that Brian is lying? He, of all people should know that no one is safe for as long as the bastards are free. Are they thinking that I'm so gullible as to believe everything they say? They got to me twice and they will do it again.
"Why is security tighter?" I asked. I mean, the only reason why they were tighten is that the threats are still there.
Kevin looked uneasy, like as if they were trying very, very hard to hide something from us. Even Brian and AJ didn't seem to want to look at me in the eyes anymore.
"Guys, please don't lie to me anymore. I'm old enough to take care of myself, you don't have to protect me all the time. Please, just tell me." I saw Kevin sighed. Brian and AJ were looking at him, expecting him to spill everything and end their misery. Kevin frowned at the realization of the responsibility that were thrown at him. He looked at me and bit his lips.
"Nick, they found victim number seven three days ago."
*****
It had been two days since I woke up from my coma. And the thought of knowing there was a new victim still felt fresh in my head. They told me that the guy was from an up and coming boyband. They had released a single in Europe and were hoping to hit back home with it. I think, this guy must really be a hunk, I mean, the group's only starting out and he already got a psycho lunatic for a fan.
I know I shouldn't be thinking this, but part of me was relieved that victim seven wasn't any of my brothers.
On the first day that I woke up, the detectives had started to harass me with questions again. I told them that there are little I could do to help them. They didn't get me when I say the bastard wore a mask and I can't see his face. They keep asking whether I could remember anything else. I remember the picture when I looked down and saw the knife impaled in me. But I didn't tell them this though.
The guys also told me of how Aaron had canceled four of his tour venues just to be by side, together with my parents and the girls. But the media got suspicious and started to trail him back to Florida. Questions were asked why he had decided to leave the fans stranded half way for a 'family reunion' and why it didn't include his equally famous brother Nick Carter. At first, there were speculations saying that I had fall out of the family, that we had a huge argument and I choose my girlfriend. Then they tried hunting down for me and found Maira in France instead. Rumors started that Maira and I broke up and now I'm lost and stranded. Then they started following Aaron and found him always coming out of this hospital. That was the last straw. The detectives had to step in and suggested that my family should refrain from seeing me too often. Management had advised Aaron to continue his tour.
"If words come out that you're in hospital, they will start asking questions. This will only risk the lives of the other victims, not just you." KC had told me. I understand. So my family had to sacrifice for the sake of others. But I really need them by my side right now. The guys also told me that Maira didn't know about the attack. Her show is due next week and the guys knew that I want her to concentrate on it totally. She didn't call, that's what Brian told me. Three weeks and she's still angry at me. I wonder if she's forgotten all about me. Did some French dude swept her off her feet?
"You ready Frack?"
"In a minute J." I said as I grabbed the wilted bouquet of flowers that my family had left for me. I'm going home today and you know what's even better? I'm walking on my own two feet, no wheelchair this time.
I told the guys that I can't go back to my house just yet. Everything there seemed to remind me so much of the bad things. I wanted to stay at my parents' house since they've left it unattended to follow Aaron on his tour. But management said that that would be like inviting the media's attention straight at me. So AJ offered to take me in since Sarah had gone visiting her family for a month. God works in mysterious ways.
I made my first steps to the door, it's been a while since I get to use my legs again. The two days that I've been here, they don't let me walk for more than 10 steps away from my bed. But I convinced them that I wanna start walking now and they let me.
"Huh." I blurted out. I didn't know I've said that out loud until AJ turned to look at me.
"What?"
"Something's missing...did I miss something?" I asked, turning back to look at the drawer next to the bed. Everything's cleaned up, not a single thing in sight.
"I don't see anything. I don't think so." AJ mumbled. Funny, I still feel like there's something missing. What is it? This is frustrating. Just like the dream I had, I know there's something else that I've forgotten and so far I am drawing blanks. I keep thinking of the color green and Justin. Why the hell is he connected to my dream is still a mystery to me.
"Did you look inside the drawer?"
"No man, there's nothing there." I replied.
"Did you check if you still got your brain?" AJ smirked.
"Yes AJ, it's still in my head." I rolled my eyes.
"Then use it once in awhile. You didn't miss anything." AJ retorted.
"Let's just go." I sighed as we stepped out of the room. I wanted to tell him that I still feel like there's something missing but I just don't want him to have the impression that Nick's gone mad.
I bumped into Dr. Irwin on our way out. He was the doctor in charged of my well-being. He's in his fifties and was supposedly to be a senior doctor in the hospital. I guess I should count myself lucky to have such a respectable doctor to take care of me. He had been helpful. He told me what I have to know. Note the word 'have'. He told me what I have to know, not what I 'need' to know. It was the same old thing, 'you've lost a lot of blood and we have to transfer blood to your body', 'Your body lack oxygen and this caused your comatose state' and 'you'll get better, the stitches will dry up in two weeks' bla..bla..bla..
I have a feeling he's hiding something from me too but I doubt that it is his fault. It's either the guys or the management who doesn't want me to know everything. Protect the little kid. Keep him in the dark. Yeah, that helps.
"Remember Nick, not too much walking now. Some things are best done slowly." He said, smiling at me calmly. He's always slow, it's like watching something in slow motion, but the puzzling thing is, he always get it done in time. I really admire this man.
"Thanks Doc, I'll take care of myself, I promise you don't have to see me in a few weeks to come."I replied.
"Yes, in fact, I don't want to see any of you guys here unless you're visiting. Take care of yourself AJ, it's always good to be cautious. There's no such thing as being too cautious okay?"
"Yes Doc, and thank you so much."AJ shook his hand and we said our goodbyes and parted ways.
AJ's house is much bigger than mine, he bought it recently as an engagement present to Sarah and himself and everything is just so neat and lavish. I mean, they have leopard prints and consist of the black and off-white colors, still the rebellion side intact and Sarah has that wild side too, but it's just too neat for AJ. But that's not what I'm complaining about though, it's the fact that I can't see the ocean from here. His house is practically surrounded by huge lawns for his golf course. There's an indoor swimming pool that has a rooftop that will open up, but it's different you know?
"The difference between a bachelor pad and a couple's is, Nick's and AJ's house." I teased him.
"What? Come on, this looks like a bachelor pad damn it!"AJ protested.
"Ha! Wake up AJ, your house before Sarah is like the aftermath of a Tornado disaster hit twice!"
"Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about! Let me remind you that you live with your girlfriend too." AJ pointed out.
Yeah, but it's different between Maira and I. We practically didn't see each other often. Most of the time, the house is just a place where I put furniture in. It's like we just co-exist with each other but do I really know her? I love her but do I take time out to really, really know her? The price you have to pay for fame. I always told myself before I ever got a girlfriend that if I have one, I will be loyal to her. I will spoil her rotten with my love and devotion, so far, I've just done the opposite. Besides, Maira doesn't want to be spoilt, she's different.
"Where's my room?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
"You know that all my bedrooms are on the second floor right?"I nodded. "Sarah had done it all up just for you. I thought it looks cool. You're gonna love it man!"
"Let me guess, you painted the walls blue, you have toys lined up everywhere and I'm sleeping in a cot. And you have a banner saying 'welcome home my bundle of joy' right?" I teased. The smile on AJ's face left him.
"You find this all amusing, aren't ya?"
"Yes." I giggled.
"Come on, let's get up already." He took the duffel that contained my clothes away from me and led our way up the stairs. AJ had this small steps made up and so it took us twice as long to get up there. Half way through, I was out of breath. Which was weird cause even though I am slightly out of shape right now, this shouldn't be a problem for me. But that's what I felt. Out of breath and really tired. I stopped halfway and supported my self by leaning against the wall.
"You okay man?" AJ asked when he saw me stopped.
"Is it just me or is your second floor actually your 100th?" I asked. I looked up at him and he wasn't smiling. I thought I was funny. He kept his eyes on me but didn't say a word.
"J? You listening man?" I asked again.
"Yeah...I heard ya." AJ mumbled. There's something about the way he look at me, like he's feeling so sad and guilty. Why is he so sad and guilty? This is AJ, the guy who never let his soft side to show more than five seconds. The guys who love to put laughter in between cries. "Come on, let's just go. I'll let you take a nap after this."
I don't need a nap J, I just need a breather. "I think the doc is really serious when he said I should take things slowly." I joked. I saw him smiled and shook his head. Okay, I'm getting there.
*****
I did took a nap after that. The room was definitely cozy. In fact, it looks much cooler than the bedroom I shared with Maira. It's all in white, and color itself, in it's purest sense, calmed me down. There were hints of framed posters of the Backstreet Boys, a reminder of why I survived all these. The purpose of my existence.
I heard a little commotion going on down stairs when I reached the flight of staircase. I should have know, of the guys will coming down here. This is gonna be a bachelor pad for a month. I jogged my way down the stairs and again, I have to stop halfway. My heartbeat raced like as if I had just run a mile. I was practically gasping for air when I reached down.
"Hey...guys..."I greeted in between gulps of breath.
"Hey Frack, glad you finally decide to join us!" Howie called back.
"Wassup?" I asked. Brian and Kevin were both frowning at me. Again, wassup?
"Nick, are you alright?" Brian asked. I just woke up Bri, of course I feel great.
"Why shouldn't I be?" I asked.
"Cause you look pale." Kevin replied. I do?
"I do? Doesn't matter though, I feel great." I smiled. I saw that Brian and Howie were on the playstation. That's funny, normally, when we meet up like this, they would be at the backyard, shooting some balls. "How come no one's shooting balls?"
"Tired." Brian yawned.
"Lazy." Howie added.
"Basically, we're slot pigs today." Kevin replied.
Okay then...
"Where's our resident chief?" I asked, referring to AJ. I received mumbles of kitchen...drinks...food...I got the message and went to look for him.
He was in the middle of ordering pizza when I reached there. A tray full of Pepsi, Mountain Dew and some other beverages was on the table. Man, even his kitchen is neat! He ended the phone call just about the time I made my presence known.
"Can I bring your bedroom home with me? I think I've grown very comfortable with it." I said, startling him in the process.
"Damn it Nick! Don't creep up on people like that!" Why is he so jumpy?
"Sorry. How come there's no beer?" I joked.
"Ha! Ha! Very funny. I'm into caffeine now, damn those AA meetings. They have to serve those things, don't they know it's drug too?"
"Didn't you get insomnia or something?"
"Yes. It made me think of alcohol even more!" AJ hissed. "Hey, I'm getting this over to the other lazy dudes in my living room for a sec, you mind waiting for the water to boil?" I'm not disabled Bone, I can wait for a water to boil, how hard could that be? I nodded and mumbled a yes.
I walked up to the fridge (which was huge by the way, it's like my walk in closet) and took a peek inside. AJ is a man of food. He loves he's food. And everything in there are junks except for a little compartment filled with fruits and fruit juice and stuffs like that. I decided that that little compartment belongs to Sarah.
I heard the kettle whistling and rushed up to switch off the stove. His kettle looked exactly like the one I had back home. The one that the bastard had thrown to my back. It was a gift from Mom when I got the house. I wonder if the police kept it as evidence or did they just put it back on my stove. I didn't really know. I stared at the disfigured reflection of my face on the kettle, my features stretched vertically, I looked like an alien. I waited for the figure to come creeping up behind me. I know what I'm supposed to do now. I won't let him have me again. Never. If he did, I swear I will pour the boiling water myself and make sure that this time, it's fatal. I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer and then I opened it up again. He was behind me, all black, just like before. I will not run this time, I will give him a piece of my fight before he takes me down.
I turned around and aimed by punching right on his abdomen, but he was too quick for me, he backed away. I know my chance is up, I've wasted it. It's time to run now. Run! I am indeed stupid. I ran straight for him and he held me back. His strong arm grabbing me around my waist, I screamed cause he was hurting my wound. It's gonna burst if I don't stop him. I felt his arm loosen around me and suddenly, my cheeks felt stung. Like as if I was slapped. I stopped struggling when I felt his body stopped moving.
"It's me Nick, it's me." He was saying. I couldn't register who he was, my eyes were blurred by the tears.
"What happened?" I heard footsteps rushing towards us from the back. Why are there so many voices here? Shouldn't it just be him and I? This is wrong.
"Nick, it's me Kevin. Relax okay, you're safe here, there's no bad guys alright?" I wiped my tears and saw Kevin staring back at me. Soon, Brian, AJ and Howie were crowding us.
"Oh my God, what happen?" I asked. How could it be like this?
"You tell me. I was just about to ask you if the water has boiled and you came lashing out at me." Kevin answered. Oh man, that black figure is him. It's not the bastard. Of course it's not the bastard, he's in jail!
"I'm sorry...it's just that...that..."that what?
"It's okay Nick, you don't have to tell us." Kevin said, reaching out to hug me.
"That's what happened that night isn't it Nick? This is how it looks like." I heard Brian mumbled next to me. Oh Lord, I just frightened them didn't I?
*****
Green...knife...gold...shiny...
don't worry Nickolas, this won't hurt
Green...knife...gold...shiny...
I woke up with a start. I found all four guys hovering over me, frowning. I was sweating like a pig and the whole air-con room felt warm all of a sudden. What are they doing in this room? I know they had decided to stay overnight at AJ's today but I also know that they all had a room for themselves. Why are they in my room now? How come I didn't hear them coming in?
"Guys, what the hell are you doing in my room?" I gasped, trying to catch my breath.
"You don't remember?" Howie asked. I shake my head.
"You were screaming Kaos! You woke me up!" AJ cried. Brian glared at him.
"What AJ's trying to say is Frack, we were scared when you started screaming like that." What Brian? I was screaming? Why would I do that? I don't even remember it.
"I was screaming?" I asked.
"Yeah, ...please… don't...stop...' stuff like that. You had a nightmare Nick?" Kevin asked. Do I have a nightmare? How come I don't remember it.
"No...I don't know...I can't remember." I replied. Did I really scream?
Then it came to me, I remembered green, a knife, something shiny and stuff. What the hell does that means? I know green and it's got something to do with Justin but shiny? Knife? Oh wait, knife, I can understand, but shiny? What the hell is shiny? Okay, that's it. Time for drastic measures.
"I have to see Justin." I said. The guys looked quizzically at me. I'm sorry guys, but I really need to see him. Maybe by just hanging around with me might help me get the dream back. Or whatever it is that's been haunting me.
"I have to see Justin, I have to ask him something." I said again.
"I don't think it's a good idea." Kevin said as he slump himself down at the edge of the bed. Everyone else looked away, as always, refusing to explain to Nicky.
"Why is it a bad idea? I really need to talk to him. I think there's something that we both know that might help the police. But I really need to see him to figure things out." I explained.
Brian sat next to me on the bed. He placed his right hand on top of mine and gave it a little squeeze. What he was about to say next was something that I wish I don't have to hear.
"Nick, Justin has practically locked himself up in his room. He refused to see anybody. After what happened to you, he tried committing suicide but the guys found him in time. He no longer talks Nick. He won't see anybody."