Cranky
Topic: WC - Daily Practice

13Sept06 Wednesday 5:38pm

Woke up in a good mood. Left the house in a good mood. Arrived at work in a good mood. Somehow turned cranky real quick. I don't know where the out of the blue crankiness comes from. My work partner says it's the weather. It doesn't even feel like it's that although it's a pain in the ass that the weather changed so quickly. It could be the loss of my writing that upon further investigation last night I discovered wasn't only White Wishes. sigh. It's all the notes and writing that I've done in 2006. Brutal! Really really brutal.

I'm trying to put it behind me like it's some sort of blessing in disguise. I'm still waiting to discover what the blessing is however.

I am a moody sort though. Not as much as I was when I was a teenager but my moodiness still stubbornly holds on like a badge of honor or something. Nothing honourable about moodiness or stubbornness for that matter. I can't even allow myself to feel the loss of my writing because I don't know how to react to it. Do I sit down and have a good cry? Do I hit something or break something? Will it change anything if I react? And I discover right there that this is where my crankiness comes from. It's something I always did when I was a teen (before I grew my mouth) and I was forbidden to react to the fuckery that went on in our house. Interesting! A child's reaction to adult repression. Somethings never change.

I remember when I volunteered for this Youth at Risk program in the States. I was roughly 27, 28 years old. It was similar to outward bound but called something else (the name escapes me now). Anyhow people around the States and Canada volunteer to help these inner city youth from New York in the woods of Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania. My friend Valerie and I were getting a lift from this guy from Rochester, New York. The guy rubbed me the wrong way from the moment we laid eyes on each other.
My whole life people see me and they have all this other shit that they put on me. First off I've always looked younger than my years so people automatically think I'm some kid. Often being black has its own built in preconceived notions by some people. And I, being who I am, will never set the person straight. If they think I'm dumb, I don't tell them any different. If they think I'm in my early 20's I let them believe it. The embarrassment is more excruciating for them when they realize how stupid they are.

So Buddy having not asked me where I was from (experience wise) assumed that I was 19 and proceeded to explain to me what to expect from these violent inner city kids whose parents are drug dealers etc etc. I got very quiet to the point of mute and didn't answer any of his questions about how I thought I should handle such and such if it should happen. Valerie would fill in the long uncomfortable silences because she just couldn't bear the tension. Then he informed me that he'd have to play some classical music as that was the only music he could listen to while he was driving and he was sorry that I would probably hate it since it wasn't my kind of music. sigh!

When we finally got to the campsite (that apparently a horror movie was filmed - the first Friday the 13th or Halloween, can never remember) in the main hall we had to stand up on the stage and introduce ourselves to the several hundred other volunteers in attendance. We had to say what experience we had, our background and why we chose to be there. When it was my turn I was good through most of it but when I discussed why I chose to be there I started to cry. I told the gatherers that I should have been one of those kids but because I'd always had an adult that took me under their wing throughout my childhood that was what had saved me. I wanted to be that kind of adult to as many children as I could. The amount of people that came up to me after that was overwhelming. And Buddy came up to me to say, "You must think I'm a complete asshole with all the things I said trying to teach you when in actual fact you could teach me."
"Well yes!"

The thing that I realized was that behaviour (the silent sullen behaviour)I had was a childish reaction. There is something about me that will resort to that when I'm not clear on how to react. I call it shutting down. I learned that it was childish behaviour when I witnessed some of the youth doing the same thing. What a wake up for me.

The Youth at Risk Program was a huge experience for me and was ultimately what made me go back to school in order to work with children. At the end of the program I was approached by one of the organizers to become a coach for the next session in Hawaii, which meant I'd have more personal contact with the kids than I had as a volunteer. I had to decline because I'd already taken 10 days off work that I almost had to quit in order to get them. That was what also got me out of bartending and restaurant management, the inflexibility.

Feeling like less of a cranky youth and happy to remember my time in Pennsylvania. I may write more about it at some point.

EY

Blasted!
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Tuesday 7:58pm 12Sept06

I've started off my week well. Each night before I go to bed I write up my goals for the next day. goals for my blogs, goals for White Wishes, work out goals, reminding myself to read my morning prayers. Don't I decide that I will work on White Wishes before I post anymore blog entries and go through my zip disks for the novel. Haven't I lost all my most recent work? GONE! Gone? Yup!

I don't know what I did. When I was cleaning up my ibook a couple weekends ago I was pretty sure that I slapped all that stuff onto my zip disk, clearly I didn't. Total outright fuckery! Fuckery.

So the worst part is that all the stuff I lost was on Rachel. Kali is fine because it was originally going to be just her story so I've got copious notes and drafts of stuff on her. But Rachel? sigh! Nothing nothing nothing. It's disheartening.

It's not the end of the world however. I asked a writer about this at the Festival of Author's when he said he lost his whole manuscript, I believe, in the midst of becoming an exile and ultimately moving to Las Vegas (who knew that Las Vegas was an option for an exile). He said that once he'd rewritten the manuscript he felt that he'd written a better piece since he knew what he wanted and where the story was going and most importantly he didn't have to cut stuff that he was madly in love with but didn't fit into the story. So I'm going to look at it from that angle. I have no choice really. I have no choice.

Starting from scratch with a month and a half to get a full first draft... fuckery!

EY

Seasonal Optimism
Topic: WC - Upper A Riffing
Tuesday 6:13am 12Sept06

WC - Upper A Riffing - Instructions
Pick 5 random words out of a dictionary or thesaurus and write a piece using those words. Don't think, just write! This isn't supposed to be a work of art, it's just practice to get you to write without editing.

The words: day, winner, make-shift family, injured, seasonal

The Piece:

Today I'll choose to be a winner in my little world
my make-shift family of cats - all the inspiration I need
I'll feel less injured than usual, hope my reality
my seasonal optimism graduates to a belief that all is well in my world.

EY

Undead Television Report.
Topic: R-Dead Television Report
Monday 8:06pm 11Sept06

Last week, I did this report on the wrong day, it's supposed to be Mondays. I've been a lucky lady in that I only had the two shows or so I said, not realizing that there's a couple more.

Okay so I've been taping Rescue Me and Weeds from Showcase. I've also been taping Prison Break and Vanished off Global. I only added Vanished because it's on after Prison Break. Tonight season two of the Closer starts and can I just say I love Kyra Sedgewick so much in this role it's pathetic? She's almost like a female Columbo with sex appeal.

I didn't watch last week's episode of Prison Break nor Vanished and well, it's Monday again so that'll be 4 hours that I'll have to find somewhere. Oh Yes, ha ha, Six Feet Under started last night. Um, and Inside the Actor's Studio started its new season too yesterday. It was Tim Allen, I taped it.

I still have about ten vids of shows to watch from last season! Out of control. I just recently saw the season finale of American Idol off one of the tapes. Yes, it's that bad. So there is absolutely no reason for me to watch television unless it's on tape. This weekend I flipped around lazily as I nodded back off, not bothering to slip in one of those tapes. So for the most part I'm improved. I'm not watching the television aimlessly night in and night out like I used to. I want to keep reporting in on a weekly basis more for myself than for any one who might read this. The fall season has barely begun and I know how easy it can be to fall off the wagon.

Plus there are still some shows that haven't started yet that I have to watch like: The Gilmore Girls, Grey's Anatomy, Nip/Tuck, The L Word, Family Guy.

The only new shows I may pick up are Justice (because I like the replay of the murder in the end that shows the audience if the person was innocent or guilty) and Vanished (because I'm already taping it.)

And that's it okay? Don't tell me about some show you're watching that's excellent until after the season is over. Don't say, "Shelley it's such great writing." If Quentin Tarantino is going to direct every episode of CSI this year, don't let me know (that's the only reason why I'd watch). Pretend you know nothing about my television confessions unless we're talking about shows I already watch.

And if you think I'm pathetic, which I am ...

Hmm, I don't know if Bravo is planning on bringing back new episodes of The Writing Life ( the only show I should be watching!)

EY

Stubbed my toe
Topic: WC - Upper A Riffing
Monday 11Sept06 9:08pm

WC - Upper A Riffing - Instructions
Pick 5 random words out of a dictionary or thesaurus and write a piece using those words. Don't think, just write! This isn't supposed to be a work of art, it's just practice to get you to write without editing.

Today's words: lifetime, asylum, magic, darkness, clueless

The Piece:

The asylum of my mind purges a lifetime of issues
clueless of the magic formula needed
to push/pull me forward
stubbing my toe out of the darkness

EY