Remembered Rapture
Topic: Freeflow
Sunday 9:45pm 26Nov06

I didn't mention all the books that I bought at the World's Biggest. I also bought two books by bell hooks. I bought "Wounds of Passion - a writing life" and "Remembered Rapture - the writer at work."

Remembered Rapture is what I'm reading. It brings me back to my beginning. When I first started to write. The lack of understanding of why I'd want to write. Drawing was more palatable, made most sense. Why would you write? What purpose does it serve? Asked in a house full of readers. Because from me it could never amount to anything.

No one understood my need to be heard. I couldn't express out loud how the family changes affected me. These two new step sisters who switched me from the youngest child to the middle child and the oldest girl overnight. These two new step sisters that I had to keep happy to avoid punishment. This step father that I deeply suspected couldn't stand me. He wanted the thrill of the black woman and what possessing her meant but the black daughter?

I was burdened by constantly feeling not good enough. The competitive comparisons that were bandied about as proof that I was less.

Debbie saying to my mother about we three Pisces, "Shelley's not a sensitive Pisces like us." Because I didn't cry about it in front of her. I didn't fight and argue to get my point across. I remained silent and watchful. No one had noticed that I had shut down. I was drowning in the realization that I had no power. I had to bide my time and grow up. When I was an adult I'd have the power to leave.

In the meantime I wrote childish love poems that hid my hurt and despair. Love poems were the coded writings for what I was feeling, the slow anger rising in me, the words rehearsed in my head. For that one day that I blurted out what I thought about them. Who knew I was to deal with my step father first? Hmm and never have contact with that one step sister for my whole adult life (other than at my mother's funeral.)

I never believed I'd have the guts to stand feet planted, eye contact in line, mouth without a stutter and hear my voice say that they hadn't crushed me whole...

I feel I need to dig out that false belief that told me I had no right to think I'd be any good , I had no right to think that writing could be my life option. I have so much pain surrounding my need to write and somewhere deep within me I'm still fighting the familial demons that promised me that I'd amount to nothing.

This is why I needed to buy those books.

EY

Michael Richards
Topic: Clueless
I can deal with Nigger. The KKK image to me was worse. When you get into describing how you wish that it was 50 years ago and black people were strung up, how can anyone not think you're racist?

This Guy Has a Point

The hecklers probably should have just left. If he's not funny why sit there? Ask for your money back. Why eat a meal that's stank? Why pay for something that isn't quality but to berate someone and then wonder why he goes off?

People always comment when I complain about a shitty meal and send it back. What else am I supposed to do, eat shit and happily pay for it? No I send it back. And if a waiter/waitress is an ass about it, I don't tip them. There are ways to deal with complaints in a civilized society. Only a dumb ass sits through a stand up routine that he hates and heckles the comic with no signs of stopping for not having the same sense of humour as him. I never did get the point of heckling. Both sides were wrong.

You shouldn't have used the N word Michael, (said in a Chris Rock growl), you know you wasn't right, BUT I UNDERSTAND!

EY

Did I find the Book?
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Saturday 9:26pm 25Nov06

Well, No! I didn't find the book. I dug for hours at the World's Biggest Bookstore. For some reason the name Plutarch kept going through my mind but I didn't follow up on it.
Somehow I got to thinking about Zen Buddhism and writing. That seemed to feel closest to the no name book from my dreams.
I got another Natalie Goldberg book, Thunder and Lightning. I looked for, Writing Down the Bones, that I used to have and lent to my friend Jamie but it wasn't available and I doubt that Jamie still has it. But I pulled out her other two books that I have, Wild Mind and Long Quiet Highway.

I also bought a couple books by Gail Sher, another practicing Zen Buddhist. Her books are One Continuous Mistake, and the Intuitive Writer. I somehow feel like I have another book by her but damned if I can find it in my mondo collection. So Zen Buddhism and writing. Zen Buddhism being about practice, sitting. Somehow that's something that I've pulled out of my dream with me. Makes the most sense anyway. It also makes me look at the books I already have.

So I pull out my new books and some old ones and have a wee sip of late autumn Riesling and have a peaceful night.

Flavor of Love has a season 2. It's the train wreck that I have to watch accidentally on purpose. Gagging when women french kiss Flavor Flav. Cracking up when he talks and holds a piece of fried chicken, Kentucky Fried Chicken at that. Just not right. The women getting into fist fights. The women crying when they don't get the clock. Lord have mercy, if I ever wanted to be on television so badly that I'd line up with 16 or so women, some of them quite hot, shaking my booty, french kissing a man like Flavor Flav and talking about how he's my man... just shoot me! But in the meantime I watch and laugh and gag and scream, because I can. Only if I catch it when it's on mind you, I'm not taping it.

EY

Up and At Em
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Saturday 25Nov06 6:45am

I've been up since 4:30am. I was going to laze myself back to sleep but I had a dream that I had to write down. In my dream I was at a library that was in a renovated mansion. After I signed up to be a member, Kelly recommended a book on writing that I should get. She also told me to choose a pen name to use for the honest writing, for the writing that I may censor if I were to write under my given name. "Think about what pen name you'd like to have." She said.

Of course I can't remember the name of the book that she recommended but I know what it looks like. I don't know why I never really take a good look in my dream world. In my wake life, I'd have read the front cover, back cover, written the title down. Why don't I do that in my dreams? Any how I'm waiting for the book store to open to look for it. I've already gone through all my books hoping that I might have it. Ha ha! It's possible! I feel like I've seen the book before. Possibly the Omega centre carried it but of course the Omega Centre is no longer. sigh! It's nice to have my dream give me permission to buy a book. ha ha! As I've said before, I can justify any book purchase. It's going to save my life! ha ha.

Missing Again
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Friday 7:50pm 24Nov06
Not much to say. It was a super busy week at work and I'm a little wiped. My feet are sore, my body is sluggish, my brain is tired. What can you do?

Bad timing with my friend this week so we chatted a lot on the phone but not much face time. Much laughter either way you slice it but face time is always better. Nice to witness the reaction to my comments.

I haven't remembered a dream all week if not longer. I wonder what's up with that. Last night, one of my boys called me and woke me up to hopefully fix a problem at work. The best part is when I checked my message from him I was thinking, is he calling to go for a beer? Can I get myself together to go? Well maybe if it's close by. ha ha! He called my cell phone and It took me all the rings before I realized what that strange sound was. No one ever calls my cell because I give the number to so few people. It's a true testament about how much I love my guys because most of them have my number including my two bosses. At my old job, people tried to get it but never succeeded.

the Zelda kitty has been tormenting Picasso still. She never backs down much to Picasso's horror. She's still so gentle with Zelda which amazes me. I had to actually squirt Zelda last night so she'd give Picasso a break.

Christmas is a month away so I guess my social schedule will fatten up again. Last year it was out of control. I went out almost every night in December, had three work parties and still managed to make it to Montreal for Christmas. This year is my Christmas so I'm staying in the big T.O. with the crazy kitties cocooning and cooking my turkey and writing and reading and just being a lazy bum. Do you believe there is no holiday after New Year's until April? That's just rough. Rough!

Does anybody set New Year's resolutions? I don't. I set goals for the year around my birthday. I set simple goals for this year, investing wise and getting my patron membership for IFOA and writing more. With starting the two blogs this year, I've upped the writing quotient, still need to work on the completing of the novel. Still a few more months before my next birthday and the goals will move on from there. One big thing was to get to meet new people and I really have met people in droves this year. It's been stimulating. It's been nice to share my so called words of wisdom with people and have them not take advantage of that. That has been a huge relief. Nothing more exhausting then people who want to burden you with all their problems all the damn time.

Yeah, so I really don't have much to say. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tonight I'll turn my cell phone off. Maybe tonight I'll dream. Maybe tonight miss Zeldooch will fall asleep when we all do instead of running amok and driving Picasso crazy. Maybe.

EY