The Puff's pledge:
I pledge myself to the Puffs
Loyal I'll always be
A P to start
Two F's at the end
And a U resting in between

Lorelai: Mmm, I’m terrible at coming up with names. When we first bought out house, Rory and I wanted to name it, you know, like Jefferson named his place Monticello, but all we could come up with is The Crap Shack.

Emily: So, Lorelai, how are things at that charming little in of your.
Lorelai: Mm...they're still little and charming. We're just crossing out fingers it doesn't assert itself and become rude and large.

SOOKIE: Ah, I am so sorry! I swear I meant to be on time, but I was prepping the raspberry glaze for tonight’s dessert special, and it struck me. I made a blueberry glaze for the soufflé I made last Tuesday, and this is Tuesday, and a lot of locals come every week on the same night every week, and I just didn’t want to serve them some...like a similar dessert even though it’s a completely different berry. . .
Lorelai: I need another rumball.
SOOKIE: Ah, I’m sorry.
Lorelai: No, you’re a perfectionist, and that attention to detail is why people call you the Maestro.
SOOKIE: Really? Who calls me that?
Lorelai: The people who eat the rumballs.

DEAN: I don’t know. I got here and this is what I found. I mean, I told him it looked fake, but he didn’t believe me.
Rory: And you have such an honest face.
DEAN: Well, he must not love me as much as you do.
LANE: Okay, you two are officially sickening.

Rory: Mom, you’re not writing what you purchased on the back of any of the inn’s credit cards receipts.
Lorelai: Oh, well, just put cooking spray and sponges.
Rory: Okay. And when an auditor wants to know why you need such large amounts of cooking spray and sponges?
Lorelai: Then I drop my pencil and I put the scoop neck sweater that I’m now making a mental note to wear to good use.
Rory: Well at least you’ve got a solid well thought out plan.

LUKE: How 'bout some tea?
Lorelai: Absolutely, throw it in with the coffee.

Lorelai: Okay, just remember these are PSATs, okay, so it's like the Baby Gap, they don't count as much. Plus, you can take them over again. Plus, you are very young and have years of learning ahead of you and the really important thing is that you tried very hard.
Rory: I got a 740 verbal and a 760 math.
Lorelai: Ugh, thank God you're not an idiot.

Lorelai: Those are damn good scores little lady, really. Amazing, top notch. Those are PSAT-rific. Sorry, it was just lying there; I had to go for it.

Rory: So do you think the porch is falling apart or do you just weigh a ton?
Lorelai: The porch is fine. It just has a little extra ventilation in it now, that's all.
Rory: The wood is old and rotting.
Lorelai: The wood is not old and rotting, it is strong and sprightly and will be with us for a long, long time to come.
Rory: So you do weigh a ton?

PARIS: Louise, what did you get?
LOUISE: Highlights, just around my face.
PARIS: You will take them again and do better.
LOUISE: I will take them again and get my nose done.

PARIS: How happy?
Rory: Pretty happy.
PARIS: Yes, but how do I know that you're not one of those people who gets pretty happy looking at a sunset? How do I know what your barometer for being pretty happy is?
Rory: You don't.
PARIS: Right. So, are you?
Rory:Am I what?
PARIS: Are you one of those people who gets pretty happy looking at a sunset?
Rory:I don't get unhappy looking at a sunset.

PARIS: You're not torturing me, you know. I don't care. My scores were great. I'm very, very happy with my scores. And I hate looking at a sunset so my standard for happiness is high!

Emily: I mean, to have a place where she can socialize, that's very important to a young girl.
Lorelai: Well, now especialy since the crack den is closed down the corner all her really good friends are gone.

Lorelai: According to the jolly bankers, I'm worth nothing.
SOOKIE: There still has to be something you can do.
Lorelai: I was thinking about opening a Coyote Ugly lemonade stand.

Rory:What's interesting?
Lorelai: Mm, nothing, nothing. Just that your mom is apparently one of the biggest losers in Stars Hollow.
Rory: Okay, continue.

Lorelai: Jackson's wearing picture pajamas?
SOOKIE: Yes he is.
Lorelai: Does he do this often?
SOOKIE: Almost every night.
Rory:What are the pictures of?
SOOKIE: Him.
Lorelai: Oh!
SOOKIE: During high school.
Lorelai: Ahh!
SOOKIE: In his wrestling uniform
Lorelai: I'm not eager, am I eager?
Rory: Put your paws down.

Lorelai: See, we have to stop talking to people. We have to stay at home with the curtains drawn collecting stacks of old newspapers, muttering to each other, eating nothing but Cup of Soup and Slim Jims.
MADELINE: Oh, Paris isn't here. I don't know where she is. She's probably at her house, or maybe at the library, or maybe she's buying pencils because she goes through them so fast 'cause she pushes down on them really hard and then they break and ...
Lorelai: God. You know, I think if we put Paris and my mother in a room together, the world would implode.
RORY: I'll keep that in mind for the next science fair.

Rory: The clock is grunting.
Lorelai: This, my friend, is a state of the art CD/clock radio that enables you to wake up to the barnyard animal of your choice.
Rory: That is great.
Lorelai: I have selected the perky piggies. You might choose the cheery chickens or the goofy goats.
Rory: That is closest to a farm that I ever wanna get.
Lorelai: Amen, sister friend.

Rory: One sec. You know Mom, I hate to bring this up, but I think there's a really obvious solution to our problem.
Lorelai: I know hon.
Rory: You do?
Lorelai: Yes. And frankly, I think if I sold you into white slavery, I would miss you.

Rory: Oh, Grandma didn't make them this year.
Lorelai: Really?
Rory: Yup.
Lorelai: That's weird.
Rory: I know.
Lorelai: hmm, are you lying?
Rory: Through my teeth
Lorelai: Good girl.

Lorelai: Mom, did you explain to him that part of the quitting process means you don't go back to the job you quit?
EMILY: He did not quit, he resigned.
Lorelai: Hmm, same rules apply.

Rory: Yeah, it's for school. Each of us have to follow a chick through its entire growth process. Everything has to be logged. Eating habits, sleeping habits.
Lorelai: Houdini habits.
Rory: She got out.
Lorelai: She ran far.
Rory: But she lived.
Lorelai: She's a better bird for it.

EMILY: What are you taking?
Lorelai: Roofies.
Rory: Aspirin.

Rory: No, there was a meaning behind that huh. That was a loaded huh. That was not a normal huh. You meant to say something with that huh, and now you're taking it back.
DEAN: Okay, now...
Rory: Don't use that kind of huh if you're not prepared to defend it. Why aren't you saying anything?
DEAN: Because words are a very dangerous thing right now.

Lorelai: Hi Mr. Regalsky, it's Lorelai Gilmore. Again, yes, just like the pink bunny with the drum. Uh, anyway, I was wondering if, um, you have had a chance to reconsider my loan ...Uh, no, I think it's Energizer...I know you said no, but um, you know sometimes people say no and then they wake up one morning a couple of days later and think, 'Hey, maybe I shouldn't have turned down that nice single mom with the good job and the great credentials and the references up the wazoo...I do like the word wazoo...I understand...Okay, well, I'll give you a call in a couple of days then ... Thank you. [hangs up]
MICHEL: Perhaps you are taking the wrong approach.
LORELAI: Meaning?
MICHEL: Well, you've tried to convince them of your virtue, perhaps it's time to offer them a lap dance.

Rory: I couldn't possibly stretch them out! Your boobs are way bigger than mine.
Lorelai:That is not true
Rory: Yes it is.
Lorelai: Your boobs are totally bigger than mine.
Rory: You're crazy!
Lorelai: Do you want to measure?
Rory: What?
Lorelai: I'm serious, Why don't you go get the measuring tape right now?
Rory: I am not going to measure my boobs.
Lorelai: Because you know that you are totally bigger.

LUKE: It's dark. Hand me the flashlight.
Lorelai: Why don't you have one of those hats with the lights on them?
LUKE: I flip burgers for a living.

Lorelai: Well how was it? Was there like a termite housing development under there? Golf courses and condos with rec rooms?
LUKE: It's actually not too bad.
Lorelai: Well what do you know? You flip burgers for a living.

Lorelai: So, let me get this straight. Uh, you and some guys who actually know what they're doing are gonna come over and fix my house, and I can pay them back whenever I want?
LUKE: That's right.
Lorelai: 'Cause I'm Tony Soprano?
LUKE: Only scarier.

Lorelai: Luke, that's a loan.
LUKE: No, it's just a temporary exchange of money for services that will be paid back when you finally have the...it's a loan.

Lorelai: You are not seriously sitting there.
EMILY: No, it's a hologram. Lifelike, isn't it?
Lorelai: This is a business meeting. I'm not going in there with my Mommy, especially since I left my blankie at home.

Lorelai: Well, you helped me pay for Chilton, I gave you Friday night dinners, so what's this, Sunday night tea?
EMILY: Lorelai, I did this for your own good.
Lorelai: Wednesday night bridge club?
EMILY: Lorelai.
Lorelai: Monday night football?

EMILY: So Lorelai, how are you?
Lorelai: Um, I’m fine Mom.
EMILY: Rory?
Rory: I’m fine too, Grandma.
Lorelai: How are you Mom?
EMILY: Also fine.
Lorelai: Oh, look at that. All three of us fine, just like the Judds.

EMILY: What about the man at the diner, the one who refuses to shave?
Lorelai: Luke, he’s just a friend Mom.

Lorelai: Oh, oh. Well, uh. . .ugh, why don’t we move Aunt Cecile? She was always so annoying at parties. She loved the knock-knock jokes.
Rory: Mom!
Lorelai: What?
Rory: You can’t just kick out Aunt Cecile.
Lorelai: Knock-knock. Who’s there? Pineapple. Pineapple who? That’s where it ended. Never fully grasped the knock-knock concept.
EMILY: She was a complete idiot. Okay, it’s decided – Cecile goes.

Lorelai: Ooh, I have an idea. I’ll probably go first, right? So when Rory kicks, just throw her in with me.
Rory: I’d like my own space if you don’t mind.
Lorelai: Why? It’d totally be fun to be there together. Plus I plan to be buried with all the good CD’s and my rock star belt.

RICHARD: Sorry I’m late. What did I miss?
EMILY: We were just discussing who to move to the annex.
RICHARD: Oh. I vote for Cecile. Horrible woman, and those terrible jokes.

EMILY: Yes, but from there I get my hair done, and you certainly don’t want to sit around while I have my hair done.
RICHARD: No, I don’t.
EMILY: There you go.
RICHARD: Well, you can cancel that.
EMILY: I can’t cancel that. I get my hair done every Wednesday at three.
RICHARD: Well, your hair looks fine.
EMILY: My hair looks fine because I have my hair done every Wednesday at three.

Lorelai: Oh my God, the most horrible thing just happened. Headmaster Charleston’s office called, he’s been kidnapped! Two guys broke into his house and threw him in a hefty bag, used those twisty ties and carted him off. Classes have been canceled until further notice.
Rory: I am going to school Mom.
Lorelai: Rory, come on, it’s just one day. I’ll write you a note. ‘Dear Nazis, Rory had to miss school today on account of saving her mom from spending the entire day with her father who often looks at her like she has three heads.’

Lorelai: Do you know the last time my father and I were alone together for any extended period of time?
Rory: Unh uh.
Lorelai: I was kicked out of summer class for refusing to call the camp counselor Peaches because I thought the entire concept of the counselors choosing summer fruit names was stupid. So they called my dad and he came to get me and it was just the two of us alone in the car all the way from Maine with nothing to talk about but my camp failure. Luckily I had also flashed the swim team or even that subject would’ve gotten stale.

Lorelai: Well, uh, can I offer you anything else? Some Pop Tarts or. . .well, that’s pretty much it.

Lorelai: Oh no, school comes before Mommy’s mental health.

PARIS: I think I got rabies.
Rory: It’s just a bus, Paris.
PARIS: It smelled.
Rory: It smelled like a bus.
PARIS: I’m gonna have to burn my clothes when I get home.
Rory: You know Paris, you have a car. We could’ve driven.
PARIS: We have to get the feel of the small town world. You’re not going to get the feel of a small town world in a BMW. Is there something crawling in my hair?

PARIS: I don’t know, where’s the bad part of town?
Rory: Uhh, over there.
PARIS: What?
Rory: Uh, people - they’re very upset with the color of that fence.

PARIS: So, you run the diner, huh?
Rory: Oh boy.
PARIS: You get a lot of truckers through here?
LUKE: Truckers?
PARIS: Yeah. You know, guys on the road for weeks, lonely, looking for company, a little pick me up. Things like that.
LUKE: What’s she talking about?
Rory: Your guess is as good as mine.
PARIS: It’s pretty common knowledge that diners are breeding grounds for prostitution and drug dealers.
LUKE: What?
PARIS: Have you ever seen anything like that going down here?
LUKE: Have I ever. . .
PARIS: What about that guy over there? What’s his story?
LUKE: Reverend Nichols?
PARIS: Reverend Nichols, huh? What is that, like Dr. Feelgood?
LUKE: Rory, how much do you like this person?
Rory: Do what you gotta do, Luke.

PARIS: Hey, where’d he come from? What’s up there? Is that where you keep the girls? You got yourself a little cathouse up there?
JESS: Wow, I think she got you Uncle Luke. You better give up now.
LUKE: Do not add to this insanity.
JESS: An innocent boy like me should not be raised in an atmosphere like this. LUKE: Jess!
JESS: I wanna be good, life’s just not letting me.

PARIS: Nothing, not even a cigarette butt on the ground, I can’t believe it. This town would make Frank Capra wanna throw up.

Lorelai: Rory, we’re home!
RICHARD: Next time, stop the car completely before you get out.

Rory: Al’s Pancake World.
RICHARD: I thought you said we were having Chinese food.
Lorelai: Al’s has the best egg fu yung in Stars Hollow.
RICHARD: Is that, um, saying anything?
Lorelai: Because she wants to go to Harvard.
RICHARD: But that’s ridiculous. Who’s going to help her get into Harvard?
Lorelai: Reese Witherspoon.

Rory: Let’s drive, can we drive, does it drive?
DEAN: Does it drive?
Rory: Well, no, I know it drives but. . .oh my God! I can’t believe you finished it! You built me a car!
Lorelai: Dean, now that you’re done with that, will you build me a plane? One that looks like Shamu.

Lorelai: It’s too big, it raises expectations.
Rory: Like there’s actually a home-cooked lunch in there?
Lorelai: Instead of whatever is leftover in our refrigerator - exactly.

Lorelai: Oh, it’s quaint, isn’t it? The women get to make a nice lunch basket, the men get to bid on it, and the world rotates backwards on its axis.
Rory: I think it’s fun.
Lorelai: That’s because you have a pretty boy to bid on your basket.

Lorelai: Did you tell him to eat lunch first?
Rory: Hi, I love him, of course.

MISS PATTY: Well, I’m getting that itch again.
Lorelai: Oh no, Patty, you don’t actually need another husband.
MISS PATTY: Well, need – no, but want – that’s a different story. Listen darling, do you happen to have change for a dollar?
Lorelai: I think so.
MISS PATTY: I don’t know where my quarters go.
Lorelai: Down some guy’s g-string, I would expect.
MISS PATTY: Oh no, a quarter would be insulting.

Lorelai: Thank you. Why do you have a very nice picture of me in your wallet?
MISS PATTY: I’m a stalker?
Lorelai: Or?
MISS PATTY: Or when, in my daily travels, I run across a nice single guy...
Lorelai: Oh God!
MISS PATTY: I like to have a visual aid to help me with the wonderful buildup I give you.
Lorelai: Patty, I appreciate the gesture but I don’t need you to try to set me up.
MISS PATTY: You’re such a beautiful girl and you deserve a nice guy.
Lorelai: I’ll have a nice guy, but let me find him, okay?
MISS PATTY: But you’re no good at finding him.

DEAN: I’m fine with the whole hating him thing, thank you.
Rory: I just think it’s a waste of energy.
DEAN: You know, I’ll have a PowerBar.

Lorelai: Ah man. I remember the days of lying to my mother about a boy. Once I had a boy hidden in the closet and of course Mom wouldn’t leave, so I finally had to pretend to get sick to my stomach just to get her out of the room long enough for him to climb out the window and down the tree. He fell, broke his leg. Ah, to be young again.

TAYLOR: Let's start the bidding at three dollars.
Rory: Hey!
DEAN: Five dollars.
TAYLOR: Okay, I have ten dollars. Do I have fifteen?
JESS: Twenty.
TAYLOR: Twenty dollars, do I hear twenty-five?
DEAN: Thirty.
TAYLOR: Okay, see, you boys don't seem to understand the way this thing works.
JESS: Forty dollars.
DEAN: Fifty dollars.
TAYLOR: Excuse me, have either of you noticed how tiny this thing is?
JESS: Seventy-five.
TAYLOR: Now we’re not talking cents gentlemen, we’re talking dollars remember.

TAYLOR: Okay, we've got ninety going once, ninety dollars going twice. . . sold to the nice young hoodlum in the back for ninety dollars.
LORELAI: I'm trying to think, uh, in what scenario this situation could be construed as positive.
Rory: Well . . .
LORELAI: Well, no one's head's on fire.

JESS: The person who buys the basket wins the company of the person who makes the basket for lunch. Basket, basket maker, guy who didn’t bring enough money.
DEAN: You think this is funny.
JESS: Well, it’s no Lenny Bruce routine but it has its moments.

DEAN: So buck tradition.
Rory: Are you kidding? Do you remember how mad Taylor was when I was sick and I couldn’t go to the turkey-calling contest?

TAYLOR: Next up – why, that looks like a Doose’s market basket. Nice, huh?
LORELAI: Ooh, that’s mine.
TAYLOR: I’d like to start the bidding at five dollars.
GUY 1: I bid five dollars.
LORELAI: Whoa, that was quick.
GUY 2: Ten dollars.
LORELAI: Do they know that all that’s in there is two stale Pop Tarts and a Slim Jim?

LORELAI: Oh no. Those are the guys, aren’t they?
MISS PATTY: Excuse me?
LORELAI: The guys whose pictures you sent me - you brought them here! You’re setting me up!
MISS PATTY: Well darling, you can’t be trusted to do it yourself.

LORELAI: Luke, you gotta come out there with me. Patty gave my picture out to all these guys because she thinks I need a man.
LUKE: You do, one with a nice couch and a deep knowledge of Freud.

LORELAI: Go, go on.
LUKE: Forty-seven dollars, are you kidding?
LORELAI: Luke!
GUY 2: Forty-seven fifty!
LUKE: For what? Two stale Pop Tarts and a Slim Jim?
LORELAI: Okay, you're not getting the whole saving me here thing, are you?