Lynn's Continuing Journal

Sunday, April 1, 2001

So, here we are at the beginning of a new quarter in the new 21st Century.  Does it seem to you that time is just flying by?  Part of me wants to hang on   with a vengeance and whoosh through the years, wanting to see what life is   going to bring me.  The other part still hangs back yearning for what might have been....trying to grab the little straws of remembrances that made everything so what it was. 

I've been staying pretty busy with my work and showing the girls.  Ms. Ruby   (Cees' girl) made me proud last weekend by being the first of our pack to finish her AKC Champion title, and doing it up big time with a Best Of Breed on Sunday that let us go on to the Group ring.  She didn't win there but she honored the breed by carrying her tail and head up and gaited beautifully as if to say, "Look at me Dad, I'm doing this for you" She's also won all her points and majors showing in "Bred By Exhibitor" class which entitles her to an additional special medallion from AKC that acknowledges that.  

I have no doubt that Cees was there on Sunday for as I left Bremerton and headed south on Hwy 16 there in the East sky was a small rainbow placed there as if to say, "I'm so proud of you Ruby, I saw what you did".  "I didn't want to make this rainbow too bright though, I didn't want to take away from your shine for the day"!

I bred Mercy on St. Patty's day the 18th and am keeping my fingers crossed for puppies.  If we have them they'll be due May 19th on Faith's birthday...  I think we're ready for puppies now, I don't think the time was right the last time I bred her.  I know my higher power was saying, "Silly women, get your life a little more together, take care of yourself, before you start taking care of little puppies.”  I've finished the minor remodel of the house, starting to feel a little more like I'm in control of things, so I think it would be just grand to have puppy feet padding around again...  We'll have to wait and see.  If I do, I'll have to name them with all Irish call names like Delaney, Mahoney, Murphy, Irene, Colleen, Patty, etc...  It's only fitting' don't ya think?

On the 14th of April, the day before first Easter without Cees, it will be nine months since he's been gone.  So much happens in nine takes that amount of time for a baby to be born, a new life to come into the world.  I've been reflecting on how much my life has changed in these past few surreal the days and nights have been.  Human life is so precious and so mysterious and about the time we think we have the slightest hint of what it is supposed to be about it takes another curve and we find ourselves back at the beginning trying to see around that curve.

I just found out last week that my dearest friend, diagnosed the same day as Cees, with ovarian cancer has relapsed.  She was only given 20 percent chance of making it and Cees was given a 75 percent chance of making it...  Then came the big curve...  She beat hers and Cees lost his fight...  It's so difficult for me because it's the same time of year Cees relapsed and put us back in the fight for life.  I couldn't even go see her when she had surgery Friday because she was admitted to the same hospital Cees died at.  How unfair is that?  One   thinks they're making such great strides in coming to terms with a loss such as this and then, boom, surprise, hello!  This roller coaster called grief is a sneaky adversary and just clings to a person like cellophane charged with static electricity.  You can't shake it, the harder you try, the tighter it clings...  Wish I could come up with an invention for Static Guard for the soul...  Wouldn't that be wonderful?  The only thing one can do is hold tight to the truth and know that the Lord has everything under control and things are as they are supposed to be.  It's so difficult to do that sometimes because faith is actually daring the soul to believe what the eyes can't see nor the human mind comprehend.  That's a difficult thing to do sometimes, believe me.

Spring brings new life, new's always been my most favorite time of year.  Easter has always been my most favorite holiday because of the meaning it carries and promise it brings.  I can only imagine what Cees' first Christmas in Heaven was like but Easter has to be even more stupendous!!  I have to remind myself though that we are bound by a tether called "time" and  our loved ones that have gone on before are still on their first day...we mark the days and the years and look back and wonder where they've all gone because this world spins by so fast.  They, on the other hand, wait and finally when we're able to join them again...I'm sure they'll say "Welcome home, that wasn't so long after all.”

I think that's what keeps me going forward...although I have to admit this past few weeks, even in my flurry of activity, I've taken a few steps backward.  I've been missing him terribly these past few days, Spring Fever I suppose.  This is the time of year we'd start getting the yard ready, planning our outdoor projects.  Lord knows he loved his projects.  Course, he never seemed to finish one before he jumped into another but that was just him...he was always 20 steps ahead of himself in what he wanted to do and such a perfectionist in what he was doing it took him twice as long to finish a job..  but somehow, eventually the projects got done.  Now the yard just sits and looks at me as if to say, "Well, I'm back, what have you got planned for me this year"?  Maybe when the weather warms up and the days are little warmer I'll finish the one project he never had the time to finish...the flower bed in the front needs the front pavers put in and that is something I can do and remember him while I'm doing it.  I think he'd be proud of me when it's finished and who knows; maybe he'll give me a rainbow on the day I do get it finished...  The little house needs a paint job and I'm adding a couple of feet to the four foot fence around the back yard.  Then the girls can be out there with me when I'm working without me worrying about them jumping the fence.  I'm going to get some bids on asphalting the parking area and then the place will be pretty much done.  What I'll do then, I don't know but for now this will keep me busy.

The days are busy, the nights are quiet.  I do have the new puppy, Faith, signed up for obedience classes once a week for eight weeks so that will help pass the time.  I have a lot of shows planned for the other girls, both UKC and AKC so that helps the weekends fly by.  I enjoy the camaraderie of my dog show friends and they've been a great support to me, but always, always in the back of my heart I know that something is still missing...a part of me that will never be replaced, but that void is slowly being filled with memories called ribbons of the heart, ribbons that are woven around and around and tied with a love knot, tied tighter than any trucker's knot could ever be tied!!!

I Love You Cees ~ I Always Will !!!!!





I love you all! 

God Bless,

Lynn Crawford & The Girls,
Mercy * Spirit * Faith * & Ruby

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Genesis 9:13 I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth. KJV

Remember friends, Cees and all the others that have gone on before us are still on their first day. We're still working on those thousand.

II Peter 3:8 But beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years and a thousand years as one day.