MILITARY JOKES



Military Jokes

Alter Your Course

This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95, 
MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS 

#1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision." 
#2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision." 

#1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course." 

#2: "No, I say again divert YOUR course." 

#1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. 
Divert your course NOW!" 

#2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call?" 



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Custer's Last Thoughts

The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting 
depicting General Custer's last thoughts. 

Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an 
enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its 
center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining 
halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the 
most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating. 

After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged 
curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be. 

The artist said, "You asked for a painting of Custer's last 
thoughts," he explained. "That's it. Custer was thinking, 
'Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come 
from?'" 



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Gun Barrel


A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets 
restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?" 

The others direct him to a large gun barrel with a hole in 
it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he 
tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another 
go the next day, and again the day after. 

Then he asks, "Can I do this every day?". 
"Yes, every day, except Wednesdays". 
"Why not on Wednesdays?" 

"Wednesdays is YOUR turn inside the barrel!" 


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Military Wisdom


1. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 

2. Incoming fire has the right of way. 

3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. 

4. The easy way is always mined. 

5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 

6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are 
dangerous. 

7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: 
When you're ready for them. 
When you're not ready for them. 

8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to 
shoot at. 

9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. 

10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an 
ambush. 

11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you. 

12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is 
incoming friendly fire. 

13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. 

14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid. 

15. When in doubt empty the magazine. 

16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. 

17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing 
dothing. 

18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't 
get out. 

19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 

20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to 
think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough 
to survive. 

21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and 
don't ever volunteer to do anything. 

22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too 
small. 

23. Five second fuses only last three seconds. 

24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the 
area you just bombed. 


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Soldier's Ambition


An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one 
private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?" 

"Chronic syphilis, Sir." 
"What treatment are you getting?" 
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day." 
"What's your ambition?" 
"To get back to the front, Sir." 
"Good man," said the Major. 

He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" 
"Chronic piles, Sir." 

"What treatment are you getting?" 
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day." 
"What's your ambition?" 
"To get back to the front, Sir." 
"Good man," barked the Major. 

He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" 
"Chronic gum disease, Sir" 
"What treatment are you getting?" 
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day." 
"What's your ambition?" 
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!" 


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Standing in Line


"I suppose," snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, 
"that when you're discharged from the Army, you'll wait for 
me to die, just so you can spit on my grave." 

"Not me," observed the private. "When I get out of the Army, 
I never want to stand in line again." 


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Stand Still Soldier


Military training: 

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised 
as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a 
visiting general. 

"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by 
jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have 
endangered the lives of the entire company?" 

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I 

may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used 
me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a 
large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels 
ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 

"Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that 
did it." 


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Learning to be Tactful


A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a 
few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the 
office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died." 

The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the 
lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I 
have some books at home that could help you." 

The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the 
colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's 
grandfather had passsed away. 


The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, 
how many of you have a grandfather still living? 
Not so fast, Private Taylor!" 


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Who's Braver?


Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, 
and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a 
Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest. 

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an 
airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at 
the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!" 

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole 
like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and 
jumps off, hitting the ground at attention. 

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims 
the general. 

"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman 
appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him 
an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand 
at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' 
Salute each of us, and jump off. 

"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole 
with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task 
perfectly. 

"Now that's courage!" says the admiral. 

"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, 
private!" 

"YES SIR!!" replies the private. 

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these 
rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, 
and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then 
climb back down, head first." 

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task. 

"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!" 

They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says. 

"YES SIR!!" 

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. 
Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 
'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and 
dive off, headfirst." 

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and 
says, "FUCK YOU SIR!!" 

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S 
bravery!" 


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Wooden Airfield


An enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale 
that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied 
pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous 
care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden 
hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft. 

The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that 
Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe 
and report it. 

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to 

the last wooden plank. Early the following morning, a lone 
RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the 
field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb. 


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Yes What?


World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer 
able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military 
leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and 
instructed to feed difficult tactical problem into it. They 
describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then 
ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat? 

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with 
the answer: YES. 

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally 
one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES 
WHAT? 

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!