Here
it is, almost the end of another month. September has come and gone and
I can hardly remember a minute of it. Although the warmth of the sun
during the day fools us into thinking it's still summer, the bite of
the cool nights are quick to usher in Fall. They say perhaps we'll have
an Indian summer, I hope so... I used to like the Fall, with the scent
of burning leaves and big orange moons but with it comes the knowing
that winter is close on it's heels... Winter and I were never
friends but I think this will be the hardest one yet to greet.
I
decided I needed to visit the cemetery last Thursday. Thought it best
if I went the first time by myself. I've not yet been able to
put my heart and my head together and fully realize that Cees is
gone...I don't know when and if that will ever happen...but to go there
was helpful, I think, but so very hard to do. To purposely drive out
there was almost more than I could do..it forces one to re-live the
most difficult times of the past 11 weeks when you think you've done
such a great job of coming to terms with your loss...for some I guess
it's something they wouldn't or couldn't do. For me it helped to begin
to put closure to a part of my life that had come to such an abrupt
halt. I would not have been able to realize it was really real if not
for the small square grave and marker that bore his name and dates of
birth and death..and as I put flowers on it thought, "Such a small
space to hold such a bigger than life person such as him." I know he's
not really there...I know that he is helping to build additions to the
mansions with the master carpenter Himself, but in the human our
thoughts are still wrapped to the earthly thoughts of them and the
space they once claimed. Those that have already walked this journey
called grief say that with time those thoughts will change and
acceptance will flow in and with it the memories will be able to be
remembered with smiles instead of tears. I hope so, because there are
so many I want to be able to remember, and some of them I do, but when
you have 28 years of them, well, it's going to take a while to look at
each and every one of them...each one brings a flood of tears. It's
really hard some days....
As
I stood there looking over the beautiful grounds I was also looking for
a rainbow...it had rained earlier in the day and the sky was just
aching for one...but there wasn't one to be found. It always seemed
that when things got rough for us the Lord would place that beautiful
rainbow somewhere smack in front of us. And when I feel I almost can't
go on He places one for me...I just wasn't able to find one this day. I
talked with Cees, I told him I was trying to keep things up and told
him about the girls, that they missed him but they were keeping me
company and on my toes... I told him how much I missed him and how
difficult it was to not have him there to share my disappointments and
frustrations with. I told him how scared I was when I fell the other
day coming up from the kennel and hurt my finger, knowing he wouldn't
be there to catch me and how lost I was when I had my first flat tire
last Wednesday... I told him how cute the new puppy Faith is and how
she won three Best Novice Puppy Of Breed and one Best Novice Puppy In
Show a couple weeks ago...he would be really proud of her. I poured out
my heart till there wasn't anything left to tell. I told him goodbye
and I left to drive home...still no rainbow...
I
got home and some friends came to visit for a little while and in the
middle of our visit the phone rang... I had been talking most of the
way home on my cell phone with Lisa, a very good friend that lives not
too far from the cemetery. I had told her how sad I was not to have
seen a rainbow earlier and she had called to tell me, the reason I
hadn't seen it was because it had been chasing me home. Too
amazing...but true...while I was driving West to come home...she had
looked East over toward the cemetery and saw the most beautiful double
rainbow.
She
said "Cees is sending his love to you" "You must have had a really good
talk...he painted a double one.." So, I don't know yet what all of this
means...maybe it's just God's way of saying, "You just take the time to
be kind to yourself, rest in the promise that things will be okay."
Maybe the rainbow is just how He makes his periods to his sentences...
All I can say is I have seen more rainbows in the past year and a half
than I have the last 28 years of our lives together... I will continue
to wait and see what promise they must mark... That's all one can do at
this point in time...
I
continue to stay busy...I am showing the dogs and our girl Faith just
won another Best Novice Puppy of Breed and Best Novice Puppy In Show
last Saturday. With it she won a really cute little trophy and ribbon.
Spirit, our second girl won her second Champion of Champion wins toward
her total of five needed to make her a Grand Champion... I've started a
Tuesday night Bible study class, and am preparing my computer
and study area for school in the winter. Want to take webpage design
and become a certified web master. I think that will keep me busy for a
while.
I
don't think a moment goes by without my missing him more than one can
know...I hope that I will be able to make him proud of me by beginning
to go on with my life and learn to get to know the person I am and who
he helped to make... I hope I can remember the things he tried so hard
to teach me so I can pass them on to our children and our
grandchildren... When people ask me, "How's Lynn Today?" I try to say,
"Okay For Today, Or At Least For This Moment!" It's truly a moment by
moment journey...
