Superstar
Now Playing: Superstar/ Until You Come Back To Me - Luther Vandross
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
2:15pm Sunday 3Sept06

Had my weekly Sunday morning breakfast with my friend who works for a major music company. She brought me the newest CD of an artist I normally don't buy but who's latest album is up my alley. Too thrilled especially since one of the boys at work keeps asking, "Did you hear it yet? Did you hear it yet?"

My friend and I worked together in theatre. We both have music and book addictions. She does Stratford every season the way I do IFOA, which I may be doing too, once the new assistant artistic directors take over (Don Shipley specifically). Next season is all about honoring Richard Monette so I don't know how interesting that will be but the following year is when everything changes. I love change.

Innocently went to Fresh Obsessed to stock up on a few things for my beet juice. Ended up dropping 60 bucks without batting an eye. Something about the bonus air miles gets my interest to buy 5 more of what I was only going to buy one of. I have more than enough food in my fridge and freezer, I could have just bought the fresh vegetables and fruit. Been wanting some tortellini but I need an Italian to make it for me. My friend P makes a mean tortellini. Nice and simple and tasty. I need some lessons. My tortellini never comes out that good. P and her sisters make homemade tiramisu and make me jealous of their family brunches of too much food that I love and want. Every time I go to her house for a party I befriend the food first. ha ha!

I need to start a round robin of visiting all my friends and get them to show me how to cook like them. Yeah, learn how to make home made sushi from E, Tortellini and Tiramisu from P, West Indian foods from any one of my WI friends but specifically AV (she's a cooking fiend), Perogies... sigh! It's out of control. But I need some side dish to go with my veggies. Heck I need a lot of things that doesn't concern food but that's another story.

It looks like another rainy day. A combo of Hurricane Ernesto and John affecting our weather. Yesterday I got out for my daily walk, I've decided that I would walk 10,000 steps a day and build up to 15,000 steps. I hit just under 13,000 steps. I walked in the pouring rain and finally gave up on my umbrella that could't fight the wind with any regularity.

I thought about an ex boyfriend that used to call me whenever it was raining and would say, "It's raining!"
"I know."
"I'm coming to get you."
I'd wait down at my front door and hop in his car and we'd drive in the rain for hours listening to WBLK and chatting and laughing. We never had a song that was our song like some couples do but we had an artist, Luther Vandross. Any love song by Luther was our song.

When Luther passed away, my ex and I got together and listened to his music to mourn his passing. We reminisced. We caught up, it's been about 10 or 12 years since we were last together as a couple. Our get together started because I'd called to say, "I don't know who else to call and talk to who this would mean anything to but Luther Vandross has passed away."

It was his idea that we get together and listen and mourn. It was a neat experience.

The only song that was saved for someone else was Superstar/ Until You come back to me. I was 18 years old when Luther's version of the song was out. It had previously been done in the 1970's by the Carpenters. My friend, Morris the cat, was at my house in the South Shore in Montreal. We sat in the living room having a few drinks and played that song over and over on vinyl. ha ha. We'd smoked a few unmentionables and chilled on the couch and replayed the song like two maniacs.

My mother and my sister in law (who at that time was coming out of her first marriage. It was still a couple years before she married my brother and the family feuding began) were in the kitchen partaking of their oun stash of unmentionables. There was a speaker hooked up in the kitchen and they talked and laughed and listened to Morris and I killing that song.

Morris was special in my family's house. He'd come from N.D.G. and would have to take a bus and two subways and another bus to get to me. It took serious commitment. He'd get to my house and my mom would come out with a big smile, a loud happy hello (she loved that guy) and a bottle of Otrivin with a label on it that said, "for Morris."

You see, Morris was allergic to cats (as if the travel wasn't bad enough) and he'd get all stuffed up and his eyes would get watery because of course we had three or four cats and a dog or two (aside from the parrot and budgies and cockatiels). It was full blown agony he was in.

No one from high school understood why I didn't really hang out in the streets with them causing trouble and getting into drugs and the like. I hung out at home. Morris discovered why I hung out at home. My mom bought the latest music, she had a killer top of the line music system and she would buy me hash (my smoke of choice then) whenever I wanted it. She figured if she could see what I was doing I wouldn't end up in the gutter. I never did.

Morris and often his brother Paul would come out to our house and spend the day. We'd eat massive BBQ'd hamburgers when we got the inevitable munchies. We'd listen to the music that I'd DJ. A lot of stuff that you never had a chance of hearing on Canadian radio. Morris and Paul would exclaim, "Who is that? That's some good shit." They'd read my latest poetry. They'd mock me for living in the suburbs when we'd walk to the gas station to buy cigarettes from the cigarette machine. They'd mock the fact that you could get a large pack of cigarettes out of it. Something you couldn't get on the island of Montreal.

I pursued Morris in high school. I'd call his house everyday and through my shyness I'd find things to talk about. Sometimes we'd sit on the phone silent for an hour watching the same t.v. shows. He told me that he'd already been pursuing someone and although he liked me too he was going to continue with her. We still continued to talk on the phone almost every day. I went out with my first boyfriend for 3 years, broke off with him and dated a nice boy that I discovered had always liked me through high school. That second relationship was short lived because I'd made the decision to move to Toronto.

Morris and I were both single and always friends and we started hanging out knowing that no real romance could be started when I would be moving away in a few months. On my last couple nights in Montreal, Morris and I played what is still to me our song. We continued to see each other every time I went home for about three years and never took our relationship to the level where we would have to make that big decision about who would have to move. We were both clear that I would't be moving back to Montreal. But we really loved each other.

He ran into my mother about a week before she died and the first words out of his mouth were, "Does she still look good?"
They hadn't exchanged phone numbers because neither of them had a pen. They promised to run into each other again.
"I'd love to see Shelley."
"She'd love to see you."
He probably still doesn't know that mom has died.

I was spoiled early on with the really great guys. I expected that it would always be that way. If I have any regrets, it's not fully recognizing what a good thing I had. Who knew that the best guy was the one I knew at 18 years old?

But now
it's all right, it's all right, ooh baby,
it's all right it's all right
it's all right now,
I used to be sad
but now it's all right, it's all right
ooh baby
it's all right, it's all right
all right now.
I wonder, I wonder
where are you again tonight
are you holding someone else real tight.
I wonder, I wonder, I wonder...

EY

Dream
Topic: Connections
This Morning's post
Saturday 6am 2Sept06

Dreamed that I was waiting outside in a grassy field and people started coming toward me out of nowhere in a field of dreams way.
We were all dressed up for a wedding. Most of the people I was going to meet came toward me with huge grins. Then I noticed Tom Cruise (yeah that one) come toward me but he couldn't get near me because all these other people stopped him to say Hello and thank him for coming and then they shooked Katie Holmes' hand and she had on that perma grin that she has.

Tom Cruise got this massive camera ready as the music began. The music was a funky New Orleans jazz number that was surprisingly piped through. You'd think there'd be a band. These black folk danced down the aisle to the music. The fifth or sixth person was the bride in a white and violet laced number that was beautiful. Tom Cruise took pictures of the wedding party under the tent.

A woman in the wedding party asked my mother if they were related, then said, "you look like my relative."

She lead my mother and I inside the restaurant entrance at the end of the tent and placed us in a booth beside the wedding party.
A guy came over to our booth to say hi to us. (He was the black guy that works in my work building that I had a bad first impression of and wondered if I should reconsider a few postings ago.)

He told me that he would get me back to Toronto when it was time to leave since my mom had asked him and she thought since we're both single, we'd like to get to know each other. I agreed with brooding shyness and looked over at my mom who smiled with Cheshire cat deviousness. After he left, I gave her half hearted heck for setting me up. She made a comment that she didn't know how to parent anymore because I'd become so independent as an adult and she needed to feel like she could still fix things for me if I'd only come to her.

I apologized for breaking her heart when I went through my teenage rebellion in my late 20's. My mother died when I was 32. I told her that I always loved her through all the pain I'd caused her and that I wish she would come to me more often.

"I'm asking you to come more. I need a mom more than ever."
She said, "I haven't always been sure that you still loved me."
End of Dream

I had a disturbed restless sleep last night, well this morning, I went to bed at 2am. I felt almost half awake and half asleep for a good two hours. There was this energy underneath me that kept me awake. It felt almost as if I could feel the turning of a ceiling fan coming through my floor and through my bed. I've felt that sensation twice this week and actually wondered if my downstairs neighbours have a ceiling fan. Then I realize that thought is ridiculous and notice my heart rate is high. I seem to be having some mild anxiety.

My mom has been popping up in my dreams more frequently lately. Or there is a reference or thought of her as I try to go see her in Montreal. At least we're still connected as we get closer to the 10th year of her death which comes up in December.

The Set-up: It's funny because whenever I've Dreamed about a guy who I know in my real life and there is a romantic possibility or entanglement in my dream I've ended up going out with that person in real life. Every time.

I've Dreamed about other men that I know, of course, but have never had romantic entanglements with them in my dreams.

My Guyanese boyfriend that I went out with the first time when I was 28 years old, I'd Dreamed that he was my husband. We went out for 6 months the first time and a year the second time. He was 14 years older than me, a black guy with green eyes. We were both Pisces. I broke up with him abruptly when a psychic asked me, "who is the black man with the green eyes? If you two can get through this rough patch that will last about two more months the two of you will start making preparations to marry."

It flipped me right out. In my mind I said, "Oh no, no! I can't marry him," and I ended our relationship with brutal force. "We're over, don't call me, don't speak to me, if you see me in the street cross the street."

He made me feel unsure of my importance in his life when we were together and left me alone far too much for me to believe in his intentions. (And I like being alone) It was only through my friends that I learned how devastated he was and the depth of his feelings for me. But it was far too late. Didn't he win the lottery two months after I broke off with him! Too funny.

I guess the reason why he cropped up in my thoughts in relation to my dream and this stream of consciousness writing is that I'm feeling unsure about what's going to happen next except that I know something is going to happen next. When I feel unsure I will run to the other side of the world to get away from that feeling and the subsequent anxiety and sometimes I create a little carnage in my wake.

I'm not used to staying, I'm used to moving and leaving stuff behind like it never happened. I'm trying to learn how to sit it out if just for the story aspect of it. It'll probably take me a few tries before I can stay still and I guess I'll see what happens with the black guy, we have a big chasm to get through since my first impression of him was, "Ooh, he's a Bitch!"

EY

Maybe She doesn't like Betty Boop
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Down Here in Hell with you - Van Hunt
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Saturday 3:08pm 2Sept06

Been up since 6am. I tried to post both last night and this morning and my Betty Boop kept crashing on Safari. Maybe she doesn't like the name Betty Boop. Don't know what else to call her, she's white.
My old imac was named Appolonia Bluebell Mackenzie because she was blue. Spent the bulk of the day backing up every document and reorganizing my zip disks for optimum use and trashing anything possible off my ibook. Her folders are bare. We'll see how she acts then the next resort is to do a reinstall and put her back to her original out of the box self. I've got a couple downloads that I can't trash so that may be the only way to get rid of them. I can't trash the Final Draft Demo (I never use it plus I have the full version of Dramatica anyway.) I also can't trash the installer icon for my scanner nor put it in a folder. sigh! I'm sure there is other stuff that I can get rid of that I haven't realized yet.

I burned the rest of my itune purchases onto disks so that I don't lose all that when I do the reinstall which will most likely happen (the losing and the reinstalling). I also burned about 20 CD's for my best-friend in Montreal. Since I told him two weeks ago that I was going to send he and his girlfriend some stuff. I had the greatest of intentions to do it two weeks ago and my plans changed. Now I just have to figure out the best way to package them.

I've been jamming Van Hunt's song, "Down Here in Hell with You," over and over. Sometimes lyrics get right to the heart of the matter...

I really love it when, I love it when we make mistakes.
Because once again, it gives me a reason to complain,
I love the battle lines, the battle lines we draw when crossing the mud
I love it when we fight, standing on the verge of breaking up or making love

What would I do if we were perfect,
where would I go for disappointment.
Love without pain would leave me wondering why I stayed.

I think of saving myself,
but with nothing to complain about up in heaven,
what will I do
I think of saving myself,
but I really want to work it out
down here in hell with you


Yeah, those lyrics are speaking to me today and making me laugh and of course groove.

Safari is treating me fine currently. Don't know if I'll bother to post my missed messages from last night and this morning. It was only more angst about men. Do we really need more of that? How far down into hell do I want to go with you? I really do over think things sometimes. Maybe I'll just add them into my journal and call it a day. I'm about ready for a nap anyway.

EY

Frustration
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Changed my mind... Here is last night's post.
Friday 11:51pm 1Sept06

Had a work day filled with frustrations today. Ended up giving a co-worker shit. I hate when I do that but sometimes I can't keep my thoughts to myself. There's enough frustrations and then when you don't work as a team, well, it pisses me off.

I ended up leaving early today, which is what our company allows on long weekend Fridays. Didn't I promptly come home and pass out for three hours? Where'd that come from? Haven't done that in awhile. Frustration does exhaust me.

Been thinking a lot about forcing things that don't fit. Well, more like forcing people that don't fit. What is it about us humans? I think someone is cute. I pursue it a little. I realize that our timing with each other is way off. We just don't really mesh. But there is that part of me that loves a challenge. There's a couple things. The writer in me wants to know the end of the story. What is the story going to be? What is the story? And there is the challenge, what do I need to do to get what I want? What do I have to say? How much do I pursue with a seeming lack of pursuit?

When I was younger, I liked it better when I met a guy that wasn't interested in me right off. I preferred it when a guy got to know me and then discovered that he liked me and then dated me and then loved me. Those have always been my best and long term relationships. To know me is to love me. The outward persona is completely different from the inward me.

I have been too obsessively focused on this lately. But it is something that I need to focus on more. My love life has always taken a back seat. I've had childhood shit to deal with and family crises and figuring out how I was going to go from being in constant survival mode to something less adrenaline filled. Work always came before relationships, it was something I could control. All that emotional baggage, Oh Gawd, who can deal with that. My childhood was baggage. So now I'm looking to put a bit more focus on men and relationships, on dealing with my run away fears. Figure out what often gets me into trouble like the whole challenge thing.

When I was in love with my ex, who felt like the guy I wanted to marry, togetherness was easy. Compromising was a no brainer. I didn't care if I was the one that did all the compromising. He interested me and made me laugh and his gentleness made me realize that that was what I thought was the height of sexy... gentleness. Falling in love with him took me completely by surprise and so did the heart crunching break-up. There are not many people that you can feel that for. I get that. Like friends there aren't too many people that you really want to test out either. And that's the point, I think, If I move closer then run away in a two steps forward five steps back sort of deal should I just strike that option? If I have the roller coaster of emotions and the fluctuation of interest level should I just call it a day on that one?

EY

This Weekend
Mood:  not sure
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Friday 4:51am 1Sept06

I just remembered that it's the 3Day Novel Contest this weekend. 3 Day Novel link I'd like to try it one of these years but this year won't be the year. Will I be doing a fake 3 Day Novel contest like I did the fake blogathon? Not so much.

Had to roll my butt out of bed before I went back to sleep and chose to ignore all my alarms. It's just cold enough in here that I could do it. I closed all the windows last night before I went to bed otherwise I would have woken up with the shiver shakes in the middle of the night and would have to run around shutting windows and making my brr noises. I hate when that happens.

Quincy currently has the crazy cat runs where she runs back and forth like well, um, a crazy cat. Picasso is looking at her like she's such a child. Picasso seems to have amnesia about her own crazy cat condition. I've had my cats for so long now that I don't tell the great cat stories that I used to. When my mother was still alive she used to call me and ask, "How's the girls?" in hopes of a new cat story. That's when I still had my sweet cat Saki. That's when I would call the cat fights, artistic differences since they were all named after artists.

I've got 59 entries in my digital recorder so I'll have to transcribe them this weekend. Finish painting my kitchen, do some reading and some writing. Also time to decide on some columns for my EY page and set up a schedule. I've had a few lax weeks again maybe a little too focused on the cute men in my sphere? Trying too hard to do everything. sigh!

Anyway with the back to school air, I need to do some sort of reorganization and get into a good routine. By the time IFOA hits in October I'll have a couple full weeks and will need to be on my game. IFOA is ten days and I'll be taking 8 days off work for it, so I'll be writing during the day. Once IFOA is done I'll then be off to the Canscaip writing conference on November 4th, I think it is. And the month of November is Nanowrimo. I guess I better start contemplating which novel to work on for Nanowrimo this year. It would also be great if I could get White Wishes Book 1 out of the way before then. It's not like it can't be done, I've got most of Kali's chapters figured out just need to cut, but Rachel's chapters need to be fluffed up and written. Maybe I need to do a fake 3 Day novel contest for my WIP!

This shit is bananas B A N A N A S !

EY