JESS: It’s getting a little West Side Story here, Dean, and I gotta warn you, my dancing skills are not up to snuff.

DEAN: So, where do you wanna sit?
RORY: Um, there’s good, if you like the window.
DEAN: Window is fine.
RORY: Of course, there’s that one if you don’t like the window.
DEAN: Window’s fine.
RORY: The window can be colder because of the glass, but then that one is right by the bathroom, and being right by the bathroom always makes me kind of uncomfortable, which isn’t really fair because something has to be right by the bathroom. Otherwise, you’re cutting down on tables, which means you’re cutting down on profits and. . .window’s fine?

EMILY: This couch cannot stay.
LORELAI: Yes, it can.
EMILY: It’s awful.
LORELAI: It can hear you.

RORY: I’m running out of space.
LORELAI: How many bouquets you got left?
RORY: Three.
LORELAI: Can you put ‘em on your dresser?
RORY: Dresser’s full.
LORELAI: Can you squish ‘em in with another bunch?
RORY: Already squished.
LORELAI: Can you toss ‘em out the window like I did my last five bouquets?
RORY: Done.

LORELAI: Okay, so monkey lamp’s in the closet, singing rabbi’s in a drawer, and all Spice Girl memorabilia’s under your bed. How do I look?
RORY: Like a woman who does not own any Spice Girl memorabilia.
LORELAI: You look pretty, too.

DEAN: Hey, uh, did you see they got the crazy psychic from Woodbury again?
RORY: You’re kidding. I thought she got arrested.
DEAN: She’s out now and sitting right over there.
RORY: I love her. She always tells me I’m gonna be rich and famous.
DEAN: She tells everybody that they’re gonna be rich and famous.

DEAN: Clara, you want a snowcone?
CLARA: Yes. Will you go get me a snowcone?
JESS: Absolutely. Go stand in the middle of the street and wait for me, I’ll be right back.

JESS: You know, I could’ve bought you that thing for a quarter.
RORY: No, it’s better that I won it. Maybe Clara would like it.
JESS: Yes, shoved in her mouth.

LORELAI: Who would ever have thought that all inns need doors?
SOOKIE: Not me.
LORELAI: And floors.
SOOKIE: Doors and floors, we can’t afford that.
LORELAI: Well, we better, otherwise our guests will fall right through to China.
SOOKIE: I can just imagine the phone calls.

PARIS: How many times do I have to tell them? You can’t put a two-inch ladle of gravy into a one-inch potato crater. You either need a smaller ladle or a bigger crater – otherwise, you get this.
RORY: Gravy on your asparagus.
PARIS: Yes.
RORY: Paris, the cafeteria workers serve hundreds of students a day. A little gravy spillage is natural.

MICHEL: My neighbor had this dog, a frisky little scamp that used to love to yap to his friends all night long. It was so cute. Then one day he disappeared. I told the police what I knew, but sadly the adorable little chatterbox was never found. It was tragic.
LORELAI: You got rid of a dog?
MICHEL: No.
LORELAI: How could you get rid of a dog?
MICHEL: I will gladly show you the transcript from the lawyer and the results of the lie detector test.
LORELAI: You’re heinous.
MICHEL: And very well rested.

SOOKIE: Yeah, it was a good group.
JOE: You always made it better.
SOOKIE: ‘Cause I kept you fools from driving off the side of a mountain.

LORELAI: Ugh, that Francie is pure evil, so she’ll probably wind up president.

LORELAI: Look, I’ll tell you what. If you wanna make things right, just go back to school tomorrow and let her stab you.
RORY: Great idea.
LORELAI: I’m nothing if not full of suggestions.
RORY: Or full of something.

RORY: Well, how did he know that the note was authentic?
LORELAI: I wrote it on Powerpuff Girls stationery. Who’d he think was setting him up, Hello Kitty?

RORY: I appreciate that. So, tell me, your cousin getting married Saturday, what’s his story?
LANE: James. Very quiet, kind of skulky, couldn’t meet anyone here, so his family arranged to have a girl shipped over from the old country.
RORY: I hope they cut air holes in the box.

LUKE: Thanks. So, tell me something, what’s it like being Taylor’s lawyer?
NICOLE: Well, actually, I’m not exactly Mr. Doose’s lawyer. Or only lawyer. He’s one of our select clients, so all of our attorneys deal with him or a rotating basis, it’s my month.
LUKE: My condolences.
NICOLE: Yeah, my father always told me that which does not kill you makes you stronger.
LUKE: You’re gonna be really stronger.
NICOLE: He’s not that bad.
LUKE: Seriously, if you run into someone pinned underneath a truck, pick it up. It’s gonna be a piece of cake.

JESS: She laughed at your jokes, and we both know there’s gotta be some ulterior motive when people laugh at your jokes.

LORELAI: Hey, got any good stories?
LUKE: Nope, sorry.
LORELAI: Ah, nothing? No crazy, colorful uncle? Best friend with a funny name?
LUKE: Jeff Smith?
LORELAI: Skeletons in the family closet? War wounds? Funny shaped scars?
LUKE: It really throws you off when Rory’s late, doesn’t it?

LORELAI: So what’s with all the books?
RORY: We are going to fish.
LORELAI: With these?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: So we throw them in and try to knock the fish out?

LUKE: So you’re gonna fish to fulfill your destiny?
LORELAI: That’s right.
LUKE: And you’re gonna learn to fish to fulfill your destiny from a book?
LORELAI: Yes.
LUKE: And you sanctioned this?
RORY: Yes.
LUKE: Okay, Thelma, Louise, possibly there’s another way to learn to fish.
LORELAI: The Fishing Channel.
LUKE: I fish.

PARIS: And in regards to the student council meeting –
RORY: Oh, you mean the one where you tried to impeach me because you haven’t been properly diagnosed yet?

LORELAI: Hey! Aw, they’re so cute! Hello, hi boys. And look, they’re all "ooh" like they’re singing in a little trout choir.
LUKE: I wouldn’t get too attached.
LORELAI: Hi Gomer.
LUKE: There you go.
LORELAI: Oh, don’t be scared Pinky.
LUKE: And now there’s Pinky.
LORELAI: Pinky Dowdy from fourth grade. See her eyes darting back and forth, all panicked? She got that way from dodge ball. It’s okay, Pinky, nobody’s gonna hurt you. Hey Pete, stop crowding Pinky. It’s okay, Pinky, just go over there behind Cheryl.

RORY: You set my alarm for 5:15 a.m.
LORELAI: [walking into the kitchen] I know, and I did it for purely practical reasons.
RORY: Which are?
LORELAI: My alarm is just not as reliable as your scream.

RORY: I fell off my chair.
MRS. KIM: Oh, well, don’t.
RORY: Yes, ma’am.

LORELAI: It’s from my mother.
RORY: What is it?
LORELAI: It’s heavy. Must be her hopes and dreams for me.
RORY: I thought she discarded those years ago.

CHRISTOPHER: Where’s Sofia?
LORELAI: Fired.
CHRISTOPHER: Already.
LORELAI: She touched the Baccarat unicorn.
CHRISTOPHER: My God, is she insane?
LORELAI: Apparently so.

LORELAI: Christopher, you’re supposed to go to college. I’m supposed to go to college. Then you’re supposed to join your dad’s firm where you’ll get a corner office and big stick to shove up your butt.
CHRISTOPHER: Change of plans.
LORELAI: You can’t just change the plans. The plans came over on the Mayflower.

LORELAI: Okay, then, it’s settled. We’re not staying at any place that wasn’t built for Napoleon the third’s doctor or doesn’t have a Chagall in the bathroom.
RORY: Hear, hear.
LORELAI: Now we just have to figure out how we’re gonna pay for it. Hey, how good’s your organ grinding?

LORELAI: Oh, thank God. Hey, I desperately need a massive cup of coffee to go and – what happened to your face?
LUKE: What do you mean?
LORELAI: It’s visible.
LUKE: Oh, I shaved.
LORELAI: You going to the bank?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Funeral?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Drag club?

EMILY: Leloni made a roast before she left and I heated it up.
LORELAI: You did?
EMILY: I even added a little wine to the pan to keep it from drying out.
LORELAI: Well, who died and made you Sara Moulton?

RORY: I need you, I need you here, I need you now. I cannot do this alone. I need my Mommy, and dammit, I don’t care who knows it!

LORELAI: She’s jogging in place.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: I think she’s hoping to aerobicize the thing right out of there.
RORY: Well, should we stop her?
LORELAI: I tried. She almost took an eye out.
RORY: Well, that can’t be good for the baby.
LORELAI: Well, it’s probably no worse than the guilt trip it’s gonna get for showing up a week early.

RORY: Hanging out with Jess for most of the day, studying at night.
LORELAI: Cool. Alex and I are having dinner tomorrow night.
RORY: Good. That’ll make it nice and quiet for when I study.
LORELAI: I’m that loud?
RORY: You are when you dance around singing ‘Rory’s Studying’ songs.

LORELAI: Man, that was some stealthy little maneuver she pulled there, huh? Applying the guilt over not knowing about the Dean breakup and making you all weak, and then using that to get Jess to come to dinner on Friday. She’s like Lyndon Johnson with the Senate, effortless.

JESS: Does she know what I look like?
RORY: I don’t think so.
JESS: Perfect. Find someone who vaguely resembles me. Take him. Just don’t kiss him goodnight.

JESS: What if Dean had sucker-punched me and I had to defend myself? You’re not even considering the possibility that that’s what happened?
RORY: Dean wouldn’t do that.
JESS: Oh, no, he might get his big white Stetson dirty.

LUKE: When did it happen, yesterday?
JESS: Yes.
LUKE: You went to Rory’s grandmother yesterday. She punch you?

JESS: I was attacked by a swan. Okay, you happy? A stupid swan.
LUKE: Now, how ‘bout the real story?
JESS: That is the real story. It hangs out by Larson’s Dock. I was just walking by and the thing came out of nowhere and bam – beaked me right in the eye.
LUKE: It beaked you?
JESS: You still don’t believe me.
LUKE: I just never heard anyone use the word beaked as a verb before

LUKE: What are you doing? Where are you going?
JESS: I’m gonna do a little beaking of my own.
LUKE: Jess, not the ladle. That’s a brand new ladle. Take the baster!

JESS: Just lay low, it’ll come.
LUKE: Does it act all peaceful and Bambi-like and then suddenly attack like the rabbit in Monty Python?

LUKE: When you date a girl like Rory, you’re involved with her whole family. Just like that last girl you dated, you were involved with her whole petri dish.

TAYLOR: Oh yes. I was responsible for the game-winning goal.
LUKE: So the puck just ricocheted off your head and into the net?
TAYLOR: Still counted.

EMILY: That was your mother, Richard. She just wanted to make sure that all our towels are Egyptian cotton.
RICHARD: Well, it’s a simple question.
EMILY: It’s her fortieth simple question of the day.
RICHARD: Well, she’s going to be staying with us, Emily. She just wants to know she’ll be comfortable.
EMILY: Yes, because we usually give our guests the towels we’ve stolen from the Holiday Inn.

LORELAI: But you’re eating small bites very fast. You’ve gotta eat bigger bites at a normal speed.
RORY: You mean I should risk choking so we can make our Friday night plans? LORELAI: Exactly.

LORELAI: Have you seen my brown boots? I cannot go out without those brown boots. My entire outfit was retrofitted around those practically – Oh! Wait, can you believe it? Hey, they were in my closet. What sort of bizarre accident of fate put them there?

LANE: I would’ve thought of it myself, but I let him take the credit.
RORY: Men sometimes need that.

MAN 2: I was in France during the Big One.
MICHEL: Oh, that’s nice. So -
MAN 2: Nice? It was a war. What’s nice about that?
MICHEL: Of course. So, your father is –
MAN 2: Don’t give me that attitude, Frenchy. You’d be speaking German now if it wasn’t for me.

MAX: Same boyfriend?
LORELAI: Different boyfriend.
MAX: Really?
LORELAI: Yeah.
MAX: You hate him.
LORELAI: No, I don’t.
MAX: You really hate him.
LORELAI: I smile, I say hi, I let him eat the good cookies.
MAX: You wanna have him killed.
LORELAI: Only if I get a really good price.
MAX: She’s young, she’ll move on, she’s got college next year.
LORELAI: Great. Frat boys, I cannot wait.
MAX: Just get a keg, keeps ‘em distracted.
LORELAI: Oh, well, thanks for the advice. I’m gonna lock her up in a tower when I get home.


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