Volpane In Love

Decade Archive of my personal blog from 1999 to 2009.

Monday, January 27, 2003

I'm very unhappy right now and all I can see is that I've put myself here. It was starting this weekend, that last post was hinting at it by referring to it ironically. Now I'm in the throes of a depression I've created for myself. I should be able to pull myself out of it, but everything thing that usually works seems to bring me right back to that place.

I have nothing to complain about, really. Last night was wonderful, I hung out with Purple most of the afternoon sewing and watching "Home of the Brave" and "The Sarassota Manuscript", then on his urging I went to the Vogue and had a great time. I first called Craig to suggest that he should wait for me to show up at his apartment, because I'd printed out some pictures for him he'd requested, pictures off the Internet that Maxwell had uploaded of actors playing the emcee of "Cabaret" at Studio 54 in New York, the revival that had made Alan Cummings a household name. In turn, Craig showed me his H.P. Lovecraft "Tarot" deck.

I decided to wear the dress Purple had given me as a gift for the holidays. He'd come across a very fun spagetti-string sheath dress that had an outer sheer shell, printed with the face of the buddha in rainbow colors. It fits me perfectly and I like the fact that I look very feminine in it although I feel very masculine at the same time. I wore my lace up boots and did a psudo-riot grrl look. I turned the heads of several supposedly "straight" guys. I wore my black rain coat over the top with my leather top hat, so I looked my very best "Mr. Hyde" while walking with Craig to the Vogue.

Although I've never sought out an escort while I'm out walking in drag, but I like Craig's presence around me while I'm wearing a dress. I've never had any trouble walking around the hill in dresses, which I've been doing since I first moved here in 1989. There is always a first time for trouble and I suppose the whole psychology of why I like wearing dresses is that it balances my sense of vunerability. I feel very much the same when I'm with Chris, although perhaps for different reasons and there I don't have to even be wearing a dress.

Trent was also at the Vogue with a friend he's been staying with, Jane. Trent is always fun to be around as you never know what funny thing he will say next. He's returning to Reno this week to spend some time with his parents. I offered to do a Tarot reading for him with the deck I'd brought along. It was my old Hanson-Roberts deck I'd purchased year and years ago as a self-birthday-gift. I like the deck because all the images are uncommonly bright and sunny, even the darker cards like "Death". I've always gotten the most positive readings from this deck.
Trent was very pleased with the reading and I hope it helps him deal with his life in Reno.

I am feeling a little better now although I've certainly been in better moods. Today just seems to be a process of surmounting the unsurmountable. I get easily defeated by immediate failure. What I need to remind myself is that the solution is somewhere in that devestation. I only take positive action, sometimes, when there is no other direction to go but up.

I must remind myself I have prosperity, resources, and I have my dreams, all important things. Also, comfort comes from taking care of myself. I'm self-sufficient and I can solve the problems in my life, one at a time. I just need to take the first step in my continuing journey.


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