RICHARD: Ah, you’re here.
LORELAI: And you are by far the most masculine-looking maid my parents have ever had.
RICHARD: It’s chaos here. The second maid called in sick, the first is busy with dinner, and your poor mother is at the hospital. Her DAR group suffered a surfeit of strokes this week.
LORELAI: Come again?
RICHARD: Three of her friends had strokes. And now she is hopping from sick bed to sick bed offering whatever comfort she can.
[they start walking to the living room]
LORELAI: Three DAR strokes. What’s in that water they’re drinking?
RICHARD: Well, a little whiskey, usually. Oh, and you’re forgetting Liesl.
LORELAI: What?
RICHARD: Our East-German maid. She was much more masculine-looking than me.
LORELAI: Right, the muttonchops.

PARIS: Did you check these facts?
RORY: Yes, I did.
PARIS: And the spelling of these names?
RORY: Yes, I did.
PARIS: Rory?
RORY: What, Paris?
PARIS: I slept with Jamie. Last night, after we talked.
RORY: Was it something I said?

RICHARD: You are going to be wonderful, trust me. Now, did anyone ever to tell you to picture the audience in their underwear?
RORY: Yes.
RICHARD: Well, don’t do it. I did it once and I had nightmares for a week. Bulgarians in Speedos.
RORY: Say no more.

PARIS: You know, it’s funny, me standing here before you right now. I’ve thought about nothing else for four years but this school, this big important school with all of its history and tradition and really super teachers. And I dedicated myself to it completely, heart and soul, believing in its power, believing in its ability to get me where I needed to go. Harvard. I thought of nothing else. Many of you out there can attest to that fact. I was on my way and nothing could stop me. And here’s the really funny thing – after four years of slaving away, I go home today and I found this. [holds up an envelope] I’m not going to Harvard. I got the tiny envelope, the one that reads, "Sorry, Paris. We’re not interested. Try again next year. Love, Harvard." And the thing that’s really funny here is, who in the world deserves to go to Harvard more than me? Have you seen how hard I’ve worked over these past four years? I mean, can anyone here b! elieve that I’m not going to Harvard? I can’t. I’m not going to Harvard. I am not going to Harvard. I had sex, but I’m not going to Harvard.
RORY: Okay.
PARIS: And I have to tell you that if you asked me which of those two events I thought would be the least likely to happen, it would not be the not going to Harvard.
RORY: Thank you and good night.
PARIS: I’m being punished. I had sex, so now I don’t get to go to Harvard.
RORY: Paris, come on. [leads Paris off the stage]
PARIS: She’s never had sex. She’ll probably go to Harvard. She’s a shoe in. Pack your chastity belt, Gilmore – you’re going to Harvard!

PARIS: Well, all I’ve gotta say is, after all the trouble this sex thing has caused me, I better have been good.

LORELAI: [to coat-check woman] Um, excuse me, hi. I am not seeing my coat here, and it was very cute and it was on sale, and I will fling myself off a building if I lose it.
WOMAN: We put some of the coat racks in the classroom over there, take a look. Otherwise the staircase to the roof is on your right.
LORELAI: Thank you. Hm. Took two hundred years, but somebody at Chilton finally cracked a joke.

MAX: Okay. So, this is where they keep the coats they’re ashamed of.
LORELAI: Well, this school has taken snobbery to a whole new level.

MAX: I must say, I’ve been a teacher for ten years now, and it wasn’t until today I realized, it must be really hard to be a girl.
LORELAI: And with the invention of Sephora, really expensive, too.
MAX: I’m very sorry.
LORELAI: Oh, don’t be. At least we get to wear skirts without being Scottish or riding a float in the gay pride parade.
MAX: Well, that’ll change someday my friend, and when it does, I still won’t wear a skirt. But I’ll applaud those that do, and then cross the street so nobody sees I’m with them.

LUKE: No solicitors, Kirk.
KIRK: How about if I cut you in for a piece of the action?
LUKE: How about I toss the shirts out the door first so you can have something to land on?

LUKE: Hey, which school best teaches how to make an important life decision without doing a stupid pro/con list? Whichever one it is, add it to the pro column.

LUKE: Well, he didn't even tell me about it. I got a letter addressed to the family of Jess Mariano inviting me down to some little ceremony they're having.
LORELAI: Are you going?
LUKE: Oh, he'd hate it if I was there. You know, seeing him participating in some corporate ceremony like that, being called upstanding and responsible, it would kill him. Yeah, I'm going.
LORELAI: Good boy.
SOOKIE: Well, ever since I got pregnant, I've become very nurturing toward all living things. Jackson, too.
LORELAI: Well, both your bodies are changing.
SOOKIE: Yesterday.. .ugh, it was awful. Jackson moved a table and just kind of nicked this spider. He didn't see the little thing, and just clipped one of its legs. And it was having trouble walking and we were so upset, but Jackson made a new leg for it out of a paper clip, but jamming the clip into the spider killed it instantly. Little Satchmo.
LORELAI: You named the spider Satchmo?
SOOKIE: After Jackson's uncle.

LORELAI: Oh, is this everyone from the Edgar Allen Poe Society?
MICHEL: If you mean the I-should-be-sterilized-so-that-my-disturbing-idiosyncrasies-aren't-passed-onto-the-next-generation society, then yes, that's them.

JESS: What are you doing here?
LUKE: [pinches Jess' cheek] I'm so proud of my boy.
JESS: Stop it.
LUKE: Do you have a tissue because I think I'm gonna be emotional.
JESS: I mean it, stop, now. It came with cash, it's the only reason I'm here.
LUKE: Don't forget the plaque. You should hang that over your bed, shine a little spotlight over it.
JESS: I gotta get back to work.
LUKE: Yeah, the forklift's going ‘where's the extension of me?'

LORELAI: Oh, mime. That reminds me – Yale, best drama school bar none. Put that in the pro column.
RORY: I'm not taking drama.
LORELAI: No, but it means you'll have the best on-campus productions. You'll get to see the next Meryl Streep all goofy and eighteen and doing crap like, "Hey, name an occupation!" "Plumber!" "Name a farm tool now!" "Tractor!" "Hey, I'm a tractor doing. . .plumbing."

LORELAI: Um, help the guests with the kids, make sure they're not freaked out. Gather them up and entertain them for awhile so the adults can catch their breath.
RORY: Right. I have never entertained kids – how do I do that?
LORELAI: Uh, take your socks off and do a puppet show.
RORY: You've clearly never entertained kids either.

SOOKIE: Got any plates that aren't cracked?
LUKE: You're the one that's cracked.
SOOKIE: Nice thing to say to a pregnant woman.
LUKE: You're pregnant?
LORELAI: Could you be any farther behind?

[Rory is entertaining some kids by using her socks to give a puppet show. Lorelai walks over]
RORY: "Where are you going? I told you to take out the garbage!" "Nag, nag, nag. I wanna watch football and sit in my reclining chair." "Get back here or I'm gonna get you. . ." [sees Lorelai] Oh, hey, guys, hold on a second.
BOY: No, keep going.
RORY: Oh, calm down there, little scooter. I'll be right back.
[Rory walks over to Lorelai]
LORELAI: Hey Shari Lewis, how's the show going?
RORY: Oh, they're riveted.

LORELAI: Okay. [to kids] Hey, guys, go on over to the diner and have breakfast with your families, and then ask the nice man in the baseball hat and the flannel shirt to do sock puppets for you. And if he says no, just ask him louder – it's part of the game!
BOY: Oh boy!
LORELAI: Go!
LORELAI: You all set up here?
MICHEL: Computer with Internet, phones forwarded here, printer on the way.
MISS PATTY: I'm the receptionist.
BABETTE: And I'm learning the computer.
MICHEL: And I'm looking for my cyanide capsule – have you seen it?

BABETTE: Hey Michel, I just hit F4 and the num lock key and the one with the little apple on it and it's freaking out like it's on acid or something.

RORY: Have you guys heard from Paris?
MADELINE: Heard what?
RORY: Anything?
LOUISE: She's not here?
RORY: She's been gone for five days.
LOUISE: Huh.
MADELINE: Didn't notice.
LOUISE: Although, it did seem like there was a lot more air in here.
RORY: Luke is going to be very sorry he ever made this offer to you.
LORELAI: Hey, Luke has given me five free hours of handyman work for my birthday for the last five years.
RORY: And you have grossly exploited that gift every year for the past four years.
LORELAI: Well, I need to make up for that first year where I didn’t milk it like I should’ve.
RORY: The spirit of giving is completely lost on you.
LORELAI: But the spirit of getting is alive and well and it wants its chimney swept. Ooh, put down laundry, too.
RORY: Fine, then can he also build me another bookshelf?
LORELAI: I’ve never been prouder of you than I am right at this moment.

KAREN: Lorelai Gilmore?
LORELAI: You got her.
KAREN: I’m calling from Richard Gilmore’s office.
LORELAI: Never heard of him.
KAREN: Richard Gilmore, your father.
LORELAI: Oh, tall, bow tie?
KAREN: Yes.
LORELAI: Yes, I’m with you now, go ahead.

RORY: Hey, can you stash this at your house ‘til the party? It’s just favors and stuff.
[hands Lane some shopping bags]
LANE: Ironic, isn’t it? You having to hide things at my house for a change.
RORY: Life has come full circle.

TAYLOR: I’d like the wording to be a little harsher.
NICOLE: Taylor, it already says that if Aunt Tilly’s Taffy delivers even two hours late, they forfeit all payment for that particular shipment and are liable for any loss of income that may result from that late delivery. It’s pretty extreme.
TAYLOR: Well, it may seem extreme, but these candy people are shifty characters.
NICOLE: Why don’t we leave the wording like it is for now and see how things go? We can always get tougher later if necessary.
LUKE: Yeah, you can send over a couple of Oompa Loompas to kick the crap out of Aunt Tilly.

PARIS: [to boy] I will not let you look at my nose for ten dollars, you sick job. Beat it, now! Come back when you have a twenty. [to Rory] What? Just making lemonade here.

LUKE: Your slave is here.
LORELAI: And where’s the French maid outfit I requested?
LUKE: I’ve got it on under the plaid.

LUKE: What’d you just do?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: You put the cookie down.
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: You ate the cookie, and then you took a cookie out of the box and put it where the cookie you just ate was.
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: Well, that’s nuts.
LORELAI: Rory made this for me, I don’t wanna ruin it.
LUKE: Then why’d you eat the cookie?
LORELAI: ‘Cause I wanted a Mallomar.
LUKE: But why didn’t you just eat one out of the box?
LORELAI: ‘Cause this one was right here. The box was all the way in the cupboard.
LUKE: But you had to go to the cupboard to get the box to replace the cookie you ate off the table.
LORELAI: So?

RORY: It's a Friday night. We should be out, I don't know, partying with the homies.
LORELAI: Our Stars Hollow homies are all in bed by now.

RICHARD: Oh, it is. Oh, now, your grandmother would come and say hello, but she's in the next room dancing with Lloyd Sandstone. Watch where you put those hands, Lloyd.
RORY: A guy named Lloyd is feeling up Grandma.

LORELAI: Something from Chilton? You've been dipping girls' hair in the inkwells again?
RORY: Read it and see.
LORELAI: [reads letter] "Dear Ms. Gilmore, with your daughter's final days of Chilton fast approaching, yours are, too." Hm, not feeling the love here. Yadda, yadda, yadda. "The Booster Club could use your help. We would greatly appreciate - " Greatly's underlined three times. Trying to emphasize the word there. Got it, guys. Thanks. " - your involvement, especially in light of your previous paucity of participation." Ooh, they got me with alliteration and an obscure word.
RORY: The bastards.
LORELAI: I've been summoned to duty.
RORY: Sounds like it.
LORELAI: I feel like I should pack my rucksack, kiss my loved ones goodbye. RORY: So, don't do it, then.
LORELAI: Yeah, you're as good as outta there. Yale's grabbed you. It's too late. We don't need anything from Chilton.
RORY: Except my graduation tickets.
LORELAI: We already got 'em.
RORY: But we need extras. I just put in the request, and it's up to them now.
LORELAI: So we do need one kind of big thing.
RORY: And then there's my diploma.
LORELAI: You'll get your diploma at graduation.
RORY: No, I get my diploma holder at graduation.
LORELAI: Do you think they would withhold your diploma based on my participation paucity?


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