living on the streets was hard for a cat of this caliber...he was born into a broken litter barely striving for his own...he began begging for food...eating old and moldy bread infused with amazing ammounts of crusty apple peels...the package stared...falsly promising a holy ammount of freshness...soon he began to devise plans of stealing food from local alabamians....sharing such to the likes of his brothers in crime...his real brothers...as he began with his stealth moves....alarms blarred their deathly siren...simon looked up only to see one of his cat brothers pulling the alarm...he was outcast by his fellow cats because of his overpowering mind...even the cats he once called "brothers" betrayed him...catting him out to the local cartel for his high prices...or something......he became a loner and realized he was never going to fit in with his family....crawling away in defeat...he knew he place...
he arrived later to a homeless alleyway where bums and hooligans "hang"...yeah the same bums and hooligans that drove those "mystery van" people to endless means just to catch someone who was trying to "haunt" a gold mine to get rich...freakin meddling kids and all....ahem...they took him in as their own...maybe they related to him...maybe they had pity....or maybe they were thinking of the many ways to sell his furr on the black market...who knows what cat furr goes for these days...nevertheless...he stayed with them for years....never once asking for more than their company....it seemed as if he found his home....
a loud mockery of what we at acc call "cat fight noises from the bottom of graves where dead things roam"...well not that we really call it that here..i'm just elaborating....i said it was a mockery ok...that means it's "trying to be but is not"....or something like that....simon broke out slicing and dicing at a poor old lady....blasting a 9mm toward a local grocery..screaming "bling bling that inner bootay"...as all the old ladies say these days...after a small brawl with the local "bums" he was even outcast by the outcasts....the poor life of a cat named simon....until...he found his way....
right into a speeding truck....as simon stood a few minutes later...he realized his potential of being the small cat who dies in every story in a current conspiracy...."of course the cat was something but withstanding a speeding truck is a little much.." some might say but to those i say....you don't like it?!??!! go buy a comic book!!!!! so you can look at the pretty pictures of human beings lifting trucks into the air above their heads!!!! then you come back then tell me "oh human beings are so much different than cats" then i'll have to come there and beat you down into a puddle of your own legs!!!!!!!!....ahem...as i was saying...after being hit by the massive automobile...he fell into unconsciousness...
he awoke in a small girls arms...he'd been cleaned...and fed...how did such a miraculous thing happen? don't ask me...simon says he doesn't know ::wink wink:: simon says hehehehe get it!? get it!??!! ok....i see...no humor here....just a big page of nothing...yeah....right...next paragraph for no reason...
the girl spoke in a strange language even stranger than that of the homeboys back in the alley with the gats and the nines...ahem...back to the girl...she showed ammounts of love never given to him by anyone that had ever been in little simon's life..and even gave him his name...soon he thought of his old family...the "street bums" i.e. "bums on the street" or the more popular "crack fiends"....the politically correct.."unemployed street dwellers" or some sort of cultist quote "we are employed by the street yet we don't get paid by the city" i dunno..maybe i made it up..maybe it's true...you never know these days...hmm...he thought of them as a learning block...to never think you have the worst life until it really is over as you look down and realize it really was the worst life as your mechanical breather cuts out again for the thousandth time today......but it all ended well for simon....or so he thought....
simon awoke to a crackling burning sound....that of the ezee--mart...a strange intoxicating scent..gasoline!..suddenly he realized the house was ablaze and dove out the window into a nearby tree!!....rewind....ouse was ablaze and dove out the window into a nearb....rewind...aze and dove out the window into a nearby tree!! ok..ok..enough...rewind...dove out the window into a nearby tree!! as you can see from this footage...
i guess that was a little lame...but it must have been funny to see a big foot...with three toes...cats don't even have three toes...do they? hmm...makes you wonder...if it's really an island of some kind instead...or a t-bone steak...with peas....ahem....rewind...with peas....ahem...that little simon can jump miraculous feet...hehe..no pun intended...simon could hear hysterical laughter from his tree...he finally realized where it was coming from when he looked down as his girl with a twisted smile on her face as her house went up into a huge blazing ball of fire...it probly looked like this....
ok ok maybe not...but maybe..if their house was shaped like a pencil eraser...if by pencil erasor i mean...a giant mind controlled ant on fire? as the subtitles clearly state and the arrows obviously point out the fairly large ammount of tin foil which is known to mind control ants like nothing!!!!! but...you know..maybe?...no....the girl had set it herself...the derranged minds of the world at work...truly she just wanted to watch it burn...freakin pyros...
::flicks his lighter and watches the fire slowly burn and flicker until the nerve endings get to the brain and the word "pain" is sent directly through the nervous system and roo's finger feels it::
ow..sorry about that...got..carried away...he was yet again abandoned as the girl was hospitalized for something they call "insanity"....walking around the insane asylum waiting for his girl to come back out began to get slightly boring to this highly intellegent brute...just as he was about to bust in there and rip it up something caught his eye..what looked like a camaflagued mission man..he set a couple of explosive charges and as soon as the timer began ticking down he was blown up into a firey tormented gasoline bomb of love...bricks and concrete covered him with only his hand sticking out of the grave of cement...two figures slowly stepped over the body looking rather confused as to what they were doing...hey...why not...simon began walking briskly with them...he was in for the ride of a lifetime....
(postlude)
when they arrived at the penguin's lair (not freakin batman penguin and stop asking!) and not long into it simon was experimented on in devious ways...the evil genius william scott actually got simon to talk....soon he was wired for destruction and became the ups special demolition team and also recon....he was in the big time...his studdering and nervous attitude serves as a difficulty when it comes to explosives and talking in general but...you gotta love him....and uh...stop his evil schemes....well..the penguins...of course..that's a given...or else...
the penguin says "i want u...to join my army of menacing and intimidating minions of doom" but when that penguin ices the world and you're sittin there with your face all iced off and hair all breaking into pieces you'll regret that little "wager" you made on "who will be the number one" cause you'll already be a goner i mean you can't live in a world with ice covering your face all day...frostbite has another meaning when the penguin gets done with you....you have to say to the penguin...
not on my watch...and of course the penguin gains a bunch of weight after eating all your "homeboys" who decided to tag along but hey what is the world comin to when you have to blast down a big fat penguin just to get ends meat and keep that darned ice off your face...i mean..you know if you had that claw in your face you'd be pretty hacked to say the least....5:00am and all is well....maybe i should stop drinking so much blue rush....or maybe not....
this's roo...signing off...
roo
