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A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was
murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there
were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.
- Jake Johansen

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A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just
want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.

--Conan O'Brien

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A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her newboyfriend in bed together.
Solution?? I sent them to her dad.

--Christopher Case

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Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their
lives.

--Sue Murphy

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I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really
fast. -

Johnathan Katz

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I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him
the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that
separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

- Jeff Stilson

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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no
matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

-Elayne Boosler

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I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone
like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want
someone like you?'

--Larry Miller

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I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

-Douglas Adams

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I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm
enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

--Richard Jeni

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I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the
country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.

- Jack Mayberry

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I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.

- Rita Rudner

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if
she told me it would defeat the purpose.

--Dennis Miller

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I've been doing the Fonda workout: The Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a
hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.

--Kevin Meaney

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If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!

- Bobcat Goldthwait

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If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.

- Dick Cavett

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In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from
smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

- Warren Hutcherson

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Just when you think that you have been gypped, the Bearded Lady comes and does a double
back-flip.

- John Hiatt

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My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off
the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

--Paula Poundstone

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Now they show you how detergents take out blood stains, a pretty violent image there. I think
if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest
problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

- Jerry Seinfeld

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Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your
boyfriend or girl friend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There
should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

- Bob Ettinger

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Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

--Dennis Miller

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Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

- Paul Rodriguez

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The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also
pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not
much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past
me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'

--Jerry Seinfeld

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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form
of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

- Rita Mae Brown

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What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?

--Marilyn Pittman

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When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew
someone in the Royal family?

- Robin Williams

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Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word
on where your lips end.

- Jerry Seinfeld

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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize,
Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner ..

- Lynda Montgomery

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Writing is nature's way of letting you know how sloppy your thinking is.

- Bob Mugele

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"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was
that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying
to outsmart everybody?"

- Jon Stewart

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"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's
what he told us in the letter."

--Drew Carey

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"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

--A. Whitney Brown

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"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're
schizophrenic?"

--Lily Tomlin