Lynn's Continuing Journal

Wednesday, October 11, 2000

The night sky was lit up tonight with the biggest, full harvest moon that I have seen in such a long time. It was like an anchor in the sky as I drove home from treating a girl friend of many years to a birthday dinner. We shared a wonderful meal at Anthony’s Homeport on the water and as I headed home, the full moon sat right over my house like a beacon.

It brought back so many memories, some wonderful, some funny and some so very painful. The night that Cees went home to be with the Lord the moon was just as big and bright. I had mentioned to my daughter as we stood out in the front yard gazing at it, “You know, he always did do things in a big way…leave to him to mark this night with a moon that stood out like a punctuation mark on a big black piece of paper.”  It reminded me of him, still does and always will every time I see it, big as life, bright, beautiful and full of promise. We  used to walk the girls after dark many nights under the full moon, it was usually cooler and much more romantic and it was a nice ending to a busy day.  We had a lot of really nice talks under some of those moons. Now it just reminds me of a big bright period that closes a chapter of my life and the beginning of a journey that is the most difficult one a person can imagine.

I continue to wonder what plan there is for me…I try to keep busy and keep my  heart and ears focused on the things around me that I could be useful in. I am so much more aware of the many losses that have happened since Cees passed away. Our leukemia newsgroup posted two more little ones that lost their battle with this horrid disease and a 14 month old still fighting for her life. A friend at work acknowledged a year today of her husband’s passing leaving her and her young son to face life on their own. Another friend at work lost his 41-year-old brother while watching his son play on the soccer field. He was in excellent health, or so they thought, and suffered a major heart attack and was gone before his wife could even get there to be with him.  Another friend of Cees’ just passed away from cancer, not willing to share the fact that he was even sick…no one but strangers there with him when he passed.  It leaves those family members and friends that are left behind wondering and facing a much more difficult time than me. I have found that even though this has been hard for me, there are others out there facing the same, if not harsher, situations than me and my heart aches to be able to reach out to them and offer some comfort and guidance. Perhaps that’s something I could do and in the same way help myself work through this journey easier. I don’t know, but it’s a start to be able to put some kind of order to the disorder of such a devastating loss.

As far as news on the home front, I’ve found out that we are not going to have  puppies. I bred Mercy during Labor Day weekend, but was not successful. In a way, it’s probably better to wait until spring. I probably need this time to gather my thoughts and direct my energies to my girls I already have. It’s been a pretty big loss for them too. I see it in them daily as they struggle to adjust to me being gone all day and Cees not here with them during the day.  He spoiled them so much and they loved to be wherever he was at, whether he was in the house or out in the shed working on something. Ruby continues to be the one that misses him the most…after all, she was his girl, he raised her from a newborn from our first litter. Mercy is mostly concerned about me, she is the most sensitive to my moods. Of course, she’s the Alpha of the group and keeps an eye on them all…kind of like a mother hen watching her chicks.  Spirit, well, Spirit is oblivious to most of what goes on around here. She is the most affectionate of the four. She sleeps on my pillow at night and cuddles as if to say, “I’ll be here to give you hugs.” She actually turns over  and gives me a kiss on the cheek to say “Goodnight.” The puppy, Faith, is the newest addition to our group and she came to live with us a couple of weeks after Cees’ left us. He held her for a brief moment when she was about 5 or 6 weeks old and he thought she would be a wonderful addition to our pack. He  said he liked the name, Crystal-AH’s A Measure Of Faith, and told me always to hold on to my Faith. That seems like such an understatement when one faces challenges like we do when we lose a loved one. I just can’t imagine how someone goes on, day to day, without faith and a belief that there must be something more than this.

I guess I’ve kind of just been rambling, but it helps to put thoughts to pen.  They say that you need to keep busy and I do. In fact, I start school in January for web page design. I’m taking a trip to Maui the end of January and also going to New York to see the Westminster Kennel Show for my 50th birthday in February. I take the girls to shows, although we’ve not had much luck lately. They’ve shed their beautiful coats and are working on the winter ones so it makes it hard to compete with those that are further along with their new coats. It’s still comforting to be around my friends and share a bit of time with them doing something that we both loved to do. I hope to be able to finish Ruby’s AKC champion title this next year and also her UKC Grand Champion title. It’s something I want to do for Cees. He really loved that little girl and was really getting into the show scene.

My wonderful new daughter-in-law brought me a beautiful card the other day.  The message it had on it was, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord…plans to give you hope and a future…You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart…. Jeremiah 29:11,13. I think this says that one still has a job to do when we are left behind after the loss of a loved one. And only when we take the initiative to search for it will He make it known to us. That’s what I’m trying to do and sometimes it’s very hard to keep trying. It is a little better than it has been. I can remember him without crying all the time, but the joy has not returned yet to my heart. It will be a long time I think before that happens. I just try to keep my heart and ears open and get through another day, sometimes moment by moment.

Thank you for visiting, I appreciate your love and concern for me. I know there are those of you that continue to pray for me. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers and know they are heard. It’s something I know that has gotten me this far.

God Bless,

Lynn Crawford & The Girls,
Mercy * Spirit * Faith * & Ruby

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Genesis 9:13 I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth. KJV

Remember friends, Cees and all the others that have gone on before us are still on their first day. We're still working on those thousand.

II Peter 3:8 But beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years and a thousand years as one day.