Commodore 64 Archives
Ah, Commodore 64. My least favorite system to hunt through, but contains some of my favorite boards. Yeah, Commodore 64 has had tons of cool topics throughout the ages, almost as many as Atari 2600, but lots of them are gone now, and most I didn't get to save. I blame rap music and television.
Commodore 64
  • Zamzara - Hey! Have you ever said to yourself, "Gee, I sure wish I could find more ways to further the illusion that Zamzara is the capital of the secret boards, or even a fun place to post,"? Of course you have, shut up. Anyway, this topic, "BEST USER EVER Finals..." was made by Leinad. It was this whole tournament ol' 'nad (lolololol) dreamed up that lasted for a good portion of 2005. Zamzara has a history of holding contests to determine the "best" of things that deal with secret boards. Problem is, most people that participate haven't been around long enough to fully appreciate anything that hasn't been established in the spectrum of the last 6 months. This one was to determine the greatest GameFAQs user of all time. For a Zamzara contest, it was actually rather well-done. A huge variety of users were nominated, including greats like Medea and NinjaMaster. I wish I still had the bracket. Obviously, Scum made it to the final two. And.. so did I. Something I'll never understand, as I wasn't even aware I was in the contest until it was almost over. Anyway, enough suspense. Go ahead and find out who won! Let me just say, the phrase "may the best man win" is terribly quixotic.

    You may think I just have an irrational hatred for Zamzara. Trust me, it's mutual. Proof? They made sure this topic purged within a week of the contest ending, yet they keep around crap like AMK topics and results of other contests.

  • Willow Pattern Adventure - Before rav, before slobr, Groovi, war, LCC, Agent, even before dwimmy, before all the hunters I met and became friends with, I met DocProc. Or rather, WillowPillow. "Xim has lots of karma." was created by him here. It wasn't the topic I met him in, there were about five on the board before this one, but this was the longest lasting one.

  • Sorcery - Ah, I finally have a topic from the sexy dwimmerlaik's board. This one is by me, and it's an interesting little continue the story topic that kind of piddles out towards the end in the update department, to say the least. Crypt of Scum veterans will probably recognize the first post. It should be noted that this was the topic that made me want to rip off Infinite Rebirth and write a secret board story of my own. And that story is, like, on Tales of Monsterpath and stuff.

  • Secret Diary of Adrian Mole - You know what's even better than cool and funny topics? Topics talking about cool and funny topics. In this case, posts. This one, forged by Medea, does just that. She called it "Secret Board Hunting's Classic Quotes!" and it's a large collection of some of the best quotes people found while secret board hunting, despite what the title might lead you to believe. Definitely worth a look. But I'm going to charge you two looks, because profits have been down this month.

  • No, Never Outside! - It's no secret that some of the greatest literary magnates of our age reside in the underbelly of GameFAQs. To wit: Adventurer's topic, "!!The Amazing Adventures of RdDragon and Scum!!". The hilarity of this story is almost as remarkable as its prolificy. I'm almost certain that's not a word. Prolificacy? Proliferacy? Pro-life-I-see? Anyway, for those not in the know, Adventurer is really NinjaMaster. But chances are, if you're not in the know, that fact might not help and you're probably plotting your revenge on me as you read this. Well, suffice to say, NM's honestly one of the funniest people I've ever known, and this story shall be Exhibit A in my upcoming lawsuit. Of the several secret board stories that have festered on the secret boards over the years, this one is my personal favorite. Read it, it's very funny.

  • Mario's Brewery - Take a dive into the wacky world of penguin waiters, Mario-themed foods, and the most expensive glass of milk you'll ever encounter. Welcome to.. "Mario's Imperial Bar & Grill"! This was Starmy's bar. We need more topics like this on the secret boards. There's already plenty of "bars" out there, but very few ever actually follow through the whole image. Red Maw, I'm looking at you. I actually saved this a long time ago, but never put it up. I wonder when it purged..

  • Mad Doctor - This is DocProc's board. Long ago, Proc, rav, slobr, Binro, Mr Agent Guy, Hawkins and me used to tear this place up like nobody's business. But then I stopped going and so did Proc and everything started to go downhill, and then I was probably yelled at for forgetting to add someone to that list in the sentence before this one. We should really start that place back up again. It's only one of a few boards where I've ever felt that I and my craziness truly belong. Anyway, this topic is by Procers, and he titled it "Welcome to my secret board!(Please sign in)". Yeah, it's your generic guestbook, nothing too interesting going on. If anybody has some of the older Mad Doctor topics saved, I'd gladly put 'em up. No donations makes greedy Xim cry.

  • Mad Doctor - This one's called "I was trying to avoid making a topic here..." and it was created by the evil Giacomo Hawkins. He actually ripped this off of a topic of mine on Mad Doctor called "I was trying to avoid making a topic here..". Creating this topic in turn spawned a whole slew of other topics with the same name, except with more "..."s at the end. I was the one who made the first one, but Hawkins turned it into the MD (pun intended) fad it is. This further proves his evil tendencies. Oh, I'll expose that malevolent mastermind yet. This isn't the original, but in my opinion, it's the best of the bunch.

  • Mad Doctor - By Proc, called "So how did you get your GameFAQs name?", this topic tells the exciting tales and adventures that led some of us to our names.

  • Logical - Entitled "*looks around*", this topic was created by Pau Pau. Apparently, she was waiting for me to arrive, but I had already passed by awhile before. Oh pish posh and stabberwocky, dry those tears. I found the place later and ruined Pau Pau and littleman's conversation, don't fret. There are parts that might seem a little confusing shortly after I found the board. Basically, I was mad because I searched through almost all of Commodore 64, but when I finally found the place, I realized littleman had already told me the name of the board when he gave me a hint to find it. It may seem like I was just dense, but I assure you, I wasn't. It may seem that way, but I wasn't. Or maybe you're just a prick.

    Well, the topic itself isn't that great. There's not much exciting stuff going on here. It's probably not even worth reading, but I like it anyway. I was going to get the topic to 501 posts, but some jerk named Stretch Marks came out of nowhere and took it upon himself to do so, the brave soul. I'm not sure who he is, but I know I've seen him about. He's probably someone's alt, the cute little jackass. At least I'm not bitter about it. It's interesting to note that this is the first topic I've added to the site, but not the first I've saved. Well, maybe not that interesting. You seem to think reading this little blurb is interesting, though. If you're still reading, you obviously don't have enough to do. Maybe you should donate to the Give Xim A Dollar fund! It's for a good cause, you know. Quit being so selfish.

  • Live And Let Die - Ooh, my main man spud sent in one by me. I named it "A lesson well learned." It was originally supposed to be a storing topic for quotes I had put in my profile or intended to. But it evolved into a topic where we would quote anything, mostly secret board funtimequotes. There's some funny stuff here. And if you thought that evolution was weird, later it turned into a topic that was fueled by people bashing Luster Soldier. Now at least that transition actually made sense. I'm glad I didn't take part in the childish ranting against Luster, though. Now I can proudly say I never said anything bad about that dummy face.

    Oh yeah, there's some weird stuff happening on Page 4. At first I thought it happened when I was re-coding the topic (spud sent the topic in that icky "non-classic" stylesheet) but then I remembered I'm infallibe. The only logical conclusion I can come to is that two different users right next to each other must have discovered an exploit to craft a rift in the very fabric of the GameFAQs message boards. Seems more plausible than me making a small coding error. You forgot you were dealing with Xim "Ctrl+V" Vicious!

  • L'Affaire Vera Cruz - To make up for Live And Let Die, I decided to express my true thoughts about the wonderful Luster Soldier in this topic.

  • Exterminator - BUGWEY once pondered the question: "Who's BUGWEY?". The result is this topic on Luster Soldier's board. For more on Luster, read the topic on Live And Let Die up there in entirety.

  • Apple Cider Spider - Ooh, I really liked this topic, even though I didn't post in it till late in its life. (I first found it a little after Interceptor did, I think.) It was named "OH NO THERES A SPlDER IN MY APPLE CIDER!!!!!" by its incredibly calm creator, AdamH. There are a lot of "adult" things going on inside. All you have to do is click that sexually-appealing link, or tab down and hit enter if that's more of your thing. Don't ever let anyone tell you your sexual preference is wrong.

  • Abnormal Faction - rav made this topic one time, right? I think it was called "*sets a slobr trap*". Anyway, it outlines the most well-known ways to catch a slobr. For your inconvenience, I have outlined here what you might do with a slobr once you've caught one.

    After you guys have hung out for a couple hours, a slobr might try to sniff your hand. Don't freak out; he's just trying to get to know you. You must speak softly, in a lovely voice. This will put him at ease. And don't make any sudden moves.

    Now, when petting, make sure to hold your hand PALM DOWN. If you have your palm up, he might think you're going to hit him, because somebody might have hit him in the past. Make sure to go with the fur, otherwise he might get colicky.

    slobrs are attracted to shiny things, like freshly washed cans or medallions. So don't wear anything like that, since he might chew on it.

    A slobr's favorite foods are apples, vinegar, and apples with vinegar. Most of the time, a slobr only wants the food in your hand, but if your fingers get in the way, he might eat them, too! He might not know where the apple ends and your fingers begin. So DON'T CURL YOUR FINGERS while feeding. Keep your hand spread wide open.

    These are just some of the wonderful things you can do with a slobr once you've caught one. Others include: blackmail, extortion, slavery and prostitution.

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