Lynn's Continuing Journal

Tuesday, November 14, 2000

The song that’s playing….Wind Beneath My Wings….that pretty much expresses what Cees was to me. He was my encourager, the one that helped make me who I have become today. He seemed to always blend into the background, going along with whatever I dreamnt up or whatever project I dived into. It was usually headfirst whatever it was…if one was good then ten must be better. He never discouraged me in fact he always seemed to enjoy my wild fancies in the long run….the rabbit I brought home needed a pen, but not just any old pen. It had to be the fanciest one he could design. A living room, bedroom and of course part of it had to be enclosed so bunny wouldn’t get cold. When he brought a baby duck home from the park one time because kids were teasing it….we went to the store to bring home a pool for it…got home and it had flown off. So, if one duck was good then four would be better…so I thought. He built a pen for them and tolerated the mess until I placed them on a farm. The oodles and oodles of animals I brought home seemed like an endless project of design for him to house them. When I raised cockatiels, not any cage would do…I had to have an oak aviary…so, of course, he designed one…one that would make anyone proud to have in their living room. 6’ x 5’ x 2 ‘ stained with powder coated mesh and pull out drawers for cleaning… A work of art…. Then along came the girls….1, 2, 3, 4 ! Our American Eskimo Dogs. Of course, Mercy was an anniversary gift from me to him…for me. We had been without a dog for almost 9 years before her… Most folks just have one dog to love and enjoy, but I got bit by the show scene and before we knew it we had a champion. Again, if one is good two would be better and before we knew it along came number three. He and Dad worked so hard last year building the most beautiful covered 12’ x 24’ covered run to keep them safe and secure, just in time for number four! Odd that I would be remembering these things tonight but sometimes things just pop into one’s head at the strangest times… I write them as they are given in hopes of capturing the memories that might slip by otherwise. Sometimes so fast that it’s difficult to catch them and each and everyone of them is so very precious I can’t bear to forget them so I write them down as silly as they seem at the time.

Today has been four months since Cees’ has been gone and it seems like an eternity already and yet sometimes just like yesterday. So much has changed….the days are getting shorter, the weather colder. And yet some days just glide into another and I can’t believe that November is already here.  It’s been difficult having to think of all the things that have to be done to get a house ready for winter. Cees was the one that usually battened down the hatches and made sure that we could weather any storm. I’ve had the furnace checked and cleaned, the fireplace inspected and cleaned and am in the process of having the heat ducts re-taped and insulated…with the higher prices in natural gas it seems foolish to have put in wall and ceiling insulation and not have the ductwork insulated. He took such great care of our little house, and made sure that it would be safe should something happen to him….I want to make him proud of me being able to keep up it’s care… I’ve had so much help from my Dad and Mom but there are just some things that even they can’t do…

Change can be good too…I’ve spent last weekend painting and getting ready to put in new carpet and vinyl floors…bought some new furniture and will be putting in wallpaper soon. It helps to lift the spirits and makes it a little easier to come home at night. Although having the girls here waiting for me helps the most…. All the changes I’ve done, or will be doing, are things that Cees and I had talked about and were going to do as he said, “when I get feeling better”. I would like to think in a way he is helping me along…I think he’d like the changes I’ve added…he would have enjoyed them I think…

I found out last Wednesday that Tahoma National Cemetery set Cees’ headstone.  I went out there Friday night with our good friends, Ray and Lisa and when I drove along “Memorial Drive” it was breathtaking to see all the flags that had been donated to the facility, standing at attention all along the drive. The wind was still and they all hung silently, the daylight already being stolen from sky. Almost like sentries standing there in remembrance of all the Veteran’s whose lives had been taken in protecting our freedom…and those that served their country in other ways and had been laid to rest during peacetime. Such an awesome sight was it that I will also be donating Cees flag presented to the family at his service to also be flown during military holidays. What an honor to know that he too was part of that.

His headstone bears his name, rank date of birth and date of death….but what means more than anything to me is instead of “Loving Husband” or “Husband & Father” is two small initials “C.C.” Those two little letters, in my view, just seemed to say it all…C.C. is who he was, most everyone knew him by those initials of his name but they could have stood for “Constant Companion”, “Caring Comrade” or “Consoling Confidant” Two little letters, for a bigger than life person….. I rest in the thought that now maybe those two little letters might stand for “Christ’s Child” I know that he is with the Lord and he is a child of God and one day I’ll see him again…. When I do I know that all this pain of missing him will disappear and I’ll be able to say, “Why, that wasn’t so long after all”, especially when we’ll have eternity together in a place much more wonderful than this…

I haven’t seen many rainbows lately…with the low winter sky almost upon us it will be a while before they come back to visit….but I still have the full moon to mark the months that will continue to fly by. The moon was full when he left and each time I see a new one I think to myself, “There’s that punctuation mark again, time to stop and be still and take a check on how I’m doing. Traveling this journey called grief is not easy. Folks say, “It will never get better, but it will get easier” I think that’s true. I have some days that are easier but for right now it’s still hard for the most part…you’ll never forget the one you’ve lost, they will always remain a part of you…and Cees was such a big part of me…in so many ways…it will take me a long time to find the me in me and not the we….one breath at a time is what I’m going on some days…but someone posted in a support group, It’s always darkest before the dawn, but if you don’t open the shades you won’t be able to see the sunrise”. How true that is…it’s so much easier to want to stay in bed and pull the covers up over your head. But if you do you miss so much that life has to offer. Cees loved life, he loved his family and he so loved his friends. He loved to be doing and going, never standing still for very long.  He used to say if he did, his knees hurt too much. I think he just couldn’t stand still that long…he was always ten steps ahead of what his mind was thinking on at the moment. That’s probably why quite a few projects got started but not finished before he started another one…always on the move my guy….

Thanks for letting me ramble today….it helps me to put my thoughts down and if just one person reads something here that can help them in whatever challenge they’re facing then perhaps it makes it all worth it…something good has to come from something so difficult to make it bearable…


God Bless,

Lynn Crawford & The Girls,
Mercy * Spirit * Faith * & Ruby

Journal Links

Site Map Meet C.C. Stem Cell Transplant Journal Of Days Obituary
July 31, 2000
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August 31, 2000
September 9, 2000
September 27, 2000
October 11, 2000
November 14, 2000
January 1, 2001
January 20, 2001
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Genesis 9:13 I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth. KJV

Remember friends, Cees and all the others that have gone on before us are still on their first day. We're still working on those thousand.

II Peter 3:8 But beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years and a thousand years as one day.