Deep Thoughts 2

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically,
it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery,
and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size,
because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a
complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody
walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just
woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't
bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen
and it could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked
where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and
begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of
Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit
each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby?
Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their
faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached
to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone
run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call
hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and
I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until
I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached
to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they
screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming
home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside
he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I
think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just
trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy
and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see
it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams
and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most?
I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that
evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a
shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the
salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone
tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But
then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall
,I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his
cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out
that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in
the cellar."

I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the time required to
really fix up my "pad".

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

I think man invented the car by instinct.

I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the
opposite sex. What a coincidence!

I think it's high time we started questioning the old clichés like "Grunt big for Daddy." Anybody
who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!

I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the earth, and if it
opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, as if you're going to fall in.

One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy Advisor" is "What
kind of stereo system works best in hell?"

Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of cannibals.

In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's
Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys. I think somebody should
come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you
camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a
good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

The prince decided he would learn anger. So he gathered his subjects together outside his
balcony. :Who would teach me anger?" he said. "Fuck you!" somebody yelled. "Okay, how about
algebra?" said the prince.

As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it turned
out. "This is the fourth coat crushing this year", said the sergeant as he outlined the body
with a special pencil that writes on snow.

I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetary, they found fragments of
*human bones*! What kind of barbarians were these people, anyway?

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin
strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record,
pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"