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Take the scheming in both The Twelfth Night and Much Ado About Nothing, put ‘em together… and imagine what they’d be in a poorly reconstructed version rife with innuendos and other sick nudge-nudge jokes… So lets get on with… Valentine's Havoc...Saint’s
style! A day of debauchery and candy, when everyone
finds love, or at least some forbidden nookie… On this day of love, a techie has fallen for … So what’s he gonna do? Techie: Hey! Psst! Kid! Comere! Rowan: (Skips up to him) Yeeessss? Techie: (Ruffles her hair) Hey kid… Will ya do me
a favor? See this envelope? Can you bring it down to dorm hallway, and put it
on the 4th door on the right? I’ll give you this lolly pop! Rowan: (Thinking.) Welll… momma told me never to
take candy from strangurs... Techie: Grr… okay okay! I’ll give you 50 cents. Rowan: (quick reply: A bit of Simon has rubbed
off on her…) A dollar. Techie: … Fine. Just do it, will ya? Rowan: Okey-dokie! Techie: Thanks! And if anyone asks, don’ tell ‘em
who gave this to you… Rowan: (Flashes a big grin) Okay! Gillian: Hey Naomi… have you seen Ski today? I
can’t seem to find her… we were supposed to be getting together for our band
performance for the dance tonight… Naomi: I honestly don’t know… God, I think she
was pounding on my door at 6 this morning, yelling something about Valentines
day… What song are you gonna do? Gillian: Heh heh… Tracey Bonham… “Behind Every
Good Woman…” heh heh… Naomi: Never heard it… Gillian: Trust me, you’ll like it. (gets back to
issue at hand…)? Usually Ski isn’t that excited about V-day… Speaking of which,
I found this in front of your mail cubby in the office. I figured it probably
fell out or something…(raising her eyebrows) A Valentine… Naomi: Hmm… A Valentine… how… sweet. (flatly) Gillian: Well? Open it! Naomi rolls her eyes, and sighs. She rips the
envelope open and reveals a beautiful valentine. The inside is printed in
calligraphy. Naomi: It is kinda nice… but what’s this? Gillian: What? What? Naomi: (reading out loud) Beloved,
You hold beauty like
the moon’s radiant light, all
pure and grace and heaven blessed… Gillian: Wow!… That’s deep! Naomi: My life, ‘fore you, was cold and dark. The
shadows danced around my heart… Gillian: (stars in her eyes) What a guy! Whozit from! Whozit from?! Naomi: I… don’t know. It’s not signed. Wow… That
was…incredible! (Absolutely struck…)Who could this be from? Gillian: (rubbing her hands together) (positively
screaming)MAAAAN HUUUUNT!!! Heh heh heh… Naomi: (edges away from Jill)… MK bursts into the room… MK: (mumbling to himself) Where is it? Where is
it… I must’ve dropped it somewhere… Jill: Hey Cap’n! What’s got your shorts in a
knot? MK: (absently) I lost it! MK: Eh? Oh… uh, nothing… heh heh… nothing at
all... everything’s cool… (sidles out of the room…) MK: Where did I lose that damn valentine? Oh man…
if anyone finds that poem… (running his hand through his hair) And what am I
going to give Kimmy? I can’t remember everything wrote on there! And Feron’ll
be pissed if I ask him to write it all over… (Reader: Where the hell is this going?? Writer: Stick with me for a while…) Rowan is in a pickle. She stands in the middle of
the hallway, sucking her thumb. Left… Right… Left… Right? She looks at one
door, then turns and looks at the door on the on the other side of the hallway.
She puts up her hands to make L’s with the finger and thumbs, the way Gillian
had taught her left from right… Now let see.. which one was an L… Rowan pops the thumb back in her mouth. She
wasn’t that great with her alphabet either… Meanwhile, lone spirit Noah is going to sulk in
his room… Poor lonely bastard. Reader: HEY!! Noah: (thinking) Another Valentine’s of
unrequited love… Sigh… I know in my heart Athena’s the one for me… but she
hates me… or is that just a façade? (talking to heaven) C’mon, big man, gimme a
sign or something! Hey, what’s up? Picks up a red envelope that was jammed between
the jamb and the door to his room. Noah: Valentine? (Looks up and raises his
eyebrows) That was quick… (begins reading)… …I love you… in my
thousand and one nights of dreams… (?) …suddenly,
felt you soaring through my soul… (!) …Like
the bird on it’s branches, land in my arms… (!!) Noah can feel the tips of his ears burn as he
sits there and ponders the poem… Noah: Who could have sent me this? Can’t have
been Jill… she doesn’t go for ‘straight arrow’ types like me… If this were from
Ski, it would probably have come on a Hello Kitty card… Noami would have
written something absolutely raunchy… So it must be… (his heart skips a beat…)…
YEAH, bay-BEE!!! (ducks into his room to get decked out…) Ski: Come on! (towing Dylan along as she creeps
down the hall) Dylan: Honestly, Ski, did we have to wake up so
early to do this? Ski: What? (Pouty-face) You don’t want to— Dylan: (Hurriedly) No! No, it’s not that its
just— Ski: Then come on, then! Dylan: Oof! Where are we going?—OH no… no…
MK’s…Office…? Ski: (giggling) You big sissy. Come on, what are
you so worried about? No-one’ll see us! Noah steps out, looking unusually well groomed.
Cologne, perfectly styled hair, the works. Well, he’s gotta look good for his
‘admirer’, right? Noah: Now… to look for my mystery girl… Heh heh…
Oh yeah, I got the moves… Reader: (pinches the bridge of her nose, and
shakes her head) Writer: (Laughter from hell…) Else where… Gillian, on her way to find Rowan, passes by
outside MK’s office and hears the ruckus inside. Gillian: What the devil—? (moves closer to the
door and is about to open it when…) Ski: DYLAN!… (*sigh*) You play around way too
much! Dylan: Well, if you wouldn’t keep me waiting all
the time! Ski: (giggling) Not on the chair, that’s so
akward! On the table! Dylan: Yes ma’am! (he shoves everything off the
table…) Jill’s jaw drops to the carpet. Dylan: (low voice, Jill can barely hear it) Ski…
you sure we should be doing this here? Ski: (playful voice) No one will find out! No
lets get to business! Jill hears sounds of a struggle and bites her
nails… Dylan: (chuckling) There! Long enough for ya? Ski: Yeah… but it’s just hanging there… Dylan: Don’t you worry, I’ll get it up soon
enough… Gillian’s mouth moves but no noise comes out,
cept small strangling noises. She clutches her chest and staggers backward. Her
face is positively crimson. You could have boiled water with a look like that… Simon: Hey Jill… Scarce! Mon dieu, what’s wrong
wit’ y’, girl? Gillian makes more strangling noises, and points
at the door. Simon walks up to it. Dylan: Ski!! Come on, cut it out! That tickles! Ski: Well then, hurry up and get it up! I don’t
got all day here! Simon raises both eyebrows. Gillian gets up
behind him and listens in too. They hear various thumping noises… Simon: (gulp!) Dylan: Can we please switch? I’m gonna get a
cramp from staying in the position for so long! Ski: Don’t be such a whiner! Suck it up, be a
man! Anyways, you’re the one who said you’d be on top— Dylan: (sarcastic) Thanks for your sympathy… But
seriously, this is reaa-aaly effecting how well I get this done… Ski: (giggle) Trust me, from my angle you’re
doing just fine. Dylan: (grunt) How’s that? Ski: (whiney) Just a little further, can’t you? Dylan: Now who’s getting whiney? I’m straining to
get this as it is… Rowan: (who’s silently ambled up behind Simon and
Gillian) Hiya! What’cha doin’? They look at Rowan, and then look back at the
door… then they grab Rowan, and run off. Jill: Definitely NOT for young ears… Simon: (knowing grin) But certainly somet’in’ to
think about practicin’, non? Jill: SIMON!… Later… Ski opens the door and looks out. Dylan: So what was it? Ski: No idea… Maybe you imagined it. Dylan jumps off the table he’d been standing on:
Well, that’s about it… we’re done here. Ski: Yep, pretty much… The streamers look good. Dylan: Just about broke my back getting them up
there… We didn’t honestly have to put them all the way up on the celing. Ski: Admit it! It looks good! Dylan: (reluctantly) Yeah… Ski: Anyway, hopefully this’ll get MK off his
lazy ass and get him proposing soon… After all, what better day than valentine’s
day? Dylan: Speaking of which… (produces a small box)
This is for you. Happy Valentines day, Ski. Ski: … Thanks Dylan… But… I didn’t get you
anything— Dylan kisses her. Dylan: It’s all I ask in return… Ski: Mmm… (stars in her eyes) Writer: Aww, iddint that sweet? Don’t say I never
did nothin’ for ya! Reader: Mmmmm… (off in dream land) Feron: (running across the base lawn to his room)
Damn it… If Jill would’ve just let me fix the coffee machine in the first
place, but Noooooo… she has to have her friggin’ coffee… (tries to wring coffee
from his *white* shirt…) *&#&$ this stuff is hot!… Hey… who’s there…? (ducks behind a tree…) Gillian and Simon are walking together, and both
look incredibly… hot and bothered? Feron can barely make out snitchets of what
they’re talking about… *Gillian: …Feron…onna…bout this?!? Feron: (?) Simon: (runs hand through hair) Feron…..out
Naomi?! You know…ouc…she …this…inda stuff! Feron: Naomi? What does she have to do with me?? Jill: (glumly)I…she like…him THAT
much…could...ave…least TOLD…something… Feron: ?! Like?!? THAT much?! Could it be…Naomi likes
me? (Strains to hear better) Simon: …eah…t’ink…something more den…like…. Feron: MORE than LIKE?? Wow… (looks down at his
messed up shirt and jeans…) Damn it, I gotta go change! Just a little writer’s note… *The original transcript of what Jill and Si are
saying goes something like this: Simon: Feron?! What about Naomi?! You know how
touchy she can get about this kinda stuff! Jill: I didn’t know she liked him THAT much… She could have at least TOLD
me or something…
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