THE ADVENTURES OF HANK AND SI…

Simon looks up at the title: Oh cool, we got our own series now?

Hank smiles a bit smugly: Ain’t it great? About time too.

Simon is ecstatic: This is terrific. And to think we didn’t even have to sleep with the writers to get it.

A gray melancholic cloud hovers above the two. The writer blushes wildly and Hank coughs violently.

Simon’s mouth falls to the floor: You didn’t!

Hank hurriedly changes the subject: Well, all that counts is the fact that we have our series.

Simon: But-

Hank and the writer: Shut up Simon.

The writer flips her fringe and stares at her notepad: Alright, let’s get started. First off we’ll have to cha- er adopt a different approach to your personalities.

Hank and Simon: What the heck does that mean?

The writer looks up from her glasses: I’m gonna give you morons some brains.

The boys protest loudly: No!!!

Simon: You’re gonna make us nerds!

Hank: Like those floozies in the other series, Noah and Dylan!

The writer snaps at him: Hey, hey. Don’t diss my boys.

Simon grins as Hank gives him a scary look.

The writer continues: And anyway, what’s wrong with having brains? (mutters) And God knows you need them.

Simon: But girls don’t like nerds!

She laughs: Of course they do. Have you ever heard “smart is sexy”?

Simon mumbles: I thought that was a myth.

Hank snaps his fingers: That would explain why Bill Gates is married.

The writer: Er… I wouldn’t go that far…

Simon makes his decision: Fine. Give us the brains.

The writer nods and jots some notes onto her notepad: Next, we’ll have to do something about your accents. Simon how do you feel about keeping your Cajun accent?

Simon asks suspiciously: Why? You gonna change it?

She replies: Maybe.

Simon: I dunno. I like it. I guess. What do you think Hank?

Hank: Why the hell should I care about your accent? What about me?

The writer knits her eyebrows in an attempt to not roll her eyes: We’ll do that later. I was thinking of giving Simon a BBC accent.

Boys: A WHAT?

The writer rolls her eyes: You know, upperclass British accent.

Simon grins: Cool. So I’m all stuck up and rich?

Hank complains: How come he gets to be rich?

The writer: No Simon, you’re not rich or stuck up. (to Hank) Bear with me will you? Hank, you’ll keep your (ponders what to call him) American accent.

Hank mutters under his breath.

The writer: What did you say?

Hank: Nothing. So what’s the premise of all this?

The writer is impressed: Actually, I was thinking of…

Hank blows up: Simon right? It’s always about him! What about me?!

Simon: Jesus Christ, someone give the guy his chill pill.

The writer yells back at Hank: Will you let me finish?

Hank is sufficiently cowed.

Writer mumbles: Last night is not worth this. (out loud, reading from her notepad) I was thinking about giving Hank the role of an all round mechanic/engineer adventurer.

Hank: ??

Simon: Like McGuyver?

Writer: Er… maybe. Something along those lines. What do you think Hank?

Hank: S’okay.

Writer smiles: Good. Simon, what do you think about being an adventurer?

Simon: Hey cool. So Hank’s my Oracle?

Hank bellows: HEY NO FAIR!!!

Simon: What?

Hank points at Simon: How come he gets to be the hero?

Writer: Actually Simon Oracle is a woman- (Hank protests again) I’m not saying that you are Hank.

Simon: But I thought you said-

Hank: Shut up buttmunch. I’m part of the deal.

Simon screams: Are not!

The two begin to wrestle each other on the floor as Writer watches on.

Writer: Oy, oy, oy. What a headache.

~~~

Later that month…

The two writers move towards their seats in the empty movie theater.

Writer #1: Popcorn Jen?

Writer #2: Please. So what’s this all about?

Writer #1: Frankly I have no idea. I mean, I gave up and set the guys loose. (#2 gives her a pained look) But I did set up some guidelines. (tries to be hopeful) I just hope this is watchable.

Writer #2: Me too.

The previews have ended and the lights dim in the theatre. Writer #1 quickly says a prayer.

A pause.

#1 Crush begins. The camera does a180 around the white background. Finally the camera spots the color black and zooms in. Shirley Manson begins her throaty singing and the audience realize they are looking at two pairs of black leather shoes. Intercutting this scene on the right and left are two images of 1s and 0s, like the ones you see in computing language.

Writer #2: Er?

Writer #1 shushes her as the camera moves upwards.

Black pants.

The camera seems to be stuck.

Writers: Holy!

Miraculously, the camera passes the pants and continues upwards.

Writer #1: Tuxes? (huge grin)

Writer #2: Bowtie. (grins as well)

Writers: Mmm… Bond men. (lecherous grins)

Voila! Two grown up versions of our men appear on the screen. The camera looks into the barrel of Hank’s handgun as he smiles smugly at the screen. Beside him, Simon gives an apologetic smile as if to say, “Sorry luv.”

Writer #1: Um…

Writer #2: What’s happening next?

Hank pulls the trigger.

The screen turns black.

The writers faint in their seats, lovesick looks not withstanding.

 

Okay, the real writer (SKI) here. Heh heh. Bond men…c’mon. You know you wanna. Beat it! Beat it!

Okie, of course few need a Bond theme song and I thought #1 Crush fit well. And our two Bond men… ^_^

What else aside from the accent change?

Um. Er? Actually I’m all out of ideas, so I’ll trust your judgement in these things. Of course the guys are smarted, bigger and mmmm…

Oh and another thing, the girls are not here at all. None of them. This is the guys’ vehicles, not the girls so we gotta be fair.

The main theme of this is computers blah blah blah. Hacking or espionage, you pick. Like the guys could destroy Microsoft from within. Cool.

Of course, all the Bond movies start with an obligatory chase whether a car chase, a helicopter chase etc… so don’t forget that.

And the girls…

Um…the bond girls. It would make sense to have the girls in it, yah? But the thing is, this is the guys’ vehicle. Oh well.

Whatever.

 

(SAL!)Right. You know you made a big ole mistake when you let me deal with the intro scene, don’t you? I’ve seen almost every single bond classic there is, so this might be long and in depth. But I promise not to keep it too bland. It’s written like a screenplay.

 

Writer: (fanning herself. She tugs at her collar, and steam is released, making a faint phweeet! Noise) Son of a monkey… Mmmm…tuxes… (getting back to the matter at hand) Right, now you said that the girls aren’t in this one, but then you also said that we had to have bond girls… what’s up with that?

Writer 2: Bu huh bu huh bu huh…

Writer: … Fine… and Hank’s the Engineer Mechanic Adventurer?

Writer 2: *drool*

Writer:-_-… Then leave the electronics and guns to Si… mmmmm…

 

Hank gives an innocent little smile and shrugs. We see Simon give off his cocky charming grin.

The gun recoils as Hank pulls the trigger.

We see the bullet tear towards us in kinda-slow motion until it totally blackens out the whole view. With the gunshot comes the silencing of the music, so that everything is silent…

 

…Until Simon replaces our view, dressed all in SWAT-like black, and removes a small electronic device that seemed to be covering the camera. Everything is lit with a soft red light. He places it in what looks like a huge pillar in the center of a silo, and sets a configuration. He then climbs up a ladder, crosses a catwalk, and drops into another such room. Go to a shot of Hank crouching in an adjoining room with a semi automatic clutched, on the look out. Not a sound is heard in the huge, sterile white electronics room. He takes a grey box with a keypad and a small knife out. He pries into the console of a large, shiny machine, exposing wires, and integrates the wires with that of the grey box. It’s then attached to the machine with conductive putty.

Camera quickly swivels to reveal…

Simon entering the room.

Simon: Are we good to go?

Hank gives him a stoic hurry-up-or-we’ll-be-late-for-the-soirée look. Simon raises an eyebrow, quickly types out commands onto the grey box, ending with the confirm button. The two duck for cover on the other side of the room. Seconds later, the machine erupts with sparks, and we can see electricity lace around it’s outside in flashes. Immediately, main lights go off, flood lights go on, and an alarm starts blaring, along with some damn funky techno chase music. The guys stand up and start for the door.

Simon: (Casual grin) After you.

 

The next scene, they are running down shadowy, ill lit hallways. We can hear angry yelling in Spanish, and the thunder of approaching footsteps. An arm reaches out and takes Simon in a headlock. Two more men surround him while Hank takes his gun out on more approaching soldiers. Simon applies his elbow liberally to the man’s stomach, and grabs his gun out of his holster as he falls. Two perfectly aimed shots make short work of his comrades. Simon and Hank dive into a stairwell.

Simon: (wiping his lip)Bloody hell. Which way?

Hank: Up! We gotta—

The pop of automatic rifles drown him out.

The two tear up the stairs, just as the mob finds them. Camera switches to the bottom of the stairwell, looking up at the stairs curling above it. The semi-darkness is lit up by gun fire, and through the music we hear the p-tang! of bullets ricocheting off the metal stairs. Focus on Hank as he turns and unleashes some of his own, which staves off returning gunfire for a while. Meanwhile, the ascent is continued…

 

Scene changes to a focus on a door, which slams open as Simon’s foot kicks forcefully on it to reveal the roof and a blue skyline. Ariel shot of the two men running out to the edge of the roof. We can see the ocean to one side, and tropical forests to another.

Simon: Look! (points down at some spiffy looking boats that probably belong to the group they just screwed three ways from center.)

Hank looks at the boats, then down. A sheer drop into blue water.

Simon is already balancing himself on the edge.

Hank turns to see the mob squad emerge.

Hank: (shrugging) What the hell. Lets do—

More shots fired forces him to make a hasty retreat.

He follows Simon’s precise swan dive into open air. Cut to the soldiers, running to the edge to watch their descent and trying to take pot shots at them. Back to the guys, bullets zinging past them as they plummet, which seems to take forever. They finally land with a sploosh into the water. Underwater camera catches their tumble in, surrounded by bubbles. Return to the surface, where Simon and Hank erupt from the water, both gasping for breath. They swim towards the boats.

 

Back with the nerd herd…

Runner: Sir! (all in subtitles, by the way) They’ve completely disabled the communications dish. The missiles bays are jammed, too!

Leader: Damnit! Any other damage?
Runner: …

Leader: (bellowing) WELL?!

Runner: (quickly) Sir! It’s you’re private stash of liquer, sir! It seems they’ve…ah… swiped the new shipment… of Samelen—

He can’t continue because his boss is now hurling the most obscene strings of depravity he’s ever heard. He’s sure his eyebrows are singed…

Ahh. Insult to injury.

 

Hank grabs the side of a boat, about to haul himself in, when there is another yell in Spanish, and a soldier in brown fatigues lunges at him with a particularly nasty looking hunting knife. Hank ducks to the side, grabbing the man and pulling him down to meet his clenched fist. The man tumbles into the water, and Hank and Simon pull themselves up.

Hank: Hang on, we’re about to get—

He’s cut off with more gunfire.

Hank: (starting the boat engine) Damn it! Can’t I get in one good line without all this f*cking shooting?? (Flooring it out into open sea…)

 

Camera Shot: We are now back in the red lit room. Focus in on the green led of Simon’s devices placed on what we now realize are missiles. Some of the numbers on the display fly by as they read off nanoseconds, but we are drawn to the first number in the sequence, which goes 3… 2…1… 0

Cut to a frontal shot of the guys escaping on the boat. In the background is the missile facility, back dropped by the pretty jungle greenery. However, no time is given to this, as the building instantly erupts in a huge ball of flames.

 

Close up: The guys on the boat react to the blast, ducking slightly. They cut the boat for a minute and watch it burn. Hank runs his hands through his wet hair, leaving a trail of spikes through it. He grins at Simon, who slumps onto a bench and smugly flips his metal rimmed oakleys on.

 

Writer: (trying to keep her eyes off of Simon’s bod lounging lazily on the video feed) Uh yeah… uh… so how did you like that… uh… intro scene…?

Writer2: Mmmm… (drooling at the sight of hank and his red hair and dripping wet and… and… and…) heh heh…

 

*Okay, soundtrack begins. Scene opens with Simon in a baby blue Z3 (to match his eyes), trying to shake off the cops in NY. He swerves sharply, narrowly missing the fire hydrant near an apartment. A cop car behind him is not that lucky and smashes into it. The kids watching squeal in joy as they frolic in the water spray and laugh at the policemen.

The camera shows Simon smiling as he glances at the rearview mirror.*

In true spy fashion, he presses a button, and the license plate on the Z3 rotates to replace the out of state plate with a NY plate. He pulls up to a glitzy building. This is the soiree Simon and Hank were so fashionably late to. Simon drives up in his Z3, tosses the keys to the valet. After straightening his tux, he strides up and enters the building, nodding and smiling at the ladies.

 

The Head Butler approaches him.

Gerard: Sir Simon. May I take your jacket?

Simon: Thank you Gerard.

Gerard: Very good, sir. I do believe that Mr. McCoy has preceded you and now awaits with the master.

Simon: (smiles gratefully at the butler) Thanks, old chap.

 

A few knowing glances and gentlemanly smiles are thrown off easily by Simon as he saunters through the crowds. He takes a beautiful marble staircase curving upwards gracefully, to the second floor.

It is considerably more quite here, the sounds of the sioree and the cocktail music dampened. A door on the left of the hallway is ajar. We see Simon pad silently up to it, and push it open.

Hank: What took you so long?

Simon straightens out his bow tie.

Simon: I had a few… complications…on my here.

Hank: Taken care of, I suppose?

Simon: I do believe so. On the corner of 3^rd and Wallace. Pity about the hydrant, though.

For the first time, the other man in the room is heard. He is aging but still statuesque and has gentleman stamped all over him.

Writer(SAL): Okay, its taken it all out of me just to write that damn intro… so I’ll leave the next adventure up to you… Please make it somewhere where their natural talents, ie lounging with their shirts open looking mouth watering, are put to their best use…