LUKE: He’s systematically buying up the town. He’s gonna turn it into Taylorville where everyone’ll wear cardigans and have the same grass height.
LORELAI: Luke, do you wanna sit down?
LUKE: And then he told me he’s gonna buy the building next to the diner, turn it into a plate shop for freaks who don’t have enough brain power to collect stamps. I lost it.
LORELAI: Uh, I can’t picture that.
LUKE: I walked around in a blind rage. I was crazy. I bought one of those Belgian waffles with the ice cream dipped in chocolate.
LORELAI: You ate that?
LUKE: No, I didn’t eat it!
LORELAI: Of course not.
LUKE: I’m upset, not suicidal.

EMILY: Oh, well, thank you. That’s a pretty color. What is that?
LORELAI: It’s called Vicious Trollop.
EMILY: Oh, stop it! Now why would you name a lipstick something like that?
LORELAI: ‘Cause ‘dirty whore’ was taken?
EMILY: You frighten me.

JESS: God, you’re no fun when you’re tense. Are you sure you want me to go? ‘Cause maybe this whole thing can be solved between me and Dean if we just sat down and had a little heart to heart. He can tell me his issues, I’ll tell him mine.
RORY: Jess!
JESS: I promise I’ll speak slowly.

PARIS: We’re friends?
Rory: I’m not sure if there is an exact definition for what we are, but I do think it falls somewhere in the bizarro friends-ish realm. Come on, stay.
PARIS: Okay. But if you’re doing all this so you can freeze my bra, I’ll kill you.
Rory: Duly noted.

EMILY: And I certainly don’t eat at bars. Hookers eat at bars.
LORELAI: Only if they can’t get a table.

EMILY: You want me to steal a robe? That’s how we’re going to bond?
LORELAI: Mom, you love this robe. You’ve talked about nothing else except this robe since we got here, so this robe will be symbolic of our trip together.
EMILY: But that’s crazy. As soon as they check the rooms, they’re going to know the robes are gone and then they’re going to charge our credit card.
LORELAI: Well, how do you know?
EMILY: Because that’s what the little tag on the hanger says.
LORELAI: Well, the little tag on the hanger could be right, or the little tag on the hanger could just be there trying to scare us away from trying. Either way, whether we get away with it or not, it’s something we did, you and I.
EMILY: You’re serious.
LORELAI: I am folding this robe up.
EMILY: Lorelai.
LORELAI: I am putting this robe in my bag.
EMILY: That’s lunacy.
LORELAI: I am zipping up the bag that contains the robe.
EMILY: I have a perfectly good robe at home.
LORELAI: Now the only question is, am I doing it alone?
EMILY: Did you ever steal a robe with Rory?
LORELAI: No, Rory would never steal. She’s far too moral for that.

MICHEL: That fellow’s on the phone from the restaurant.
LORELAI: Who?
MICHEL: The flannel man with the protruding ankles.
LORELAI: Oh, Luke?

LORELAI: I don’t know. He’s so unflappable. It’s hard to tell.
Rory: The man definitely can’t be flapped.

KIRK: But, but ­ mine's a quarter caf.
LORELAI: Huh?
KIRK: Three-fourths decaf, one-fourth caffeinated.
LORELAI: I four-fourths don't care.

LUKE: Not everybody likes it that strong.
LORELAI: Well, then I shall convert them. I am the Jehovah's coffee girl.

Rory: Jess, open up! I know you're in there.
JESS: My, aren't we bright eyed and bushy tailed.
MICHEL: Nine rooms for Luke from Luke’s Diner?
LORELAI: That’s right.
MICHEL: French fry convention?

Rory: Hey Luke, where’s Jess?
LUKE: I don’t know, he’s probably out playing basketball or something.
Rory: That little punk.

TAYLOR: Late again, are we?
LORELAI: Yes, I hope I’m not pregnant!
LORELAI: I don’t know, hon. In the short amount of time he’s been here, he’s managed to make a lot of enemies.
Rory: I’m sorry, when did I move to Salem?

Rory: Where do you wanna sit?
LORELAI: I don’t know. Um, how ‘bout this table with it’s unobstructed westward view of the wide cosmopolitan expansive Klump Street?
Rory: Tempting. Do you know that on a clear day you can see all the way to the garbage cans behind Al’s Pancake World?
LORELAI: Hmm. Or we could sit in the corner - you know, the Mafia table so that no one can come up behind you and whack you with a cannoli.
Rory: Whack you with a cannoli? Oh, because he left the gun and took the cannoli.
LORELAI: You’re so my daughter.
LORELAI: This whole morning has been a little Twilight Zone-y.
LUKE: Or Outer Limits-y.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Great show, just as eerie, same era, but no one ever references it.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't speak geek.

LANE: Are you kidding? It’s the mother of all groundings. My mom’s done everything but slap a Dr. Dre ankle bracelet on me. I’m not even going to school.
Rory: Isn’t it illegal to keep a kid out of school?
LANE: Well, she talked all my teachers into allowing me to be home-schooled for two weeks. I believe the words ‘highly contagious’ were batted about. I only get five minutes a day of outside phone time but unlimited time to call the Psalm a Day line. A big ripoff, by the way, because psalm 79 has been on there for three straight days. That’s not in keeping with what their name clearly implies, which is a new psalm per day, every day. Not the same tired one from the previous two days.
Rory: I’ve never heard anyone get so riled up about psalms before.
LANE: My world has become very small. Okay, I’m dying for news. Give me some headlines.
Rory: Oh, well, I’ve got a debate coming up. And, um, Dean’s been working extra hours lately saving up for a new motorcycle, so I hardly see him. Mom and I haven’t done laundry in three weeks, but I have taken to jumping into the gigantic pile of dirty clothes while we play our Reader’s Digest World’s Famous Polka CD that we got used for ninety-nine cents. Sorry if that’s all boring.
LANE: Are you kidding? It’s the most stimulation I’ve got in a week.

Rory: Not Two Fat Ladies again.
LORELAI: Why not? They’re brilliant.
Rory: Because it’s a cooking show and you don’t cook.
LORELAI: That might change.
Rory: Not a chance.
LORELAI: Probably not.
Rory: Plus, we’ve seen all of them like five times. They’re all repeats.
LORELAI: Yeah, sadly because one of the fat ladies met her maker.
Rory: Really? Which one?
LORELAI: The fat one.

PARIS: The debate's Friday and we need more preparation.
Rory: More preparation? Paris -- no two people know more about assisted suicide than the two of us. Kevorkian called today for a couple of tips.

CHRISTOPHER: Good, good. I’m on a little business trip here and I thought I’d call and check in on Rory.
LORELAI: Oh, she went to some biker party a few days ago and never came back.
CHRISTOPHER: Again?
LORELAI: Yeah, we gotta start disciplining that girl.

LANE: What? Rory, do you wanna hear how I used up my five minutes of phone time today? Talking to Amazon.com trying to get them to overnight it to me in a plain package with a return address referencing something Korean and religious.
RORY: They wouldn’t do it, huh?
LANE: I think they notified the government.

LORELAI: I thought we were gonna meet by the vending machines for a little, uh, pre-debate nondairy snack.
Rory: Yeah, sorry, Paris wanted to do a sound check and she found some problems with the acoustics in the room.
PARIS: It’s the layout on this row of seats that’s causing a bass problem. We’ve got to move this whole row over a foot. Esta! Just move these people out. Mueva esta gente, mueva, mueva!
Rory: Better find a seat before she moves them all.

LORELAI: So do you see Christopher anywhere?
SOOKIE: Uh, well, no, no, no. Hey, what does he look like?
LORELAI: If you don’t know, why are you looking?
SOOKIE: I’m looking for a guy that looks like a guy that you could be with, only I’m deducting seventeen years off his age and I’m adding an all-boys private school uniform and a Yankees cap.
LORELAI: And does your head hurt?
SOOKIE: Yeah.

MRS. O’MALLEY: Each team will have three minutes for their openings, three minutes for rebuttals, and two minutes for their conclusions. They will be judged on the basis of content, strategy, and style. I will be the judge, along with Mrs. Gladstone.
PARIS: Mrs. O’Malley is impregnable but yesterday I complemented Mrs. Gladstone’s dumpy outfit and bought her an ice cream sandwich and she practically licked my hand in gratitude.

MRS. O’MALLEY: Uh, it’s heads. Chilton will pick pro or con.
PARIS: Pro assisted suicide.
BRAD: What a shock.

LORELAI: I see them. What do you think?
SOOKIE: She's got good hair.
LORELAI: Yeah.
SOOKIE: Plus she's been sitting for an hour and her dress is perfect. Not a wrinkle? How does she do that?
LORELAI: She must be a witch.
SOOKIE: And she's doing that no-hose thing.
LORELAI: Yeah. She's a chic, good hair, wrinkle-free, no-hose-wearing witch.

CHRISTOPHER: You guys need some more time to clean up?
LORELAI: He knows us too well.
Rory: Come on in. How’d you know we were cleaning?
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, well, when you cut us off in the parking lot and sped off doing sixty, I figured you were trying to beat us home for a reason.

CHRISTOPHER: Uh, that Paris was a little intense.
LORELAI: Ha, a little? The opposing team could bring her up on war crimes.
Rory: Yeah, her approach will come in handy when she becomes a CEO or a dictator of a country or something.

LORELAI: So, uh, do you want flat water or sparkling? I hope it’s flat because I don’t have sparkling. Or flat. Or ice cubes. I have cups, I think.

CHRISTOPHER: Oh, that’s okay. I’ll have one of my patented White Castle bachelor dinners.
LORELAI: Or you can come with me tonight. Uh, if you want.
CHRISTOPHER: To your parents?
LORELAI: Yeah, ‘cause with Rory not there I might need a hostage.
SHERRY: Oh, yes, do it.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay, it’s good grub. You sure they won’t be mad?
LORELAI: Hi, they like you.

LORELAI: Honey, hurry, they said six.
Rory: Yeah but it’s six Dad time so it’s more like six-thirty.
LORELAI: But Dad time is now linked to Sherry time and that Sherry seems awfully punctual.
Rory: That is so annoying.

LANE: Humongous snag in the CD drop plan.
Rory: What happened?
LANE: Bible class has been moved an hour later, all to accommodate the reverend’s handball schedule.
Rory: The reverend plays handball?
LANE: I’m just as appalled.
LORELAI: Okay, well, if you wanna grab a drink after the movie, Rory’s got the list of places that serve minors.
Christopher: Nah, I got a flask in my purse.
LORELAI: Ooh.

CHRISTOPHER: So what do you think of her?
LORELAI: Oh, I don’t know her well enough to judge.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, that’s never stopped you from judging people before.

EMILY: Well, this is a surprise. Where’s Rory?
LORELAI: Uh, a last minute unexpected thing came up, but I brought a good substitute – half her genes in a nice nifty Christopher package.

LUKE: You know, if you want I can clear the counter and you can play some bagel hockey.
LORELAI: You can’t play bagel hockey by yourself.
LUKE: I’ll play with you. You’ll have to explain the rules.

Rory: She’s a very cautious driver. She doesn’t roll through stop signs, doesn’t speed, she always signals before she turns.
LORELAI: Hm. Commendable, but not the person I want driving our getaway car.
Rory: What are we robbing?
LORELAI: Sephora. We had it all planned out.
Rory: Slipped my mind.

Rory: Yeah. Oh, and later I pictured you marrying Matthew Broderick, and we lived in New York in this great apartment in the village and we would talk about his Ferris Bueller days.
LORELAI: Just think how easy Producers tickets would be to get.
Rory: Oh, it would be fourth row center every night.
LORELAI: I’m sorry that Matthew and I couldn’t work it out, honey.
Rory: I’ll try to get over it.

LORELAI: Hm. Maybe our rain gutters are radioactive or made out of some kind of alien metal so that when I cut my hand I got infected with an extraterrestrial substance which is altering my internal makeup. Ugh, maybe I’ll turn into a superhero.
Rory: Maybe.
LORELAI: Like, maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and suddenly be able to shower really fast.
Rory: We’ll go pick out your cape after breakfast.

LUKE: Ow!
LORELAI: Luke, are you okay?
LUKE: Stupid box! Stupid lamp!
LORELAI: Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions again?

LUKE: I’m looking for my supply ledger.
LORELAI: Is it going well?
LUKE: It’s going fine.
LORELAI: You have a sock on your shoulder. Is it helping you look?

LUKE: I know it’s crazy now, but I just have to get it all organized, figure out where to put everything, buy another dresser, a portable wardrobe, some storage bins.
LORELAI: Can of gasoline, box of matches.

LORELAI: No! See, I had a near death experience today.
LUKE: Really?
LORELAI: Yes. I almost fell off the roof of my house trying to clean the rain gutters, so I have to have pancakes. Please? I’ll help you shower when I become a superhero.

LUKE: You’ve been in there for two hours.
JESS: Yeah, well my hair just ain’t bouncin’ and behavin’ today.
LUKE: There are other people living here too, you know.
JESS: Huh, learn something new everyday.
LORELAI: Well, his people skills are really improving.

LUKE: Hey, what are you doing?
LORELAI: Oh, uh, Rory and I just hit the video store. Now we’re on our way home to eat a large amount of something you would not approve of.

LORELAI: Ah. Wow, that’s cute. Is this the first time it’s been away from its mother?
LUKE: It’s a very good TV.
LORELAI: Hm, black and white, coat hanger antenna, really bad reception.
LUKE: It’s fine.
LORELAI: Don’t you have a fully grown TV upstairs?

LUKE: I like my apartment.
LORELAI: It’s not just your apartment. Jess lives there also.
LUKE: Jess is fine.
LORELAI: Are you sure? Because he could be pinned down under a box for a year in that place and you wouldn’t know it until the neighbors started to complain about the smell

Rory: The clock is grunting.
LORELAI: This, my friend, is a state of the art CD/clock radio that enables you to wake up to the barnyard animal of your choice.
Rory: That is great.
LORELAI: I have selected the perky piggies. You might choose the cheery chickens or the goofy goats.
Rory: That is closest to a farm that I ever wanna get.
LORELAI: Amen, sister friend.

Rory: We just got a new alarm clock.
JESS: Huh. Bet I know what the lead story in the Stars Hollow Gazette’s gonna be tomorrow.

LORELAI: Oh, yeah, come on in. Sorry, it’s just. . .so excited about the ducks that, uh. . .do you want something to drink? You have good timing ‘cause we shopped yesterday, and in addition to a case of Maybelline Fresh Lash Mascara, I also bought some of that new, uh, freaky Coke with the lemon in it. It’s very addictive.

Rory: Well, because I got this weird rash on my wrist.
DEAN: From the bracelet?
Rory: Oh no, just a fluke thing. Actually, I think my Spanish midterm gave it to me.
LORELAI: So, um, basically everything here is chicken. You’ve got garlic chicken, Kung Pao chicken, Szechuan Chicken, chicken in brown sauce, which looks and tastes remarkably like the Szechuan Chicken except it’s got these red peppers in it and if you eat them, you die. Plate?

JESS: So when was the last time you had those gutters cleaned?
LORELAI: It’s been awhile.
JESS: Yeah, I found an ‘I like Ike’ bumper sticker up there.

JESS: So you guys aren’t too hot on vegetables, huh?
LORELAI: What are you talking about? There’s green pepper in the Kung Pao.
JESS: My mistake.
LORELAI: Not a jersey guy?
JESS: No, definitely not a jersey guy. Though the thought of throwing a ball at some jock’s head isn’t entirely unappealing.

LORELAI: All right, I’ll check the car. And don’t worry – if worse comes to worse and we can’t find it, we’ll follow Dean to work, hide behind the cantaloupes, jump him, blind him and he’ll never find out.
RORY: As long as we have a plan.

LUKE: I don’t want a wood-burning fireplace.
LORELAI: Luke?
LUKE: But if I take an apartment with a wood-burning fireplace, even though I could give a rat’s ass about a wood-burning fireplace, I have to pay an extra two hundred dollars a month for the wood-burning fireplace.
LORELAI: Yeah, but - .
LUKE: And three of the places make you put down a five hundred dollar deposit if you have a dog. Can you believe this?
LORELAI: You don’t have a dog.
LUKE: I know, but it’s wrong.

LORELAI: Never, ever date a guy who owns a single bed. It means he's not open to a commitment.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: It says there's no room in this life for anybody but me.
LUKE: No, it says there's no room in this bed for anyone but me.
LORELAI: Okay, see, that's not a whole lot better.
LORELAI: What, did you break into our house, you got all dressed in black and pulled a Mission: Impossible?
JESS: Actually, I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa Claus.
LORELAI: Very funny.
JESS: Thought a ridiculous accusation deserved a ridiculous response.


more

[1--- 2--- 3--- 4--- 5--- 6--- 7--- 8--- 9--- 10]
[11--- 12--- 13--- 14--- 15--- 16--- 17--- 18--- 19--- 20]
quote queen