Sexual assault charges against Kobe Bryant leaves him in a his word against hers situation. The solution to avoid such crises is simple: consent forms.
The whole idea of making these women sign consent forms just makes sense. Of course there would have to be a witness to the signing, but all these guys travel with entourages.
Since there are a variety of ways of taking the rock to the rack, the athlete could have separate consent forms for:
one on one (Straight ahead, missionary position.)
full court press (A little bump and grind.)
the back door pass (For those who like to make booty calls.)
man to man (We can't forget about Dennis Rodman.)
around the world (You know what I'm talking about, baby!)
the double team (That's what friends are for!)
blowing the whistle (You've got a mouth, use it!)
the give and go (What? You thought I was going to sleep here?)
rattling the rim (Foreplay?)
the slam dunk (Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.)
boxing out (For those that like it rough.)
diving for loose balls (Find the remote while you're down there, will ya?)
penetrating the lane (Lane is open to interpretation.)
palming the ball (Standard hand job.)
beating the 24 second clock (For the premature ejaculators.)
double dribble (Sometimes once isn't enough..or..something to see your physician about.)
coming off the bench (When you don't have a bed, compromise.)
dishing it off (0n the kitchen table?)
distributing the ball (No sense keeping it to yourself!)
tying up your man (S&M)
pounding the boards (Headboards, that is.)
getting to the foul line (If it's that nasty, maybe you better not!)
reaching in (Women love that, so while you're there, give it a...)
finger roll (Now you're ready for the...)
two minute drill (I think there's something wrong with your timer! now we need a...)
time out (Who do you think I am, the energizer bunny? This one provides an out clause so the athlete can't get sued for breach of contract if he's unable to perform his duty.)
See what I mean? A little something for every occasion.
Here's me having some fun with sports names. You shouldn't even have to like sports or be familiar with the personalities to appreciate the humour (I hope) for the most part.
Athletes Who Should Get married
(golfer Chip Beck and basketball player Stacey Dales-Schuman)
Couch and Davenport (football player Tim Couch and tennis player Lindsay Davenport)
Spider and Webb (former Golden Glove champion/current boxing commentator Spider Jones and golfer Karrie Webb)
Candy and Kane (former baseball player Candy Maldonado and golfer Lorie Kane)
Lawyer and Crooks (football player Lawyer Milloy and track athlete Charmaine Crooks)
King and Cassels (golfer Betsy King and hockey player Andrew Cassels)
Rich and Po (football player Rich Gannon and tennis player Kimberly Po)
Snow and Bird (hockey player Garth Snow and basketball player Sue Bird)
Wolf and Pak (baseball player Randy Wolf and golfer Se Ri Pak)
Brady and Bunch (football player Tom Brady and golfer Ashli Bunch)
Figgs and Newton (basketball player Ukari Figgs and former football player Nate Newton)
Cash and Carey (basketball player Swin Cash and former hockey player Jim Carey)
Doctor and Pepper (basketball legend Doctor J and golfer Dottie Pepper)
Summer and Brees (former Olympic gold medallist swimmer and current host of NBA Inside Stuff Summer Sanders and football player Drew Brees)
McBride and Grooms (football player Tod McBride and basketball player Lady Grooms)
Snow and Fleury (basketball player Michelle Snow and hockey player Theo Fleury)
Deer and Darling (former baseball player Rob Deer and basketball player Helen Darling)
Pride and Joy (basketball player Lynn Pride and former high jumper Greg Joy)
Wild and Woolley (tennis player Linda Wild and hockey player Jason Woolley)
Chow and Mayne (gymnast Amy Chow and baseball player Brent Mayne)
Noble and Knight (golfer Karen Noble and football player Sammy Knight)
Small and Favors (hockey player Sami Jo Small and football player Greg Favors)
Gill and Finn (golfer Tonya Gill and football player Tim Finn)
Judge and Law (football player Joe Judge and curler Kelley Law)
The Top Ten Anagrams of NHL Goalie Names
(anagram: a word or phrase made by transposing the letters of another word or phrase)
10) A little joy bunch (Jocelyn Thibault
9) A star bosom (Tom Barasso
8) Bad tremor! I run! (Martin Brodeur
7) Frayed boon (Byron Dafoe
6) A nut. Ice lord (Dan Cloutier
5) Primal, catlike (Patrick Lalime
4) I perch just so (Curtis Joseph
3) Foul breed (Ed Belfour
2) A tricky pro (Patrick Roy
And the number one anagram of NHL goalie names:
1) Lance gay men (Manny Legace
The Top Five Tailor Made Endorsement Opportunities
5) Hockey commentator, Don Cherry
– Cherry Coke
4) Former NHLer, Paul Coffey
– Mr. Coffee
3) Ex 49er, Jerry Rice
– Rice-A-Roni (the San Francisco treat)
2) Former Red, Pete Rose
- Red Rose Tea
And the number one tailor made endorsement opportunity:
1) Former Brown, Ben Gay
– Ben Gay
The Top Five NHL Players' Names That Could Have Been Fight Scene Sound Effects In Batman Comics
And the number one NHL name that could have been a fight scene sound effect in Batman comics:
The Top Five Replacements For The Guys In The Fruit Of The Loom Commercials
5) Ryan Leaf
4) Rick Berry
3) Meadowlark Lemon
2) Don "Grapes" Cherry
And the number one replacement for the guys in the Fruit of the Loom commercials:
1) Toller Cranston
*Cranston, a six time Canadian figure skating champion and 1976 bronze medallist, is as "fruity" as they come.
The Top Ten Examples Of How A Few NHL Players’ Names Just Missed Out On Being Part Of Everyday Conversation
10) He went off to join the Marchant
9) The Soo Canal is a historic Lundmark
what time it is? (Joe)
7) "I remember that night and the Tennessee Walz
6) What are you, a Weiss
5) That push-up Brashear
works wonders. (Donald)
night, everyone. (Shane)
bears are native to Australia. (Stephen)
2) I want a Cheechoo
train, mommy. (Jonathan)
And the number one example of how a few NHL players’ names just missed out on being part of everyday conversation:
1) I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiemer
To mark Hallowe'en 2002, I submit to you...
The Top Five Sports Trick Or Treat All Stars
Satan (current Buffalo Sabre forward)
Howell (former MLB player)
3) Byron Leftwich (2002 Heisman candidate-Marshall University)
Goulet (former NHL player)
And the number one member of the sports trick or treat all star team:
Boog Powell (former MLB player) and
Boomer Esiasson (former NFL player)
Books We're Unlikely To Find In Bookstores
The following is a list of fictitious books by sports personalities. Some of them may be obscure to those of you who aren't really sports fans, so I've included explanations to help let you in on the joke.
- Grooming Tips by Mike Ricci
- Mike Ricci-straggly haired, toothless San Jose Shark. Professes to comb his hair with a pork chop.
- My Favourite Photographers by Tiger Woods
- Tiger Woods-gets mighty testy when he hears cameras clicking during his backswing. Go figure.
- Ok, Ok, I Am Gay by Mike Piazza
- Mike Piazza-constantly forced to refute rumours that he’s the prominent ball player from an east coast baseball team who’s dating the editor of Out magazine.
- How To Win A Tennis Tournament by Anna Kournikova
- Anna Kournikova-career singles tournament victories: 0
- Actions Speak Louder Than Words by Keyshawn Johnson
- Keyshawn Johnson-motor mouth Tampa Bay Buccaneer gets much more press coverage than someone with two touchdowns in one year and a half span deserves.
- Resumes For Dummies by George O’Leary
- George O’Leary-hired as Notre Dame head football coach only to be fired days later for fabrications in his resume.
- Dieting Tips by William “The Refrigerator” Perry
- William Perry-member of ’86 Bears Super Bowl champs, and the only celebrity boxer who would have lost to Paula Jones, is truly larger than life.
- Traffic Officers Are Our Friends by Randy Moss
- Randy Moss-Minnesota Viking pushed a female traffic officer half a block with his Lexus after making an illegal right turn before finally knocking her over.
- My Fondest Memories Of Eric Lindros by Bobby Clarke
- Bobby Clarke-Flyer GM publicly feuded with Lindros and his family. Things got pretty nasty before he finally unloaded him on the Rangers, ignoring Lindros’ demand to be traded to the Leafs.
- How To Beat Cocaine Addiction by Darryl Strawberry
- Darryl Strawberry-former Met star finally landed in jail after many second chances and failed rehab stints.
- Contraction Made Easy by Bud Selig
- Bud Selig-courts thwarted baseball commissioner’s attempt to disperse the Twins and Expos. Twins end up advancing to division championship series.
- How To Promote An Olympic Bid In Africa by Mel Lastman
- Mel Lastman-Toronto mayor may have cost his city key votes after being quoted saying, “"What the hell do I want to go to a place like Mombasa?" Lastman said. "Snakes just scare the hell out of me. I'm sort of scared about going there, but my wife is really nervous. I just see myself in a pot of boiling water with all these natives dancing around me." Beijing was awarded the 2008 Olympics.
- Proper Pronunciation Of European Names by Don Cherry
- Don Cherry-famous Canadian hockey personality routinely mispronounces names of foreign players, and often questions their guts.
- Put On A Happy Face by Bill Cowher and Jon Gruden
- Cowher and Gruden-NFL coaches routinely caught scowling on the sidelines. Cowher even foams at the mouth. Gruden-nicknamed Chucky due to resemblance to horror flick doll.
- How To Plan Spontaneous Reactions by Brandi Chastain
- Brandi Chastain-whipped off jersey after scoring winning penalty kick goal to defeat China for the soccer world championship to reveal a new Nike sports bra (which she "coincidentally" endorses).
- Firearm Safety by Jayson Williams
- Jayson Williams-accidentally shot and killed a limo driver in his home while twirling a shotgun. Then he unsuccessfully tried to make it look like a suicide. He now may face more than forty years in the slammer.
- How To Hit On Women by Jason Kidd
- Jason Kidd-while a member of the Phoenix Suns, he punched his wife in the face in anger in the presence of their young child.
- Avoiding Controversy by Allen Iverson
- Allen Iverson-jailed for bowling alley brawl, gangsta rap lyrics, missing practices, throwing his wife out of the house naked, illegal possession of a firearm, making terroristic threats-all just part of a routine day for star 76er guard.
- Ummm…Two Fingers? No, Wait…Three? By Eric Lindros
- Eric Lindros-concussion prone New York Ranger. I can’t wait for the next one! His intelligence actually increases with head trauma.
- Masking Steroid Use by Ben Johnson
- Ben Johnson-Canadian sprinter breaks the world record and wins Olympic gold in the 100 meter race, only to be later disqualified for testing positive for anabolic steroids.
- How To Win A Super Bowl by Jim Kelly
- Jim Kelly- 0 for 4 in the big one for the Bills.
- Hacking And Slicing (On And Off The Links) by O.J. Simpson
- O.J. Simpson-still searching for the real killer on golf courses throughout Florida.
- Making Hockey Fun For Youths by Graham James
- Graham James-junior hockey coach convicted of sexually abusing Sheldon Kennedy and another of his players.
- The Importance Of Fair Play by Gordie Howe
- Gordie Howe-hockey legend was masterful at using his elbows, stick, whatever it took to win.
- Making Friends On The ATP Tour by Venus and Serena Williams
- Venus and Serena Williams-alienated themselves in the locker room with their brash attitudes and cockiness. On top of that, they’re Jehovah Witnesses.
- Safe Sex by Magic Johnson
- Magic Johnson-can’t do much more magic with his Johnson after promiscuity led to being HIV positive.
- How To Go To The Super Bowl Without Killing Anybody Again by Ray Lewis
- Ray Lewis-after a Super Bowl party at an Atlanta bar (the game was also in Atlanta), Lewis and two of his friends were charged with the stabbing deaths of two other men. Lewis avoided a possible murder conviction by pleading guilty Monday to a misdemeanor charge of obstruction of justice and agreeing to testify against his two co-defendants. The next year, Lewis helps lead the Baltimore Ravens to victory in the Super Bowl against the Giants.
- Anger Management by Latrell Sprewell
- Latrell Sprewell-when he’s not choking his coach, he’s breaking his hand trying to punch the boyfriend of a girl who threw up on his yacht. (I hate when that happens!)
- How To Be A Model Team-mate by Barry Bonds
- Barry Bonds-when you look up jerk in the dictionary, you find this surly San Francisco Giant's picture. He’s not well liked by fans, the media or members of his own team.
- Keeping Your Ego And Ethics In Check by Juan Antonio Samaranch
- Juan Antonio Samaranch-former IOC president never met a perk he didn’t like and ignored the rampant amount of improprieties within the organization. Interested only in securing a legacy for himself, lobbied on his own behalf for the Nobel Peace prize, and insisted on being called “Your Excellency”.
- Ode To My Ethnic And Gay Friends by John Rocker
- John Rocker-former Atlanta Brave exposed his racism in a Sports Illustrated article through disparaging comments on different ethnicities, gays and even women.
- How To Select The Best Agent by Ricky Williams
- Ricky Williams-chose rap tycoon Master P’s newly formed management enterprises to represent him. Signed a ridiculous, incentive laden contract that would guarantee big bucks only if he stayed healthy and put up Barry Sanders-like numbers. This just in...Ricky is not Barry.
- Opinions I Keep To Myself by Charles Barkley
- Charles Barkley-former Sixer and Sun always says what’s on his mind, no matter the consequences.
- Places I Haven’t Worn Out My Welcome by Jeff George
- Jeff George-highly talented QB who never fulfilled his potential or lasted long in one place. Even with a lack of quality quarterbacks in the NFL, no one has offered him a contract since he was unceremoniously dumped by the Redskins in 2000. (Ok, ok..Seattle did one week after I made this list.)
- Football Celebration Techniques by Gus Frerotte and Bill Gramatica
- Gus Frerotte-after a touchdown, he ran through the end zone and head-butted the wall, knocking himself out of the game.
- Bill Gramatica-injured his knee while jumping up and down celebrating a field goal.
- My Children Whose Names I Remember by Shawn Kemp
- Shawn Kemp-seven illegitimate children across the U.S. and counting.
Rick's Psycho Ward
Rick's Padded Cell
My Plea To Stupid People
Rick Live With Regis and Kelly
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