Mish Mash
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Sunday 10:25pm 27Aug06

Went to weigh myself today. As I don't have a scale at home, I went to the pool. I've lost 10lbs. I want to lose 30lbs in total. It will happen.

I ended up swimming for a half hour since I was at the pool and I had my bathing suit with me. I carried some juice with me for my juice fast. Overall my juice fast went okay. I just didn't drink enough juice but I'll carry a boatload of juice with me tomorrow with my salad for lunch and make up for my wishy washyness.

I decided to walk after my swim and ended up down at Harbourfront to see my girlfriend. I ran into CBC radios Jowi (same as Joey) Taylor, whom I love. When we worked together ten years ago, he was above me and really didn't have to pay me any attention. He saw me working outside in the stifling heat and said, "You need a chair. You don't have a chair," and came back with one of those movie directors chairs for me. I've loved him ever since.

Well, anyway, he was at Harbourfront with a Six String Nation guitar that is made of pieces from all over Canada with pieces of wood from such celebrities as Pierre Trudeau (his canoe paddle) and Wayne Gretzky (piece of his hockey stick) and Maurice "Rocket" Richard (Gold from his Stanley Cup Ring of 1955-56). Any way Jowi had a whole thing set up where you could have your picture taken with the guitar. He dragged me to have my picture taken with it. Believe it or not, I'm quite camera shy but if Jowi asks, well, I don't say yes I just do it. So at some point all the pictures that were taken will be on the website... Six String Nation
I even got a six string guitar pick for my troubles. Very cool!

While waiting to have my picture taken, Jowi asked me if I played guitar and I said no. He said he didn't either but wished he could. Yeah, I said, it takes discipline. Jowi looked at me and smiled and then we got into this big rant about our shared lack of discipline. I love Jowi!

While swimming I had an interesting incident. It's funny because I always think I'm in peoples way or I'm lame. It's automatic. When I swim, I like to play around and swim at the bottom of the pool until my breath runs out. I push myself up from the swimming pool floor with my feet to grab some air and then I zoom back down to the bottom of the pool. I do it because I like to be out of the way of the real swimmers that do their disciplined laps and because I like to test how long I can stay under without coming up for air. I think I'm lame because I don't do the proper laps like 'normal' swimmers. But once I get past feeling lame and self-conscious that all the other swimmers think I'm lame I have fun.

One of the swimmers caught me at the edge of the pool and said, "Can you teach me how to do that?"
"huh?"
"Swimming at the bottom of the pool. I can't swim at the bottom of the pool, I always float up to the top."

I was stunned. Here I think I'm lame and some one thinks what I do is better than just swimming laps. sigh! I don't know why I always think I'm so lame. I've got to stop doing that to myself and relax a little.

Back at Harbourfront, I waited for my girlfriend to finish work and we went for a beer. Well, she had the beer and I (I'm very proud to say) drank Cranberry juice and a glass of water. I love beer. I love more types of beer than I don't. I didn't even bat an eye or hem and haw about not ordering beer. Just knew I couldn't so I didn't. Every once in awhile I do have some discipline.

EY

No Idea
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Shake it Off - Mariah Carey
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Saturday 11:13pm 26Sep06

Feeling a little down but I realize it's about my thoughts so I just need to focus on other things. My juice fast today was a bit of a fiasco as I didn't drink much. No appetite. Tomorrow is another day. I'll do better.

Started painting my kitchen today. I don't know how I manage to get more paint on myself than on the walls. Peculiar. But despite my splotched skin, the kitchen is looking nicer. Will finish tomorrow.

Flipped through my astrology books to read up on a couple signs. Sometimes I need the reassurance. Seems the Cancer man I'm compatible with and the Aquarius man will drive me crazy. I already knew that from the experiences/conversations with them ... One never knows.

Not too much to say.

I need a grand gesture. I need a big shift in my life. Right now dammit. I guess I need patience.

Lord grant me patience but I need it right now!

EY

What's a Girl to do?
Mood:  surprised
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Friday 8:13pm 25Aug06

I used to hang out with a couple gay men that insisted on invited me over whenever they had these two straight women that I couldn't stand. On two separate occasions both of the women, when discussing men in their lives said, "He's intimidated by me."
And they went on with some lame reasoning as to why this specific man and all men were intimidated by them. My eyes rolled in my head as I thought, "Please, their silence isn't an indication of their intimidation, it's an indication of their boredom."
You don't tell people that you intimidate them, they tell you that you intimidate them. That's the only way that you know.

One of the contractors asked me to join him on his coffee break today and as I left, my workmate said, "Don't scare him."
I chuckled and went for coffee.

Later on in the day I asked, "Do I scare men? How do I scare men?"
He took a few moments to find his words and explained that because I'm so assertive in the office and that my expectations are so high I scare men off that are actually interested in me. I can be dismissive when a man is too slow. This is true. I back away before a man can get his bearings, his guts, his balls to say what he really wants to say. This is true. And a few other examples that escape me now or I just don't want to discuss or remember?

I am one woman that works with all men. I work with men that swear, men that are aggressive, men that can come across as belittling because I'm a woman and they expect to deal with a man. Men that will often not acknowledge my existence until they discover that they have to go through me before they can go any further. I have men that stand with the doors open while the building chillers noise rages in the office and then give me dirty looks when I ask them to close the doors. It's that, "were you born in a barn?" syndrome.

I have no problems with it. I speak up. I make it clear that if they think I'm some little damsel that will run crying as soon as they bark that they have me confused with some damsel that will run crying as soon as they bark.

My work life is seeping into my personal life. My attitude is (with silent finger snapping) get to the point. I'm busy, you're busy let's not waste eachother's time. Apparently that intimidates men.
My work mate told me that men need to know the real you, that you are compassionate and sensitive and caring.

Everything has been bearing down on my mind, in my thoughts. He is right, I am a ball breaker at work. How do I balance that out? I do approach most situations with the thought in the back of mind that if I'm not tough I'll be stepped on. It's a given.

But talking from that standpoint tells me that I'm coming from a place of fear. The fear of things I've let go by in the past and never spoke up about. The fear of people getting too close and wearing me out. I'm a caretaker whether I like it or not and I know what kind of exhaustion I've suffered from being a caretaker. It's how I got depressed. I don't want to take in too many people for fear that they will be the same as all the others, the ones that come to me for every crisis they suffer and not so real crises. I am afraid that I will spend the rest of my life being the sounding board for everyone's troubles with no time for my own happiness. So I make it almost impossible for the majority of people to get in to my inner core. My real me. Sigh!

How to do this thing called life? The pendulum swings from too nice to too harsh and slowly gets to the middle. In the coming weeks (years?) I'll search for the middle. My coworker is one of the few people I trust to tell me the truth about me, offer constructive criticism, not say things in a hurtful way. That's what got me thinking...

EY

Don't Wake Me, I'm Dreaming
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Friday 5:40pm 25Aug06

With extra hours of sleeping comes a whole whack of dreams.

I dreamt that I had an admirer that was following me everywhere. I was stranded at the airport supposed to be going home to Montreal for Christmas to see my mother. The admirer was thrilled to have this extra time with me. He so wasn't my type but I didn't want to stomp on him just because I wasn't interested in him. So I was very nice to him but non committed.

In another dream, I met with Kardinal Offishall and he claimed to remember me on Canadian Idol (ha ha). He flirted with me and smiled a whole lot. I don't think he ever smiled on the much music VJ search. For some odd reason, he was really hot in my dreams (I didn't know he could be hot). I was looking forward to our first date and to making him wait with excruciating patience for my hmm sweet stuff (ha ha).

So apparently, I'm going to be letting down some not so secret admirer gently and then having a big love affair with Kardinal Offishall and I'm going to like it.

Maybe tonight, I'll stay up late..

EY

Sleepy time
Mood:  lazy
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
6:53pm Thursday 24Aug06

I'm about ready to climb face first into bed. It's a nice cool early evening with a slight breeze blowing through my curtains. It feels like the beginnings of fall when the pace slows down and we get back to a regular routine.

I'm taking this last minute opportunity to be lazy and lie under a thin blanket with a whack of puffy pillows and write my, "what I did last summer" essay in my head as I nod off.

EY