"Truth or dare?" AJ asked. This is exciting. It's been a long time since we play this game. Schedules had become so tight ever since our second album broke the market. We're still trying to get use to the whole 'work around the clock' idea. Lou would be so mad if he caught us all in Kevin's room when we should be sleeping.
I looked at the four faces siting in a circle with me. Even Kevin seemed uncannily childish. Howie was giggling like a school girl (something that I will keep to myself for now) while Brian was sweating. It was his turn. And everyone is expecting for him to take the dare. And judging by the evil grin on AJ's face, choosing 'dare' could just be Brian's biggest mistake ever.
"So what's your pick Rok? Truth or Dare?" AJ asked again, urgency in his voice. I looked at my bestfriend, this game had affected him real hard. He didn't even want to play if it hadn't been for our never ending pestering.
"Why do you have to be the one to ask me?" Brian whined. Ha! This is so fun when it's not your turn.
"Coz it just happen to be my turn." AJ grinned.
"This sucks!" That's the whole point Rok! He studied AJ's face long and hard and finally sighed. "Argh! This is crap! Okay, okay, dare! Ya happy now?"
AJ looked like a million bucks. Brian should have just said 'Truth' it would be much simpler then.
"Okay Rok, being a good friend that I am, here's my cellar, call Leighanne and ask her to have sex with you tonight." See what I mean? He should have taken the 'truth'. He barely knew that girl. How long had it been again? A month?
"Dude, you could just ruin his life if Leighanne decides not to talk to him again after tonight." Howie shook his head.
"I can't do that, besides, she's not with us, why would I wanna ask her that?" Brian pointed out. Hmm, that's so true.
"Then ask her for phone sex! I don't care! You already chose to do it, you can't back off!" AJ cried. I don't think there's any way to escape this. Poor Brian.
"Fine!" Brian took the cell and started to dial her number.
"You are so dead cuz!" Kevin said, blushing. Phone sex, hmmm, wonder how that's like…
"Hello? Leighanne?" Howie covered AJ's mouth when he realized the rebel was about to laugh. "Yeah, it's Brian. Listen, I was just wondering, if er…if you're free tonight…" I tried to put on a straight face but just listening to Brian stuttering like that got me flushed red.
"You know…maybe we could do er…like er…phone…phone…hello? Hello? Leighanne?"
"Dude, what's wrong? Did she hang up on you?" Howie asked.
Brian stared down at the cell phone. "Your battery went flat on me Bonehead!" Brian yelled. Everyone laughed. I laughed. Oh my God, that's hilariously funny!
"She's gonna think you're a perve cutting the call like that." Kevin laughed. Brian didn't find any of this funny, of course.
"Shut up! I'll call her tonight and explain everything. Who's next?" Oh oh. That would be me.
Shit!
"Niiiiiiiiccccccccckkkkkkkkkkyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!" Damn it AJ, no need for screaming fans, I could be deaf because of you.
"Who's asking?" Kevin asked.
"Howie, your turn." Brian pointed out. Ah, Howie, he's nice, he won't make me do anything stupid. Would he?
"I'm drawing blank man. I dunno what to ask." Howie frowned. Well, I'm a very interesting person D, there's only so much that you can ask me! This is insulting.
"I've got one! Come on D, pass it to me!" AJ cried. Shit! This is not good!
"No way! Howie's supposed to ask me!" I protested.
"No offense bro, but I really am stuck right now. J, you'll have the honor." Howie smiled. I'm gonna kill him.
"I hate you!" I cried.
"I love you too bro." Howie smiled. I rolled my eyes and prepared to wither under AJ's merciless orders.
"Okay Nicky, Truth, or dare?" I'm not stupid Bone. I'm not gonna make Brian's mistake.
"Truth." Brian, Kevin and Howie groaned. They were expecting the prankster to take the dare. That would be funny for them. Not gonna let them have that.
"Okay then. Say we were trapped in a burning house. You, Howie and I. You can only save one of us, who are you gonna save?"
Shit.
"Man, you really use your brain in this one huh bro?" Kevin joked.
"Hey, I happen to be a thinker alright?" AJ said.
"Says who?" Brian laughed.
"My zodiac!" AJ snarled. The guys got engaged in a laughing fit, but I don't find it at all funny. I don't like this truth thing. I should have taken the dare, worst comes to the worst, I had to run up the corridor with my boxers on.
"Okay, okay, shut up. Come on Nick, who's your pick? Howie or me?"
"Is my girlfriend there?" I asked.
"Oh yeah, I forgot, this happen in the future right? So you just realize you're a fag, so you have no girlfriend. And your boyfriend was busy screwing one of our dancers while this was going on."
"Fuck you AJ." I hissed. Just because I'm young and I don't have a girlfriend doesn't mean I'm not gonna have one forever! I'll show him one day. Nick Carter can have girlfriend too.
"See what I mean?" AJ laughed. Forget Howie, I wanna kill him!
"Give him a break Bone. Come on Frack, who's it gonna be?" Brian asked.
"Er…where's Kevin and Brian? They can help me right?" I asked.
"Kevin saved Brian and the cousins took the first flight out to Kentucky. Yes, they don't really care about us."
"Hey!" Kevin yelled. "Take that back!"
"Nope. Kevin and Brian ain't anywhere near. Kevin's busy calling his girlfriend outside and Brian was at his part-time job in a phone sex service somewhere. The lucky bastard!"
"Nick, can you please answer the damn question before I have to slap him on the face?" Brian whined.
"But, aren't you two who were supposed to save ME? I mean, I AM the youngest and all…" Stalling…what does it gives you? Prolonged insanity.
"Do you need to be specific in EVERYTHING Frack?" AJ sighed.
I can be fussy when I want to. I nodded.
"Fine. So this happen when you're…say…22! You're not young anymore and it just happen that Howie and I weren't as lucky. We were injured. Who do you save?"
Easy for you to say.
How do I choose?
I love them both!
How can I choose among my brothers?
Who will die?
*****
"Howie! AJ! Come back!"
They can't hear me, I'm too far away from them. Can't they see that something's not right with the picture? I mean, the man was wearing a mask for God's sake! I don't think Howie really paid attention to the people around him. His a very sweet person, I think all he's thinking about right now is to make sure that he gets the van in time for Ashley. And AJ would think that a man wearing a mask in sunny Florida is just someone who share his weird sense of fashion.
Damn it legs, don't slow down on me, not now!
"Howie! AJ! Come back! Please!" I don't think I can go any further. Something's burning inside me. I can't breathe.
He was getting nearer to Howie and my brother was oblivious about it. I stopped on my track when I saw the bastard took out what looked like a metal rod and continued to approach him. AJ stopped too. I think he knew what was about to go down. I heard his voice breaking the silence. He was screaming out his warnings to Howie.
But Howie kept running and the moment their paths met, I saw the rod swung down on his right side. Howie jerked back, didn't even make a single noise and dropped on his knees to the ground. I remembered the feeling of skin scraping this very same coarse ground. I saw him crouched and then fell to the ground. He didn't move. The bastard's going to take him and there's nothing that I can do about it.
He didn't stop there. To my horror, he walked nearer to us. To AJ. He was leaving Howie behind. He didn't want Howie. He was approaching AJ and my brother was in a state of shock to even run.
"AJ! Run! Run!" I heard myself shouting. But I think it came out more like a whisper. I've lost my voice, I need air and I am hurting. I saw him struck the back of his hand to AJ's head. My brother dropped to the ground and tried to get up again. Half way through it, the bastard punched him on his abdomen, knocking the wind out of him coz now, AJ can't even stand. I have to do something.
I ran. I don't give a damn if I can't breath, I'm not letting that bastard hurt my brothers. I heard the van veered and screeched loudly, it was coming for them. Oh God, they were going to take AJ with them!
Flashbacks of what they had done to me in that motel kept me running. I can't let AJ go through the same hell as I did. I won't let that happen. I can't let it happen.
"Nick! Help me! Help!" AJ's terrified. Hold on bro, I'm coming! Please, please, please, don't die yet. Help AJ! Come on legs, run faster!
He had pushed AJ into the van but the door was still ajar. If I could just dive in, I can pull him out. I heard someone shouting at the back. Someone saw what was going on. Great! They'll get help. I'll just stall them for a minute longer. I can do this.
I jumped inside the van and met eye to eye with the bastard who had stabbed me. I remembered his eyes. Cold blue. I remember it now. I remembered when he told me that my wish was granted. Yes, I didn't want the damn kidney in the first place and he had taken it away from me.
He grabbed my shoulder, the van made a U-turn dangerously. AJ was out. Sprawled in the van, he couldn't hear my struggles. I can't even reach him.
"If he struggles like you did, I swear I will have fun killing him tonight!" I froze. The van swerved sharply again, sending new piercing pain up my body. He brought up his right foot, connected it to my chest, gave it one huge kick and I went flying out of the van. I landed next to Howie, face down.
My cheek burnt as it scraped against the ground, air left my lungs, my head throbbing. In the midst of identifying the pain, I found Howie's eyes. He was staring blankly at me, not moving. There was nothing there to see. His eyes were cold, rid of emotions. That very same soft brown eyes that sparkles with life and serenity, now dead.
"Howie?" He didn't move.
"Howie?" He didn't move.
It hurts to think. I don't want to think. All that I could hear was the voice at the back of my head, blaming me for what was about to happen to AJ, blaming me for the death of a brother lying next to me. Blaming me that I should have died, that all these will never happen if I did.
But I've never pushed Death away. He shies away from me.
I'm not going anywhere, come and take me.
*****
If I hadn't let AJ and Howie come along, they might still be jumping around right now. The bastard might try and kill me again and if I'm lucky, I would die and then they would all be sad, but most importantly, they would all still be alive.
Darren Wight would have his dreams fulfilled with his group, he might as well replace the dead me. AJ wouldn't have to feel what I felt being ripped open and knowing AJ, he would try to escape and I know what will happen to him if he does. He'll be found in the bathtub, dead and buried. And how could someone as sweet as Howie die? He's a nice guy, he deserves to be happy. He would make a great husband to a lovely woman. But now, he won't have any of that, coz he's dead. And who's fault is it again? Nick Carter. The guy who among the five, is the least deserving to live. Oh my God, what have I done?
They're putting me on oxygen, what the hell for? Just let me die. Haven't I ruin everything already? Maybe I should do just that. Yes, the hand is working, good. So, I should just take this damn mask out of my face right? Then the oxygen will stop coming in, and I will stop breathing. Brian and Kevin will be fine, they have their wives. I can't face Sarah right now. She was so happy, keep talking about their wedding plans. And I can't face Pollyanna, losing a sister is hard enough, now her brother? No, I can't face them. And I won't make a good boyfriend to Maira. I am not the same Nick Carter she knew. I've changed. I can't give her happiness when my whole life is centered towards guilt. This is the best way.
"Nick! What are you doing?" Oh great. Nick, next time you want to end it all, cut short the speech and just do it!
"Don't talk, I'm putting this back on!" Come on Brian, don't you know when to call it quit?
"Don't fight me Frack! Just breathe!" But I don't want to breathe! Breathing will keep me alive and I want out!
"What's wrong with him Rok?" No, not Kevin! Damn it! You've never done anything right when you're alive and you're even a failure at being suicidal. You're pathetic Nickolas.
"He didn't want the mask. Put some sense in his head Kevin!"
"Nick, listen to me. You have to use this, you're not strong enough. Everything will be alright, just breathe." You're lying again Kevin! How could you say everything's fine when AJ could be dead somewhere and Howie…Howie died damn it! Nothing is ever gonna be alright!
"Stop trying to talk!" Brian scolded.
"Look, if you promise to breathe, we'll let you off it a while and then you can talk. How's that?" Oh man, Howie's not even long dead and Kevin has started being the negotiator. I nodded.
"Cool. Now breathe!"
*****
I didn't manage to say anything, the oxygen was intoxicating me and before I knew it, I had drifted to sleep. How do I know this? Coz I found myself waking up again. This time, Brian was sitting on the chair to my right. He had this worried look on his face when he saw me waking up. Yeah, yeah, I know, no talking.
"Morning." He smiled. Sorry dude, can't smile back. You won't be able to see it with this mask on anyway.
"Wanna let me get rid of those? I can do that you know." You mean take off the mask? Yes please!
"Remember to breathe now okay? It'll be dizzy for awhile but just breathe and you'll be fine." Yes, doctor.
Oh damn, that feels so good. No more mask jamming on my face.
"They…they took AJ." Do I have to cry? It's not good for the breathing.
"I know." Brian replied, his own blue eyes glistening.
"And Howie…" I don't have the courage to say this out loud.
"I know Nicky, I know…but they'll be fine." Brian smiled. Fine? You called them dead fine?
"No Rok…it'll never be fine. They're dead because of me!" I wanted to shout it out but it come out all wrong. I sound like a mouse.
"Nicky, don't be stupid. Howie isn't dead!" What? Howie's not dead? But, but…
"He broke two ribs, that's about all. He's in the next ward and once you're strong enough, we'll pay him a visit." He's alive! Howie's alive! Yes!
"He is? I thought he's dead. He didn't move…"
"He's okay Nick, don't sweat about it. And…we found AJ." You found AJ? Really? Is he okay? Did they take his kidney?
"Is he…Did they…" What the hell am I trying to say?
"He's alive Nick…he's…" What? Tell me!
"I believe someone's looking for me?" I turned towards the door. The most beautiful sight greeted my eyes. Kevin was wheeling AJ in my ward! He looked pale and a little bit shaken, but he's alive! That's all that matters.
I kept my eyes on him for the duration that Kevin took to wheel him next to me. Felt like hours.
"AJ, are you okay?" I asked. He raised his right hand up and reached out for mine. He gave it a little squeeze and then, the unexpected happened. He cried.
What was I to do? Why is he crying like that? I saw Kevin placed his hands on his shoulders, gently rubbing it, giving him the support. I looked at Brian, expecting an explanation, but he looked like he was about to cry himself.
"I'm sorry." AJ had just apologize to me. For what, I don't know. I should be the one doing the apologizing.
"Why are you sorry and why are you crying?"
"We never understand what happen to you Nick, we never will, it's just too horrible." Okay, still clueless people!
"What are you talking about AJ? Did they do something to you? They took your kidney too didn't they?" I asked. I sound pissed. I should be.
"I got away Nick. I ran."
"He escaped before the culprit get to open him up." Kevin explained. Seriously? Damn, never judge a book by it's cover. AJ's way much smaller than I am and he escaped!
"Thank you Lord! AJ, I'm so happy for you! You have got to tell me details man! And Howie's not dead! We're still five!"
"Nicky, if I they got me under the knife, I will never have made it. You're stronger than any of us, you know that?" If you tell me that Darren Wight is alive, maybe I am.
*****
We had just returned from Howie's room. He's still sleeping but doctors said that he's out of danger and should be waking up anytime soon. They made me go back to my room to catch on my sleep. Tony and the other guards are here too. They never leave us out of sight anymore. In fact, I have Tony in the room with me all the time. I'm not complaining about that, at least I have someone to talk to.
Tony told me that Ashley was doing fine. He had a minor attack due to the infected wound. He was attended to and was given the green sign to go home. I heard that the management weren't happy about it and the O-Town guys are walking around with bodyguards of their own. I haven't heard anything from Justin though. I wonder if he's still having the insomnia.
Attempt to kidnap AJ was reportedly said to be the doings of the same circle of people. What change now is, that the blonde blue eye concept is no longer valid. And they had police officers in too, in case they tried to get to AJ again.
"You want something to drink Nick?" Tony asked.
"Nah. I'm okay."
"Okay then, try take a sleep, you've been very busy with your social visits to Howie that you hardly sits down. That's like the opposite instruction of your doctor."
AJ was warded together with Howie, that's why my social visits had been frequent. Maira came too and she made me promise not to go to anymore anonymous meetings. Seemed like whenever I want to get better, something happen and almost take my life away. I have to agree with her on that.
The detectives had been on our case again. There was nothing much that I can tell and they had gone back disappointed. But I told them that I would recognize his voice if I heard it and even AJ vouched the same. That got them a little better. Glad I can help.
"Is visiting hours over?" It was Brian. He had been grinning the whole day, his whole face lit up like a boy. He told me he's happy that we get to be together again, even if it has to be the hospital.
"Always open for the Backstreet Boys." I smiled.
"Make it short. The man needs his sleep." Tony joked. Brian shook his head.
"Just wanna say goodbye."
"Goodbye? Where the hell are you going?" I asked.
"Home?" Brian asked, mocking me.
"Oh. I thought you were flying off somewhere." Why would I think that?
"I hope not." I laugh. Which was not a good idea considering a lot of things.
"Take it easy Frack, I'll see you whenever." Brian smirked when he saw me wincing. "And remember to breathe." I waved him off and he left, Josh in tow.
I lye back down on my bed, trying to get into a comfortable position. The right side of my face was swollen with bruises so the only way to go is to turn left. Breathing has been difficult. I felt the change in the way I breathe. Something that is so easy to do now seemed so difficult. The aches on my body from the effect of being thrown off the van now emerging from the unknown. I was too happy for Howie and AJ that I forgot about it all.
*****
"Remember, put him in the ice as soon as you can or he'll die. He cannot die, that's not part of the deal."
"What if he wakes up?"
"If he saw you, then finish him off."
"Here's the rest of your money. Clean this whole damn place up, we have to get back to the hospital."
"And remember to get more stuffs at the hospital. Just ask for her, they will let you through."
"Surgical department, remember that."
"I know what I'm doing. I'll take care of business."
"He's waking up. Better get him in the tub now."
*****
I woke up finding myself unable to breathe. A pair of hands was brushing my hair back. My head hurts, the swell on my face throbbing, heck, I could even feel that empty spot inside of me, where there once laid my kidney. My body was burning up, I don't know why. I was soaked in my own damn sweat, everything just feel damp.
"Shh…take it easy Nick, breathe in for me." Tony. It's Tony.
*How could this happen?*
*Where were you when it happen?*
I'm in the hospital right? Why are people shouting outside? Or was it just the throbbing in my head that made it sound like that?
"Nicky, concentrate please, breathe."
*Don't start blaming my men! What about 24 hours total security? You promised us that!*
What the hell is that all about?
"What's wrong Tony?" Kevin. How come he sounds so nasal? Had he been crying?
"He's in shock or something. He's not breathing properly!" Who is not breathing properly? Me? Yeah, it's me.
"I'll get the doc!" Kevin, please, don't call the doctor. I know how to breathe, just…it's difficult right now okay? What do doctors know? They'll just give me a shot and put me back to sleep. I don't wanna sleep, I don't want the nightmares!
*Look, you can't argue like this right here. Our patients will get distraught. Do you really want Nickolas to hear you?*
Hear what nurse? Are they keeping secrets from me again?
*Nnnnnnoooooooo!!!!!!!!*
"Shit!" Shit? What shit Tony? Someone please tell me!
*You bastards! How could you let that happen?* AJ? Is that you? What happen?
*Brandon, get him out of here.*
*Fuck you! I deserve to know!* You tell him bro! And why is Brandon here?
"What's wrong?" My doctor is here. *Great*.
"He's in shock or something. He can't breathe."
"Tell the people outside to get out of here. This is not a circus gathering!" Whoa, Dr. Irwin is pissed off. "I'll give him something to soothe him down. He must have been having the nightmare again." See what I told you? He wants me to sleep, end his troubles!
"Come on Nick, snap out of it." Wish I could Kev, but I'm in no position to control what's going on in my own body.
*Brian's not gonna make it, you know that!*
"Someone please get AJ out of there. I can't handle this right now." Kevin is loosing control. Something to do with Brian.
What the hell?
What's wrong with Brian?
*Brian's not like us, he'll die…* Damn this thing works fast! AJ's voice slurred somewhere in my head, like a broken record. I couldn't make out the rest of what he had said. But I could hear voices from my nightmare calling me again.