Topic: Connections
This Morning's post
Saturday 6am 2Sept06
Dreamed that I was waiting outside in a grassy field and people started coming toward me out of nowhere in a field of dreams way.
We were all dressed up for a wedding. Most of the people I was going to meet came toward me with huge grins. Then I noticed Tom Cruise (yeah that one) come toward me but he couldn't get near me because all these other people stopped him to say Hello and thank him for coming and then they shooked Katie Holmes' hand and she had on that perma grin that she has.
Tom Cruise got this massive camera ready as the music began. The music was a funky New Orleans jazz number that was surprisingly piped through. You'd think there'd be a band. These black folk danced down the aisle to the music. The fifth or sixth person was the bride in a white and violet laced number that was beautiful. Tom Cruise took pictures of the wedding party under the tent.
A woman in the wedding party asked my mother if they were related, then said, "you look like my relative."
She lead my mother and I inside the restaurant entrance at the end of the tent and placed us in a booth beside the wedding party.
A guy came over to our booth to say hi to us. (He was the black guy that works in my work building that I had a bad first impression of and wondered if I should reconsider a few postings ago.)
He told me that he would get me back to Toronto when it was time to leave since my mom had asked him and she thought since we're both single, we'd like to get to know each other. I agreed with brooding shyness and looked over at my mom who smiled with Cheshire cat deviousness. After he left, I gave her half hearted heck for setting me up. She made a comment that she didn't know how to parent anymore because I'd become so independent as an adult and she needed to feel like she could still fix things for me if I'd only come to her.
I apologized for breaking her heart when I went through my teenage rebellion in my late 20's. My mother died when I was 32. I told her that I always loved her through all the pain I'd caused her and that I wish she would come to me more often.
"I'm asking you to come more. I need a mom more than ever."
She said, "I haven't always been sure that you still loved me."
End of Dream
I had a disturbed restless sleep last night, well this morning, I went to bed at 2am. I felt almost half awake and half asleep for a good two hours. There was this energy underneath me that kept me awake. It felt almost as if I could feel the turning of a ceiling fan coming through my floor and through my bed. I've felt that sensation twice this week and actually wondered if my downstairs neighbours have a ceiling fan. Then I realize that thought is ridiculous and notice my heart rate is high. I seem to be having some mild anxiety.
My mom has been popping up in my dreams more frequently lately. Or there is a reference or thought of her as I try to go see her in Montreal. At least we're still connected as we get closer to the 10th year of her death which comes up in December.
The Set-up: It's funny because whenever I've Dreamed about a guy who I know in my real life and there is a romantic possibility or entanglement in my dream I've ended up going out with that person in real life. Every time.
I've Dreamed about other men that I know, of course, but have never had romantic entanglements with them in my dreams.
My Guyanese boyfriend that I went out with the first time when I was 28 years old, I'd Dreamed that he was my husband. We went out for 6 months the first time and a year the second time. He was 14 years older than me, a black guy with green eyes. We were both Pisces. I broke up with him abruptly when a psychic asked me, "who is the black man with the green eyes? If you two can get through this rough patch that will last about two more months the two of you will start making preparations to marry."
It flipped me right out. In my mind I said, "Oh no, no! I can't marry him," and I ended our relationship with brutal force. "We're over, don't call me, don't speak to me, if you see me in the street cross the street."
He made me feel unsure of my importance in his life when we were together and left me alone far too much for me to believe in his intentions. (And I like being alone) It was only through my friends that I learned how devastated he was and the depth of his feelings for me. But it was far too late. Didn't he win the lottery two months after I broke off with him! Too funny.
I guess the reason why he cropped up in my thoughts in relation to my dream and this stream of consciousness writing is that I'm feeling unsure about what's going to happen next except that I know something is going to happen next. When I feel unsure I will run to the other side of the world to get away from that feeling and the subsequent anxiety and sometimes I create a little carnage in my wake.
I'm not used to staying, I'm used to moving and leaving stuff behind like it never happened. I'm trying to learn how to sit it out if just for the story aspect of it. It'll probably take me a few tries before I can stay still and I guess I'll see what happens with the black guy, we have a big chasm to get through since my first impression of him was, "Ooh, he's a Bitch!"
EY
