Comedic genius doesn't rush for anyone. My page, unfortunately, doesn't either. Just go on picking your nose or something while it loads, please. Good things come to those who wait. My page will as well. Now, press your right hand against the monitor so I can verify your security clearance. Come on! I've given you a 50-50 chance. Oh, all right! Either hand will do. Hmmm...even though you look like a pretty seedy character, I'm going to let you proceed. I hope you find that it was worth the wait. One word of caution...don't incite a riot. I'm capable of doing that on my own.
Top Twelve Reasons to Visit My Page
It's almost worth the price of admission.
No animals were harmed during the making of this page. (Well, maybe a few cats) *evil grin*
Because your parents wouldn't approve of it.
I've wasted my time. I may as well waste your time too.
I'll hunt you down if you don't.
Because I have no friends. (Cue the violins)
Nudity could spring up at any moment. (Well, it COULD happen!)
You may be enlightened with some divine truth. (Well, maybe not.)
You obviously have nothing better to do!
This page is wheelchair accessible.
It's better than a kick in the head (although it's subject to debate).
I'll still respect you in the morning. (Gals only. Guys, you can look, but you can't touch.)
Why twelve, you ask? Well, Letterman has ten. I don't want to be associated with him-he used to be funny and have an edge. How the mighty fall. Why not eleven? I have an aversion to twin digits, ok? Why not thirteen? Sure, you'd like that! Haven't you ever heard of triskaidekaphobia? Do you want me to break my neck or something? Don't answer! So, it's twelve, ok?
In the aftermath of the recent bloodbath which began as
a friendly tour by Girl Scout Troop 4553, we have been
required to install a metal detector through which all
visitors must pass. Since when did they start handing out badges for creative shank creation and their employment??? And furthermore...no more Girl Scouts!!! On a lighter note...the men in intensive care recovering from their injuries appreciate the cookies...and whoever lost their brothel madam badge may claim it in the lost and found box.
Ok. Let's get this tour under way...Gals, kindly step behind the white line. Fellas, proceed single file through the metal detector. Single file! You two can carry on like that later. Now there, you, sir. What have we here? That's not much of a concealed weapon, is it? I don't think anyone has anything to worry about there. Oh, I believe it's fully functional. Sure, I do. *wink* You may go through, but we do have a dress code, so please put on your pants first if you brought any. Next!
All right gals, you're next. Hey! Who snorted the white line!? <...begin public service announcement...This site was created drug free. If the human mind can be this skewed without the benefit of drugs, just think how badly screwed up it is capable of getting with chemical enhancement. Scary thought, eh?...end public service announcement.> Well girls, I've got good news and bad news. It appears that the metal detector is broken. I'm afraid you're going to have to be frisked. See, the good news/bad news is all a matter of perspective! Yours and mine. Let me know if you don't see the bad news in this. We'll talk later. *wink* You there! Are those scopes registered? Well they should be. They can be checked behind the counter, if you know what I mean. *wink* Strip search! Kindly remove your garments. Well done! Kindly strut past the security camera. Wave to the guys in the booth. They're professionals! I swear! The things they put up with in the line of duty...tsk, tsk. Ok, time for a cavity search. We can't be too cautious. Hmmm...I think you enjoyed that a tad too much! Carry on. Next! You again? What did you do, go to the back of the line for another go around? I like your thinking! Now let's get on with you tour. Enjoy! As a reward for your patience, the dress code will be waived.
If you want, you can now view this page in Ultra-Sense-Surround and Ultra-3-D No special download is required.
Ultra-Sense-Surround only seems to work during earthquakes, so you may want to consider a move to San Francisco and acquiring a laptop in case of power failure. Ultra-3-D requires a pair of 3-D glasses. Those alone accomplish nothing. Just slap yourself upside the head repeatedly for the desired effect. Works for me!
I'm working on an Ultra-Scratch-and-Sniff feature. Be thankful that I still have a few bugs to work out yet!
Rave reviews for Rick's Psycho Ward:
*Note:The following was written before the untimely death of Gene Siskel, but I'm not removing it because I think he had a sense of humour. R.I.P. Gene. Thumbs up to you.
I laughed, I cried...Well, I cried when that damn Ebert stole my popcorn. Then I whacked him on the back and a piece got lodged in his throat and he started to turn blue. That got me laughing my ass off; with his eyes bulging out of their sockets and him flopping around on the floor, he looked just like a beached whale! Then I started to cry again when I realized I was the only one there and had to perform CPR on him...But that turned out to be somewhat pleasant, nay, arousing! Needless to say, we've been an item ever since. What did you think we did together in a dark theatre by ourselves anyway? What? Rick's page? Hell, I don't know-I've had blinders on since that day. But that's a totally different story, one best kept behind closed doors. *blush* My thumbs up for Roger though....Gene Siskel
Rick's page? What a bunch of #@&!$*% !!! You told them what, Gene? How could you! Just you wait until we get home! I'll give you a thumbs up, you scrawny little weasel!....Roger Ebert
Rick's Psycho Ward:Two Thumbs Up-Siskel and Ebert
I don't get it! This is supposed to be amusing? It's hilarious what some people pass off as entertainment. It had me so anxious to get rolling that I literally stumbled in the aisle on my way out. Preposterous!-Rex Reed
Rick's Psycho Ward: "...get it!...amusing...hilarious...entertainment. It had me...rolling...in the aisle"-Rex Reed
I believe in free speech and am willing to pay the price to maintain
Welcome to the lunatic fringe. Be careful-the inmates run this
An evil entity has taken over Rick. Friends of mine may be asking,
"How can you tell?" Good question! Hey, I pay you well to be my friends, so
no comments from the peanut gallery.
You may be asking yourself, "Why am I here?" Well, bear with me and
you may have a chance to win a lot of money!! There may be myriad reasons as
to why you are here:
a)You are lost and just wandered in.
b)You know me and are checking out my page.
c)You are a sucker for punishment.
If b) is true, then c) applies to you too.
d)You are stalking me.
e)You are nuts.
Again, if b) is true...
f)You work for the government and are making sure I behave (this time)
g)Word of mouth (meaning someone pulled a fast one on you!)
All eight of the above.
If you happened to notice that there were only seven of the above,
not eight: 1)I know; 2)You are much too anal retentive. If you just went
back and counted, you definitely are anal retentive. Oh, and that chance to
win a lot of money-it was a FAT chance. :-p
My Web Polls
Well, it seems the wonderful hosts of my web polls neglected to tell me that they stopped calculating results and were no longer displaying them. Thank you so much Free Polls and Quizlet! No, I really mean it. Luckily, I saved the results in November 2001, so all was not lost. The polls are still active, so please use the handy form below to send your answers to me, and Iíll update the response page ASAP. Please participate. All answers are confidential. No, really..I mean it this time!
Don't forget to bookmark my site in your "Least Favourite Sites" folder before you go running off!
Hi all! The Maytag repairman probably
gets more e-mail than me. Does this sound like a cry for help? Don't worry,
someone hid my razor blades. I wouldn't blame you for not writing-who knows,
I might actually answer. Now there's a scary thought.
I'm a sports fan and I've created a page where I have some fun with the names of athletes, and poked fun at some athletes themselves. I don't think you have to even like sports to get enjoyment out of the results.
I added entirely new games as of February 14th, 2001. Test your skill in a variety of simplistic games, including the ever popular Washed Up Celebrities Dunking Booth. Or see how you fare with the Love Tester and the Tarot Toy. I provide these because, by golly, there just aren't enough ways to waste time on the internet.
I thought that I told you to bookmark this sucker. Oh, I'm sorry. You must be waiting for your mommy's permission. Hey, you never know when a case of insomnia will strike. Reading my page is a sure cure. Tell your friends, wake the neighbours! You don't have to suffer alone! Please, take the time to sign my guestbook and/or guestmap and let me know what you think of my page. There's more lunacy on the other pages if you enjoyed this one.
View all current and past guestbook entries in one place (minus the broken links and images!) by clicking on the image directly above.
Add your name to my mailing list if you'd like to be notified when I add something to my page. Mailings will be infrequent because I'm to lazy to be too creative.
Hey! I've added a message board for anyone to sound off on. Don't be shy, leave your mark. Something bugging you? Besides me, that is? Pet peeves? Peeved pets? Something important to you? Let yourself be heard! *begin subliminal message...
You will sign my guestbook and/or guestmap first! If you enjoyed the site, it's the least you can do. A lot of effort was put into creating it, so let me know what you think of it. Please? Don't just be a taker. Be a giver. You'll feel better about yourself....end subliminal message*
Just click on the banner for the message board experience. Please join in on the hijinx. It's your chance to interact directly with me and the dysfunctional regulars that assemble here.
The song that would be embedded in your brain if I didn't remove my midi files is "Pressure" by Billy Joel