AROCKSTAR: Now with Amazing Camera Action!
This one night that was like last night I was watching T.V and this kid was climbing up a tree because he didn’t want to wear pants, but his dad was yelling at him and wildly waving the pants around in the air and threatening to strangle him, so I was all like "Yeah! FIGHT THE POWER!" and I took of my pants and threw them at a close-up of the dad's face. It was pretty cool. But just as I was in the midst of a naked tribal dance, my dad came in and he was all GRRR! GO TO BED! It's 1:30 in the damn morning! But I looked at my clock and it was only 1:27in the damn morning.... so I was like...no. But my dad had already left and shut off all the lights in my room. So I sat in my bed for like two hours looking at dusty things with my black light. Then I found my remote control and when I put it next to the black light it turned bright green, and I was like "Whoa....glowey...." but then a gigantic winged beast attacked me and I quickly dodged it and smashed it into the wall. Then I was all HA! Pray all you want islander people, there will be no Mothra to save you!
So after I destroyed the formidable flying fortress of fictitious feudal Japan, I sneaked down the hall and got to the kitchen and looked inside the fridge, but there was only bacon, so I was all "This Fridge Sucks." Then I closed the fridge door and staring me straight in the face was ED, (Candidate for Something), probably for the rights to my fridge. Ed magnet had a speech bubble that said "LOOK FOR ED! :D". So I looked around and then I saw Ed on my fridge, so I was all "I WIN! HURRAH!" Then I grabbed Ed and licked him and stuck him on my head and instantaneously remembered my Counterstrike/SOCOM/D12 training, and I said out loud, "These chicks have a high probability of not knowing the name of my band/group of singers." and I proceeded to check the dining room for information. Upon investigation, I discovered two Wal-Mart receipts and a can of peanuts. Knowing that the receipts had been planted, (considering all of my previously acquired "knowing skills" from hit T.V shows such as CSI and Reno 911) I crumbled them and threw them angrily at the wall for no apparent reason, just like any Television detective would.
I then questioned the peanuts about the whereabouts of the hostages, but none of these nuts knew anything, other then the name of one man....and this man was....Mr. Peanut.
(Insert Dramatic Drum Noises!)
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(Fade To Black)
(Dim Spotlight on ARockStar)
Now Mr. Peanut was a shady figure...as shady as peanuts come. With his stylish top hat and cane, he thought he was so dashing and clever, but me being an ace-gunman....this nut was easily cracked.
(Zoom out to show Mr. Peanut in a room with a table and a chair. WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A CHAIR?! Doesn't anyone stand anymore?)
I started off threatening him to crush out his oil and remove his salt. I even whipped out my slices of bread at him and made chompy-chompy noises with my teeth. But in the end, it was when I grabbed his two fondest nuts in my hands and began squeezing, that he surrendered the location of the hostages. I wasn't surprised. No not at all. No real man would let his son and daughter suffer like that. Not peanut men anyways.
(Zoom in to Mr. Peanut clutching his crying children in his arms. Then zoom in more and follow tear of peanut butter to the floor)
(Zoom back out to normal view)
As I walked towards the door, that I knew was the only thing standing between me and an awesomely awful gun slinging battle of doomedly doom, I could only hope but to wonder... where else could Ed be hiding?
The door's hinges cracked and gave way as piece upon piece of shattered wood fell to the floor. My breath was hot and heavy as my heart began pumping adrenaline through my body. The trigger grew closer to my finger, as I thought in my head, "Oww. My foot."
I stood in the dark for eternity it seemed, until I remembered my headlight glasses that hung on my belt. I put them on and a brilliant flash illuminated the room. And not two inches away stood an Indian! His eyes met mine and mine sort of went left a bit, but it was in this very moment, that we saw each other. I opened my mouth and said slowly from the back of my throat "Go back to Canada you dusty sun-dried feathery bastard." Then in the next moment, I raised my gun and he reached for an arrow. And it was in approximately in the next six and a half moments that I pumped his body with 24 rounds of automatic machine-gun fire. Then in the next few moments, I freed the hostages and got a soda out of the back fridge. And then I went to bed and after finished my soda I fell asleep.
(Zoom out and show credits.)
What? Were you expecting some great climax? Well too bad. I'm tired damn it. And that was an Indian, and I'm an ace-gunman remember?