I was outside barbaqueing and all of a sudden I heard a bunch of thumps against my house and they were like BOOM BOOM BOOM. I was like "OH NO THE FAT WHITE GIRL THAT EATS ALL MY FOOD CAME BACK!" but then I heard a faint grunt and a thump. "GRANDPA IS HERE!" I was sooo happy.
I went inside my house and into the kitchen and I was like "GRANDPA GRANDPA GRANDPA!" and then nothing...then i went into the living room and I was like "GRANDPA?" and then I went into the bathroom and looked under the toilet seat and no GRANDPA. Suddenly I got a really bad feeling that it might not be grandpa and that it might be the baker that lives under my bed and hes finally come to put me in his oven, so then I ran upstairs and still NO GRANDPA! So I grabbed my hockey mask and went to the kitchen and got a big ol' butcher knife and the bloody steak fork outside that I used on the guy and I was like "MUAUAHUAHUAUAHA!" "Just try and get me baker! Try anything and I'll barbecue YA ass!" then I looked around and I saw grandpa outside on the lawn and he was fighting a GIANT MONSTER.
Grandpa was like "HELP ME BILLY!" and I was like "MY NAMES NOT BILLY ASSHOLE!" and then Grandpa was like "JUST HELP ME DAMNIT!" and I was like "MY BAD!" and then I was like all ninjitsu style and attacked the monster and Chop Chop Hadoken and it was dead. Then I got like 54 experience points and 8 tech points and then I picked up 850 gold and then grandpa got up and was like "THANK YOU BILLY!" and I was like "MY NAME IS NOT BILLY AND I ONLY DID IT FOR THE GOLD AND EXPERIENCE!" and then I punched him in the ribs and he coughed up some blood. Then I was like "What the hell was that grandpa?!" and he said "That was the damn russian invaders Billy!" "They were trying to take my cookies and my woman!" and then he flexed and said "BOOyAh" and I was like "He has cookies?" and then I slapped him in the face and told him "Thats just the hose and its broken and now I have to buy a new one damn you." And then it was quiet....."Oh yeah! WHAT DID YOU BRING ME GRANDPA?!" and flashed the butcher knife at him. Then he showed me a bag in his pocket and gave it to me. "That there is a bag of happiness! Never use it for evil or else!" and then it was really quiet....
And then I was like "SO HOW IS LIFE TREATING YOU GRANDPA!?"
and he was all "Your grandma is a horrible witch woman." "She took all my cookies from me and told me I cant have them because she needs them to give to the lord or some crap like that." "Then when im sleeping at night she sneaks into the kitchen and gets her metal fly swatter and beats me in the face with it."
Then I was like "Grandpa? Go away you scare me." and then he saw a kid going down the road on a quad and he chased after him with his M16 that he said he stole from a dead german in WWI. I watched him till he had gone all the way down the road and disappeared. Then I opened up the bag of happiness and there was nothing in there.
...
Damnit