The night sky was lit up tonight with the
biggest, full harvest moon that I have seen in such a long time. It was
like an anchor in the sky as I drove home from treating a girl friend
of many years to a birthday dinner. We shared a wonderful meal at
Anthony’s Homeport on the water and as I headed home, the
full moon sat right over my house like a beacon.
It brought back so many memories, some wonderful, some funny and some
so very painful. The night that Cees went home to be with the Lord the
moon was just as big and bright. I had mentioned to my daughter as we
stood out in the front yard gazing at it, “You know, he
always did do things in a big way…leave to him to mark this
night with a moon that stood out like a punctuation mark on a big black
piece of paper.” It reminded me of him, still does
and always will every time I see it, big as life, bright, beautiful and
full of promise. We used to walk the girls after dark many
nights under the full moon, it was usually cooler and much more
romantic and it was a nice ending to a busy day. We had a lot
of really nice talks under some of those moons. Now it just reminds me
of a big bright period that closes a chapter of my life and the
beginning of a journey that is the most difficult one a person can
imagine.
I continue to wonder what plan there is for me…I try to keep
busy and keep my heart and ears focused on the things around
me that I could be useful in. I am so much more aware of the many
losses that have happened since Cees passed away. Our leukemia
newsgroup posted two more little ones that lost their battle with this
horrid disease and a 14 month old still fighting for her life. A friend
at work acknowledged a year today of her husband’s passing
leaving her and her young son to face life on their own. Another friend
at work lost his 41-year-old brother while watching his son play on the
soccer field. He was in excellent health, or so they thought, and
suffered a major heart attack and was gone before his wife could even
get there to be with him. Another friend of Cees’
just passed away from cancer, not willing to share the fact that he was
even sick…no one but strangers there with him when he
passed. It leaves those family members and friends that are
left behind wondering and facing a much more difficult time than me. I
have found that even though this has been hard for me, there are others
out there facing the same, if not harsher, situations than me and my
heart aches to be able to reach out to them and offer some comfort and
guidance. Perhaps that’s something I could do and in the same
way help myself work through this journey easier. I don’t
know, but it’s a start to be able to put some kind of order
to the disorder of such a devastating loss.
As far as news on the home front, I’ve found out that we are
not going to have puppies. I bred Mercy during Labor Day
weekend, but was not successful. In a way, it’s probably
better to wait until spring. I probably need this time to gather my
thoughts and direct my energies to my girls I already have.
It’s been a pretty big loss for them too. I see it in them
daily as they struggle to adjust to me being gone all day and Cees not
here with them during the day. He spoiled them so much and
they loved to be wherever he was at, whether he was in the house or out
in the shed working on something. Ruby continues to be the one that
misses him the most…after all, she was his girl, he raised
her from a newborn from our first litter. Mercy is mostly concerned
about me, she is the most sensitive to my moods. Of course,
she’s the Alpha of the group and keeps an eye on them
all…kind of like a mother hen watching her chicks.
Spirit, well, Spirit is oblivious to most of what goes on around here.
She is the most affectionate of the four. She sleeps on my pillow at
night and cuddles as if to say, “I’ll be here to
give you hugs.” She actually turns over and gives
me a kiss on the cheek to say “Goodnight.” The
puppy, Faith, is the newest addition to our group and she came to live
with us a couple of weeks after Cees’ left us. He held her
for a brief moment when she was about 5 or 6 weeks old and he thought
she would be a wonderful addition to our pack. He said he
liked the name, Crystal-AH’s A Measure Of Faith, and told me
always to hold on to my Faith. That seems like such an understatement
when one faces challenges like we do when we lose a loved one. I just
can’t imagine how someone goes on, day to day, without faith
and a belief that there must be something more than this.
I guess I’ve kind of just been rambling, but it helps to put
thoughts to pen. They say that you need to keep busy and I
do. In fact, I start school in January for web page design.
I’m taking a trip to Maui the end of January and also going
to New York to see the Westminster Kennel Show for my 50th birthday in
February. I take the girls to shows, although we’ve not had
much luck lately. They’ve shed their beautiful coats and are
working on the winter ones so it makes it hard to compete with those
that are further along with their new coats. It’s still
comforting to be around my friends and share a bit of time with them
doing something that we both loved to do. I hope to be able to finish
Ruby’s AKC champion title this next year and also her UKC
Grand Champion title. It’s something I want to do for Cees.
He really loved that little girl and was really getting into the show
scene.
My wonderful new daughter-in-law brought me a beautiful card the other
day. The message it had on it was, "For I know the plans I
have for you, declares the Lord…plans to give you hope and a
future…You will seek me and find me when you seek me with
all your heart…. Jeremiah 29:11,13. I think this says that
one still has a job to do when we are left behind after the loss of a
loved one. And only when we take the initiative to search for it will
He make it known to us. That’s what I’m trying to
do and sometimes it’s very hard to keep trying. It is a
little better than it has been. I can remember him without crying all
the time, but the joy has not returned yet to my heart. It will be a
long time I think before that happens. I just try to keep my heart and
ears open and get through another day, sometimes moment by moment.
Thank you for visiting, I appreciate your love and concern for me. I
know there are those of you that continue to pray for me. I appreciate
your thoughts and prayers and know they are heard. It’s
something I know that has gotten me this far.
