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giant ants
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ants today are a bigger threat than the dreaded "spam". stinging, biting, itching, burning....sometimes even causing, death. they're almost like a huge mass of drooling, aging, discolored, alien rats with liver spots shaped like alaska. however, unlike most creatures they have no brains whatsoever and the "brains" they would have would only be the size of a fleas toenail. fortunately, for them they are very experienced in building huge empires of who knows what. they could last up to 3 days in the wilderness with this miraculous ability. this structure is so strong that even the smallest kick could bury the kingdom of ants...yes...ants, the little creatures that you muscle over with a lawn mower, drown as they scream helplessly with the hose, even blast their pathetic life into a whirlwind of color with paintballs! what's that? 'thats a hate crime, you can't say that...' uh...yeah those.....now you realize what we're dealing with...or actually...you don't....
on januray 11th, of 1999, an archeltogical team was exploring a mammoth cave, which expands all through-out the united states, where they found a startling discovery. under arizona, in the maze of caves, they found a colony of massive ants. we are going to show a taped interview with one of the members of the team, tim jenkins taken just 3 days after the discovery.
neo: Welcome, we are here with Tim Jenkins, one of the team members of the archolgical team that found the super massive ants, which came first from us. How long were you exploring the cave prior to the discovery?
Jenkins: We were under there for about 8 hours. It seems like days though, no light other than lights you bring with you.
neo: haha I can't even imagine what it would be like. This is the question that everyone is asking us. How did you discover this? I mean, could it have really been hidden for decades, even centuries without us missing such a discovery?
Jenkins: Well, it could be pretty easy to miss something like this. Mammoth Cave is over 100,000 miles long. It's a complex maze, even some sections are inaccessible to life, so we think. But at first, we came upon a ledge, it seemed like a drop that never ended. So naturally, we drop the light sticks down, about six of them. It took about 20-25 seconds for it to reach the bottom. We could barely see if it made it yet. Then all of a sudden we heard screams and skreaking. It was like something out of a nightmare. We threw about 40 light sticks down there to see what it was. When they hit, we saw shadows moving across the floor. We couldn't see what was down there yet. So we left the cave.
neo: Wait, why didn't you just repel down there?
Jenkins: hahah, yeah right, plus we didn't have rope long enough for that kind of drop. Anyways, we brought in 2 spot lights, not the huge ones, but the, I guess, medium sized ones. Battery powered of course. When we pointed the lights down there and turned the lights on, it was like hell. Masses of rock everywhere, holes about 30 ft in diameter, and what seemed like monsters you would expect to see in a childhood nightmare. But they were ants, except about 300 times larger. It was like a small community of creatues, I think the offical count is 57 ants. The screams, I never heard a more frightening sound. Then one of them looked up at the light and made a awkward sound. Then all movement stopped down there and they all looked up at us. About 5 came up out of the holes.
neo: wow, this is like something you would see in the movies. what was your reaction then?
Jenkins: hahahaaa, run. We turned off the lights and ran out of there so fast. Then we thought, who do you contact for this kind of discovery? So we went to the central office for Mammoth Caves and told them. They made a few calls to the National Geographic Society and a few other assocations. About 30 minutes after we got to the cave and showed them, you guys showed up by helicopter. It was crazy, I don't know how you heard about it, you must have had an inside source. Anyways, they closed down the cave entrances nation wide and got all the people out of there within a few hours. After that, everyone knew about it. It was all over the news. But this is the first interview I'm giving to anyone.
neo: well we're about out of time. Thank you for sharing this increible story.
today, we know what we did not know in 1999. the section where the giant ants were found in the cave hid evidence that something else was down there. as we continued to explore further down into the cave, what we found was startling......in the very deepest part of the cave, a huge laboratory was found. it had to be over a square mile. huge glass cases in rows that seem to never end. what could have been there that needed such space? ....an army.....an army for the penguin...thousands of these glass cases...apparently used for...cloning..cloning these giant ants.....enough ants for everyone and their dog....well maybe not that many, but alot.....we were never prepared to find such a discovery...
after heavy testing in the acc labs we've found small traces of a metalic substance attached to each of the 51 ants we recieved from the site...in a deeper study of this our researcher concluded this to be aluminum foil...though we never heard of the substance...(william...get the baked potato off the camera...what? that's aluminum foil? whatever..) ...back to the strange "metallic" substance...after further study into the depths of this new compound we revealed a dark secret...
roo: hello this is roo from a current conspiracy and i'd like to ask you a couple of questions would you mind answering them?
Marcy77777: don't know until you ask them...
roo: the first is have you ever used aluminum foil on your television to get a better reception?
Marcy77777: no... I use an antennae
roo: yes but have you ever used aluminum foil on the antennae
Marcy77777: no
roo: where do you commonly use aluminum foil?
Marcy77777: does it help? LOL
Marcy77777: backyard bar-b-que
roo: i've heard so but i'm trying to figure this out from survey style....thanks for your time! you'll find this interview at a later date at www.acurrentconspiracy.com
Marcy77777: ok... have an unusual day!
well...not as dark of a secret as one might expect....backyard bar-b-que...(stop it with the baked potato...) is this the only use for aluminum foil people know today?! because of lack of people who actually know that this was a use of aluminum foil....we goto the street to interview...uh...our own staff!
roo: lol don't people use aluminum foil on antennaes?
neo: lol not anymore
as neo begs for change in the uh...street...the..."dark" secret is out...people use aluminum foil on antennaes...for better reception...(gasps in background)...but what we've come across is greater than this fact...as we go to the researcher...you gonna eat all this? (opens baked potato) uh...is this..an ant leg...(looks in strange fascination at william) "i wasn't gonna eat it....it was just an...example..." an...ant leg...wrapped in aluminum foil...wait did you cook this?! "it...came that way...it's just a demonstration...on..how aluminum foil...effects the ant..."...ryygghht...did we get this on camera? william eating an ant? "i wasn't gonna eat it!" let's go to the researcher...(nods his head sadly)
roo: please tell us just a little about what you've found about aluminum foil...
neo: well...i infiltrated ray donalds..well..something like that...yeah..and i found that...aluminum foil is indubidably a unscrutenized paper-thin uh...enriched..metal sheeting...usually ethylhexy p-methoxycinnamately..consisting of unanimous patches of.....aluminum and...well..or...oxybenzonefied..tin-lead alloy
roo: couldn't you find that in any old dictionary?
neo: actually...yeah
roo: wait a minute...is that a bottle of lotion you're reading?
neo: uh..actually...no...it's sunblock...
as you can see...sunblock is the way to go...soon we realized what this all meant...aluminum on the ants...using aluminum on antennaes...antennaes...of ants?...this feindish metal was used to mind control the ants turning them into raging beings of evil....simple..household...oxybenzonefied...aluminum foil...see as the aluminum foil sinks into the ant's brain and antennae as you can see in this sketch....
the mind controlled ant has no idea what is happening at first...he suddenly feels a heightened sense of well-being...a degree of sensations across his antennae then suddenly he realizes....he is being told...to do something....soon the rage builds up within the giant ant and he goes on a destroying rampage...the aluminum foil triggering his heightened sense of overpowering conciousness...his anger growing...coursing through his body...as his eyes grow redder..and his mind is relentlessly tormented by the penguin's words...he knows he must obey...soon he feels it building up to a giant fire welling up inside of him....in some of these tests we found that when this giant fire wells up inside of the ants they tend to burst into flames...only a few have this effect however, the extremely rare breed...they burst into flames on contact with the aluminum foil...as it is inserted into their cerebrium they suddenly feel the need to eat...but it's insanely the same feeling as about to burst into flames...in fact it is recorded some people actually stating "man i'm starving" right before they burst into huge balls of feiry inferno...it's a very pitiful site...actually it's kinda funny....as shown here in this sketch...
as you can see the aluminum foil is firmly in place as his whole body is being burnt by the wild flames of burning death....and the title is aptly changed from "mind controlled ant" to "mind controlled ant...on fire"...hahaha..woah laugh it up now but when the giant ants come to your block ravaging your neighbors house...you'll be laughing...harder....but when they get to your house...you'll be wishing you were lucky enough to burst into flames..and have that much fun as you're beaten to a pulp and eaten alive by these insane mind controlled zombies from antland....too bad he wasn't using sunblock...he wasn't as oxybenzonefied as the aluminum foil that sent him into a burning firey spiral to ashes...yeah..ashes....they look kinda like...this sketch!
yes it does look kinda like....ash!!! ahhahahaha! anyway....according to these tests only a mean 7% of these actually burst into flames...5% actually died...2%..have the ability to control this burning anger....if i were an ant...i'd look up to the giant fire ant....but since i'm a human....God help us all...this's roo....and neo...signing off...
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