Here's the transcript of my recent appearance on LIVE With Regis and Kelly.

Regis: Our guest today is an odd character whose personal homepage has reach legend status. He approached us to interview him using select questions pulled from surveys that make the rounds on the internet. The idea is to delete your friend's answers and fill in your own and pass those answers to all your friends.

Kelly: Quite frankly, our guest is tired of these surveys and he wants to go public. Please welcome the creative genius behind Rick's Psycho Ward.

Regis: Genius?

Kelly: He wrote his own introduction.

Regis: Ok. to get things rolling...what's your name?

Rick: Martha Stewart. You’re interviewing the mastermind behind Rick’s Psycho Ward. What the hell do you think my name is?

Kelly: Sex?

Rick: Can’t we wait until the show’s over, Kelly?

Regis: No, she means what are you male or female? That’s what the survey asks next.

*Kelly kicks Regis on the shin.*

Kelly: After the show is fine, Rick.

Regis: Nickname?

Rick: Hey! Hey! Hey! Do you want to get in trouble with the FCC?

Regis: Location?

Rick: Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, Canada...also referred to as the Soo. Weren’t you paying attention when you visited my padded cell page?

Regis: Why should I be the first?

Kelly: I thought it was hilarious!

Regis: Hair colour?

Rick: Brown.

Kelly: Eye colour?

Rick: Hazel.

Regis: I dated a girl named Hazel in college. Did you know I went to Notre Dame?

Kelly: Did she charge by the hour, Rege?

Rick:: EVERYONE knows you went to Notre Dame, Regis. You keep reminding people.

Regis: Height?

Rick: 6’0”. Less when sitting.

Kelly: How many candles were there on your last birthday cake?

Rick: Cake? I was supposed to get a cake?

Kelly: No, I think the question means how old are you?

Rick: Older than my lack of maturity would indicate.

Kelly: Boy, you're more evasive than Regis filling out his income tax.

*Regis glowers.*

Regis: On what date do you blow the candles out on your cake?

Rick: April 11th, but my birthday is February 5th. Mark it on your calandars.

Kelly: Ooh…Aquarius. (starts singing) “This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, Age of Aquarius, Aquarius, Aquar…

*Regis unplugs her microphone*

Regis: Parents?

Rick: I have two of them.

Regis: Do you get along with your parents?

Rick: As long as I’m in their will, yes.

*Kelly plugs her mike back in.*

Kelly: Favourite colour?

Rick: Green. Probably because I’m Irish. If my French half had any influence on me, I’m sure it would be yellow.

Regis: Irish, you say? Go Fighting Irish! I went to Notre Dame, you know…

Go Irish!

Rick and Kelly: We know!

Regis: And you’re part French too? I’m told there’s a Notre Dame in France too. But no football team. Just some guy who rings a bell. What’s with that?

Audience: *groans*

Kelly: If you could dye your hair one colour, what would it be?

Rick: Plaid.

Regis: If you could have a tattoo, what of and where would it be?

Rick: A pink bunny up you’re ass! God, I hate tattoos. Major turn off.

Kelly: Ouch!

Regis: I already have a shamrock there.

Kelly: A tattoo?

Regis: No, an actual shamrock. You've heard of people being accused of having a horseshoe up their butt? Why not a shamrock? It gives me good luck.

Rick: Or fiber, at least.

Kelly: Ha ha ha!

Kelly: Don't look at me. I didn't say it!

Regis: Do you have any body piercings?

Rick: Nope.

Regis: I have a Prince Albert. Joy made me get it. Want to see?

*Regis unzips his pants.*

Rick: Ummm…no, we’ll file that under the too much info department, ok?

Kelly: You know, Regis did a show with his fly unzipped in November, 2001. I couldn't see a thing.

Gelman: Neither could the zoom lens.

Regis: May I remind everyone who hands out the paychecks around here?

Audience: *hisses*

Regis: What do you do for a living?

Rick: Breathe.

Kelly: If you can turn into an animal (real or imaginary), which one would you choose?

Rick: A thoroughbred horse stud. Bring on the mares!

*Kelly fans herself*

Kelly: Do you smoke?

Rick: Only when I’m on fire.

Regis: Is the glass half empty or half full?

Rick: It’s empty. I just drank what was in it. Gelman, get me another. Pronto. Make it a double.

Kelly: Top mine off while you're at it, Gelman.

Regis: You're drinking on the job?

Kelly: How else do you think I put up with you?

Regis: Please! I get enough of that at home.

Regis: What’s on your ceiling?

Rick: Paint, a ceiling fan and the spooky thing from the hospital in Exorcist III. Hmmm…remind me to move.

Regis: What’s your favourite colour to paint your toenails?

Rick: I'll tell you after I knock your head off for asking me a gay question like that!

Regis: It’s on the survey!

Kelly: Wait a minute, Rege…that looks like it’s pencilled in. And it's your handwriting!

Regis: Does not! *grabs the sheet*

Regis: Pick a song that best describes you.

Rick: Desperado by the Eagles. I’ll bet you were thinking Super Freak. Or even more likely, Macho Man?

Kelly: I was!

Rick: Just how much have you been drinking?

*Kelly hiccups*

Regis: Which do you prefer, Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese Doritos?

Rick: Neither. And I spit in them while you guys weren’t looking.

*Regis spits out his Dorito*

Kelly: Coke or Pepsi?

Rick: Pepsi. Especially after they set Michael Jackson’s hair on fire.

Kelly: How do you eat your Oreo?

Rick: Eat the cream, fling the wafers at pedestrians like Frisbees.

Kelly: Which kind of milk is your favourite?

Rick: Cow milk.

Regis: Which kind of fruit would you be and why?

Rick: Sorry, I don’t swing that way. I thought I warned you about the gay questions.

Regis: What colour is hate? Why?

Rick: What a stupid question. Who wrote this, the Ku Klux Klan? Hate is hate. And it's ugly. Hate broccoli, not people.

Kelly: Do you eat chicken fingers with a fork?

Rick: No, I eat them with my teeth.

Regis: Favourite season?

Rick: Summer. Heat and scantily clad chicks!

Kelly: Ooh, Rick! I think it's getting hot in here!

*Kelly starts to strip.*

Regis: I love to take off my shirt in the summertime.

*Kelly throws up*

Kelly: Well there goes that moment.

Regis: Pregnant again?

Kelly: Ummm...yeah...sure, boss. You're on the ball as usual.

Regis: Do you believe in yourself?

Rick: No, I'm a figment of my imagination. Yours too. Could I do this if I was real? *kicks Regis in the groin*

*Kelly grimaces*

Kelly: Apparently so.

*Regis crawls backstage*

Kelly: Who are the most annoying people you know?

Rick: People that want me to answer surveys.

Kelly: Do you have children?

Rick: Thank God, no!

Kelly: I have two! Michael and Lola! They're adorable! Gelman! Toss me Lola!

Kelly: Isn't she the cutest thing you've ever seen!

Rick: Is someone channeling Kathie Lee through you?

Kelly: How many boys/girls?

Rick: Are you deaf?

Kelly: Future son names?

Rick: Gertrude and Sissy boy.

Kelly: Future daughter names?

Rick: Pugsley, Biff and Heifer.

Kelly: Do you know anyone who has died?

Rick: No, after they die, that pretty much ends the relationships.

Kelly: When was the last time you cried?

Rick: When Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr split up.

Kelly: Do you get motion sickness?

Rick: Only when I stand still.

Kelly: If there are 3 wells: health, wealth, and knowledge, and you can drink from only two of them, which ones do you drink from?

Rick: Health and wealth. I’d pay somebody to think for me.

Kelly: Do you have any bad habits?

Rick: Telling kids there is no Santa. Oops! Did I just say that live on national television? Heh.

Kelly: Favourite body part of the opposite sex?

Rick: The face, the breasts, the butt, the whole package is fine by me!

*Kelly blushes and fans herself some more.*

Kelly: Is this interview almost over, Gelman?

Gelman: Gee, I hope so.

Rick: Haven’t you been sent any of these surveys? Questions never end.

*Regis returns sporting a bag of ice.*

Regis: I haven’t.

Rick: Why doesn’t that surprise me?

Kelly: Gelman! *points at empty glass*

Regis: Favourite thing to wear?

Rick: Clothes.

Regis: What’s your favourite number?

Rick: 6,754.

Regis: Favourite word or phrase?

Rick: Tablecloth.

Kelly: Favourite Smell?

Rick: Vomit in a hot car.

Kelly: Who is the hottest guy or girl in the world?

Rick: The Human Torch from the Fantastic Four.

Regis: Who are you crushing on?

Rick: Midgets. Do, like, ummm…teenagers, like, write these questions?

Kelly: They’re, like, totally awesome!

Regis: What’s on your mouse pad?

Rick: A mouse.

Kelly: Mouse pad! Sounds like a little apartment for mice! *giggles*

Regis: Sounds like my first New York apartment! Only instead of mice, there were rats! New York City. GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD!

Rick: Are you two finished? I’m surprised the terrorists didn’t target this studio instead of the WTC.

Regis and Kelly: Whys that?

Rick: Uggh. Never mind.

Regis: Favourite television show?

Rick: Who’s Line Is It Anyway?

Regis: That can be seen on ABC-home of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?! But don’t you mean LIVE With REGIS…

Kelly: …and KELLY!

Rick: Only if you said least favourite.

Regis: You’re such a kidder!

Rick: Guilty. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? is worse than this.

*Regis glares.*

Regis: Worst feeling in the world?

Rick: Seeing one of these surveys in my inbox. Either that or when you staple your lips and tongue together.

Regis: It is not! It’s trying to conduct a serious interview with you!

Kelly: How many rings before you answer the phone?

Rick: 2,547,946.

Kelly: What color is your bedroom carpet?

Rick: I can't tell with all the blood stains.

Regis: Chocolate or vanilla?

Rick: No comment. Johnny Cochrane would play the race card if I said vanilla.

Kelly: Croutons or bacon bits?

Rick: Ok, this question makes it’s way onto every single one of these surveys without fail. This is important? WHO CARES! I’ll have both of them if I want. Or neither. No one has ever forced me to make a choice between the two, and probably never will.

Regis: Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Rick: That’s sick! Do I look that desperate?

Regis: Well, actually…

Kelly: I sleep with my teddy Snookums every night! And bunny Foo Foo, and…

Rick: Next question.

Regis: If you could meet one person dead or alive, who would it be?

Rick: I don’t think dead people can hold up their end of the conversation.

Kelly: What do you want to be for Halloween?

Rick: Toe jam.

Regis: Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?

Rick: No, mostly on the wrong keys.

Regis: If you could be one gardening tool, what would you be?

Rick: Why would I want to be a gardening tool?

Kelly: I’d be a hoe! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Regis: Good grief. I’m starting to miss Kathie Lee.

Regis: If you could be anything in the kitchen, what would you be?

Rick: The toaster. Up and down. Up and down.

Kelly: Me too! Only this toaster has to pee! *runs offstage*

Regis: What’s under your bed?

Rick: As if reminding me of the creepy thing from Exorcist III on my ceiling wasn't enough, now you’ve made me really paranoid. Thanks a lot.

Regis: Favourite sport to watch?

Rick: Hockey, football, midget tossing, and of course, the nude pole vault.

Regis: Did you say football? I’m a Notre Dame alum myself...

Audience: Can it, Regis!!!

Rick: Didn't Notre Dame give you an honorary degree for contributions to the school? Couldn't you earn a real one?

*Regis mumbles under his breath.*

Regis: Do you feel life insurance is important?

Rick: Only if I’m the beneficiary.

Regis: What’s your favourite salad dressing?

Rick: Does Paul Newman make up these stupid surveys?

Regis: Are you trendy?

Rick: No, I’m Rick.

*Kelly returns, fresh drink in hand.*

Kelly: Whee! That was fun! Did someone mention nude pole vaulting? *grins*

Regis: Who is your second family?

Rick: The one in the photo that came with my wallet.

Regis: What words or phrases do you overuse?

Rick: "I shouldn't have done that" and "Oops!…don't worry, you have another one."

Kelly: Who do you send these surveys to that responds the fastest?

Rick: The Flash.

Kelly: Who is the last person you got e-mail from?

Rick: Andrea. XXX…Hot Russian Girls!

Regis: Have you ever been convicted of a crime?

Rick: No. I have a great lawyer.

Regis: Which store would you choose to max your credit card?

Rick: Hooters.

Kelly: What store would you never be caught dead in?

Rick: Victoria’s Secret. Trying things on, anyway.

Regis: Are you a daredevil?

Rick: Yes. I'm Robbie Knieval. Busted!

Kelly: Have you ever intentionally hurt another person physically?

Rick: Mental cruelty's my thing.

Regis: Do you like sarcasm?

Rick: Who? Me? No, Einstein.

Regis: Do you always wear a seat belt?

Rick: Not in bed.

*Kelly snorts*

Kelly: Have you ever given money to a bum?

Rick: I’d prefer to place it in someone’s hand.

Regis: What’s your favourite thing to do on weekends?

Rick: Touch my nose with my tongue.

Regis: What’s your favourite thing to do on weekdays?

Rick: Touch other people’s noses with my tongue.

Kelly: What is your deepest fear?

Rick: That someone will send me another survey.

Kelly: If you could do one thing to the person you hated the most in the world, what would you do?

Rick: Why, I’d send them a survey, of course. And that's my final answer. I can't take this anymore.

*Audience applauds.*

Rick: Ready to go, Kelly?

Kelly: You bet! *Kelly starts to get up...and promptly passes out.*

Regis: Hey! I'm free for brunch! Letterman won't return my calls.

Rick: Sorry, Regis. I have to go water my plants.

Regis: But you live in Sault Ste. Marie!

Rick: I better hurry then.

*Cut to commercial.*

Rick: You're right, Gelman. The Regis at Madame Toussaud's is much more authentic. Boy, do they always change clothes that often during an interview? Now where's my appearance fee?

*Rick leaves the studio*.

A few minutes later...

Kelly: Rick? Rick? Oh shoot!

Regis: Your loverboy's long gone. And by the're fired, Ripa!

*Regis cackles with laughter*

Kelly: Only if you want the media to get their hands on those pictures of you trying on lingerie in my dressing room.

Regis: God I hate you, Ripa!

Kelly: Yeah, yeah. Now be a dear and give me a foot rub.

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