It can seem difficult to dissolve the ego when discussing relationships. And yet, the nature of relationship, of relating to someone else is a pure form of connection that does not involve ego or id. The pure essences of Buddhism: wisdom, morality and concentration; are the things that can connect us to each other in that pure essential form. There is nothing more ful-filling, more dissatisfaction-shattering, more suffering-relieving than a pure connection with another spirit.

At the same time, there is nothing more common and mundane than grasping at that connection. The only way to keep the magic alive in a relationship is by continually being in a state of letting go, of setting free, of releasing. These are deep and profound truths that I have realized with the help of many friends, but mostly through the help of Chris Crounse, Ryan Larsen, and Maximillian Sanchez. These three men are inspirational gurus to me. I cannot thank them enough for all the good they have done me. I only hope I can help them similarly. Perhaps I already have.

I'm very unhappy right now and all I can see is that I've put myself here. It was starting this weekend, that last post was hinting at it by referring to it ironically. Now I'm in the throes of a depression I've created for myself. I should be able to pull myself out of it, but everything thing that usually works seems to bring me right back to that place.

I have nothing to complain about, really. Last night was wonderful, I hung out with Purple most of the afternoon sewing and watching "Home of the Brave" and "The Sarassota Manuscript", then on his urging I went to the Vogue and had a great time. I first called Craig to suggest that he should wait for me to show up at his apartment, because I'd printed out some pictures for him he'd requested, pictures off the Internet that Maxwell had uploaded of actors playing the emcee of "Cabaret" at Studio 54 in New York, the revival that had made Alan Cummings a household name. In turn, Craig showed me his H.P. Lovecraft "Tarot" deck.

I decided to wear the dress Purple had given me as a gift for the holidays. He'd come across a very fun spagetti-string sheath dress that had an outer sheer shell, printed with the face of the buddha in rainbow colors. It fits me perfectly and I like the fact that I look very feminine in it although I feel very masculine at the same time. I wore my lace up boots and did a psudo-riot grrl look. I turned the heads of several supposedly "straight" guys. I wore my black rain coat over the top with my leather top hat, so I looked my very best "Mr. Hyde" while walking with Craig to the Vogue.

Although I've never sought out an escort while I'm out walking in drag, but I like Craig's presence around me while I'm wearing a dress. I've never had any trouble walking around the hill in dresses, which I've been doing since I first moved here in 1989. There is always a first time for trouble and I suppose the whole psychology of why I like wearing dresses is that it balances my sense of vunerability. I feel very much the same when I'm with Chris, although perhaps for different reasons and there I don't have to even be wearing a dress.

Trent was also at the Vogue with a friend he's been staying with, Jane. Trent is always fun to be around as you never know what funny thing he will say next. He's returning to Reno this week to spend some time with his parents. I offered to do a Tarot reading for him with the deck I'd brought along. It was my old Hanson-Roberts deck I'd purchased year and years ago as a self-birthday-gift. I like the deck because all the images are uncommonly bright and sunny, even the darker cards like "Death". I've always gotten the most positive readings from this deck.
Trent was very pleased with the reading and I hope it helps him deal with his life in Reno.

I am feeling a little better now although I've certainly been in better moods. Today just seems to be a process of surmounting the unsurmountable. I get easily defeated by immediate failure. What I need to remind myself is that the solution is somewhere in that devestation. I only take positive action, sometimes, when there is no other direction to go but up.

I must remind myself I have prosperity, resources, and I have my dreams, all important things. Also, comfort comes from taking care of myself. I'm self-sufficient and I can solve the problems in my life, one at a time. I just need to take the first step in my continuing journey.

Last weekend I had all planned and it turned out to be quite fun. This weekend I don't have planned and I'm wondering how much fun it could be. Randomness always asserts a certain amount of fun into nearly everything. Oddly, I don't have much to say here. I'll try to post again soon. I promise. No, really. I will. Give me time. Or email me and tell me you read this. It might work. It might not.

Talked to Skater-Pie last night for about an hour and a half. I'm always amazed at how much that works to shrink my brain. It doesn't even have to be very deep conversation, although we do get into the deep stuff pretty easily; at least I don't shy away from it and he's never indicated being uncomfortable about talking about anything in particular. Even so, I always feel better afterward and I usually find I can focus better on important stuff because I have a better idea of my goals with him.

Been working on some Tarot readings I promised at the beginning of the month. I hope to start writing on my novel again soon. I've been itching to add to what wrote in November. It has been just too long. I need to do all that and build some new blank journals for Amy. She gave me a small check for the ones that had sold over the holidays. I may never make a living creating these journals, but the peace of mind I gain from creating them is more than any money I could get. All the same, it is nice to get pocket change from time to time.

a poem from June 22, 2000

The City. Where people gather their obsessions. A party that celebrates every day. When I walk between buildings with stalactite girders grown by the hands of men, I move with the city.

When I stop, the whole world slips by, whirling around me. Wild men live here, brightly colored. We meet at the intersections of thoughts and ideas. We prey on each other, living in each other's eyes.

I dream of violent art, flames engulfing emotion, performance of the extreme. I observe the daily abuses of humankind perpetrated on itself. How do we protect our relations with each other? Where is the compassion?

I once had a dream that I could reinvent myself and dream reality unsupported by physicality. I find I've made mistakes, mistaking an impossibility for a reality. I am exhausted with my life. Is that good or bad?

I visualize Buddha nature.

I think I've come down to earth this weekend. Since the first of the year I've been channeling fire energy and my life has been full of the little surprises. It is difficult to elaborate here, but most of the surprises have to do with this channeled energy. For example, I've been doing a fair amount of Tarot readings and I'm finding I seem to have a knack for doing them for other people. As a result, my personal readings have become opaque and complex, leaving me with a sense of mutable airy-ness. I feel like I'm just here in the present and my future, although rife with possibility, is merely an illusion of the moment. Who knows what will happen next.

My friend Ryan is coming over tonight to conduct another guided meditation, similar to the one we conducted a week ago. That one was very interesting and I found myself in a very suggestible state afterwards. Several things he said to me sunk in quite deep and I found myself referring back to them. The best thing that has developed from this is that Ryan will be taking a course to get a state licesnse. I'm hoping I can help him achieve his dream of becoming a hypnotherapist.

Happy New Year!

The year has turned and I've been having a blast up here in Vancouver. The only thing missing is my Skater-Pie. He spent New Year's Eve with his friend Ruckus, which I'm happy they were able to share together. I spent the time with Chris Weeks and Rick Bellairs, who Skater-Pie introduced me to this summer. We've been trading stories back and forth and really enjoying each other's company. They are very special people and I am so grateful to CC for introducing me to them.

These two men have been sharing their lives together for so long that I cannot help but be inspired by their love and consideration for each other. I have learned such valuable lessons from them and they have listened quietly to my stories learning what they can from me. It will be very hard for me to return to Seattle and my life there knowing that just across the border there are special people living such fulfilling lives.

But it gives me hope for my future. I have discovered I have a talent for reading Tarot cards. I've been studying the Book of Thoth, a unique version of the Tarot developed by Crowley and I now see how I can further my interest by including what I know and have learned from various and disparate people into my readings. I even have an idea for a new design for my front page, although I have one more addition to the front door that I intend to implement as soon as I return to Seattle. In the meantime, I am looking to spend some time today writing on my novel. yeah! Vancouver is very good to me. I would very much like to live here someday. I will have to come up with the right combination of living situation and continuing creative job.