LORELAI: Hey, did you ever notice that in Stars Hollow death comes in fives?
RORY: Do not try to lighten the mood!
LORELAI: I'm not, it's true!
SOOKIE: It is?
LORELAI: Yeah, last year: Chester Thompson, Sarah Merrymen, Fran, and the Dublin twins.
SOOKIE: That's right.
LORELAI: Yeah, year before: Chuck O'Mishner, Santos Perez Jr, Santos Perez Sr -
SOOKIE: [Gasps] ...Perry Lewis and Charlie Slater, you're right!
LORELAI: And now, Pinochle Downs, Mr. Angelotopolous -
SOOKIE: Mrs. Krenz!
LORELAI: And Stan.
RORY: Wait a minute, that's only four.
LORELAI: It is only four.
SOOKIE: That means the fifth hasn't happened yet.
RABBI: Blessed, praised, glorified, exalted -
SOOKIE: Number five could be in this room right now.

LORELAI: Oh, no.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Hank Krutzman!
RORY: Hank Krutzman?
SOOKIE: Why would it be Hank Krutzman?
LORELAI: Because he's 110!
RORY: [In disbelief] Hank's 110?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Why would you say that?
LORELAI: Because, that's the age you say when someone is really old.
RORY: I don't.
LORELAI: What age do you say?
RORY: I say the age they are, otherwise I would seem cruel and insensitive.
LORELAI: Fine, the point is he is very, very old.
RORY: Well that doesn't make him number five.
LORELAI: I don't know...
SOOKIE: Hank Krutzman. He was such a happy guy.
LORELAI: He had such a good life.
SOOKIE: He owned those horses.
LORELAI: He loved his golf.
RORY: Stop!
LORELAI: What?
RORY: You guys just eulogized Hank! He's not even dead yet.

LORELAI: Ok, but if we do think it's Hank -
RORY: We don't think it's Hank.
SOOKIE: Why not?
RORY: Because if we think it's Hank, and then something happens and it turns out to be Hank, then we caused it.
LORELAI: She's right.
SOOKIE: It's not Hank.
RORY: So now, let's just focus on Stan because he's dead, and we had nothing to do with that.
LORELAI: Fine.
SOOKIE: Right.

[Hank Krutzman stumbles and falls behind them]
LORELAI: Oh, no!
SOOKIE: Hank!
LORELAI: Okay. He's okay, he's okay.
RORY: Oh, thank god.
LORELAI: We are going to be very stressed out for the rest of Hank's life.
RORY: Serves us right for making him the fifth.

LORELAI: Hey, we did not make him the fifth, we do not have the power.
SOOKIE: Yeah, we just speculated.
LORELAI: Yeah, that was it, for all we know anyone could be the fifth.
SOOKIE: That's right, it could be anyone. I mean Taylor, or Reggie, or Andrew or Kirk.
[Kirk falls into the flowers and hits the ground]
KIRK: OW! Oh! Going dark, going dark!
LORELAI: We are the Witches of Eastwick.

LORELAI: I love the first snow of the year.
RORY: I know, me too, although this isn't actually the first snow of the year.
LORELAI: It isn't?
RORY: No.
LORELAI: What happened to the first snow of the year?
RORY: I had a philosophy final.
LORELAI: Oh, right.
RORY: And the second snow of the season was on Wednesday.
LORELAI: Yeah, I had my walkthrough of the inn.
RORY: So, actually this is the third snow of the season.
LORELAI: Fourth, the third was on Saturday.
RORY: It was? Why didn't you call me?
LORELAI: Because, it happened in the middle of the night.
RORY: Well, you still could have called me.
LORELAI: In the middle of the night?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: You wanted me to call you, at Yale, in the middle of the night so I could say, "Hey, drive 20 miles to stand in the snow with Mommy?"
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: And then take the craziest mother-daughter title from Judy and Liza.

[Lorelai is heading over to Luke’s]
LORELAI: I'm just dropping off some stuff, and a few things and -
RORY: Mom?
LORELAI: I need coffee.
RORY: I'll meet you there.
LORELAI: Hurry, we can come back out for the bells in half an hour.
RORY: Order me some coffee, a muffin and some onion rings.
LORELAI: Look what I pass on to the next generation.
RORY: Eating habits from Hades.
LORELAI: [Calling after her] Love that DNA!

RORY: You can always tell your Mom that you're sleeping over at my dorm.
LANE: She knows they're co-ed. By the way, she's praying for you. So, you wanna borrow the new Sparks?
RORY: Please! Oh, now how about this? Tell your Mom that you're taking an astronomy class, and you have to go on a field trip to look at the stars.
LANE: There are no astronomy classes at Adventist College. That would imply the universe is old.
RORY: Not a lot of loopholes in your world, huh?
LANE: It's okay, I'll come up with something. My entire life has been a training session for this very event.
RORY: I have faith in you.

KIRK: Luke?
LUKE: [Irritated] Yeah, Kirk.
KIRK: What time is it?
LUKE: I'm not saying, Kirk.
KIRK: Why not?
LUKE: Because I just told you 30 seconds ago!
KIRK: More like 45 seconds if you add in all the bickering.
LUKE: [Sighs] 3:58.
KIRK: Only two minutes until the bells.
LUKE: Unless of course, I'm fast.
KIRK: You're cruel at times, Luke.
LUKE: Only when poked with a stick.

GIRL: I met him at this party this weekend. He's pretty cool - and funny! He tells this story about a girl in this dorm. She doesn't even know him, she just comes up to him and starts talking to him, and he's talking to her, you know, just to be nice, but she thinks he's into her or something, so like three seconds later she asks him out. [Rory begins to look uncomfortable] Of course he said no. But I guess to her no doesn't mean 'no', so now she's showing up everywhere he is. He calls her his "adoring fan."
GIRL #2: Did he say who it was?
GIRL: Someone cranked up the karaoke machine right at that moment so no, no names. But his impression of her asking him out, all flitty eyelashes and 'look how hot I am' is hilarious. [Rory is looking very uncomfortable now.]

LORELAI: Oh, it's too British. I swear, that guy should work for the CIA. He gives away nothing, absolutely nothing!
SOOKIE: I have friends there.
LORELAI: What? Where?
SOOKIE: The CIA.
LORELAI: [laughs] No, you don't.
SOOKIE: Yes, I - Ah, you didn't mean the Culinary Institute of America?

LORELAI: What's the matter, is he hungry?
SOOKIE: No, it's the bells.
LORELAI: The bells aren't ringing.
SOOKIE: No, but they're about to.
LORELAI: He's crying in anticipation of the bells?
SOOKIE: He hates them. At first he just cried when they rang, and now he knows their schedule.

LUKE: I have been tying my own shoes since I was I was four, I have repairing my own car since I was fourteen, and I have been making my own decisions since I could crawl!
LORELAI: What does any of that have to do with anything?
LUKE: I owe you nothing!
LORELAI: Fine.
LUKE: Nothing!
LORELAI: Fine!
LUKE: And shovel your walk! It is a safety hazard and you can't just walk past it and ignore the fact that the snow is up to your ass!
LORELAI: You've got my shovel!
LUKE: [Holding up the shovel] I loaned it to you three years ago!

RORY: Because propaganda and the spreading of blatant, heinous, ridiculous lies can cause more damage than guns or bombs or any sort of weaponry.
WILLIAM: Personally, if I'm in an alley with Osama, I'd rather he was armed with a blatant, heinous lie than an Uzi.
RORY: That's cause you're an idiot.
WILLIAM: You know, you didn't look scary when you came in here.
RORY: Oh yeah, give me back my pencil.

LORELAI: I'm starving.
RORY: Order a pizza.
LORELAI: No, it's snowing, they won't deliver.
RORY: Then go to Al's.
LORELAI: It's curry night!
RORY: China Charlie's sounds pretty good.
LORELAI: I hate Chinese.
RORY: Since when?
LORELAI: Since tonight!
RORY: You're acting like a four year old.
LORELAI: I don't care, I'm bored.
RORY: This is stupid, just go to Luke's.
LORELAI: No. Way.
RORY: Oh, come on, you guys always fight.
LORELAI: Not like this.
RORY: And then you make up.
LORELAI: No, I'm not going to Luke's.
RORY: You're gonna starve to death.
LORELAI: Well fine, I will starve to death, because I'm not going to reward bad behavior.

RORY: There's Beefaroni. You like Beefaroni.
LORELAI: I'm not in the mood for Beefaroni.
RORY: Mom, you have to do something.
LORELAI: I need a suggestion.
RORY: Have you read The Bell Jar?
LORELAI: Huh! Not funny!
RORY: Okay, you know what, you're on your own.
LORELAI: No, no! Come on!
RORY: I have to study and you're in your stubborn mood.
LORELAI: Hey! I sat up with you all night when you had the chicken pox. I held your hands so that you couldn't scratch your face and scar your perfect skin. You look that way because of me.
RORY: Night, mom.
LORELAI: But, ah, the chicken pox!
RORY: Beefaroni, it's calling you!

MISS PATTY: [claping] One, and two, and three and four. Ignore the bells, they aren't the beat. The bells will screw, it all to hell.

…. MISS PATTY: And one, and two, and three, and four... [The bells stop.] and … one… and two and three and four...

LORELAI: You want to help me break the bells?
LUKE: I'll get my toolbox.

LUKE: What is that?
LORELAI: It's my gym card.
LUKE: You joined a gym?
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: When?
LORELAI: After I had Rory, to lose the pregnancy weight.
LUKE: Did you go?
LORELAI: God, no. I was way too fat.

LORELAI: [Manages to unlock the door with the card] Ah, praise be to Him and all the little lambs that frolic the earth with their frankincense and myrrh and -
LUKE: Would you get inside?
LORELAI: Okay.

LORELAI: Oy! Would it kill God to dust?
LUKE: Okay, now just hold the flashlight, do not do any moving spotlight gags and point it at me and yell "Freeze, drop your weapons."
LORELAI: [laughs] How about if I shine it on the wall and do a dirty hand puppet show?
LUKE: Just stand back so the lightning only strikes you.

LORELAI: So, what's the game plan here? Personally, I thought we could whack the bells really hard with a hammer.
LUKE: Uh, you don't break bells with a hammer.
LORELAI: Okay, I'm out. What's your plan, Clyde?
LUKE: Well, I was thinking we could just jam the turnbuckle, or wedge the main mechanism, just for fun disconnect a few of the clappers; Contrary to popular belief you don't have to break every bell. If you just damage a couple, say the tierce and the prime, you pretty much ruin the set.
LORELAI: You must have been the top of your class at hunchback school.

LUKE: Well, let's just say you can wait your whole life waiting for bells to fall into disrepair. Sometimes they need a push.
LORELAI: No way! You broke the bells.

LORELAI: God, these things are heavy. Don't you have a smaller toolbox?
LUKE: No, why would I have two toolboxes?
LORELAI: 'Cause then you'd have a big one and a small one.
LUKE: Well, if you have a big one you don't need a small one. [Lorelai opens her mouth to speak] Don't say 'dirty', it's too easy. Hold these.

LORELAI: Phillips or flathead? [Luke looks at her in surprise] I know things.

LUKE: You know what, you're doing it again.
LORELAI: Doing what again?
LUKE: You're passing judgment on my relationship with Nicole.
LORELAI: I'm not passing judgment.
LUKE: You passed judgment on our marriage, you passed judgment on our divorce and now you're passing judgment on our living together.
LORELAI: I'm not passing judgment on you living together. You're passing judgment on you living together… by not living together.
LUKE: You know, I was a little tipsy on that cruise ship, but I don't remember anyone pronouncing us husband and wife and Lorelai.
LORELAI: Well, they may as well have, because I spend as much time with Nicole as you do.
LUKE: And the judgment's back!

LUKE: How much adjusting did you have to do? Nothing's changed! I still see you everyday, I still cook your food, I still serve your coffee. What do you care?
LORELAI: I care.
LUKE: Why?
LORELAI: Because I don't want you to move.
LUKE: Why? Why don't you want me to move?
[Lorelai stares at him for a second, but a door opens behind them and Lorelai and Luke lower their heads guiltily. Reverend Skinner walks in.]
REVEREND: Lorelai? Luke? [Sees the tools.] Oh, thank God! Carry on.

RORY: Fine. [Rory dials a number.] Who are you calling?
[Lorelai is sleeping and slaps the phone as it rings. She picks it up and hold it to her ear.]
LORELAI: I hate you.
RORY: Mom, are you awake?
LORELAI: No.

RORY: Well, what are you gonna do, just never go home again?
LANE: You say that like it's a bad thing.
RORY: It is a bad thing, a really bad thing!

MRS. KIM: Luke!
LUKE: Hey, Mrs. Kim. You're up early.
MRS. KIM: I just want to tell you that Lane will not be coming to work today.
LUKE: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know.
MRS. KIM: You know?
LUKE: Yeah, she called.
MRS. KIM: She called?
LUKE: Twice. She left a message last night and she called again a minute ago just to make sure I got it. I tell you, that is one responsible kid.
MRS. KIM: She called you?
LUKE: Twice.
MRS. KIM: She called you, she called Lorelai.
LUKE: Is everything okay?
MRS. KIM: Everything's fine. I'm going home.
LUKE: Okay.

LANE: I'm weak. I have no spine.
RORY: [Gently] If you had no spine you'd be walking funny.

LANE: Where are we going?
RORY: Well, I can't send you home to Mrs. Kim without a purse full of mini donuts.
LANE: You know, I believe that's how Mother Theresa got started.
RORY: Really, I heard it was Pixie Stix.

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