YOUR HOROSCOPE

ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about
anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would
masturbate at a wedding.

TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people
because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.

GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic
schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet.

CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous
bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words,
stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are
living on the welfare.

VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to
bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo
women are whores.

LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your
entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits.
You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no
helmet.

SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import
Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your
odds for a romp in the sack.

CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered cunt and a
closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.

AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you
are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador
puppy wearing fishnet tights.

PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality
and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will
continually fail. You're a prick.