And Me
Topic: Another Entry
9:35am Saturday 4Aug07

With my power struggling frustrations of the last couple weeks and my newest affirmation, I basically came home each day and rewrote my goals to have a more serious focused sense of urgency. Back in the day when I was more worried about work I would have gone out and found another job (and that's not totally out of the question) but these days I feel it's more about my passion. And not in a Tour de France doping scandals cheating kind of passion. Had to add that in.

I've given myself a new weekend goal of five hours of writing before I can go outside to play. If I'm a lazy ass and it takes me all day to get those 5 hours done, well, it sucks to be me.

I am going to get back into checking out the classifieds in the Saturday Star just to see what's out there. You never know, I could end up finding a job that enables me to write more. You have to always be on the lookout in order to be prepared.

I went for a beer Wednesday night because I knew I needed to just sit for a minute before I came home. My plan was to come home and call Montreal to talk to my male bestfriend and chat and laugh. I'm always guaranteed that he will make me laugh. But somehow Wednesday at the bar turned out to be just what I needed. Bartender boy handed me a slice of blueberry pie the moment I came in. Blueberry pie is my favorite. Especially since the blueberry pie craving of 1999 when I ate at least a half a pie for about three months. But I digress.

I chatted with one regular until she left then slid down the bar and chatted with another regular. I had my mingle on. My golfer buddy who is also from Montreal sauntered in and I ended up sitting with him at his table and told him my power struggle story and we flipped back and forth between that and discussing our passions and talking about wasted time and energy and the lack of money and how it can get you so down about yourself and on and on. Everytime it looked like I might be leaving, he bought me another beer. He totally was my surrogate best friend and saved me the long distance call.

And with all that, I'm reminded, that even when it feels like shit is pouring down on you and making you feel stinky, there are sweet little miracles that happen too. People that come out of the woodwork who really hear what you are saying rather than steamrolling you with all their interests. And men! Can I just say that I have seen three of the best looking men I've ever seen in my life and have had conversations with them. That's always a pleasant surprise. A miracle really.

One of the hot men sent me on my way to work yesterday with a spring in my step. I ran into him at the depanneur and he approached me and looked at me like he could have sucked all the meat off my bones. ha ha! It was a nice feeling because he'd remembered me from four years ago and he wasn't looking at me in a gross dirty way and he didn't push it. He told me I looked great then gave my whole body the perusal that spoke volumes. Ah what the heck, yelled volumes. and I liked it. I tell you some guys know how to make you feel like a desirable woman wtihout pushing limits.

And in passing I mentioned to Jojo that I didn't know if I'd make it out over the last couple nights because I was feeling spent and needed to come home and lick my wounds. My girl, kept the contact on high, "do you need me? do you need anything? what can I do for you that'll help?"
And she called me last night when I got home just to make sure that being alone was what I really needed. I promised that I'd be better today and would go and see her (after my five hours of writing of course). Which guarantees a big squishy hug that cracks a few of my bones. ha ha! But it's needed and greatly appreciated.

With the shit storm, It's so nice to know that I have some good supportive people around me.

Anyhow, it's Caribana weekend and I don't quite feel up to the rollerblade over to Jamieson nor the crowds. But it's beautiful weather and my AC has taken the humidity out of my apartment and my cats are nuts but funny and I'm off for 5 days. That's 25 hours of writing, if not more.

Hmm. And I'm craving chicken wings again. I made chicken wings two times this week and am planning to make some more today. ha ha.

EY

Blogathon apologies
Topic: WC - Blogathon
Well I have to apologize for my lame entries of last week for the blogathon. I know last year I was a lot more fun and tried a few different things and even went so far as to do my faux blogathon for 12 hours.

I honestly thought that I'd pick up steam at some point last week but the steam evaporated and well, nothing happened.

Maybe next year, but who knows. But thanks for all those who came over to the Writing Zazen side in hopes that I'd be someone interesting.

Especially you Lolo, because you thought it was fun last year and were probably all hyped for more fun that didn't come through. ha ha!

Speaking of Lolo, she sent a very funny email yesterday with her apologies for not being the great emailer that she'd claimed she was going to be. It's okay, it's like quitting smoking, it's easier to talk about it and not quite as easy to follow through.

Any way, I wanted to publish the exceptionally funny (made me laugh for at least a good minute) portion of her email because anyone who has read me for more than a minute has read my mentions of my fair Grinny Lolo.

Grinny Lolo in her own words from Korea :
"On another note, it's come to my attention recently just how unobservant I've been on this trip. Whereas when I was in Japan I walked around all wide eyed asking questions about each and everything I saw, I sort of just focus on what I recognize here, and ignore what I don't. For example, there is this restaurant on the first floor of the building that I work in. It always smells really horrible, and puts me in a fairly bad mood, as my sense of smell is so keen. However, it never even occurred to me to find out what kind of restaurant it is, rather I just make an effort to hold my breath well in advance of walking in it's vincinity. Well, after walking by it for over 3 months, I've come to learn that it is a DOG restaurant....yuck yuck yuck, I've been breathing in the scent of cooked dog, and I didn't even know it! It smells repulsive for those of you that are curious! It doesn't smell like anything I've smelt before, so I can't liken it to anything for you. My students claim that like everything else it tastes like chicken...puke puke puke!!!! I have to say though, that there appears to be a 50/50 split between the people who eat dog and the ones who don't.

Dog is eaten primarily in the summer, as it's said to improve stamina. Because the hot/humid weather is so draining, Koreans down some dog soup to combat the fatigue. I think I'll stick to naps thank you very much ;-) Like with other meats, domestic is cheaper, and the imported stuff is more expensive. The majority of my students haven't tried the imported dog because of its high cost, so they were unable to tell me if different breeds of dog taste different. Don't know why I asked...it's not like if they told me that Dalmation was particularly tasty, I would try it. I think I was trying to make polite conversation when I asked :-)"

It's not the blogathon but it's funnier than anything I wrote last weekend. Enough said.
EY

Power Struggling Leo
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
8:48am Saturday 4Aug07

Well, July Leo was all about power struggles. The person who took on the main Leo characteristic of wanting to be the king of the beasts was making a good go at beating me down and proving her point. It brought me back to my childhood, to some extent. I mostly didn't get it, why the one step sister was in such big competition with me, mostly because I wasn't in competition with her. I didn't get that she believed I had some sort of mysterious power that had she paid any real attention she would have seen that power was not one of the things I could have put on my list of stuff that belonged to me.

When I finally got mad in my late teenage years, I came into my own power but that took a good 6 years before I tried those shoes on and a good year before I could walk comfortably in those shoes.

As I look at present day power struggle, I realize that, a portion of it has to do with my looks. When people can't tell how old I am they have a tendency to think I'm 20 years younger than I am. When in a position of power, the people with the power treat a person of 23 years far different than a person of 43 years. And of course there is the assumption that I'm out partying all the time, which the people who don't know me well assume I'm doing. Plus I'm also, God forbid, not married. So clearly that means that I don't have the same level of seriousness as those childbearing marrieds. And finally, just like in childhood, I feel no need to prove myself nor set the record straight.

Believe what you want to believe about me. I feel no need to control your thoughts or perceptions.

As the one who wants the power puts on the pressure, camps are created and my everpresent predictions. If she fucks up she will have the rude awakening when no one covers her ass nor backs her up. I hope to see this prediction happen in Scorpio. Scorpio is such a great time for revenge. Scorpio's as a whole are the best people for remembering a slight and preparing for that one time when they can sting you to death. I'm not wishing this on her, mind you, I just know that it's inevitable. You can only step on so many toes for so long before all hell breaks loose.

And in the meantime, in order to cope, I've written myself a new affirmation:

I believe that the daily frustrations are the Universe's way of telling me to focus all my energy on my writing. Power struggles are a waste of time.

EY

Blogathon... again
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Well it's the blogathon again. Last year I stayed up and kept my friend Che of the shattered prayer company while she blogged. Plus I did my faux blogathon. Not sure how much I'll manage today as I'm not feeling well. But I'm here. Any extra posts will probably be at my Writing Zazen blog

And if any one comes by, go check out Che at the Shattered prayer and give her a shout out and better yet, donate some money.

EY

Incognito
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Friday 27July07

Seems I've been missing in action. I didn't realize that it's been a week since I've blogged. Hmm!

Well the wedding last Saturday was beautiful and a whole whack of fun. I got to see a number of friends that I used to work with at the Science Centre. People, for the most part, that I haven't seen in close to ten years. Tall Girl who has been in Newfoundland for close to ten years. VanJanDan who I did see last year but has been studying in New Mexico. I don't know why I always say Arizona. A brain fart, I guess. The bride who I haven't seen in about six years. It's all crazy how the time flies by and you look up and your this age and...
Good laughs though, good dancing and too much eating. I managed to keep my tears in check during the wedding but shed some big tears at the reception.

I bought Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on the Saturday morning before the wedding and read about a chapter and a half. It took me four days to read the whole novel simply because I was trying to savor it. It was a nice end, a meaningful end and the expected redemption happened which was deeper than I'd expected. No spoilers here because Lolo is on Book 4 and I'm sure there are other people who may pick them up one day. And we all know how I feel about the media slipping out spoilers.

Do I get into a rant about the Tour de France and the doping scandals? sigh! Why bother? Cheating to win at your so called passion. You guys suck! Vinokourov, Michael Rasmussen, you suck!

Frog legs graduated from cop bootcamp and I got to meet her family. Proceeded to maul her youngest neice for about a half hour. It's not even right how cute that kid is. Told her she was like my kitten who I must kiss about 8000 times a day and proceeded to kiss her cheek about 8000 times.

And my Facebook surprise. My high school best friend found me on facebook. We traded emails yesterday since I had plans last night and was too excited to save the conversation for the phone tonight. Laughed at the memories we both had flooded back about each other and the silly things we used to say.

We spoke voice to voice this evening and she read me some of the letters I wrote her. Seems I was quite the letter writer then. And I'm not all that different now from the teenager I was. Even then, I'd back away from the crowd to take a time out. Clearly, I come by that trait honestly. She said, after I'd told her some juicy family tidbits, that she'd only been to my house once. As I think about it, she had to have been my best friend to have ever seen the inside of my house. Very few of my high school friends had ever been inside.

I was tormented by my relationships with boys then... Shawn, Derek, Floyd... nothing much has changed. As she told me her traumas, all I kept thinking was how we could have been there for each other. I lost my mother in Dec 1996 and she lost hers in Nov 1997. And all the other things that we barely survived.

It's wild how life works. How people disappear and reappear. How we drop out of sight for supposedly important reasons when we could be offering support. And now I live in Toronto and She lives in Brampton and it's not that far away by any stretch and we're still quite similar and I can see us being best friends all over again and it makes me smile.

She's planning to send me my letters so I can see my teenage handwriting and read what I was thinking and get in contact with so much of myself that I hadn't realized that I'd forgotten. What a gift as a person and as a writer.

And back to the Tour, I can't believe that on two occasions a rider has collided with a stray dog. What kind of dumbass brings their dog to the Tour de France and lets it run loose? I guess there are stupid people in France too. ha ha. They're everywhere.

That's the kind of week it's been. All about people.

EY