SEX JOKES

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective,
Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later,
he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE

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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty
early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake
his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just
then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night
drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and
walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you -
aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

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The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said,
"ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last
an hour?"

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A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in
oral sex.
"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"

But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They
asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.

"Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial
respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!"

"WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"

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There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty
and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've
been laid!!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles,
legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the
other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"

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A Shopping Expedition
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking
at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman
with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners Come in. Come into my humbleshop." So the married
couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals 1 think you'd be interested in.
They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed,
but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked
the man, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?" Well, the husband,
after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them
onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years
-- raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on the table and started
tearing at the guy's pants.

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM
ON THE WRONG FEET"

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Sex Problem
A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack,
"Tell me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife
always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a
couple of hours making love before I go to work".

"Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to
work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way
there".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my
secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner
lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".

"Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back
to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she
says she'll give me the sack".

Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home
my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex
afterwards".

"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"

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A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR
THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing
at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a
sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs
who's ever had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a
gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the
gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down
his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening
roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and
big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

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What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M

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A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How
long before I get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get
a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see
where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

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A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address
of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 365 East West Street.
By mistake, he went to 365 WEST East Street, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a
beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him.

She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him
soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused
because of the strange and different approach this house offered.

Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead and found him sitting in the chair
with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."

"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business
elsewhere."

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There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the
doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have
crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second
opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help
me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".

The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't
have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."

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One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had
committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and
God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into
heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years
and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So
off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger,
uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and
Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of
money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that
as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass
the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business
when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man
was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos
approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this
unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the
best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope
for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After
everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

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A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish
you had a flashlight."
He says, "Why's that?"

She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."

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10 WAYS TO KNOW YOU'VE HAD WILD SEX

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to untie your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is
recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your
bed springs.

6. You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's
nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.