Lynn's Continuing Journal

Saturday, January 20, 2001

In Loving Memory Of You

Quietly, I’m remembering you
In the silence of my heart
Each thought of you a treasure
While we are now apart.

At times I’m filled with longing,
Your face I’d love to see.
To feel your warmth, to hear your voice,
To have you here with me.

But God has a plan, He created you
And numbered all your days.
May He hold you in His loving arms
And surround me with His grace.

With the hope of reunion in Heaven one day,
I entrust you to His care.
Cherished memories of you live on in my heart.    
Your life is a gift that we share.

The 14th of January has been six months since Cees went home to be with the Lord....I can't  believe it's been that long and yet I know it's such a short  time in this long journey walk called "Grief". Last weekend on the anniversary of him being gone I decided to remove my wedding ring and another I wore on my other finger that Cees gave me when we were going together... I've lost enough weight that they continually spin around and emphasize my loss by reminding me there is no longer any need to advertise that I am a married woman... Death has stolen that commitment and I need to accept it as truth...but oh, I feel so naked without hasn't been off my finger for almost 24 years...!

I took my wedding ring to my jeweler, the place that made it for us originally, and asked him if he could re-vamp it and make it into a pendant.  The ring is almost a karat heart shaped diamond and the wedding band portion of it is one half of the heart with channel set amethyst stones in it which is my birthstone, they look almost like the letter "C" for the last name of Crawford and Cees' first name. It was a very beautiful ring and holds so many memories and love from him. I figured I could put it on a really nice gold chain and wear it close to my heart to remind me that he will be there always.  The other ring I will put in the safety deposit box and someday my children may want to fight over it, who knows. It's more like a family ring, when Cees bought it for me it was a band that was split on top with the word "LOVE" in it. One year for my birthday he put my birthstone in it and for Christmas one year he put the five children and his birthstones divided on each side.  Although it's more of a "mothers" ring or "Family" ring, I just can't bear to wear it without my wedding just seems as though the two are a part of each I will keep it safe and wear my new pendent and press it close to my heart when it aches for him...

So, this month starts another six months of a journey I never thought I'd walk this early.... The beginning of the "second half" of the "first year". Since next month is my 50th birthday I thought I would mark it with a new I asked my jeweler to make me a new ring. It's a heart shaped amethyst with channel set diamonds that make up the band but they are offset when they come around to meet the amethyst... It's a mile marker birthday and the ring will be my reminder of my new "birth" so to speak...into a new half century of who knows.... I'm not ready for this we go!

I leave for Maui next Sunday on the 28th of January for a week in the sun...looking forward to some relaxation and some time to reflect. Some on the past, some on the present and some on the future. I know we can't look back except to remember the things that have helped to create the person that I am now, but I'm looking forward to being able to look backward with warm memories and finally be able to smile a bit...he brought such laughter to my life along  with other things and it's only been recently that I can even begin to remember some of the hilarious things he used to say and do.. And with the memories comes a gentle smile...

They say that Maui is called the island of the rainbows. What a wonderful  place to wrap ones self in the perfect reminder of the Father's promise than an island surrounded by rainbows. I'm taking my digital camera and my laptop and hope to be able to capture some of them. I'm also going to try to find the place called the "Valley Of The Kings" a place also referred to as the "Valley  Of The Rainbows". Cees and I were discussing the fact that his son could marry his lovely bride in Maui but in all the years we were married he had never taken me there. Of course when he proposed years ago he said, "We can either get married with this income tax refund OR go to Hawaii." Well, of course I said, "Let's do both!" Holding true to form, he said, "No, it's either one or the other." Thinking, of course, like a women, I'd probably get there one day anyway, I decided to take him up on the offer of marriage. Well, twenty three years later we still had not made it to Hawaii. When I told him I was disappointed that we'd never been, he said..."Tell ya what, If I get to feeling better and get out of this place, I'll take you to Maui and marry you all over again." What a gift he gave me...not that fact that he was willing to take me to Hawaii after all these years, but that he would be willing to marry me again...That, I think, is the greatest gift a husband could give a wife after so many years together.

So, the reason for searching for the "Valley Of The Rainbows" is that in May 2002 I will return with a girlfriend who was very close to Cees and still is to me who will turn 40 on the 14th of May 2002. I have saved a few of his ashes and when we return to Maui we will take them and scatter them in the "Valley Of The Rainbows" and in a symbolic way know that we were finally there together. Perhaps by then I will have some things resolved and life will be will never be better and most certainly will never be the same, but I believe one day it will get easier.

My folks, bless their hearts, are coming to stay with the girls while I'm gone. I hope it's not going to upset them (the girls that is) as I will be gone to Maui and then for my 50th Birthday present to me, I'm taking me to New York on the 8th of February to the Westminster Kennel Show. I've always wanted to go and Cees and I talked of going so I'm going just to watch this time, not to show. My Westminster prospect has a few years to grow yet but this is a great opportunity to see the best dogs in action and I've learned that life is much to short to put things that you really want to do on the back burner.

Well, friends and family another day looms in the distance and I am fighting a chest cold. I will close for now, snuggle up on the couch with the girls and a good book and try to get well. But for what it's worth...I can be sick here or I can be sick in Maui...either way, I'M STILL GOING! ! !

I love you all! 

God Bless,

Lynn Crawford & The Girls,
Mercy * Spirit * Faith * & Ruby

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Genesis 9:13 I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth. KJV

Remember friends, Cees and all the others that have gone on before us are still on their first day. We're still working on those thousand.

II Peter 3:8 But beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years and a thousand years as one day.