Feron scratches his head: Hey Chris, pass me a cup of joe.

At the drinks station (actually an ancient creaking food trolley) Chris nods as he fills a styrofoam cup with coffee from the cast's thermos: Sugar?

Feron yawns: Nah. Hurry it up, will ya?

Chris: Okay okay--

Chris knocks over the milk pitcher and it waterfalls over the side of the trolley. Feron growls angrily.

Chris: Oops.

Luckily for Chris, the sound of a cat screeching as its guts are being slowly pulled out by rusting pliers come to his rescue. The guys turn around. It's just the sound of Raine practicing her scales. She's sandwiched between two "catty" women.

Ski scowls: Cow.

Jill, likewise, scowls: Skank.

Feron's voice drips with sarcasm: And I thought they got on famously.

Chris whips out his script from…from… wherever he sticks huge telephone book sized scripts: Uh yeah. Says so right here. They're best friends.

Feron rolls his eyes: Duh. (over to Raine) Raine.

Raine stops and beams at him angelically: Yes Feron?

Feron: Shut. Up.

Raine stares at him, mouth open before tearfully blubbering: You’re always so mean to me! Why can’t you ever be nice?!

Feron snorts, disgusted: Oh for Christ’s sake…

Raine continues to wail: Why can’t we all just get along?!

Ski smacks Raine’s head in an effort to shut her up: Coz dearie, things aren’t what they seem. That’s not the…

TRUTH

Jill snickers: Do you always have to be so melodramatic?

Ski swerves around dangerously to face Jill: What did you just call me?

Jill folds her arms: Hey, I’m not the one who’s always suicidal and so damn moody.

Raine and the boys gulp as Ski’s features turn cloudy.

Ski, in her I’m-going-to-rip-your-guts-out-with-my-bare-hands voice: Moody?

Feron steps in: Oh, hey, that isn’t your fault, baby. It’s the writers.

Soft sounds of exhalation are heard.

Ski focuses her anger on a scapegoat and grabs Feron by the throat, hissing: I’m not your baby.

Feron: Crooak.

Ski snarls: Understand?

Feron nods: Crroooakkk.

She releases her iron grip and Feron falls onto the floor, gasping.

Chris kindly hands Raine a cup of coffee and tries to comfort her: She’s right you know. It’s not really us. It’s just some writers writing our lines.

Behind them Jill swears at her coffee for being cold.

Dylan: If we exist only in the minds of our writers, how is it possible that we are actually capable of independent thought?

Everyone looks up as the intellectual walks in. Smoothly, successfully and indisputablely oh so sexy. No one notices Athena right behind him. Heh heh.

Feron: What did you just say?

Dylan massages his temples: Never mind.

Jill swears some more at the java.

Chris points out: Okay. Maybe we aren’t real…

Ski and Jill whimper at the “r” word.

Chris: …then all of this, all of our consciousness is actually scripted for us.

Ski rolls her eyes: Jaysus. No more of that Matrix stuff, pllleasssee.

Chris turns to her with big eyes: I mean, seriously.

Ski mutters and looks away: Puppy dog eyes..arghhh…evil.

Dylan stares at the thick, cold mud that is sneeringly called coffee: What the hell is this?

Ski, happy to be distracted from the kicked puppy look of Chris, nonchalantly waves her hand in the air: Crap. (grabs her "Kiss me I'm Irish" mug - okay, it was Noah's but she swiped it before his er, untimely demise) I'm drinking tea.

She peers at him over her mug and drinks slowly. Dylan looks at her.

Feron: -_-

It's a sort of look that a child would say it looked like they were both sick and/or retarded.

Someone nudges him in the ribs, hard and whispers: Too bad eh?

Feron turns around and sees Simon grin at him. Feron frowns: What? <adds> How'd you get here without me noticing?

Simon ignores the second question easily and gestures at Ski with a nod: Bet y'wish you didn't dump de femme.

Feron adopts a poker face: Hmmph.

Simon: Hmmph?

Feron: Sez you.

Simon: ...

Squaring his shoulders and bringing himself to his full height, Feron asks: So how's it goin with Jill?

Feron: ...

Feron: Si?

Simon is cowering in a corner, hugging his knees and shaking uncontrollably.

Again, Feron calls out: Si?

Slowly Simon explains: She... <tears race down cheeks and he turns away> dumped me.

Feron: Uh Si. That was like two years ago. You still haven't gone over it?

Simon, sounding like a depressed hyena: Two years, four months and six days ago.

Feron: Uh.. right. Right.

Feron looks around desparately for an escape. Ignoring the sight of Jill hopping around, pissed as hell, he settles on Chris and Raine as his victims: Uh, sorry old chap, but I think I see Chris and Raine callin me over. I'll see you...

He sprints away from Simon.

But not fast enough because in the time it took Feron to run away (aproximately 0.452 seconds) a mysterious old foggie, clad in a blueish gray fog and the stinky smell of sulfur, appears, those some heavy-handed magic stuff and viola! the characters are stuck in a cage. A magical cage.

Raine looks at the yellow bars: Eh? What are those?

Chris shudders involuntarily: Magic. I hate magic.

In a low voice that means someone is going to die, Jill walks up towards the foggie: This isn't magic. Who're you old man?

Old foggie, in a voice that's meant to scare but instead suggests castration: I'm the Censor.

All: Right. Uh huh.

Censor: What? You don't believe me?

Ski and her disdainful laugh: We've never been censored before.

Censor booms: There's a time for everything, foolish woman.

Ski shoots him a look of absolute hatred which makes him retract his last statement before some serious barbecuing takes place.

Censor sweats heavily: I... er... um. There's a time for everything.. people. <attempts to retain some shreds of his dignity> You need to be punished.

Chris, in a rising voice: But.. but what did we do?!

The abovementioned youth turns to the Censor with his trademarked kicked-puppy dog eyes and long, sad face.

Censor swings his hands in front of his face: Noo!! Argh! Begone evil spirit!

Chris: ?

Raine puts her hands on her hips and scowls: Look, why don't you tell us what we did wrong?

Censor regains his composure: You are guilty of concentrating on lust and carnal knowledge of each other.

All: Huh?

Simon: De homme means we all havin sex, stupid!

Simon quickly covers his mouth.

Ski loses interest and takes in the yellow, flamelined cage: You're an idiot, old man.

Censor: I am most certainly not!

Chris helps out: C'mon man. The birds do it, so do the bees and er... people do it too.

Censor points out darkly: But never so many in one situation.

Jill and Ski turn scarlet: Oh get real, ya prude!

They turn to each other: Wait a minute. This is your fault! My fault?

Jill grins malevolently: Let's count exactly how many guys you're <raises hands and does the quote thing> "linked" with. <counts off fingers> There's Feron <Feron perks up and questioningly looks at the girls>, Noah--

Noah: Did someone call me?

Feron girly shrieks: It's a ghost!!!

The ghost of Noah looks around as he completely materializes inside the cage with the gang: Eh.. Are we the only ones here?

Hastily shoving their slacked jaws, everyone decides to not look surprised.

Feron: Hey, what are you doing here? You're...dead.

Noah scratches his head innocently: No I'm not.

Feron: You are too.

Noah: No I'm not.

They have a glaring contest. And promptly proceeds to go at each other.

The Censor vainly attempts to wrestle the attention away from the very entertaining spectacle of the guys bare knuckled fighting: Hellooooo....

Chris, distractedly: What do you want?

The Censor: I believe that no one will be able to get out until you can prove that at least one of you hasn't been corrupted by your filth.

Dylan: That whole sentence was ungrammatical not to mention difficult to understand.

The Censor turns white with anger: Just get on with it!!! <s/he disappears in a puff of white smoke>

Raine: Cool effects.

The smoke clears. The guys are still rolling on the floor, punching and screaming and biting and slapping and scary stuff. The Censor is still there too.

Raine: The exit's on your right.

The Censor, gruffly: Thanks. <s/he runs towards the exit and disappears>

Jill continues: And Dylan <Dylan blushes>... and Mack.

Ski raises her voice: What?!

Jill: Well it's true. He does have a bit of a crush on you. <snickers>

Ski glowers: OH yeah, what about you eh? <counts off> There's Simon <at his corner, Simon wails piteously>, Noah...

Jill objects: Nooo....

Ski: Look, didn't you say the guys we've been linked to? <Jill mutters and Ski continues> and Chris <Chris's face lights up and smiles warmly at Jill>.

Jill swoons: Uh huh...

Ski, triumphantly: And Mack.

Jill breaks outta her reverie: What?!

Ski: He does have a crush on you too, you know.

Jill: No way. He does not.

Ski: Wasn't he the one who gave you the nickname of grey eyes?

Jill: ...

Athena's, who's been listening to the incessant pratter, smiles delightedly: But that means you're both at fault. <the two girls look at her blankly> Ski's been linked with four guys and so has Jill.

Ski and Jill: ... Darn.

Dylan waves his hand: Okay, I think I've got it. I think I've got a way to get outta here. <irritated voice> Can someone kick those guys and tell them to stop it?

Chris: Forget about them, what's the plan?

Dylan: See, I think what the hooded figure meant was that we needed to find someone who hasn't...er... done it yet, to go through the cage safely and open it for us.

Chris and Simon snigger: He said "done it".

Dylan frowns at them and continues: So... any ideas?

The thought of everyone pointing fingers each other runs in his mind and he realizes what a mistake he's just made. He slaps his forehead.

All eyes on Noah.

Noah: What? What?!

Feron yells to Si: Yo, grab his legs. We'll stick him out the cage.

Noah: What? No..Nooo!!!

As Feron and Si grab him and drag him towards the magical force field, Noah attempts a last minute attempt to break free but is rewarded by a thump on the head.

Feron takes Noah by the shirt and unceremoniously sticks the guy's head into yellow bars.

Noah screams as sparks fly.

Feron and Si: Uh oh.

Si quickly pulls Noah out. He's dazed but fine.

Si: Homme, your hair!

Noah: Eh? <reaches up and feels> OH cool!! My hair's spiky again! It hasn't been spiky since... since...<squints> the first year.

Feron grunts, dissatisfied: If you're not a virgin, then...

Jill: Hold on a sec. He's not a virgin? <eyes Ski, who shrugs her shoulders as if to say "Who me?>

Noah blushes deeply: Erm...

Chris: Then who's up next?

All eyes on Chris.

Chris: Oh God, NO!

Raine, soothingly: You've got nothing to fear if you haven't done it. <pauses> But a lot to fear if you have.

Dylan stops this: Okay, okay! Hold up. Let's figure this logically.

Ski: Let's not. This is highly embarassing, not to mention it pries into our personal lives.

Jill: Hey, don't you want to get out? <Ski nods> So suck it in and be a woman.

Ski, icily: Alright then. Let's take your advice and start with you.

Jill: What?! Me?

Mack: Hey, where are all the biscuits?

The captured gang ecstatically move towards the bars to greet Mack: Hey Mack!!! Help us!!!

Mack looks bored: This isn't another one of your tricks is it?

Feron: No, honest to God, bro! It ain't.

Mack peers in: Isn't that Noah? <Noah waves> Bro, thought you were dead.

Noah grins and shakes his head dumbly.

Dylan scowls: How come you're not in here with us?

Mack: Oh, I was at the cafeteria with Naomi and some guy who said he was Jill's kid's father.

Ski gives a whoop: That's it! Sam!!! <turns to Jill and toothily grins> Now you're to blame. Heh heh heh...

Jill: ... Grow up, Ski.

Dylan: No, I meant why aren't you here. In this... er... <thinks of a way to put this situation lightly> cage of shame.

Offhandedly, Mack answers: Oh. Right. I'm from Manchester, remember? I get pardoned for a lot of things. So does Naomi since she's Latina and all that.

Dylan ponders this: Hmm... So...

Mack: Cos you're older than the rest of us, maybe you get immunity too.

Dylan nods: Let's see.

He strides purposely through the bars and passes easily through. The rest stare at him, dumbfounded.

Dylan: Don't worry, we'll go get help.

Mack asks politely: Is that the coffee table in there?

Jill pouts: Yeah, and it's cold.

Mack: Damn. Don't worry, we'll get you a fresh batch of coffee. <gives the two finger salute and leaves with Dyl>

Jill calls after him, tears streaming down her cheeks: God bless you Mack!!

Ski: -_- It's only coffee.

Jill: Yes but it's my life.

Ski: -_-

Noah: Isn't he British? Why doesn't he drink tea?

Ski: He's from Manchester.

Noah: Oh.. right.

Simon screams his head off and runs towards the bars: AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Chris: Uh, Simon?

Simon erupts into a blaze of electricity. Feron and Noah stand to attention and begin to recite the pledge of allegiance.

Jill screeches: Knock it off you two! <runs towards Simon> Si, are you okay?

Feron: One nation- Oh, alright. <pouts> What the hell was he doing running towards the bars anyway?

Simon lifts his head up weakly off the floor: I..I just t’ought… I’m French, right?

Ski: I thought you were from N’awlins. That doesn’t mean you’re French.

Simon: But… the settlers…

Ski: Most of the settlers were French AND Spanish.

Simon’s voice falters: Double the reason…

Ski, ominously: And some were British.

Simon screams.

Jill tries to soothe him: There, there.

Athena giggles. Jill glares at her as if to say "laugh again and I'll turn your insides out". Athena quickly covers her mouth and hiccups, trying to stop her laughter.

Raine: So does this mean we're... you know, stuck here forever?

Noah scratches his head: Huh. I guess. Um, you know, I don't think we've met.

Athena whacks his arm and scowls.

Feron: Heh heh, putting the moves on Raine already, huh?

Noah reddens: Huh? Wha-?

Jill, loudly: You are such a houndog, Noah.

Athena and Noah look shocked: What?!

Raine: Erm guys, he just introduced himself to me.

Jill whispers behind a hand: Yes, but that's his idea of a pickup line.

Raine stares in disbelief at Jill: You're insane, you know that?

Jill in a spooky voice: Yes, but insane like what?

Raine: -_-

Mack walks in: Coffee.

Jill waves ecstatically at him: Over here! Here! OGOD HERE!!!

Behind Mack are Dylan, Naomi and Sam with Rowan.

Jill yells, jumping up and down: OH NO!!! You idiot!! Why'd you have to bring HIM along?!

Sam jerks his thumb at her as he asks Mack: What's up with her?

Mack and Dylan: Caffeine withdrawal.

Rowan, concerned: Mommy. Why are you in a cage?

Sam: Without a "Please do not feed the animals" sign?

Jill gives him the evil eye: Just wait till I get out you lil--

Ski: Hellooooo. Over here. Look away from the dysfunctional family....

Raine: That's right. How are we supposed to get out? <looks pleadingly at Mack and Dylan>

Naomi, icily: Nice to meet you too. <mutters> Puta.

Dylan: Um, Naomi, I'm sure there is no need for profanities... <breaks into a fake smile> Heh.. <face falls as no one else smiles> Um.. Raine and Christian, this is Naomi.

Raine, stoically nods: Naomi.

Naomi does the same: Raine.

Christian stutters: Buh buh buhhh.. <with feeling> Naomi. <dreamy look on face>

Naomi gives him a trademarked first level flirty grin: Christian.

It's all Chris can do from falling over. Dylan coughs and gives Naomi a poke.

Jill screams: Enough of THAT!!! JAVA!!!

Sam covers the little one's eyes: I'm sorry sweetheart, but this side of Mommy is something I never wanted you to see.

Mack holds up his hands: Alright! Good Lord. <shakes his head>

Simon trots up to Jill: Here, let me get it for you.

Jill, an addict's hunger in eyes, growls: No. I'll get it.

Simon: I'll..Oops. <bumps into Jill, catapulting the cold cup of stale coffee into the air>

Everyone: Oooh...

In slow motion the cup moves towards the yellow bars.

Jill: Nooooooooooooooo.....

Splash!

The air sizzles and a faint smell of fried beans permeate the air as Jill screams at the sight of a cup of coffee wasted.

The rest scream for joy as the cage disappears.

Dylan: Hhn. Cold coffee.

Mack: Yeah. Who would have thought?

Chris and Raine in a sickly, happy voice: Group hug!!!

Others: Arrghhh!!! EVIL!!!

And so, the story concludes with a battle. A battle to stay alive, away from the evil, evil presence of Chris and Raine and their unholy hugs.

Sam comments on the ending: And what have we learnt from all this?

Noah: Use protection?

Sam glares at him: Hey, don't interrupt me. <continues in a ending sort of voice> And what have we learnt from all this? Sadly, nothing. Despite the warning from an agent of the censors, it is unlikely anything will change. <flips on shades and walks away with an arm around Jill holding Rowan> Angst and sex sells, bay-bee!

END