Bill Clinton Jokes

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together
in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and
tosses them thousands of yards away.

When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize
they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

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"I feel schizophrenic; first he says 'open your mouth,' then he says 'keep
it closed.'"

- Monica Lewinski

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President Clinton's Motto:

Eatin' ain't cheatin'

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Two of Bill's sperm were racing toward the cervix and the first one said,

"How far do you think it is to the fallopian tubes?"

The other one said "It can't be too far. I think we just passed the
tonsils."

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How many Ken Starrs does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it costs forty million dollars, and takes a long time because
he keeps asking about the "screw" part.

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There's a women and two men. The women says she is the most beatiful person in the world. The
first man says that he is the strongest man on the earth. The second man says that he has
had the most sex in the world. But then all three disagree about one another and so the
three go to the wizard. The woman went in and asked the wizard if she is the most beatiful
woman in the world and the wizard said that she was. Then the first man went in and asked the
wizard if he was the stongest man in the world and the wizard that he was. Then the second man
went in and asked the wizard if he had the most sex in the world,but instead the second may
came out and said "Who is Bill Clinton?"

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What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?

They both heard a giant sucking sound!

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It seems Miss Lewinsky recorded some of her conversations with Clinton. In a transcript just
released Bill asked Miss Lewinsky "Do you know the difference between Lunch and Oral Sex?"

Miss Lewinsky replied "No, I don't".

Bill then said "Great, let's do lunch!"

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When Chelsea Clinton was young she walked in on her mom getting out of the shower. Pointing to
her chest she asked her "What are those?"

Hiliary's response was "Oh honey, those are my breasts."

Chelsea asked "Will I get breasts?"

"Yes, when you're older." said Hillary.

A day or two later Chelsea walked in on her dad getting out of the shower. Pointing towards his
penis, she asked "What's that?"

Bill responded "Oh honey, tha's my penis."

Chelsea asked "Will I get a penis?"

Bill responded, "Yes, when your mother leaves."

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Secret Service are agents expected to testify that Monica Lewinsky was in the oval office with
the President unescorted for 40 minutes, But everything was O.K, she was just giving the
president a debriefing.

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Did you hear what the FBI determined about Monica Lewinski?

Not only is she a slut, she's a messy eater too!

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What does Bill Clinton, Ken Starr, and Monica Lewinsky have in common?

They blow.

Clinton blows the sax, Starr blows the whistle, and Monica blows the skin flute.

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Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on a Ho

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

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What has four legs and smells like fish?

Clinton's desk.

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Clinton's favorite instrument is not the saxophone.
Its the whore-monica

How did 500 women sampled at random respond when asked if
they would have sex with Bill Clinton?
86% responded "Not again!"

Why did Bill get into this problem?
He didn't know that harass was one word.

Why is there no proof?
She swallowed the evidence.

What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat."

Q. What's the difference between President Clinton and the Titanic?
A. Only 1500 went down on the Titanic

As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker:
"Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright
position and prepare to land?"

Q : What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A: A screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton screws interns!

Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird?
-The Spread Eagle

A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?"
Clinton responded by saying. "No, she was on her knees."

Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?
A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.

The Spelling Bee...Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest.
Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won! He was the only one of the three who knew that 'harass' was one
word.

Q. How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they are too busy screwing the President.

Clinton's team of advisors have offered the following defense...
Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition!
He told her to lie in THIS position....

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.