The nonsense found on this page probably was originally posted by me on my message board in one form or another. There's a fine line between funny and retarded..and I cross it daily. So..you may enjoy stuff here, or you may not. One way or another, you'll probably leave shaking your head.

Go To Actual E-mail I Received In One 24 Hour Span
Go To Mad Tuna and Rusty
Go To Not exactly an homage to Herve Villechaize
Go To Cannibals, Cannibals, Cannibals!
Go To Ten More Ways To Fit An Elephant Into A Car
Go To PUCKer Up
Go To Just In Case You Need Further Proof That I've Completely Lost My Marbles...
Go To The Trouble With Dead People...

Actual E-mail I Received In One 24 Hour Spam Span

I've spared you the bulk of the content. The actual subject lines are in red.

Married but flirting people are looking for someone to save them!

Who do they think I am? Jesus?

Exclusive Videos

Yet another e-mail bemoaning the plight of married but lonely women. "Their husbands and boyfriends aren't there for them, they're tired of being upset and lonely, having to finger themselves instead of the real sex. They are in need of real men! Featuring only REAL attached women in search of REAL Sex On The Side."

Added bonus: REAL husbands blowing your REAL head off.

PARENTS OF 15 - YEAR OLD - FIND $71,000 CASH HIDDEN IN HIS CLOSET!

Oh boy! A pyramid scheme. I’ll just mail out my 25 bucks and sit around wondering when the money’s going to start pouring in.

Are you making $500 a week with your own online biz?

Why wait 142 weeks to make $71,000.00 if I can get it faster in a pyramid scheme?

However, with BT On-line charging me $48.00 bucks for registration to get in on this new opportunity, I can see how someone is making $500 a week with their own on-line business.

Urgent

But why settle for a mere $500/week when Adisa Ademola, one of the members of the special committee for budget and planning of the Ministry of Petroleum in Nigeria is beseeching me to provide a valid bank account in which he will deposit $9,500,000.00. I’m to get 30% of this amount for my assistance. That’s $2,850,000.00! Whoopee!

Gold Invest Club pay 2% daily

It’s almost like they’re prescient-knowing that I needed someplace to invest my windfall!

Get Rich Without Going to Work - Free Offer!

I guess they hadn’t heard of my good fortune. Yet, intrigued, I opened the e-mail and read, "Earn $450.62 A Week or More Working Out of the Comfort of Your Own Home..."

$452.62 a week? They call that getting rich??? Maybe if I move to Nigeria. But I can’t because I have $2,850,000.00 of their money that they might want to interrogate me about.

30 Million Fresh Email Names & Software, Only $52.95!

Are you starting to think that the odds are pretty good that my address is on this disk?

Hot Russian Teen Girls! XXX

Sounds like trouble.

It worked for me -do you know how to satisfy your partner?

Why don’t you ask the hot Russian teen girls? Better yet, ask my 350 pound cellmate, Bruiser. I told you those Russian girls sounded like trouble. Uggh.

ZALUPA XXL PRESENT!!! GREAT HARDCORE SITE!!! YOU MUST SEE IT!

If you say so…

Are You In Credit Card Debt & Need Instant Help?

Ok, I know you’re thinking…how could I spend over $2,850,000.00 on a porn site? Hey, it was good porn!

All you hear is static?

Yes, and my brains numb too. So please…enough with the spam already!!!

Mad Tuna and Rusty

This bit originated after two new members (Mad Tuna and Rusty) registered at my message board. I commented that Mad Tuna and Rusty sounded like the name of a direct to video movie if ever there was one. So the following is a trailer for the movie...

*cue the gravelly, resonant voice of the movie preview voice-over guy*

*show scene of a cop kicking the shit out of a couple of bad dudes*

Voice-over guy: "He's a hardened cop. A loose cannon. Meet Mad Tuna."

*cut to scene of another cop meticulously filling out paper work*

Voice-over guy: "He plays it by the book. A straight arrow. Meet Rusty."

*cut to scene of the steely-eyed police chief talking on the phone*

Chief: "Yes, Mr. Mayor, I know it's an election year and crime is at an all time high."

Voice-over guy: "There was only one thing he could do. But was it the right thing?"

*cut to scene of Mad Tuna and Rusty in the chief's office.

Chief: "Tuna, meet your new partner."

Mad Tuna: "I work alone, damn it!"

Rusty: "But sir! I can't work with someone who's tactics I don't approve of."

Chief: "The mayor's all over my ass. Neither of you has a say in the matter."

*cut to chase scene. Rusty slams on the breaks to avoid hitting a woman with a baby carriage. Mad Tuna jams his foot on the accelerator, forcing Rusty to swerve onto the sidewalk to continue pursuit.*

Voice-over guy: "Can criminals survive with Mad Tuna and Rusty on the beat? Only if they can't survive each other."

*cut to the interior of a doughnut shop*

Voice-over guy: "Lou Diamond Phillips"

Mad Tuna: "I suppose you're going to eat that doughnut with a knife and fork?"

Voice-over guy: "Michael Rapaport"

Rusty: "I guess you're going to bludgeon yours?"

*cut to chiefs office*

*pan in on a distraught chief's face*

Voice-over guy: "And Lou Gossett, Jr. as the chief."

Chief: "I think this might have been a bad idea."

Voice-over guy: "Mad Tuna and Rusty. Rent it today on video or dvd."

Not exactly an homage to Herve Villechaize

Tattoos are popular. Perhaps too popular. Everyone is getting them nowadays (well, about one out of ten). God know they've been around at least as long as circus sideshow attractions. However, getting tattooed is definitely something that should not be done on the spur of the moment, especially when you've been imbibing in alcohol. (Unless you're simply encouraging one of your drinking buddies that he should go ahead and get one.) Tattoos definitely shouldn't be applied by someone who's been drinking, and you should always select a reputable tattoo artist. Remember, we're talking about something that won't wash off. A tattoo is an indelible mark or figure fixed upon the body by insertion of pigment under the skin. Be forewarned...it's going to hurt. A lot. The best rule of thumb is to think long and hard before deciding on the tattoo you want. Then wait a couple of years. If you still want to permanently etch that heart with "I love Aaron Carter" declared inside it, then, be my guest and plant that baby on your ass. But remember, it will still be prominently displayed long after you view his tragic demise on Behind The Music ten years down the road.

Sure, some people may want a tattoo to commemorate a special time in their lives or to honour someone close to their hearts. You can't go wrong with a dead relative (unless it's someone like Hitler). Mom and dad are a good idea (unless your dad is Hitler). Tattooing a lover's name on yourself isn't usually such a good idea though. I bring you several cautionary tales of celebrities and ill chosen tattoos:

Baseball star catcher Mike Piazza and Playboy playmate Darlene Bemaola were so infatuated with one another that they had each other's initials tattooed on their ankles. Two months later, they were splitsville. Fast forward two years and rumours circulate that Piazza is gay prompting a swarm of major leaguers with the initials D.B. to stipulate that a no trade clause to the Mets be placed in their contracts.

Just ask Johnny Depp about his "Winona Forever" tattoo. Alas, he and Ms. Ryder are no longer an item. Forever just doesn't last as long as it used to. And Winona Judd just wasn't interested. Poor Johnny now has a limited dating pool to choose from. Maybe he should have tried a "Heather Forever", a "Sarah Forever", or some other more common name. We all remember what he did to that hotel room when Kate Moss refused to change her given name. I'm sure even Johnny will laugh at Angelina Jolie though whenever she breaks up with Billy Bob Thornton. Yes, she has "Billy Bob" tattooed on her arm.

Then there's Halle Berry. So in love with baseball star, David Justice, was she that she tattooed "David" on her butt. Perhaps it was prescience that he'd turn out to be an ass. She was so distraught after their break-up, she contemplated suicide. Then she got an idea. She had the tattoo turned into a flower and everything is smelling like roses...new lover, an Oscar... (Well, almost everything...the tattoo is not scratch and sniff. It still smells like Halle's butt.)

Another athlete, Andre Rison, won the heart of Lisa "left eye" Lopes, of TLC fame. She had his number 80 tattooed on her arm. Lisa carried a torch for Andre. Literally. She burned Andre's mansion to the ground as he fumbled their relationship away. Cheer up, Lisa. You can set your sights on Jerry Rice now. Tell him the 80 is in homage to him. If that fails, try Cris Carter. Or look up Steve Largent. Unlike Rison, these guys' #80 jerseys will one day all hang together in the Hall of Fame, and we know you don't want no scrubs. Lisa has passed away since this was written, so I guess tattoos were the least of her worries. She should have been more concerned with her driving skills.

There's more. Pamela Anderson (you may have seen her in a certain video on-line, or admired her implants on Baywatch) showed her undying love for Tommy Lee by having "Tommy" tattooed on her finger. Hopefully it was her middle finger because Tommy's been a bad, bad boy, and Pamela would like nothing more than for him to sit on it and rotate. No worries, the tattoo has since been altered to read "Mommy". Awwwww! How cute! If I was her kid, I'd breast feed until I was eighteen. She could have just left it though and said she was a big Who fan. Anyway, she'll always have hepatitis C to remember Tommy by. Just a bonus you get from sharing tattoo needles. No extra cost! But let's not be so hasty in incriminating Tommy. About 3.9 million Americans have hepatitis C, and it's a good bet that Pammy's had unprotected sex with about half of them.

Geena Davis has a tattoo featuring the Denny's logo on her ankle. A big fan of greasy food, you surmise. No, it won out over J.C. Penny and Jenny Craig, I imagine, in an effort to put thoughts of director and ex-husband, Renny Harlin, behind her. Those who saw Cutthroat Island have been trying to forget about both of them for years.

Next we have Tom Arnold. A tattoo of Roseanne Barr graces his chest. How wasted would you have to be for that??? Or did Tom lose a high stakes bet? Have a gun to his head? He should have had her image placed on his belly instead. That way it would become more lifelike as his gut expands. Of course, in return, Roseanne had "Tom" tattooed on herself. Sorry, Tom. I'd rather have your name tattooed on me than Roseanne's portrait. She wins this one. And you slept with her. Ewww! You just can't win, can you?

Sean Penn had Madonna's name tattooed on his body. If he wanted it to be seen by the maximum number of people, he should have had it placed on her groin instead. I guess you've all heard of Shanghai Surprise, Yeah, that's right...just one of many STD's Madonna spreads. I guess Sean can be just as retarded as his character in 000000I Am Sam, because the material girl is betrothed to Guy Ritchie now. Foolish man, it would take lock, stock and two smoking barrels for me to touch that skank's snatch with a ten foot pole. Let's hope for his sake that he doesn't make the same mistake as Sean.

One suggestion I have: tattoos are permanent, so if you're intent on having a word stencilled on your body, at least make sure you get the spelling right. Case in point: Seattle Seahawks running back, Ricky Watters, who proudly(?) displays the word(?) "THOROBRED" on his ripped physique. Apparently some of us are more thoroughly bred than others, Ricky. How the hell did you get into Notre Dame?

Other tattoos are just begging for ridicule.

Eminem has "SLIT HERE" immortalized on his right wrist, obviously feeling our pain when we're subjected to his music. The line-up starts behind me and his mother. The bottom line is, don't go putting an idea in people's heads when the undercurrent of that thought was probably already there to begin with.

Britney Spears has a fairy tattooed on her lower back. Now she'll have a constant reminder of her break-up with Justin Timberlake. *averts the dirty glare of 'NSYNC fans.*

Stephen Baldwin has the word "BELIEVE" tattooed between is shoulders. Believe all you want, Stephen...but you'll never be Alec. Or Daniel. Or even Billy, for that matter (and that's pretty sad).

David Faustino has a Chinese kanji tattoo signifying respect. Respect? Bwahahaha! Give it up for that homely kid who played Bud Bundy.

Corey Haim has the Batman symbol on his right shoulder. If Gotham City flashed the Bat Signal and this clown showed up, they'd be sorry. Doubly so if he brought that idiot, Corey Feldman, with him.

Axl Rose has a "VICTORY OR DEATH" tattoo. So, why is he still alive?

Tupac Shakur has "THUG LIFE" displayed on his stomach. It's a little hard to make out on his bullet riddled rotting corpse though. Hey Tupac, how proud are you of your thug life now?

Of course, there are many more celebrities I could mock. And they make up only a small percentage of the tattooed world. Just imagine all the ill advised tattoos displayed on people in the general populace. I shudder to think. Has Jerry Springer looked into this?

Cannibals, Cannibals, Cannibals!

I was thinking about cannibalism recently (as I'm often prone to do) and some thoughts came to mind. I thought these all up myself, but I can't vouch for the originality of each and every one since I'm sure many people have made cannibal jokes before. (ie. the classics, "Does this clown taste funny to you?", and "I hate my mother-in-law." "So? Try the potatoes.") Settle down and gnaw on my own contributions...

Is it important for cannibals who are born lactose intolerant to eat people who abstain from dairy products?
And do health conscious cannibals eat vegetarians?
Do they have specialty restaurants that serve only Italian, Chinese or Thai people like we have specialty restaurants that serve only those types of foods? And for appetizers, do they serve actual fingers instead of finger foods?
Do most cannibals hate liver like everyone else?
If cannibal children have friends for dinner, do they get scolded for playing with their food beforehand?
Does watching the movie Hannibal make them hungry?
Do they eat a person from Turkey for Thanksgiving? Are the males served as butterballs? Does anyone eat the stuffing if they put it where I can only imagine they put it?
I bet it’s not wise for a cannibal to ask his girlfriend for a blow job on an empty stomach. Even then, he must really trust her.
Would cannibals eat salads if they were accentuated with Kevin Bacon bits?
Do cannibal men get horny or hungry when they leaf through Playboy magazines?
Some humans are allergic to nuts like almonds. Do you suppose some cannibals have similar reactions to nuts like schizophrenics? Or testicles?
I bet cannibals hate it when it costs an arm and a leg to put dinner on the table.
Do cannibal parents tell their children to stop sucking their thumbs because it will spoil their dinner?
Since saying they’re so hungry they could eat a horse isn’t appropriate, do cannibals say, “I’m so hungry I could eat a jockey”?
Do Meals On Wheels delivered to shut-in cannibals arrive in wheelchairs?
Do they serve sprinters at cannibal fast food joints?
Do cannibals call their barbeques in France French fries?
When an Australian cannibal says it’s time to put another shrimp on the barbie, is that a signal for midgets to start running?
Does a cannibal get gas when he eats an Exxon employee?
Does a cannibal’s stomach get tied up in knots after eating a contortionist?
If a cannibal eats a gay person who is afraid to come out, does he get constipated?
If a cannibal eats a debater, does it disagree with his stomach?
Do cannibals consider Michael Jackson to be white meat or dark?
Do cannibals consider eating O.J. Simpson a guilty pleasure...their version of dark chocolate?
A scene from a cannibal restaurant
Husband: “Waitress, my wife’s tongue is bitter and my eyes are glazed. And what is this?”
Waitress: “I’m sorry, sir. I seem to have given you the cold shoulder. You wanted a hot foot?”
Husband: “Yes.”
Wife: “My heart is broken, and this? It’s no skin off my back! It’s fatty as hell.”
Waitress: “My ass, it is.” *storms off*

Ten More Ways To Fit An Elephant Into A Car

I stumbled across the homepage of two zany English schoolgirls and saw that they had brainstormed 62 Ways to Get An Elephant Into A Car. I had them linked here, but sadly their page is no more.

Although their numbers two and three looked remarkably similar (they were exactly the same), I decided to let that slide..giving them the benefit of the doubt that they were indeed different. However, I think they forgot some of the more obvious ways to get an elephant into a car. Also, they did not specify whether we're talking about an Asian or an African elephant, so I'm rather limited as to how much help I can provide. Here we go anyway..

(Update-Feb, 2005: The two zany girls, Annie and Becca, live! And so does their website. Now you can see their list here. Enjoy!)

Eat it. Then get in the car yourself.
Borrow Monica Lewinsky's car. If she can get in, an elephant should be no problem.
Empty the ashtrays and glove compartment to free up space.
Put on a female elephant costume and pose seductively in the back seat. (From there, you're on your own!)
Send the elephant to clown school. You can fit oodles of clowns into a clown car.
Revoke its bus pass.
Designate the inside of the car as an elephant graveyard.
Pitch a Big Top tent in the car and open a circus.
Drive the car into the elephant, then turn them inside out. (My head hurts trying to picture if it would actually work. It makes sense if you pop a couple of the blue pills first.)
Think of how not to put an elephant in a car, then do the opposite.

PUCKer Up

Each year as winter gives way to spring, a significant portion of the Canadian population gathers in front of their television sets on a nightly basis as the quest for Lord Stanley's cup ensues. Facial hair goes unshaven, other body hair ungroomed, underwear and socks remain unchanged-simply because of superstitions that doing otherwise would bring bad luck to the teams they are supporting. All the while, already prominent beer bellies grow larger due to the mass consumption of alcohol. Even Canadian males have been known to partake in the rituals.

Just In Case You Need Further Proof That I've Completely Lost My Marbles...

From the Consonent Conservation Society:

Newscasters can really get on our nerves. One thing that really rankles us is that they all tend to waste n's. Only news anchors say "an horrific accident", or "an historic event". Do normal people talk like that? Perhaps just members of the Associated Press who spent just a little too much time as war correspondents (and shell-shock has caused their brains to malfunction). Or maybe stuffed shirt English scholars who dwelled just a little too long in dismal, dimly lit libraries. If it is indeed correct grammatically..well, it shouldn't be, when "a horrific accident" and "a historic accident" will suffice. After all..would said news anchors say "an horror flick" or "an history lesson"? No, they wouldn't! So why should affixes to the base of a word affect the articles preceding the word? Unless an h is silent at the beginning of a word, for the love of God, leave it alone! I guess you can probably guess that we're ready to shove "an hot poker" up the ass of the next person to unwittingly commit this faux pas.

The Vowel Conservation Society Responds:

We can learn something from the French. (I'll bet that's the least likely admission anyone's ever expected to hear.) We realize the only contribution these pantywaists have ever made to society are attitude and croissants, but they do know a thing or two when it comes to conserving vowels. Articles in the french language are "le", "la" (masculine and feminine) and "les" (plural). However, in a case where the preceding word begins with a vowel, the French drop the vowel from the article and add an apostrophe. (ie. le elephant-non, l'elephant-oui) We're proposing that the English follow this example. "The elephant" would become "th'elephant". "The apple" would become "th'apple". These examples simply roll off the tongue. And each time, you save an entire syllable. Imagine that! Sure, it might not sound like much..but over the course of a lifetime, these saved fractions of a second may save a person entire minutes..or hours, even days if you are a woman! And who can't use more free time? Everyone can! A petition will be circulating shortly. Please invest some of your future freely saved time to sign. Thank you.

The Apostrophe Conservation Society pipes in:

We hastily formed our group after hearing what the Vowel Conservation Society has up its sleeve. We do not want any such bastardization of the English language, and we cannot sit idly by as they petition for change. It simply is not necessary and their proposed time saving does not add up to a hill of beans. The apostrophe is a device for the lazy and the possessive. Hardly desirable qualities. We will not stand for any further bastardization of this beautiful language of ours. Shortcuts only lead to sloppiness, so you should not pay any heed to the proposal of the Vowel Conservation Society.

The Vowel Conservation Society's retort:

We hastily formed our group after hearing WHAT'S up the Vowel Conservation SOCIETY'S sleeve. We DON'T want any such bastardization of the English language, and we CAN'T sit idly by as they petition for change. IT'S simply not necessary and their proposed time saving does not add up to a hill of beans. The apostrophe is a device for the lazy and the possessive. Hardly desirable qualities. We WON'T stand for any further bastardization of this beautiful language of ours. Shortcuts only lead to sloppiness, so you SHOULDN'T pay any heed to the Vowel Conservation SOCIETY'S proposal. NEENER! NEENER!

From the now defunct Apostrophe Conservation Society:

We don't really exist. We knew you'd respond to us in such a childlike manner, so we decided to make you waste a portion of this valuable time saved that you were yammering about. HAR HAR! The jokes on you!

The Vowel Conservation Society is not amused:

GET BENT!

*Note: A friend of mine (Hi Lanza) pointed out that southerners have been conserving vowels all along. (ie. you all = y'all) I ascertain that this is more due to an overall lack of dental hygiene (you say funny things when you have no teeth), than a conscious effort to free up time.

The Trouble With Dead People...

Got a bone to pick with me? ...is that they're just no damn good for anything. They lay around all day doing nothing. Hell, they may as well be couch potatoes. But at least a couch potato can click a remote. A dead person just hangs on to a remote, not willing to let go..expecting you to believe it's due to rigor mortis or something. As if. So you can't leave them on the couch..they just start to stink up the place. I've never known a dead person to take a bath. You can't even store them in a chest in the basement or put them to use in the yard to scare away kids. Protocol calls for you to get rid of them. The sensible thing would be to chop them up so you could toss them in the fireplace to help heat the house, but NO!..people get wind of that and they get all up in arms, saying it's disrespectful. Like it wasn't disrespectful to interrupt the football game in the fourth quarter by keeling over face first in the bean dip?!!! The commotion that ensues almost makes you miss the end of the game, and of course there is no more dip in the fridge. To top things off, you only find eleven dollars in their wallet, and there's no sense taking the Rolex because it's the fake you bought to show them how much you really care. You can't bury them in the back yard because it's hard enough keeping the neighbourhood dogs from digging up the ones already buried there. (Oops! Let's just keep that between you and me..if you know what's good for you. *wink*) So they make you take them to the funeral home where they offer you the choice to burn them to a crisp. (And it was disrespectful to do that in the sanctity of my own home amongst loved ones???) Or you can shell out big bucks for a coffin, so they can lay around doing nothing in luxury? Like my home wasn't comfortable enough?! And as if that wasn't bad enough, relatives come from all around to pay their final respects and you're expected to talk to them. Good lord! Of course you find out that everything in the will goes to PETA whose views differ vastly from mine on the issue of cats. Grrr...Dead people..good for nothing but grief. Boy, I can't wait to die!

(You guessed right. I wasn't in the stickin' will.)

Click here to see Kooky Kaptions. I'm watching you. You better click, damn it!

We all know e-mail can be a pain. I have a solution if you just don't have the time. You've heard of prefabricated housing, but now there's RICK'S PREFABRICATED E-MAIL.

Click here and have me write your e-mail for you!

I've come up with my very own get rich scheme. Doesn't everyone have one? Buying lottery tickets just isn't panning out. So please click on the link below.

Click here to see my plea to stupid people

I came up my own tv spoilers for unaired episodes (episodes that should have been). Click on the link to see something I like to call TV MISGUIDED

Regis and Kelly agreed to interview me, asking an assortment of questions pulled from those pesky e-mail surveys that you're probably familiar with.

Click here to see a transcript of my appearance on Live With Regis and Kelly

I'm a sports fan and I've created a page where I have some fun with the names of athletes, and poked fun at some athletes themselves. I don't think you have to even like sports to get enjoyment out of the results.

Click here to see me Goofing On Sports

-------------------

It's your turn to feed the inmates. Watch your hands!

Click on the door to go to "Rick's Padded Cell" (about me page)

-------------------

Scatter-brained Thoughts

----------------------

Click here to go to my awards page

-------------------

Click here to go to my banners page

-------------------

Click here to win my award.

-------------------

Click here to see who has won my award.

-------------------

Click here to play some games

-------------------

Click here to go to my links page

----------------------

Click the banner to jump to my message board

View all current and past guestbook entries in one place (minus the broken links and images!) by clicking on the image directly above.

Add your name to my mailing list if you'd like to be notified when I add something to my page. Mailings will be infrequent because I'm to lazy to be too creative.

The song you would be hearing if I didn't remove my midi files is "Let's Go Crazy" by Prince. My scrawny, purple clad friend, I'm already there.