Lynn's Continuing Journal

Thursday, August 31, 2000

Here it is, the last day of August! Friday will be the beginning of a new month and 7 weeks since Cees has been gone. I find it troubling to measure his absence in weeks but I guess that is what one does when they are measuring time. We often age our babies by their weeks until they arrive at the magical number of one year. Then we start measuring by the month and then by the years.

I guess measuring one's new life of change is something like that. It's a new year of beginnings, learning to do, to achieve and to grow in a different way and to measure your accomplishments in steps, sometimes little baby steps, until one gets their balance and can take off running with the confidence that if you fall, someone bigger than you will pick you up and set you on your path again. I continue to place my days and steps in my faith and know that the Father continues to hold my hand...even in the days that I feel like just staying in bed and snuggling with the girls and thinking maybe tomorrow will be different.

I've had some really nice days recently though. My son and his new wife left last Saturday for their honeymoon cruise to Mexico. I dropped them off at the airport and will be picking them up Sunday evening. Can't wait to hear of the fun that they've had just enjoying each other and the three Mexican "Ports Of Call" they visited.

Cees' son Don and his lovely wife, Andrea' had their wedding reception on Sunday evening and it was beautiful. In keeping with the Hawaiian theme, as they were married in Maui last May, they had decorated with Island flowers, pagoda table candles and hanging lanterns. The bride made all of the decorations herself and they were lovely. They had a Hawaiian buffet with some things we had to decipher what they might be, but tried them anyway and a stupendous array of Island dancers. They even had one of the elder dancers dance the Hawaiian wedding dance for the couple and it was absolutely wonderful. I had a tough time during part of it as I could just envision how proud and happy their Dad would have been to be there and to see how in love they were.

On Saturday and Sunday, during the day, I took Spirit, Ruby and Faith to a dog show. There were two shows on Saturday and one on Sunday. Spirit took a reserve Champion Class win in the first show. I showed Faith in Novice Puppy, a class that earns ribbons for over 3 months and under 6 month puppies. She took Best Novice Puppy Of Breed and Best Novice Puppy In Show in the first show and Best Novice Puppy of Breed in the second on Saturday. On Sunday  Spirit earned her first Champion Class win and Faith took Best Novice Puppy Of Breed. My Mom went with me on Sunday and it was kind of nice to just sit and watch the other breeds and relax with friends. She got to see what I do when I go to one of these things.  It's kind of like watching the grass grow for the most part with a little bit of excitement while you're in the ring. The best  is the camaraderie of the people I share my time with...they've been such a support to me in all of have all our friends and family.

This weekend, coming up, will be my first major holiday without Cees. I look back to most of our Labor Day weekends and remember that we were usually doing just that.  Building on the house or doing something in the yard trying to get it ready for the Fall. Of course, this year, having the trailer, we probably would have been going somewhere to just hang out and enjoy the girls and the trailer. He always liked to travel and was looking forward to being able to do that.  I think I'll probably just hang out with the girls, maybe go to the beach one day out of the three and let them run in the surf.  They really enjoyed it the last time they had the chance.  I'll keep a long line on the puppy though...knowing her and how much she loves the water, she'd probably try to swim to China!

I think that the reason I've had a more difficult time this past couple of weeks is the upcoming service planned for Cees' committal. We've had the memorial service but having to wait for the burial until after the weddings and receptions and Labor Day has made it more difficult to put closure on this and begin a healing process. Perhaps when that has happened and we have a place to go spend some time to reflect and remember it will help that process  to begin. In most of the readings I've done on grief.  They have compared it to a journey, one that takes time but a process that can't start until there is a place to mark it by. I've also begun a twice monthly grief support group in hopes that I can learn from those that have dealt with such a loss and recovered or are recovering from it, and how they've been able to put things in perspective and gone forward.

Someone sent a beautiful inspirational e-mail to me last week.  One of the paragraphs kind of tied in to the sentence my daughter sent me.  "When God closes one door, He always opens another, it's just the hallways that suck."  The other sentence that was sent was, "If one stands and looks at the door that's been closed too long, one often misses the door that's been opened" I guess I would think that there has to be a period of standing in the hallway for each of going through a situation like this. But we can't keep looking back, we have to go forward and try to find the door that's being opened for us.  Those doors are the ones that offer life and continuation for us all.  Cees would want me and his children to go forward and to become all that he knew we were and could be. In doing this we honor him and his memory.  I know he was very proud of all of us.  I think this is the one thing that keeps me going forward.  Otherwise, it would be so very difficult.

I guess I'll close for now and bundle the girls off to bed. They're just getting used to this new schedule and if the news comes on and I'm still sitting here.  I have four pair of eyes staring at me from the living room saying, "Okay, enough is enough!  We're tired and we want to go to bed."

God Bless,

Lynn Crawford & The Girls,
Mercy * Spirit * Faith * & Ruby

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Genesis 9:13 I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth. KJV

Remember friends, Cees and all the others that have gone on before us are still on their first day. We're still working on those thousand.

II Peter 3:8 But beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years and a thousand years as one day.