Come to think of it, what that nurse said on my first dialysis session was true indeed. In time, I'll get use to this. So used that now, I could insert the needles into my veins myself, without even wincing. You just got numbed after awhile and the constant throb that I once felt burning my arm eventually got drifted away when I sank deeper into my own thoughts. It's funny how I think of my head now, it's like a giant washing machine. Put all the dirty stuffs inside and starts swirling. Only I don't know once it's all done, if it's gonna be clean. I mean, can a bad experience be erased totally? Didn't they say that we learn from experience? Or was that learn from mistakes?
Maybe I did learn a thing or two from all these. Like how unpredictable life is. I mean, you could be at the top one day and just be nobody the next. But then again, I could have learn that from the business we're in. Oh, and I've learn to realize that nobody is invincible. We're not an untouchable group of superstars. We are exposed to all the negative vibes in this world too.
I learned that I have lots of people who love and care for me and that they would put my life before their own. And then again, I learnt this in the business. It is so unnecessary to have someone kidnapped me and play doctor. Damn, am I messed up or am I messed up? There was really no other way to look at it.
When I found out Maira was involved in the hit and run, everything else just shut down on me. Everyone was yelling and arguing in that room and the guys were there to back me up, considering the fact that I just sat on my seat like a corpse. I wasn't that far from being just that, to tell the truth. I was having a difficult time accepting the 'news' coz somewhere in me, I KNOW Maira wouldn't have the heart to do that.
A Conspiracy that began it's work from the moment I met her? I found that too far-fetched. This whole thing wasn't about ME, I was just one of the victims until I tried to play hero and barely escaped with my life intact. Suddenly I wasn't just a name on the list of 'Superstars' they wanted to open up, I became THE list. So can I say that I asked for this? I asked to be put in this situation?
And yet, the others in that room didn't see it that way. It doesn't matter if I was having a difficult time to take the news in, it doesn't matter if I had, in front of my 'rivals' broke down like an overgrown baby who still needs his mommy; the taunts and blames kept aiming towards my direction.
"And you didn't know Nick? You didn't know your own girlfriend is in this!" Lance had screamed at me. Or least he sounded like Lance. I wasn't really paying attention.
"If you'd known, all these could be prevented!" Someone from O-Town had screamed, I can't really see, but the voice seemed to be coming from them. And I sat there, taking in every blame.
"Yeah? How? You don't even know if this is true! For all we know, she's innocent!" AJ had yelled back.
It was at that moment that I felt a hand squeezed lightly on my shoulder. I didn't look at who it was but the grip had warmed me. Then Brian's face came into focus in front of me. He was kneeling down and smiling, like as if the heated drama that was unfolding in the room did nothing to stir his anger.
"I'm bored, wanna get out of here?" That was his way of saying none of us have to be in the room and take all the crap that were thrown at us. I nodded my head and he smiled once more before moving up to the back to wheel me out. Howie was already waiting to wheel Kevin out too.
"If you've decided to stop acting like kids, you know where to find us." Kevin said calmly and we left. AJ came out a few seconds later short of breath and we looked at him in amazement. It was admirable what he did, standing up for me like that. For all we know, Maira could really be one of them.
"Nick, they want you to come down to the headquarters today." AJ told me once we were back in my room. And Brian had expressed his displeasure of the idea. Howie and Kevin thought so too. But you see, none asked me what I think.
"I thought the purpose of having that meeting here is so that he doesn't have to go there in the first place." Howie exclaimed.
"Nick's still weak, he can't go there." Kevin had added. Like they couldn't see that.
"And you know what's gonna happen there right? More questions! No, wait, make that stupid questions!" Brian spat.
"Guys, they want him there coz Maira wouldn't talk. She was asking for you." AJ said, referring to me. That got my attention. I pictured her in a cell, locked with all those bad guys. I pictured her scared and lonely.
"I'll go." I said, not having a difficult time to consider.
"You need your rest. You can go after that." Kevin had pointed out. I wanted to ask him if he would take his own advice if it was Kristin in there but realized that would be too harsh. All he wanted to do was protect me.
"I can have all the rest I want after I see her, I promise."
"Nick, did you know what happened to you after you ran out in the middle of your dialysis the other time?" Brian asked. He had sounded rather angry then that it got me puzzled.
"No. But what's that got anything to do with this?"
"Everything, Nick!" Brian almost yelled. The guys had kept silent, something that was odd too. "You lost a lot of blood! And for I don't know how many times, they had to give you a blood transfusion again. God Nicky, how many times do we have to sit around wondering if we're gonna loose you?"
I knew Brian didn't mean to sound like I was a burden, but it felt that way. And it hurt even more coming from him. The thing is, I know for sure that he would leave everything behind if Leigh was in trouble, she is his life. I wish he understand that the same goes to Maira for me. Yes, so right then, no one was ever sure if Maira was a backstabber but does it matter if I think she never was? Just like the stuffs we keep on singing, how do you prove the sky is blue the ocean's wide? All I know is what I feel.
"Brian, I don't need your permission to go, but I won't. Please, let me do this." Brian looked very much a pissed friend. It warmed my heart though, because I know he was just worried for me.
"Brian, what if Maira's innocent? We can't let her stay in some cell with some drunkard for long now do we?" Howie reasoned. AJ dragged a chair and motioned for him to sit. All the pushing he did on Kevin's wheelchair must have tired him out. No one had any idea how guilty I felt for his broken ribs. Or for Kevin's shot leg. Or AJ's kidnapping. Or Brian's. Or of Darren Wight's death. I can't be responsible for Maira if anything should happen to her too. I have to do this.
"Okay then." Brian nodded his approval. I felt a smile on my face and somehow, I felt light again. Like something heavy was lifted off my chest.
"I guess I'll just have to wait here and worry if any black van might just take a swing on your car and drag you out and take you away. Or some masked man going around stabbing you for no reason. You know, stuffs like that."
"Or you could bring this poor pregnant lady who's been hanging around the waiting room for a certain Brian Littrell. Or pray for my safety. You know, stuffs like that." I joked. I saw him closed his eyes momentarily and smiled. The guys laughed along.
"Yeah, I could do that." He giggled softly as he looked at me again. The worried spark still lingering in there but I knew he was letting me go.
"I have to do this. You guys understand that right?" I asked again, just to make sure.
And the guys understood. I asked AJ to come along with me since Howie was still nursing his broken ribs and Kevin, well, he's in the wheelchair. And I refused to have Brian with me when he should be with Leigh. Besides, Brian worry too much, I don't want to be the cause of his stress. Now AJ, he was pretty much like me. We hid our emotions rather well, so I figured, it was okay to be scared shit as long as we keep it to ourselves.
-
I was brought to one of those questioning rooms with that double view mirror. Maira didn't want to make a statement or admitted to anything and I was supposed to convince her otherwise. She almost looked as worn out as I was then. I doubt I could recognize her if I wasn't been told that the girl in the room I was about to go to was indeed her.
"Nick! You're not supposed to be walking around!" Now how could I ever accept the truth if she was indeed playing with me? Even in times such as these, I was her main concern. I wasn't expecting that kind of a reaction from her. I thought that maybe, if she had acted cold and mean, it would be easier to stop loving her and accept the fact that she didn't really love me in the first place.
"Should I be dead by now instead?" I asked. She looked hurt when I said that but what was I supposed to say then? I missed her? That, I do, but I also need to know the truth. I wanted to be proven right. That my faith in her innocence wasn't something that my demented head made up.
"You're still weak, you should be in bed." Maira said. She reached her hands to touch me as I sat facing her but her gaze dropped to the handcuffs that chained her wrists. She fell into silence then and I stared at the handcuffs, knowing that it was just wrong to see her like that.
When she looked up to see me again, her eyes were red and tears were paving its way down her pale cheeks. With nothing to wipe them away, I was tempted to brush them off for her, and yet once again, I stopped myself.
"Did you get there in time?" She asked. I looked at her in confusion, wondering where was it that I should be in time for.
"The girl, did you get to her in time? Is she safe?" I shook my head. I was busy staining the floor with my blood, honey. "So…she's dead?…Oh my God…"
I watched as she crumbled in front of me. All walls of holding back emotions broke down and I listened as she cried, sometimes her voice would break and she would wail. I wanted to go over and hug her but I didn't.
"Why are you crying Maira? Didn't you knock her down?" I asked, hoping that she would shake her head and tell me that it was all a lie.
"I killed her." And every little hope that I had hang on to died. There goes my love. Another relationship down the drain. Move over Willa, I just scored myself a psychotic ex-girlfriend.
"You didn't kill her, she's still alive." I said, almost toneless myself. I felt nauseous just being in the same room as her. How could fate be this cruel?
"What? She didn't die? Oh thank God!" She cried and at the same time, choking as she laughed, like as if a burden was taken away from her. Puzzled by her reaction yet again, I sat there watching her every move. Has my soon to be ex-girlfriend gone crazy?
"Then it was worth it to get that hit on the head for calling you!" And I was still confused. Who got hit on the head?
"Oh Nicky, it was horrible! That day, when I left you…I wanted to wake you up to tell you that I'm going back home but you looked so peaceful! And you've not been sleeping right lately so I left. And this guy…he was wearing a mask, he stopped me in the car park and forced me to drive. I…I was so scared, so I did…and…there was a car in front of me and he didn't let me stop! He made me speed up and I…I rammed the car into the drain! They were screaming and yelling and I didn't-"
"You don't have to tell me." I cut in. I know the truth now, I don't need to hear her crying and blaming herself.
"I didn't stop! I was too fucking scared for my own life that I didn't stop! I could have killed them Nicky! I could have killed someone!"
And I would be responsible if she ever did kill someone that night.
"But you didn't." I replied. "You were forced baby, you were just trying to save your own life, that's not wrong." She stared at her hands that was stretched on the table in front of her, avoiding looking at me. I began to think up of all the apologies I had to say to her parents. Look what dating Nick Carter did to your daughter.
"Maira, where did he take you? What did he say?"
"I don't know…some room…I can't remember. But he told me that I should be proud coz I just killed the girl that stole your kidney. And when he found out that she was still alive in the hospital, he told me their plan to kill her. I can't let that happen! I…I was desperate and I called you instead. I wanted to tell you where I was, I swear! But he found me with the cellphone and he hit me. The next thing I know, I was back in my car stranded on some road."
It was at that moment when I think I went mad. I can't really remember much except that I got up from my seat and started banging on the mirror. I yelled at them to make me stop this 'interrogation' on my girlfriend. I screamed for them to take those handcuffs off her. And when no one came in, I attempted to break the cuffs myself, forgetting that I was no superman. I remembered hugging her and whispering over and over again to forgive me.
Two days later, I was at their trial in Court. I didn't stay for long, I just went there to make my statement and left, never once, did I turn to see the face of the mastermind behind all these. I found out that when the police found Maira in her car, she fit in with the description of the hit and run car and the huge dent wasn't helping much.
And after a lot of thinking, I decided to go on and sue the girl who 'bought' my kidney. I won the case hands down and the amount of money that I got was divided into equal shares and donated to my brothers' charity foundations and the remainder to the dialysis center. At least, something positive came out of this.
Maira told me there were much more what that masked man had told her. She knew who was behind it and how the whole syndicate started and worked. She wanted to tell me but I told her I wasn't ready. Brian told me later on that she did however told the guys. I understand, coz to my brothers, they needed their questions answered. They needed some kind of a reason for the things that had happened to me and to them. With doubts and questions cleared, they felt that they could move on with their lives.
To me, I don't even want to know. Maybe someday, when I could look back and laugh at it a little, I would ask. For now, I found no need for it. One thing I know for sure, whatever reasons that they could come up with to go through with such a stupid scheme, that it held no logic to it. You see, only the sick and crazy do such a barbaric act. They held no logical reasons, something that I really need.
What I know is, at the end of the day, lives had been killed because of it. Lives had been ruined because of it. My life for one. Every time I saw Nysnc or O-Town on TV, I could hardly see any difference in Justin or Ashley. They moved on and they still sing and dance and smile. Some choreographs had to be slightly adjusted but that was just a minor change.
But behind those brotherly smile they flashed together, behind those group hugs and occasional pat on the back, lives took a dramatic change. Nobody saw the change in their daily routine. How they could hardly enjoy a game of basketball that often left them breathless. How they could no longer enjoy a mouth watering, generous helping of burger and not worry of how it was going to affect their body. How sometimes they felt they were slowing down the group. How much difficulties they ran into just to master a dance step or to learn a new song and get that pitch just right. How they handled the fear of one day, waking up in the hospital and being told that their only kidney left was going into a relapse.
But I know, because I felt them too.
The beeping sound of the machine drew me back to reality, to where I was. I pulled the needles out and cleaned yet another wound on my arm and covered it up with a handy plus. A cleaner came seconds later, smiled at me and started cleaning up all the complicated looking tubes and needles. I watched as some of my blood left in the small tube dripped to the floor and she wiped them off with a swift of a motion.
I went over to the resting area, where they had hot coffee and tea and small delicacies waiting for the patients such as myself. I took a cup of coffee and decided on the sofa at the end of the room where I could find some privacy. Taking a magazine off the rack, it just so happened that it was 'People', I laid back. The cramps had started to kick in but I had gotten use to that too.
I must have doze off coz I woke up with Brian next to me. It was thoughtful of him not to wake me up. He was reading the magazine that I had abandoned somewhere and something must have caught his attention that he didn't notice my wake from slumber.
"Hey, this is patients only area." I said as I sat up straight.
"Hey yourself." Brian smiled as he shoved the magazine to me. "They missed us."
I read the article about the fans' eager anticipation for our next album. It felt good to be missed and needed.
"I can't wait myself." I replied as I looked at our pictures which chronicles our way up to success. What was I thinking? Those hairs…
"Let's go then. They're letting us hear the final cut today and management has set up a little party for us." Today must be a good day.
"What's the occasion?" I asked, as we headed out to the car park.
"Lots of reasons. Today is your last dialysis, remember? Maira's coming back from France. And the album's done. We're gonna start touring in a month's time. I say things are looking up for us."
"And you're gonna be a father soon." I reminded him when he started skipping towards the van, where our bodyguards were waiting.
"That too!" He giggled as he got into the van. I climbed up after him and found Howie saying goodbye to whoever he was talking to on the cell phone, Kevin was reading the papers and AJ was playing my Nintendo.
"Damn it AJ, I paused that game! You didn't kill it did you?" I whined.
"You did? Dude, I didn't know, I restart the game!" He exclaimed, no remorse in his voice whatsoever.
"You WHAT? Get your own Nintendo Bone! You're rich!" I cried.
"Guys, come on, it's not like you can't play it again Nick." Kevin said as he folded the papers and started on another section. Cartoons. Sheesh.
"But I was a level away from breaking my last record!"
"You'll get there buddy, you're the king of …those stuffs." Howie reasoned.
I grabbed the game and switched it off and gave it back to him.
"NICK! I WAS WINNING!" AJ yelled.
"And that doesn't happen a lot." Brian giggled.
"I know." I said, giving everyone my satisfied smile.
Some things do change in my life, drastic yes, and like everything else, I adapt to them. But some things, no matter how bad your life took a turn to, just stays the way they are. Like my relationship with the guys. And it was those things that helped me to move on.