Crushed
Topic: R-Dead Television Report
Sunday 1:49pm 19Nov06

ML - "I'm starting to have feelings for Tony Soprano"
Paola - "You mean James Gandolfini?"
ML - "No, I mean Tony Soprano."
Paola - "But Sweetie, he's a television character, not a real person."
ML - "I know!"

So I totally have a thing for Cake, the lead character on Rent a goalie. He's a guys guy. He's in love with Franny and drives himself crazy trying not to acknowledge his feelings because it would make things too complicated. He will get naked with hockey skates and hockey helmet to win a bet. He has no issues about his man hood. He will put on makeup and outfit that makes him look gay to prove a point. Will get caught by his mates and admit to having makeup on but won't admit to being part of an 80's new wave group. In the end, he always does the right thing. Even if he looks like a fool.

Yeah I know he's a television character but he still does it for me...
EY

A Change is Gonna Come
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Sunday 19Nov06 1:07pm

Been crying off and on all weekend. Not the depressed kind of crying but more like I'm releasing pent up unacknowledged emotions. It first started with an episode of Felicity that I didn't even watch all of.
In the episode Felicity is caught in a fire and as she is rescued by Noel she looks back at all her art burning up. I guess it was finally time for me to cry about all my writing that I accidentally deleted. Now that I'm really working on White Wishes and it's finally coming together. I can finally acknowledge that it was difficult to lose it and that I can over come the loss. It takes more than a minute though.

The other thing that made me cry was Noel trying to move forward with his life. He's been seeing a therapist and decides while in session that he can't always be there for Felicity when she needs to be rescued. He can't always be there for her when she is sad about her problems with Ben and wants Noel to be her best friend despite knowing full well that Noel is in love with her. After the fire she asks him to come in (to her apartment) to keep her company and he says no. She puts on the sad eyes and all but begs him and he sticks to his guns. I know exactly how Noel feels. How you want to be there for people that you genuinely care for but it does get to a point where they are stopping you from moving forward with what you are here to do with your own life. Especially if you're in love with the person.

People will take advantage of you not always on purpose but they just take for granted that you will drop everything for them. That you'll sit and wait around until they decide, sometimes out of obligation, to throw you a bone of attention. Sometimes that attention is only because they want to tell you about the bad stuff. They need a listening ear. You know for sure who those people are because they make half assed plans with you, "yeah I'll meet you on Tuesday." But they neglect to tell you when or where and you have to follow up to find out.

I've finally reached the point, it's taken years mind you, where if someone calls me to make half assed plans I no longer make the next phone call to follow up. If I don't know for sure that we're going to meet, then we're not meeting. WTF! Who decided I was so unimportant that I was okay with sitting around? Oh yeah, I did! ha ha. I've finally changed that.

Aspects of my life have been a mess for months and yet I feel like all the negativity is burning off. Fall down seven times, get up eight. That has also been making me cry this weekend. I really finally feel like I have a foothold. There's always going to be something that's a piece of poop but I have to set my boundaries and stick to them. Know where I need to go to seek sanctuary and realize that I have to take that time, no matter what else is going on in anyone else's life. I can't donate money to charity if I have no money and more importantly I can't take care of everybody else if I haven't given myself the time and the focus that I need.

I'm still trying to figure out what it is/was exactly that possessed me to grow up and become this pseudo Saviour of lost souls putting all my needs on the back burner. Someone asked me the other night why I'd never married and I gave my flip answer that I have commitment issues. It really is far more long and drawn out than that but part of it is that I've never really focused on my life being too consumed with bending over for every one else. It's a form of escapism. It's an excuse not to move forward.

Coming into my own, cleaning up my cluttered mind and crying a little. Pisces girlfish at her best.

EY

Nanowrimo progress
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: The Right Kind of Lover - Patti Labelle
Topic: Writing Challenges
Friday 10:01pm 17Nov06

I've creaked past 14,000 words. I'm way behind schedule but clipping into the 4th chapter. I'm pretty tired and ready to go down for the night. I can still make it to 50,000 words before the end of the month but I've got to keep the butt in chair and type like a fiend. Bopping my head to some high energy music especially when I hit the sad and depressing scenes in the novel. Man that shit can set me into some serious avoidance.

I've got several notes to self within the novel telling me what I need to add. Just trying to stay organized and focused. I'll have to procrastinate on procrastinating, if you know what I mean.

Where's the laundry service, chef, housekeeper and all the other people to take care of my stuff when I need it? I'm just wondering.
Of course I've got my yearly evaluation due for work on Monday. That bad boy is detailed and all consuming. I wonder when exactly I'm going to fit that all in. It's gotta be done.

EY

The Right One
Now Playing: Yusef Islam
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Friday 5:35pm 17Nov06
We're at the home stretch before Mercury turns direct. Thankfully it hasn't been my worse Mercury Retrograde. But then it's been in Scorpio which is a water sign like Pisces which is my sign. I don't think it's so bad when it's in your own element. All of next year's retrogrades continue in water signs with the next one starting just before my birthday. I've noticed with the retrogrades this year and specifically the one that started the day after my birthday that what is affecting me has been timing. If I want to see someone or speak to someone I just miss him or her. Oh well.

Happy to be sitting at home with the prospect of full laziness although I know I need to do some major writing given I was out the last couple nights and didn't get much done when I did get home.
I'm still perturbed about not recalling whether I said good night to Fredo Wednesday night. I saw him briefly today and he told me that I did in fact say good night and we did hug. Peculiar.

So in keeping with Fredo and what I do remember about Wednesday night, I do remember that he said that he does want to get married but wants to marry the right girl. Yeah, the right one. I hope you find her and give me some hope.

Although there is a couple that does provide me with lots of hope, Hugs and Bon Bon. Bon Bon kissed a few frogs before she got her princely hubby, Hugs. In fact she and I have the same ex. She went out with him for 2 years, I went out with him for 2 months. She's got a good thing now, a really loving, expressive union. It's really nice to be around them because it's not that showy kind of love that you feel is fake. Whenever I'm around them I feel ready to commit to the right man and wonder where I even begin to look and is it that simple?

I know with Hugs and Bon Bon, after knowing each other through work for years, they had a conversation one day and realized a spark, something clicked. On their first date they talked about the serious things - what they believed in, what they wanted out of life, how they wanted to spend their days and nights and if I remember correctly pretty much got engaged that night. Sometimes it's about timing which brings me back to mercury retrograde and how it's been affecting my timing.

Maybe the bad timing is here to teach me a deeper sense of patience. Maybe I already know the right person and I haven't woken up to him yet. In the meantime, I go to the bar for Fredo hugs (after much verbal abuse) I might as well just become a regular, sucker for punishment that I so clearly am. I get the bouts of laughter and flirtation from my friend. Ant brings out my philosophical qualities, my depth pours out because he gives me a safe place to say what I really think about deep down without me having to cover it up with humour. And though it isn't everything it's certainly a step in the right direction. Step by step by step.

And I say once again Fredo, I hope you find what you're looking for and maybe I will too.

EY

Escaped
Now Playing: Anthony David - Ain't Enough for me
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Thursday 7:38pm 16Nov06

Just got in. Feel like listening to music. Managed to escape the drinking animals both last night and tonight. Last night after working a bit late I called the Friend to see if he was still in the building and met up for a beer. We managed to crack each other up the whole time we were together which is our norm.

Since he was technically still on the clock he had to go back to work and I had another couple beer. Ended up talking to one of the regulars and making him cry. Too cute. It's amazing how we beat ourselves up repeatedly about stuff from the past. I told him that tonight I am your guardian angel to tell you it's okay, you did the best that you could and there are benefits to what you've given your children in equal proportion to the quote unquote voids. That's what made him cry.

Funny I had a black out period from last night. I have absolutely no recollection of saying good bye/good night to Fredo the bartender. Did I say good bye? Did I hug him? I can't recall. The period from leaving the bar, riding up the escalator to getting outside I can't recall. I'd email and ask but knowing full well he won't respond why ask the questions that won't be answered. Too funny though that I remember standing outside talking to the Friend and cracking up. Very bizarre. Very episode of Heroes!

Went out again this evening with The gooseman and his friend that I'm not a real fan of so I called the evening short and rushed home to my cats. Supposed to have Yan Yan over on Saturday night but since he hasn't set a time I feel he may back out or I might. Who knows.

The boys are almost over calling me young man. It'll be two weeks on Saturday since I shaved my hair. My boss has stopped introducing me as his "new girl." Silly boys. Most of the contractors have asked, "What did you do?" Too funny. It might be time hurt someone just cuz.

I confessed to the friend that I am a drunk dialer. I call people when I'm drunk. More recently I've been drunk emailing which a bit safer, I think, in that I don't wake anyone. So he's expecting a proclamation of my undying love one night when I'm drunk. Yeah AD, I'll get right on that but you have to say it first, ha ha! Cut from the same cloth, we two fools!

Okay well I'm off to sing for my cats and not drunk dial nor drunk email and possibly get to bed at a godly hour. Decided to read Wicked instead of Mac-kers since I only have the complete works of Shakespeare and that sucker is way too heavy to be carrying around.
over and out...

EY