punks
1) On the next Jerry Springer: When chia pets go horribly awry.

wrestler
2a) Come out and fight fair, you damn midget wrestler!
2b) I didn't say I was a good magician. I don't know how to make them reappear.
2c) Next time choose a wiser retort than, 'Bite me' from your vocabulary while you're in a supine position.

boy behind bowl
3) Where did you empty grandma's colostomy bag, mom?

George H. Bush, Reagan and Ford
4a) In hindsight, Monicagate shouldn't have come as such a shock. I got it straight from the horse's mouth that her mother was Deep Throat.
4b) Hands off! Quit pretending you've searching for jellybeans in my pocket.
4c) Having Alzheimer's does have some advantages. At least I don't wake up frightened knowing just who we're endorsing for the presidency.

Milli Vanilli "dancing"
5) Hey, Rob! These invisible sheep are neat!" "Yeah, Fab. They're just as invisible as us since we were revealed as a couple of frauds.

Santa on beach with babe
6a) Nice girls come and nice girls go, but it's the naughty ones that Santa keeps in his Rolodex for future reference.
6b)

soccer player getting kicked
7a) GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
7b) One ball in the right pocket
7c) Houston, we have liftoff.
7d) You put your right foot in. You take your right foot out. You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about.

sperm cartoon
8) Retreat! We're in some guy's butt!

unflattering photo of Madonna
9a) Telltale signs of how Madonna managed to forge her way to the top of the music industry have begun to surface in recent years.
9b) Here, Madonna reveals that she is capable of sucking both literally and figuratively at the same time.

artwork of topless Japanese women
10) Godzilla visits a titty bar.

woman on guy's lap in casino
11) Woman: 'Honey, that's not a quarter, and you've inserted it in the wrong slot.'

two boys looking at computer screen
12a) Just preparing for the spelling bee, Mom!! ...That's a clitoris, Billy. C-L-I-T-O-R-I-S, clitoris.
12b) Being Bill Gates' kids isn't easy either...'We know where we want to go today. Why won't our *%#!@&# dad make products that will get us there?'

Tipper Gore holding camera
13a) You mean I press this button and an angled mirror flips upward to permit light to pass to the back of this thingamagig, where some kind of film is located, while simultaneously, a pair of curtains just in front of the film open to let the light hit the film? Then these curtains close and the mirror drops back to it's normal viewing position? And this is going to capture an image of what I see through this window which can be developed in a lab for later viewing? Oh go on! Do I look stupid? Am I on Candid Camera or something?
13b) Ok, that was foul. I distinctly said, 'say cheese, Al.'

seal with mouth open wide
14) Monica Lewinsky displays her one true talent.

diving football player with ball skimming helmet
15) Wide receivers' coach, Fred Biletnikoff, vehemently denied allegations that Stick-Um was being used by Jimmy "All thumbs" Spencer, and stated that superior coaching techniques were more likely responsible for his dramatic turnaround.

two people at a costume party
16) Have you seen my pussy

donkey hoisted in air by heavy cart
17a) The rebels unleashed their latest weapon to try to turn the tide in the civil war in Bogwakalokistan, the donkey-a-pult. Apparently they still have a few bugs to work out
17b) Boy, do I feel like an ass.
17c) Get out of the cart, Megan. You'll have to find another way to sneak across the border.

man holding stick behind his back
18) When you run the Akron Symphony Orchestra, you can't exactly take grooming into consideration when selecting a conductor.

hanging chickens
19a) The cast banquet for the move Chicken Run was not the gala the film's stars had in mind when they ended up as the main entree.
19b) Sickened by pasta, Clint Eastwood decided to film his low budget sequel to Hang 'Em High in Kentucky. Unfortunately it laid an egg at the box office. (Hey, if he can make spaghetti westerns, can't he make chicken westerns too?)

a crouching Ozzy Osbourne
20) In a desperation move to try to shore up an ineffective pass rush, the Cincinnati Bengals drafted Ozzy Osbourne, based on a tip from the general manager's fifteen year old son that 'Ozzy kicks ass!'

dog with cone around head
21) You are getting very sleepy..very, very sleepy. You will awaken at the sound of me sighing contentedly. Now, lick my balls quickly, before I go crazy, you stupid human. Then take this damn thing off of me!

scene from the Florida election scandal
22a) I'm sorry Miss Harris. You'll have to do this news conference without make-up. Between you and Al Gore, you've depleted the entire world's supply.
22b) Look at this, Katherine. Someone's poked a hole through Florida. Sloppy work at that. They've left a piece dangling. It must have been a democrat.
22c) To the north is an idyllic country called Canada. They are governed by an efficiently run democracy that gets same day election results without controversy.

man with toys in child's playhouse
23) Don't mind me. I enjoy playing with little boys' tools.

man on beach
24a) In an alternate conclusion to Hollow Man, a beach-goer confidently applies a figure four leg lock to the stunned villain and makes him say "uncle" as well as promise to apologize for being bad. A disgruntled audience, taking advantage of Kevin Bacon's predicament, demanded he refund their money before being set free. No compensation could ever make up for their wasted two hours however.
24b) David Hasselhoff's stunt double awaits his next love scene on the set of Baywatch.

robed person with fowl
25) Does anyone know a subtle way to tell someone that their cock is showing in public?

fornicating turtles
26) Now that's what I call coming out of your shell!

partiers in washroom stall
27a) Out with the old. *flush* In with the new.
27b) Crappy New Year?
27c) Somebody please tell me that was a noise-maker

cactus with hat
28) In an effort to cash in on the box office success of The Grinch, Disney rushed into production of their own yuletide scrooge tale featuring their own villain, 'The Christmas Prick'.

Hillary Clinton with little girl
29a) A photo op for Hillary: 'There's a sniper up there in the rafters with his sights focused on the back of your skull. Now give me a hug and smile for the camera, you little bitch!'
29b) Hillary interviews Bill's new intern candidates: 'You appear to be just the right height for the job. What do you think about cigars?'
29c Please let go of me, scary lady. I don't want to see your booger.

man wearing numbered shirt in tree
30) Tree soccer just isn't catching on very fast.

two women at table beside statue
31a) More than just paintings appear to be hung here in the L'ouvre.
31b) Those sure are interesting condiment dispensers they have here.
31c) I dunno, Phyllis. I suddenly have a craving for a foot long. Why do you suppose that is?

horse looking bahind himself
32) That's not what they meant by mounting me, you idiot!

football player sitting on helmet in showers
33a) During a poor practice, coach wasn't too far from the mark when he sent his quarterback to the showers early for having his head up his ass.
33b) It's bad enough to suffer a case of the dropsies in a football game. But when they carry into the shower, it can cause lasting psychological effects.
33c It's tough to lose a game since they coined they phrase ,"To the victors go the spoils." Especially when the opposition takes it literally, and you play for the Spoils.

Bill Clinton on Mount Rushmore
34a) Bill: 'Do you fellas know where a guy can find a 'head' stone around here?'
34b) Abe: 'Sorry, Bill. The only thing that blows around here is the wind.'
34c) Bill: 'Yee haw! I'm as hard as a rock all day long!'
34d) Bill: 'Gosh, now I'm stone cold like Hillary.'