E-mail Made Easy. I Do the Work. You Get The Credit.


We all know how time consuming e-mail can be. Hell, it can be a full time job in itself. So, I've done you a favour and written one for you. Cut the following letter out and paste it in a new e-mail message. Just substitute the name of the intended recipient with one of the provided ones ( or use a provided one if appropriate) after deleting them along with the brackets. Then simply select the bracketed phrase that best suits your purpose for each sentence and delete the others as well as the brackets. Feel free to insert your own phrases, I'm not as poetic as friggin' Hallmark. I hope you find this to your liking. Just send me your credit card info via e-mail and I'll bill you an amount I deem to my liking. You can thank me later. Enjoy!

Dear (Muffy, John, Mr. Gates, friend ),

I'm very sorry that ( I called you a hairy orangutan, I have to tell you this, you're the biggest geek on the face of the earth, I haven't written in a long time ). I ran off ( a list of reasons why that was offensive to orangutans everywhere, with Antonio the cabana boy, a copy of my butt on the photocopier that looks like your face, the road when I spilled hot coffee in my lap and have been recovering ). I want you to know that I love ( the way your knuckles scrape the ground when you walk, the way he stirs my daiquiri with no hands, to see your wimpy, little ass hauled into court and raked over the coals for your attempts at world domination, that trick you do with the midget and the baton ). I think you ( are beginning to smell like the zoo that you must have broken out of, are obligated to know that it's not just because he can give me an orgasm, can insert your Windows 98 in your own floppy disk if you know what I mean, ought to take a break from the cyber sex because your keyboard is getting sticky). I heard that you ( have taken the term "swinging singles" to a new level-literally, moved back in with your mother, hire someone to perform your manly duties for you, haven't shaved, showered or changed your clothes in weeks ). Do you know that there are ( bunches of bananas with your name on them, people who can help you stop yelling her name during sex, corpses with more personality than you have, birds nesting in your armpit hair )? It looks like your ( resemblance to a largely herbivorous arboreal anthropoid ape that is two-thirds the size of a gorilla and has extremely, long arms comes from your mama, engagement ring can now be pawned for a case of beer, money can't buy you any friends, belly button is starting to grow mold in it ). I wish you would ( stop jumping up and down while screeching at the top of your lungs, not be bitter and provide a reference so Antonio can get his green card, receive a massive electric shock to your testicles every time my computer crashes, take out the trash before the flies get sick and do it themselves ). Well, I guess I should ( go tell the zookeeper where you are, apply more suntan lotion to Antonio, call tech support-something's due to go awry again, log off before you realize that I'm on-line ).


( Insert name here. )

Click here to see Kooky Kaptions. Nothing is sacred here.

I've created a page on which to unleash crazy things that pop into my head. I call it Psycho Babbling. I plan to add to it over time as future madness strikes. So please click on the link below.

Psycho Babbling

I've come up with my very own get rich scheme. Doesn't everyone have one? Buying lottery tickets just isn't panning out. So please click on the link below.

Click here to see my plea to stupid people

I came up my own tv spoilers for unaired episodes (episodes that should have been). Click on the link to see something I like to call TV MISGUIDED

Regis and Kelly agreed to interview me, asking an assortment of questions pulled from those pesky e-mail surveys that you're probably familiar with.

Click here to see a transcript of my appearance on Live With Regis and Kelly

I'm a sports fan and I've created a page where I have some fun with the names of athletes, and poked fun at some athletes themselves. I don't think you have to even like sports to get enjoyment out of the results.

Click here to see me Goofing On Sports

I wouldn't go back there for a million bucks!


Go on in, the bell's broken.Click on the door to go to "Rick's Padded Cell" (about me page)


Scatter-brained Thoughts


Click here to go to my awards page


Click here to win my award


Click here to see who has won my award


Click here to go to my banners page


Click here to play some games


Click here to go to my links page


View all current and past guestbook entries in one place (minus the broken links and images!) by clicking on the image directly above.

Add your name to my mailing list if you'd like to be notified when I add something to my page. Mailings will be infrequent because I'm to lazy to be too creative.

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Guestbook by Lpage

If you have a stick up your ass, this may not be the place for you. I'm sure there's a 'Stick Up Your Ass' message board somewhere on the net though.

Click the banner to see to my message board

The song you would be hearing if I didn't remove my midi files is "Crazy for You" by Madonna. I'm not too crazy about your hairy back, Madonna.