SEX JOKES 2

A travelling salesman once got caught up in a blizzard got shelter with a farmer who had
three daughters. The farmer called him aside and told him, "Young man, I have three daughters,
so stay in your room the whole night and no tricks, be warned."

In the morning, the salesman came down and the farmer asked him, "How was your night, young
man?"

"Oh! Slept like a rabbit. Thanks for your hospitality; I will never forget it."

The farmer felt very happy and at the bar that night mentioned this fact to his close
friend. He was boasting what a good father he had been by keeping his daughters away from
trouble.

His friend laughed aloud and said, "You fool! A rabbit does not sleep at night. It goes
from hole to hole the whole night!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is a man's idea of protected sex?
A: A padded headboard.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that
could be possible.
"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could
consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."

"The third time I married a Pages2Send Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of
the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station.
At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white
blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels.
As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt
was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking
quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and
then tries again.

Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her
and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to
board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with
exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her
leg still will not reach the bottom step.

Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and
places her on the bus.

The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body
in that way? I don't even know you!"

Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I
thought we were pretty good friends."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man comes home with his daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks,
"I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll."
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very
hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, and
is very efficient."

"Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his
wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied
while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. (For
joke purposes, let's ignore what he might do while on his trip :-) ) So he went to a store
that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll but
that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for
something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that
will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't
know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up
with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an
old wooden box,carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-
looking dildo.The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other
dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He
pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box,
darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the
vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man
said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box
and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man
resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy
took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had
to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be
fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered
the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to
her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was
stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her
husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital
to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly
made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her
license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained
that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't
stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo
dick, my ass!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do men and tile floors have in common?
A: If you lay them well, you can walk on them for years.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HIM:"Why can't I tell when you have an orgasm?"
HER: "Because you're never home when it happens."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because they won't stop to ask directions.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also
quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini
that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.
He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another
look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's
house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me",
our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is." "Yeah? So?" his
hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay
you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla is about to deck
our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the
offer for a few moments.

Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly,
"for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last.
Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy.
This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already,
kiss 'em!" he growls.

"I can't." replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the
window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very
attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner.There's plenty;
would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to
a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three worst Chinese torture tests known to man: A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and
he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he
could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he
comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see
any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying
someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to
the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep
since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for
tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with
my grandaughter"

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble.
I'll be on my way tommorrow morning"

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst
chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind
of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the
grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it
had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional
monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other
throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept
the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to
himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes
and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture
test: 50 kg rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the
window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another
sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after
the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT
testicle tied to bedpost".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical
and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be
best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman
for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?"
The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father then says:
"Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister
replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father answers: "Okay son,
here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a
couple of whores."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you done? "
Three words women hate to hear when having sex... "Honey, I'm home!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?" The other one says,"Relax. We
just passed the tonsils."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy was coming home from work one day and was real thirsty ad the ony place where he
could get a drink was a gay bar.so he went in and told the bar tender to get him a drink fast
cause hes so thirst he could lick sweat off a cow's balls.so the bartender went and got him a
drink and then the guy next to him says to the guy ,hey look at me, and he go's MOOOOO!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give
him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.The wive says, "I don't want to go hunting because its
cold out, and I've never been butt fucked before, so I think I'll go with the blowjob.
" So she's down there doing her thing and suddenly she says,"your dick tastes like shit!"
The guy says, "yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So
they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he
will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR
APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole
event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the
following typed note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the
amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and
that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following
note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied
indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding
the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to
fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is this guy and this girl and they want to have sex. So they go to the girls house and
before CLICK HERE!ing the girl stops the guy and says. "My little sister sleeps on the bottom
bunk of our bunk bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing, so when I say 'baloney'
it means push harder, and when I say 'pastrami' it means push slower."

With this the two get onto the top bunk and have sex. First, the girl moans, "baloney,baloney,
baloney" then shouts "pastrami,pastrami,pastrami" and then back to "baloney,baloney,baloney"

Finally, the girls sister says "Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there, you're getting
mayonaise all over me!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were 3 college guys on a summer vacation road trip across the country. One night it
starts raining really hard so the driver decides to pull over to the nearest inn. When they get
inside the clerk tells the 3 men that there are only 3 rooms left. He says ,One with a bunch of
pigs one with a bunch of donkeys and one with 18 beautiful women. The first guy says,You know
I'm really tired and I don't care what room I sleep in so I'll sleep with the pigs. The 2nd guy
says, Man I was driving all night and I just want to hit the sack. I'll sleep with the donkeys.
The third guy who has been drinking all night and is wide awake says, Well that leaves me with
the women. The next morning the first guy wakes up and says, Man, it smells like shit in here.
He goes over to the second guy's room and when he walks in there is an instant odor in the air.
Man, this smells just as bad as my room ,the first guy said.Finally, the two guys walk into the
third guys room and smell a wonderful scent. They say "This smells like a golf course" The
third guy says "Well, that's probably because I was putting my balls in 18 holes all night.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were two people having sex when the man took off his condom and threw it out the window.
His girlfriend told him to go pick it up and so he put on clothes real quick and went out to
get it. When he got to the street he saw a kid holding the condom. He asked the kid to give
him the condom and the kid said no. So the guy offered $5 for it and the kid said no. Then he
offered $35 for it and the kid gave it to him. The guy left and the kid faced his friends
with a big smile. When they asked him why he was smiling he told them "Because I sold that
Twinkie wrapper for $35 and I had already licked the whipped cream off."