Quietly, I’m remembering you
In the silence of my heart
Each thought of you a treasure
While we are now apart.
At times I’m filled with longing,
Your face I’d love to see.
To feel your warmth, to hear your voice,
To have you here with me.
But God has a plan, He created you
And numbered all your days.
May He hold you in His loving arms
And surround me with His grace.
With the hope of reunion in Heaven one day,
I entrust you to His care.
Cherished memories of you live on in my
Your life is a gift that we share.
The 14th of January has been six months since Cees went home to be with
the Lord....I can't believe it's been that long and yet I
know it's such a short time in this long journey walk called
"Grief". Last weekend on the anniversary of him being gone I decided to
remove my wedding ring and another I wore on my other finger that Cees
gave me when we were going together... I've lost enough weight that
they continually spin around and emphasize my loss by reminding me
there is no longer any need to advertise that I am a married woman...
Death has stolen that commitment and I need to accept it as truth...but
oh, I feel so naked without it...it hasn't been off my finger for
almost 24 years...!
I took my wedding ring to my jeweler, the place that made it for us
originally, and asked him if he could re-vamp it and make it into a
pendant. The ring is almost a karat heart shaped diamond and
the wedding band portion of it is one half of the heart with channel
set amethyst stones in it which is my birthstone, they look almost like
the letter "C" for the last name of Crawford and Cees' first name. It
was a very beautiful ring and holds so many memories and love from him.
I figured I could put it on a really nice gold chain and wear it close
to my heart to remind me that he will be there always. The
other ring I will put in the safety deposit box and someday my children
may want to fight over it, who knows. It's more like a family ring,
when Cees bought it for me it was a band that was split on top with the
word "LOVE" in it. One year for my birthday he put my birthstone in it
and for Christmas one year he put the five children and his birthstones
divided on each side. Although it's more of a "mothers" ring
or "Family" ring, I just can't bear to wear it without my wedding
ring....it just seems as though the two are a part of each other...so I
will keep it safe and wear my new pendent and press it close to my
heart when it aches for him...
So, this month starts another six months of a journey I never thought
I'd walk this early.... The beginning of the "second half" of the
"first year". Since next month is my 50th birthday I thought I would
mark it with a new memory...so I asked my jeweler to make me a new
ring. It's a heart shaped amethyst with channel set diamonds that make
up the band but they are offset when they come around to meet the
amethyst... It's a mile marker birthday and the ring will be my
reminder of my new "birth" so to speak...into a new half century of who
knows.... I'm not ready for this but.......here we go!
I leave for Maui next Sunday on the 28th of January for a week in the
sun...looking forward to some relaxation and some time to reflect. Some
on the past, some on the present and some on the future. I know we
can't look back except to remember the things that have helped to
create the person that I am now, but I'm looking forward to being able
to look backward with warm memories and finally be able to smile a
bit...he brought such laughter to my life along with other
things and it's only been recently that I can even begin to remember
some of the hilarious things he used to say and do.. And with the
memories comes a gentle smile...
They say that Maui is called the island of the rainbows. What a
wonderful place to wrap ones self in the perfect reminder of
the Father's promise than an island surrounded by rainbows. I'm taking
my digital camera and my laptop and hope to be able to capture some of
them. I'm also going to try to find the place called the "Valley Of The
Kings" a place also referred to as the "Valley Of The
Rainbows". Cees and I were discussing the fact that his son could marry
his lovely bride in Maui but in all the years we were married he had
never taken me there. Of course when he proposed years ago he said, "We
can either get married with this income tax refund OR go to Hawaii."
Well, of course I said, "Let's do both!" Holding true to form, he said,
"No, it's either one or the other." Thinking, of course, like a women,
I'd probably get there one day anyway, I decided to take him up on the
offer of marriage. Well, twenty three years later we still had not made
it to Hawaii. When I told him I was disappointed that we'd never been,
he said..."Tell ya what, If I get to feeling better and get out of this
place, I'll take you to Maui and marry you all over again." What a gift
he gave me...not that fact that he was willing to take me to Hawaii
after all these years, but that he would be willing to marry me
again...That, I think, is the greatest gift a husband could give a wife
after so many years together.
So, the reason for searching for the "Valley Of The Rainbows" is that
in May 2002 I will return with a girlfriend who was very close to Cees
and still is to me who will turn 40 on the 14th of May 2002. I have
saved a few of his ashes and when we return to Maui we will take them
and scatter them in the "Valley Of The Rainbows" and in a symbolic way
know that we were finally there together. Perhaps by then I will have
some things resolved and life will be easier...it will never be better
and most certainly will never be the same, but I believe one day it
will get easier.
My folks, bless their hearts, are coming to stay with the girls while
I'm gone. I hope it's not going to upset them (the girls that is) as I
will be gone to Maui and then for my 50th Birthday present to me, I'm
taking me to New York on the 8th of February to the Westminster Kennel
Show. I've always wanted to go and Cees and I talked of going so I'm
going just to watch this time, not to show. My Westminster prospect has
a few years to grow yet but this is a great opportunity to see the best
dogs in action and I've learned that life is much to short to put
things that you really want to do on the back burner.
Well, friends and family another day looms in the distance and I am
fighting a chest cold. I will close for now, snuggle up on the couch
with the girls and a good book and try to get well. But for what it's
worth...I can be sick here or I can be sick in Maui...either way, I'M
STILL GOING! ! !