Howie decided to drive me to Justin's house, which was a few blocks away from mine. I didn't even know that he had bought a house in this area. Typical. Okay, I'm bad person, I shouldn't have said that. Nah, I'm not bad and I can say anything that I wanna say. Besides, it's all in my head, who would hear them?
Kevin decided to tag along too, I think he's worried after my outburst last night. He didn't went back to sleep in his room but jump on board on my bed. I'm glad he did coz no matter how scared I am to sleep again, I would never have asked any of them to sleep with me.
"You sure you wanna do this?" My thoughts interrupted, I turned to face him. I have them all worried and I really don't want that. But what could I do? I can't explain what I'm going through, and even if I did, I don't think whatever I'm gonna say will make much sense to them, I tend to blubber a lot when I'm nervous.
"I have to do this Kevin." I replied. Truth is, I'm not sure myself. But I want to know why I keep having the words 'green', 'knife', 'gold' and 'shiny' in my head. Maybe we could help each other to remember. I don't know if I wanna know why Justin tried to commit suicide but like everything else, I'm curious. He is the only link I've got to what I've experienced, and it's just curiosity I guess, why would he want to end his life. Part of me was actually afraid. I mean, if he did die because he wants it all to end, it's like I'm alone again. The person who had gone through the same thing I did gave up, so why shouldn't I just follow? I don't even want to think about that. I have all these energy inside me to nab the bastard and I want to know who victim number six and seven are. I know how it feels like to be alone, I want to reach out to them and help them, just like Nick (funny, calling my own name…) helped Justin and Justin helped me. I know I can do this. I want to know why Justin can't.
"It's just that, you're looking at the positive side of things, we just don't want you to look at Justin and feel like you have to be like him." I understand Kev, but isn't that practically a soul crying out for help? How long are we going to let him stay in the room? How long will he wait till he try to kill himself again?
"Kevin, if I did become like him in the near future, and I hope I won't, it won't be because of him, it would be me. So if I ever get into that suicidal mode, it's basically a cry for help, don't wait for me to ask, just help me. Will you do that?"
"You know that we will do anything for you bro." Howie said in front. Kevin nodded. I smiled.
"That's good to know."
*****
Justin's house does not overlook the ocean, that sucks! I think my house has the bestest (what? It's not a word? How come?) view ever! JC answered the door, he was expecting us, we had called earlier. Seemed like the whole gang were here. Suddenly, I felt vulnerable. I tried to remember of times when I've made fun of them live on National TV, I'm sure there were many, but I couldn't think right now. I began to picture Lance with a baseball bat in hand, ready to smack me down. This is humiliating.
"Wassup man?" JC smiled, shaking Kevin's hand and then to Howie. He strayed at me and his expression turned somewhat glum. Was that sympathy I saw in his eyes? I don't need sympathy. I'm not handicapped! "Hey Nick, how are you?"
Fine and dandy JC, you should try it sometime. The knife in your body thing really give me lots of time to sleep and rest. We don't get much of that for a long time, do we?
"I'm hanging in there." I replied, shaking his hand.
"Come on in, the guys are preparing lunch for us." Whoa! Nsync made lunch, better be careful. Poisons! They wanna drug us! Yeah Nick, less thinking please, you're killing your brain.
"Hey Howie, where's AJ?" Chris cried from across the room, 2 boxes of pizzas in hand. Oh, that's what JC meant by 'made lunch', we're on the same page then.
Justin's house is totally the exact opposite of mine. True to his words, CELEBRITY STYLE. I can't live in a house like this. It's like made for a prince. Oh wait, he is the prince. Me? I'm the KING. Nuff said.
"He ain't here bro." Howie said, helping him out with the other box.
"Yo guys, wassup?" Joey asked as he appeared from the kitchen, carrying more boxes of pizzas.
"You guys sure did lots of cooking today." Kevin joked.
"Ahh man, the best pizza you'll ever try. Fatone's secret recipe." Joey laughed.
"Even got delivery service to your house." Lance added as he came out with bottles of soft drinks cradled in his arms. We laughed a little. You know, it is funny. Whatever.
"How come AJ's not here? I want a rematch. I can't believe he beat me last time!" Chris whined.
"Come back with us and you'll get your rematch. We're staying at his house for now." Kevin replied.
"No man, he promised this time around it's gonna be at the Nsync's house." Chris whined. Oh God, do I whine like that? Is that how I sound like when the guys keep telling me to stop whining? That's awful! No, I don't think I sound like that. I'm Nick Carter damn it! I'm too handsome to whine like that. Yes, ego still intact, checked. God Nick, get your head checked.
I don't want to waste anymore time. I'm not here to eat pizza. And let's face it, no matter how hard we try to act like we're the best of friends, we aren't. So there, stop pretending.
"Guys, I'm sorry, but can I see Justin now?" JC looked at me, the smile on his face gone, kinda remind me of AJ last night.
"Don't you wanna eat first Nick?" JC asked.
"I've had my lunch. Thanks." He nodded. I saw him stole glances over to Howie and Kevin. I saw Kevin nodded and JC turned to look at me.
"Okay, let's go, I'll bring you to his room." The smile returning on his face, I followed a few steps behind. I felt the silence behind me, I felt the eyes studying my limp, felt the sympathy echoing at the back of my head. They don't understand, we don't need sympathy.
If I thought AJ's second floor is like a hundredth, Justin's would be like a thousandth. Swirling and big wooden steps, part of me was saying that I'm not gonna make it to the top. It was such a chore. I really should be listening to the doctor's orders.
"You okay Nick?" JC asked, stopping a few steps in front of me. I'm breathless JC, can't you see that?
"I'm...okay...still tired...I guess..." Hmm...very convincing Nick.
"If you're thinking these stairs are too much, you're not alone man. We've always told Justin that he needs an elevator in this house." Was that suppose to be funny or just part of being a celebrity? You know...elevator in the house, kinda celebrity-ish don't you think?
"Yeah, he really need one." I replied. Thankfully, his room was the first one we came into so I don't really have to walk that long stretch of passage, where lays more rooms. Is he planning on having a large family or something?
"You know how he is right?" JC asked me. I nodded. "Okay, if you need anything, or if he..you know, gets too violent, tell me alright? I'll be outside."
Violent?
"Why would he be violent JC?"
"Sometimes he gets temperamental...I'll just wait outside, call me if you need anything." This is scary. I nodded and knocked on the door.
"He won't answer you, just go in, it's not lock." JC said and left to take a seat at the far end of the open area.
The room is dimly lit, just his table lamp was switched on in fact. He was siting at the edge of his bed, staring at the carpet, his back was facing me. He doesn't seem to acknowledge my presence. The whole room was in a mess, a very clear contrast from the entire house. I cleared my throat but he didn't budge.
"Justin?" His head turned at once, eyes bloodshot, staring back at me.
"Nick?"
"Yeah man, how are you?" I moved a few steps closer.
"You're not dead?"
"Tough luck man, you've got to try other ways to stop the Backstreet Boys." I joked. I heard him smirk. Okay, safe enough right? I mean, he's not a psycho, he's Justin. And I'm much taller and bigger than him, I can handle this guy.
"I heard you tried to end it. How come?" I was standing right in front of him. He looked up.
"I...I thought we're getting better...I thought together we could help one another. But seeing you dying in front of me...knowing whatever it is out there is still hunting down, I can't take it anymore. You didn't wake up, when I thought you were in coma, I thought that's it, you're never gonna wake up. I give up." Wow, how long has he bottled up this feeling? He seemed to pour out everything now.
I pulled out his left hand and saw the fading red slit on his wrist. "I thought hanging is much faster." He smiled and pulled his hand away. "I didn't die Justin, in fact, I want to live and find those bastards who did this to us, don't you want to see them caught?"
"What are the chances Nick?"
"Look, does this mean anything to you? the words 'green' 'gold' and 'shiny'?" His eyes went up to meet mine again.
"You're dreaming now aren't you? The nightmares are starting. That's another step to remembering what happen Nick. That's what driving me insane. Every night, I wake up drenched in my own sweat, my heart racing, I feel scared but I don't know of what. Let me just make things faster for you, I have another word to add, 'red'. Does it ring any bells? Coz I sure have no fucking idea what that's suppose to mean!" Fucked! Dreams? Nightmares? Is that what it is?
"I want to find number six, I want to help him like you help me. I want to know what he knows." I said.
He shook his head.
"Whatever he knew didn't help the police much, what makes you think it's gonna help you?"
"I didn't tell the police about those dreams, I bet he didn't either. I bet he's scared, and I want to help him."
"Go home Nick, don't bother about helping people. Help yourself before it's too late. Help yourself from turning out like me." Can I slap him now? Anyone?
I pulled him to his feet and grabbed his shoulders. It's about time someone knock some sense into this meathead.
"Look, no one is ruining your life except for yourself. Look at yourself Justin, you wanna go on like this? You're a loser, you know that? A LOSER! Wake up and do something man!" I shouted at him.
"Fuck you!" He screamed, fighting to get my hands off him, he grabbed my shirt and pushed me with one huge force. I fell on my butt. Nice feeling man, should try it sometime, break a hip bone or something.
"Fuck yourself Justin! Just stop dwelling in your self-pity and wake up! Now, tell me who the hell is number six! You know don't you!" Now it's my turn to scream back at him. Hey, I'm the king. I pulled myself up, damn that hurt like a bitch!
"You wanna know number six? I will give you number six! Fuck, I even got number seven, you wanna know about number seven?"
"Just fucking tell me!" I yelled.
"Okay then, number six is Ashley Parker Angel, that cute boy from O-Town, the one who copied Nsync-"
"Speak for yourself man." I cut him in. Always wanna do that.
"Fuck you." He sneered. I don't fuck myself moron.
"Later, who's number seven?"
"You wanna know number seven? There's no need to know number seven. There's no need for you to take care of number seven Nick, coz number seven is dead! They found him in the bathtub in ice and he's dead! DEAD! That could have been you at the carpark that day, do you understand me? Do you understand me NOW!"
My world felt dizzy. The pain is coming back to me. I wonder why. I mean, the wound, although not healed, had not given me problems so far. Why does it have to chose this time to hurt me again? The boy is dead. DEAD. Why did they kill him? Did he try to run away like I did? Did he saw their faces and threaten to expose them? Is that why they kill him? Why?
"Nick?" I looked up at Justin, his voice is now soft and gentle, he had fears in his eyes. Why does it hurt so much now? Why did I come here in the first place? Expecting MR. PERFECT to help me? When am I ever gonna grow up? This is a mistake.
"I don't feel so good." I mumbled. "Get Kevin." I said. Anytime now, if he don't help me up, I'm gonna slam dunk right here.
"Nick...you're bleeding." He was pointing at the wound. I could see blood already soaking my white shirt. Oh no, not again! What do I do? What do I do?
"Please, help me..." I am lost and I am lone. I have pain to call my own.
"Justin, what's going on?" JC, he's here. He's the only one not blonde in this room. He'll know what to do.
"Get Kevin, quick!" Justin cried. I heard JC rushing out of the room.
I felt a pair of hands caught me halfway before I fell, but it was too late, I've welcome darkness home again.